The Stolen Case of No

THE STOLEN CASEOF NO.jpg

 

No is a familiar word from our lips and I have explained its extensive use and important value to our kind on a previous occasion. We use now to exert our hold over you. It is not only used in that sense but also as a reminder that you have lost the use of no because we steal that from you and then, when saying “no” to you on a repeated basis we are flaunting what we have taken from you.

We steal your ability to say no very soon into the entanglement. We pluck it away from you with ease and subterfuge so that it seems as if you have placed the use of the word “no” into retirement when actually it has been carefully and quietly spirited away from you. During devaluation, the theft is far more apparent. It has been a brazen burglary, a smash and grab as each time we metaphorically hit you over the head (and in some cases also do so literally) and make off with your use of the word “no”. It is removed from you forcibly and then waved around in front of you on a daily basis, a vicious reminder that we can use it and you cannot. Therein this underlines our superiority over you. The acquisition of the word “no” is an early and key aim of when we ensnare you. We set out to take it from you, acquire it for our own extensive use and deny you the opportunity of using it ever again. Inevitably the questions of how and why we do this manifest. First of all, how do we achieve this pilfering? What forms does it take?

  1. You lose the capacity to say no to our advances during seduction.
  2. You cannot say not to spending time with us.
  3. You cannot say not to the suggestions we make.
  4. You cannot say no to the places we take you.
  5. You cannot say no to the gifts we shower you with.
  6. You cannot say no the first time we take your hand.
  7. You cannot say not the first time we move closer to kiss you.
  8. You cannot say no when we take you to bed.
  9. You cannot say no when we keep staying at your place.
  10. You cannot say no when we invite you to stay with us.
  11. You cannot say no when we turn up unexpectedly and invite you out for lunch or coffee.

Think back to your seduction (or if you are still inside this period consider the ongoing situation) and how readily you accede to all these requests. It is easy because there is always an upside. You cannot say no, because you do not want to say no, because you do not want to miss out on the experience of being with us and being bound closer to us. You do not realise this but we have already stolen your ability to say no. Just in the way that a totalitarian state tells you what to think, say and do, we do the same but it is all wonderful, golden and benign. This is because when we take away your capacity to say no during the seduction of the golden period we are governing you through love. This regime is as controlling as any other but is uses love to achieve governance.

What then of devaluation? How then does the theft of “no” occur?

  1. You do not say no to our demands that you run around after us.
  2. You do not say no to our command that you stay in and do not go out with your friends.
  3. You are forbidden from saying no to our demands in the bedroom, no matter how degrading and humiliating they may be.
  4. You do not say no to our sudden explosions of rage but rather you must deal with them and ride you out.
  5. You do not say not to the repeated crossing of your boundaries through our invasion of your personal space, the occupation of your accommodation, the use of your resources such as time and money.
  6. You do not say no to our coming and going as we please. We are entitled and we remove your ability to say no in order to further this sense of absolute entitlement.
  7. You do not say no to our erosion of your self-confidence, self-worth and self-esteem as we whittle them away through the repeated applications of our manipulations.
  8. You do not say not to our isolation of you, as we ensure you spend time with us and do not socialise with friends and family.
  9. You do not say no to the frequent manipulations that are applied to you, but rather you suck them up and deal with them as best as you can.

The totalitarian regime that we implement is no longer one which used love in order to govern. That has been replaced with fear. Fear of repercussions, of responses, reactions and consequences has the word no evaporate from your vocabulary. Even if you try and say it, it will not come naturally, but rather sticks in your throat until we seize it and pull it away from you once again leaving you with no option other than to say “yes”.

The theft of “no” continues even after you are discarded as well.

  1. You do not say no to our smearing of you to third parties, since you are bewildered and do not have the energy or coping mechanisms to fight back;
  2. You do not say no to our hoovering of you by saying no to our home visits, no to our telephone calls or no to our messages;
  3. You do not say no to the memories of us but rather allow them to fill your mind and continue our infection of you;
  4. You do no say no to wondering what we are doing and who with
  5. You do not say no to spying on us, trawling our social media profile and asking others about us.
  6. You do not say no to the reinstatement of the golden period.

No is denied to you repeatedly. It is taken from your lexicon of words and if you ever try to take it back, it is soon whipped away from you once again. We own your use of the word “no”. We understand the power that comes with its use and that is why we take it by any means possible. At first through the false love and then through the imposition of fear, intimidation and threat.

Why do we do this? Why do we make it our aim to remove your capacity to resist, refuse and thus say no?

  1. The word “no” is powerful. More so than “yes”. It is harder to say but when used it is powerful. We want to remove that power from you and have it ourselves.
  2. By preventing you from saying no to us we can control you and have you do what we want.
  3. Only the great have the ability to say no. We have it. Therefore, we are superior. You do not. You are therefore inferior.
  4. You know you should say it but you cannot. This damages your self-worth even further.
  5. Watching you try to say the word we have taken causes you pain, frustration, upset and anger, all of which lead to the provision of fuel.

The removal of “no” from you to us is a lynchpin in our manipulation of you. How ought you to deal with this theft? It is simple enough. Always remember where you have placed the word “no”, take it out, use it, practise with it, say it to yourself in the mirror and remember that the more you use it the harder it is for us to steal it from you and keep it from you.

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51 thoughts on “The Stolen Case of No”

  1. I have questions about this. I have improved on this a lot over the years, the ability to say “no”. Sometimes I’m even loud about it. And in cases where I feel certainty that I’ve been narc-tricked I can get even louder. Much louder. Or in defending my kids from one, which I’ve had to do a few times. I can be very confident in some areas.

    It’s the gray areas. So one thing I still to this day struggle with and can’t seem to get past is that when someone starts crossing my boundaries and I don’t feel the violation is blatant I have difficulty knowing when I should bring up the issue and when to let it go, especially in really really gray areas. Of course a very manipulative person can seek out this sweet spot with me, but what about people who lean more toward fuzzy boundaries themselves? I can end up being permissive and trusting even on boundaries I’ve stated out loud and then kind of wishy-washy thinking they will address it themselves and then suddenly mildly overreacting if they don’t, which then makes me feel apologetic. I realize in the end I usually just end up pulling away from people and being reclusive for periods of time because of this. I thought some ladies on here might have suggestions or experiences on addressing this particular source of probably unnecessary stress. It only seems to be an issue with people who don’t delineate things in ways that I would prefer and I start to feel my opinion is being washed out and I have a desire to not be demanding but it goes past my point of acceptance. The other person sometimes seems surprised I’m now suddenly frustrated and I feel guilty for being demanding. I think one of the problems is that a narcissist will often have a more strong personality so I don’t mind being more direct speaking back.

    1. Nunya biz
      I have that same problem. It used to bother me a lot more, because I so didn’t want to hurt others feelings. Now I usually handle it by stating that I don’t want to do whatever they are pushing, then I withdraw and back away. This sounds a lot like what you’re already doing, though. And i end up also isolating myself from others like you do.
      But I certainly no longer do things I don’t want to do because someone ignores my wishes and ideas.

      I think this may require a people skill I never learned. I’m interested to hear any other people’s suggestions.

      1. Yes as far as ignoring my wishes with a narc, I don’t. I feel the same way about “a people skill I never learned” because now I can do it when it’s obvious, but no clue what to do when it isn’t. Interesting. I still say no usually because I can disagree easily after I weight everything if I need to and make my own choice with any average situation and any given person. But I feel crap disagreeing with someone who needs me or means well when it’s more on the fence and it gets diluted.

        Interested to hear other’s suggestions also.

      2. WS
        I think the lack of boundaries is the reason I was so antisocial as a child and, sometimes, as an adult. I would rather be all alone than with my family and because I hated them all, hurt feelings was never an issue for me. I would just vanish without a word. It is self-defense.

      3. KK
        Yes, me too. Yesterday I went to the city where most of my family live to see my son and granddaughters. I spent about an hour with my narc son and narc exhusband and 5 year old granddaughter. It about got on my last nerve and they neither one of them were even trying to be obnoxious. Just watching their interactions with this empathic little girl drained me.

        They weren’t even at all abusive. But they neither of them have any empathy and just that alone makes it hard on a little girl in their care. At one point in an ice cream place she brought about 20 napkins to our table and I corrected her automatically. She sat down and teared up and I felt awful. My son said, “what’s it matter. We paid for them.” I realized they just let her run wild and free in restaurants and she doesn’t know how to take any criticism without fear. I saw a vision of myself at that age in her and it was very sad.

      4. WS
        It is very difficult to watch narcissists emotionally abuse children in front of you. The parent’s behaviour is so obvious (to us) that I used it to figure out who’s who in the school yard. I wish I could protect them from their parents but I can’t and it is very frustrating.

        Sometimes, you can be with family narcissists and it “seems neutral” (painted white), however, in my family it can go downhill so fast it will make your head spin.

      5. KK
        So little story…… friend of ours is swamped at work (self employed) and cant turn down the seasonal work so decided to park their trailer at a site out of town so his wife and daughters could swim, hike, and whatever campers do during the day and he would join them each evening after work. One of the daughters has a friend who is a bit odd (their description) and asked if she could go with them (shes 8 yrs old). It was awkward but they felt sorry for her and said she could come and stay the one night. The morning after she stayed over she announced that she wanted to stay for the rest of the week. The wife explained that they were glad to have her for the night but the rest of the week was just for her and her daughters to spend some time together so she was sorry but the answer was no. The 8 yr old responded: What are you? Some kind of a lesbian? The wife was shocked and said nothing. The husband spoke up and said that was inappropriate and before he could say anything else, she said to him: why dont you just go fuck yourself? Everyone froze and then the wife promptly packed her stuff while the husband called to let the parents know he was returning her home. He called to tell my husband this in the meantime so we dont know yet what that conversation with the parents was like. He was still in shock when he called us and we couldnt stop laughing so were no help but told him to let us know what happened with Hellgirl and her parents. I would actually GO camping with them just to meet this kid.

        This is why I dont have children and the world is better for it.

      6. NarcAngel
        That was a riot! I bet the parent(s) will minimize it or ignore it outright, also, they may even turn it around and blame the girls or the parents for their daughter’s bad behaviour and Hellgirl will not be told to apologize for her lesser-like behaviour either.

        Children can be little motherfuckers; keep me updated on what transpired during pickup. No contact should be implemented immediately IMO.

        Birth control, tubal ligation and vasectomies should be completely free.

      7. KK
        It is so hard to see needy kids and there be nothing hardly we can do. My school is in a very rural, impoverished area where no one trusts anybody who wasn’t born there (and only the “right ones” of them). I’ve had students who have never been to a town of more than 1000 people.

        I swear it’s often seemed to me that so many, especially girls, should have “DOOMED” tattooed on their foreheads.
        I had one really smart 8th grade girl (13 yr old) that I asked her what she was taking her freshman year in HS. She said, “Oh, I’m not going to high school. Dad wants me to stay home and babysit my little sisters. He says that high school’s not important for girls.”
        I said, “But you can’t just not go to school until your 17. That’s state law!”
        She answered, “He’ll just say that he’s homeschooling me.”

        All we can do is love them while they’re here at school and give them glimpses of a different reality than what they have at home.

      8. WS
        All I can think about is clan culture, the Hatfield–McCoy feud or Deliverance. All those children should be educated until the age of 17 and be given the opportunity for higher education, as well. That poor girl doesn’t have a prayer of a chance. For the love of God, it is the 21st century, what the hell is wrong with that father!

        Love them and do the best you can, that’s all you can do.

  2. I said ‘no’ and now i’m forever punished for it. I can say no to getting back into the relationship (easy), but i can’t say ‘no’ to the malign-hoover punishments.

  3. I did say no in the end and escaped. But honestly he just took it as challenge fuel. It becomes mentally exhausting to say yes or no. Better to just not say anything and walk away. Wish I had done that.

    1. True – that’s always the best tactic, not to give them any meaning, they reject all complex emotional meaning anyway. They have power obsessions that are based on a false reality.

  4. Presque Vu…. (what does your name mean?)……I guess I have not noticed, but thanks for saying, and ….straight back at ya!!!

    1. Urban Dictionary says

      The intense feeling of being at the brink of an epiphany. An extremely frustrating experience, since a breakthrough never arrives – and you are left without it, hopelessly dreaming it will show itself to you.

      So related to my Narc

  5. Interestingly I learnt that to decline an invitation a couple of times before saying yes to a person, in some cultures of the world is actually seen as polite.
    Maybe we can learn from these other cultures! We often feel a certain pressure to say yes to someone even if it means at our own inconvenience or discomfort in some way, but if the person accepts that no from you, and is still friendly, then perhaps they ask again, it can often show the good character of someone. Narcs often want everything very quickly. A good thing is always to take your time, and slow everything the hell down. Make them wait. Don’t always reply straight away, note their reactions. Just from these little things you know whether or not you are dealing with a narcissist. Plus the fact that the real thing is worth waiting for and taking your time over.

    1. Great insight Tigerchelle, great wisdom, ” make them wait”.
      Taking it slowly and waiting until you see some substance to their words and some character in the person, so you can respond and not just react, is good dating advice. I tell my nieces & nephews this regularly.
      This allows you to hold some power.
      It’s much better to build trust before you get your kit off, & trust takes time.
      Anyone who really cares about you will respect your “no”, and not try to control you.
      I didn’t realise this was an option, growing up in my family. I was conditioned to always say yes, or I was guilted with “you’re sooo selfish”.

      Only one thing I would encourage everyone to do is be wary of narcs’ treachery. From my experience they will have no qualms lying to you, trapping and raping you to underscore their contempt for your “no”.

      They will also force their way into your home, so you have to call the police, and they have the affrontery to inform you they are taking out a restraining order against you.

      1. Caroline….😱
        I know they lie…. but trapping and raping a person? Forcing themselves into your house? Surely that would only get them into trouble?
        Maybe a lesser would do this, as they have not much control. And if you are on your own, then yes this may well be a threat.
        That is very scary!
        I’m glad I’ve never had a romantic entanglement with one in real life nor ever wish to. Have got entangled by mistake, with a few online over the years, but they were always in the US, thank goodness! And as for my father, he doesn’t even know where I live, and even if he did find me, he would have to get past my husband, and other family members within this household before he got to me. And I know he doesn’t have the balls to ever do that! I never go anywhere without my hubby….

  6. “4.You do not say no to our sudden explosions of rage but rather you must deal with them and ride you out.

    (I’ll never forget Narc stormed into my youngest sons bedroom accusing him of moving a nail file – he went crazy ripping the covers off my sons bed as my son was in bed sleeping! My 17yr old stood up to him – told him he did nothing of the sort and that he was a paranoid freak! Narc then packed a bag and left! – that was a catalyst for me. It’s one thing to hurt me – not my two boys – and although they are 22 and 17 – I’m a mother lion and I will protect at all costs! – They totally and utterly despised him and begged me to leave him which I did – by the end they could have really hurt the Narc for what he had done but understood I had to do it my way)

    5.You do not say not to the repeated crossing of your boundaries through our invasion of your personal space, the occupation of your accommodation, the use of your resources such as time and money.

    (Yes I see it now. Alarm bells should have started to ring when he went through all of my belongings, pictures, letters, cupboards, drawers, stole money out my purse – of course he denied it and blamed my children who had never ever stole from me before! What a farce!)

    6.You do not say no to our coming and going as we please. We are entitled and we remove your ability to say no in order to further this sense of absolute entitlement.”

    (He constantly did this, not at first at all. He was well behaved. But then when the arguments started with me protecting my boys, he disappeared more and finally I was like NO NO NO!! Enough! I’m done! Walked out of his flat in London and cut all contact. I was cut throat. I knew I was being devalued – I knew he was lining up his next victim and he wanted me to witness it – I knew his game – I could literally see it all crystal clear by then – which is why it didn’t hurt at all when I left him. Months later it hit me. The guilt I felt at not listening to the boys. Never again as you live and learn and grow and bloom.

    ***Sorry for the long post – this really got to me because of the clever breakdown which resonated with what I had been through – and without it being so simply put – I wouldn’t have recognised the word NO and it’s powerful connotations. This is now part of my future red flags. I’ll be using ‘No’ testing things myself – their reactions to their dinner date invite being politely declined etc

    I feel a bit bad, it’s so much testing – it will feel like playing games – that’s the bit to get my head around. But ultimately I guess what will protect me.

    1. Presque Vu
      Guilt is useless and something I’m sure your boys would not have you waste time on. Its common for people to see their children as being overprotective of them in a new relationship or jealous of sharing them with this new person in their parents life. The important thing is that you did hear them in time and you did protect them. The biggest gift you gave them is not to have let yourself continue to be diminished by the narc and have them be witness to it while feeling helpless in putting a stop to it. I can tell you that can be more painful than any attack on yourself as a child (and we remain your children no matter the age so it is no less painful later in life). Being proud that you acted and protected is much more fruitful than time spent feeling guilty. And yes, do whatever you need to to protect yourself in future. Only those worth having in your life will understand and accept it. The rest of them will have to mourn their inability to have you in their lives.

      1. Thanks NA, the boys have told me as much as you have – guilt let it go!! I was aware that bringing my boys up in such chaos – could effect them later on – being through shit myself I knew it wasn’t an option! As you rightly pointed out NA- letting them witness such abuse would have been abuse in itself. It had to end. I loved them more.

        Thanks for your kind words!

  7. I still find it difficult to say “no” and still struggle. I hate any kind of pressure. I often cancel things last minute, or say “yes” to things, and then regret it.
    I think my “yes and no’s” have got completely mixed up over the years. This kinda made me realise how grateful I am not to be in a narcissist relationship. I know they would take full advantage of this. My husband always will ask me, but if I change my mind, he understands. Sometimes we come to a compromise. But that’s how it should be.
    The amount of times my father made me do things I never wanted to do is unbelievable. Even criminal stuff. He is evil. He totally had control over me. It repulses me now what I did to please my father. The ways he cleverly manipulated me, blackmailed me, and would make life very difficult if I didn’t do what he wanted.
    However I’ve not seen him in years now. I have refused, ignored and fought against all his hoovers to contact me, see me etc. Only last night did I see my step mum with a new Facebook profile. I had to block it straight away without question as it could well be him. You have to always be on guard!

  8. He said no a lot. No to any and every invitation once I became IPSS DLS. When I was work colleague he was great, said yes to most invitations but would turn up late.
    No.
    I invited him to my MA award ceremony to support me and celebrate my success – no thank you.
    A ticket to a comedian we both liked – no thank you.
    Can I come have a bath at yours? It would soothe my UTI – the one you gave me. – no I’m busy with a neighbour….doing what I wonder?
    Can I stay over tonight go to work from here? NO!! I never ever stayed – he knew that’s what I’d like.
    So many No’s.
    I seemed to be in devaluation almost from the word go – second time around. Never again.

    1. Ha! Me too. Sometimes JN would really mix it up throwing in a “maybe” or a we’ll see” to prolong the inevitable no. Plus it added extra dimension with fighting how his maybes meant no. So I began presenting invites with telling him “yes or no are your only choices, preferably yes”.

  9. Is the new material going to be a book? Every time a new article posts, I get all excited thinking, this is it! You’re giving new meaning to the pregnant pause, Mr. Tudor.

    1. He never gave a time frame MB. The new series could be lined up to appear for New Year’s. Lol

      1. Clarece, He was able to build such excitement and anticipation in us. (The force of nature that he is.) It would’ve been epic to release said material right on the heels of all that.

      2. MB
        Maybe, but it wouldnt have been in line with him being a narcissist lol. Patience Grasshopper-let the excitement build. Besides, the longer he makes us wait the more he raises our expectations to deliver. I’m sure he will make it worth waiting for.

      3. That’s just it NA. He had the excitement all built up to a crescendo and then dun dun dun…nothing. Like orgasm denial 😂.

        I don’t really think it’s manipulation, but because of time constraints and major stuff going on in his personal life right now.

      4. MB
        I don’t think it’s manipulation either. Am I the only one who thinks that our anticipation is completely unimportant to him and his agenda? We are just the beneficiaries of his work, not the reason. My mental image of HG and our hopes and speculations is like a person watching a hive of ants respond to a dropped piece of candy. A little amusement and a lot of feeling superior, but no impact on his own agenda.

      5. I love a good analogy Windstorm and ants are very fascinating creatures. If I’m to be compared to something, an ant isn’t all that bad! I think HGs readers are important to him. Why else would he spend so much of his time here with us? If we had not been excited about his new material tease, he would’ve been disappointed to be sure. He knows we are truly interested in the story of his life.

      6. Wowwww Windstorm! You cracked me up comparing us to an ant pile. I think we’re slightly above them though. Ants can’t read or book consults. Lol

      7. Clarece
        Ah, but they do have hive intelligence. Don’t diss the ants! 🐜 🐜🐜🐜🐜

      8. I love your marching ants WS! I wish I had their strength. I often watch ants go about their lives on my patio and wonder if somebody watches us that way and is fascinated.

      9. MB
        Yes, they are called narcissists and they watch your every move.

        Private eyes
        They’re watching you
        They see your every move -Hall and Oates

      10. That’s funny K! I didn’t think of that. They watch us carry around our comfort crumbs and scurry around after them to please. They feel big and important and we are small and insignificant. To be squashed and obliterated at their discretion.

      11. MB
        Ha ha ha…very good. We are the prey and they are the predator. They are always lurking about look for fuel sources.

      12. I have an absolute ant phobia and loathe and detest ants, Windstorm.
        Raid is my BFF when it comes to them.
        #Clarecefunfact

      13. Clarece
        Sorry I used them in my analogy then. I’m not afraid of them, but they can be very obnoxious. I’m currently in a war to get them to stay out of my bathroom. Ants and mosquitoes are about the only animals I will kill, but it still bothers me to do it. I’m about ready to get out my can of raid, too!

      14. Oh don’t be sorry for one second. It’s pretty hilarious. I’d go in the bathroom Terminator style with the Raid for you. And I’d be the only one coming out too!

      15. Kinda like that Spanked audio. Expectations are off the grid now…😉

      16. Patience MB lol! That was just a taste of what’s to come!
        HG likes to tempt, to tease, to tantalize…. He wants all his readers to stay loyal as it were, and interested, excited, so that we are in anticipation. If there is anything I’ve learnt about HG, its that he likes to get someone or leave someone where they are wanting more….. That place where we don’t want to leave, we can’t leave, we want what he has, we can’t get enough of it. Please please give it to me….. Lol!
        But he keeps us teetering on the edge of giving it to us, because well……..he can! You can’t take the master and elite out of HG! That’s why he is what he is!

      17. If he was going to release the new series so quickly, there would have been no need to send out a “trailer” (preview) for it. He’s garnering buzz for it. lol Otherwise it would have just appeared like other new articles did; for example the Two-part Office Story on Valentine’s Day or when he analyzes a celebrity narcissist.

      18. You’ve been here much much longer than I and understand HGs quirks more, Clarece. Most everyone I’ve ever met has more patience. It’s not one of my virtues!

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