The Married Target

THE MARRIEDTARGET

“Nuns and married women are equally unhappy,” so said Queen Christina of Sweden.

I have not (yet) targeted a nun although I would readily claim to have done so, since an entertaining tale would surely be attached to such an endeavour. It is a different story with regards to married women.

Our kind often target married women and men for the purposes of seducing them, causing them to engage in an affair with us and cause us to put asunder that matrimonial union.

Why do we target those who are married? Given that our kind generally prefer to be pushing on an open door when it comes to the question of seduction and the fact that we like to conserve energy, why we would pick a target which is already with somebody else? Not only are they with someone else but they are married, joined together by ceremony and therefore this coupling has become elevated to the ultimate statement of commitment and therefore ought to be regarded as unassailable.

  1. Entitlement. The world is ours and that includes all those within it. We want therefore we should get.
  2. Lack of boundary recognition Nothing is off limits to us. The institution of marriage is one we respect for the purpose of the facade but otherwise it means nothing to us ( The Narcissist and Marriage ).
  3. Lack of accountability. We might be labelled as a marriage spoiler and home wrecker but what do we care? It won’t be our fault because our narcissistic perspective automatically causes us to advance reasons as to why we have done nothing wrong – “He obviously wasn’t happy otherwise why he did he leave?”
  4. Triangulation. A favoured manipulation of ours which allows for contrast, the creation of drama, pitting parties against one another and of course two fuel streams.
  5. Magical thinking. This includes the triangulation and lack of accountability as we regard ourselves as actually doing a good thing. We are the White Knight riding in to rescue the damsel in distress or the Angelic Soul tending to the downtrodden man. As is often the case we will portray ourselves as the rescuer – at least to begin with.
  6. Omnipotence. Seducing someone single, anybody we choose and of course succeeding, shows how effective we are. Steal that person away from a partner, our power is even greater. Pluck them from a marriage? How mighty are we to be able to do that?
  7. Malice. The cuckolded individual might be someone who has mortally offended us and by stealing something so precious as their spouse, then that allows the delivery of sweet revenge on this transgressor.
  8. Confirmation of empathic traits. A married person is clearly a love devotee. They will be honest and decent because they agreed to this statement of commitment. They subscribe to the institution of marriage which will indicate a good moral compass. They will be caring since they have agreed to be with another in this environment and that means they will share resources, tend for that person when upset or ill and so forth.
  9. Confirmation of residual benefits. It is highly likely that this individual, being part of a domestic set-up will engage in earning a wage, DIY, cooking, cleaning, tending for the other person and similar tasks which tells those of our kind who prioritise those matters that these are residual benefits which are ready to be conveyed on us. There may even be property and financial advantages to sequestrate post divorce.
  10. Fuel. By turning the head of this dazzling exotic creature which is locked in a gilded cage, he or she will be grateful, joyous and ecstatic to be freed and of course the recipient of all this positive fuel will be us, the glorious rescuer. Throw in the negative fuel of the bested spurned spouse and it is a fuel frenzy.

Accordingly, the fact that somebody is married signals to us that there are many benefits and our mind set sees this individual as an entirely viable target.

However, might there be concerns also? I am sure various questions have already formed in your mind as to why we might not regard a married person as a viable target. This may include.

  1. Why choose someone who is already with somebody else? Surely that requires more effort to lure them away?
  2. Is it not the case that Lesser and Mid-Ranger Narcissists are more likely to be deterred from hoovering when their former Intimate Partner Primary Source (“IPPS”) have a new parter post escape/dis-engagement? Does this not apply when seeking a target?
  3. Are we not concerned about reprisals from the target’s spouse, family and friends?
  4. Are we not concerned our facade may be damaged by such behaviour which society generally frowns on?
  5. Would we not be perturbed that if this person can be stolen away from another that that means they will do the same to us at some point?
  6. If someone is willing to cheat on their partner, are they as empathic as we want them to be?

Fair questions. Taking them in turn.

  1. Yes, it will require more effort but our sense of entitlement, unshakeable belief in our brilliance and moreover the rewards that await us mean this effort is worthwhile. Keep in mind that as we are targeting this person we will usually be devaluing our own IPPS an therefore there is plenty of negative fuel to hand to power the seduction of this newly acquired target. We are not in any rush to secure them (our IPPS is not looking to escape and the conditions for dis-engagement have not yet been met).
  2. That consideration is certainly applicable when applied to the Follow-Up Hoover but this is a Seduction Hoover and therefore the condition and context are entirely different. The fear of rejection is not one which is looming large.
  3. No. Our belief in our superiority pushes such a concern to one side. The Lesser will resort to physical violence if necessary. The Mid-Ranger will use this unwarranted (in his or her mind) attack to prove that he or she deserves pity and praise for doing the right thing in trying to set the poor spouse free from their “abusive tyrant”. The Greater will charm his way out of trouble or threaten his own far worse repercussions if anybody tries to get clever.
  4. This is a concern however it is overridden because whatever (unmerited) criticism may come our way for interfering in a marriage, we convince ourselves that it is justified and for the ‘greater good’. This person is unhappy, bored, abused and we are getting them out of there and if you were a real friend you would understand that and help me! (May as well manipulate the disapproving secondary source as well).
  5. Ha ha! Of course not, why on earth would they ever leave us after everything we have done for them? Don’t be stupid.
  6. This is an interesting question and one which merits its own article as to why do empathic people cheat? Suffice to state for the purposes of this piece, we regard their desire to cheat as a necessary ‘evil’ to escape the situation they are in/get to a better place with us and this is a temporary behaviour which will not affect their overall empathic nature.

Accordingly, with motivating factors in place and any potential concerns either not applicable or easily addressed, we commence our pursuit.

Why do we consider that this married target will succumb to our seduction? Leaving aside our belief in our irresistible qualities, our brilliance and magnetism there are a number of reasons why we see it as likely that these people will fall under our spell.

  1. The married targets we lock on to are of course of similar make-up to our targets who are single. Namely they have the relevant empathic, class and special traits as explained in  Sitting Target: How and Why the Narcissist Chooses You . Moreover the people we target are susceptible to being drawn to our kind. They have an inherent vulnerability to our kind and being married does not mean this vulnerability has vanished.
  2. The married target may already be with one of our kind. Thus, whilst the Lesser and Mid-Range will not recognise this, they will instinctively have identified a person who is susceptible to them also AND will invariably be devalued (or is being devalued) and therefore allows the incoming narcissist to play the role of rescuer. It is the case that our kind will steal empaths from one another. The Greater Narcissist will of course recognise one of the brethren and use this to his advantage in spiriting away the empathic married target.
  3. The married target might actually be one of our kind and the Lesser and Mid-Range have not spotted one another. The married target is of course absolutely game for infidelity and whilst the outcome will be the relevant conclusion of a romantic collision between the relevant school of narcissist, the fact that the married target is a narcissist means that the coupling is going to occur.
  4. We see how people’s lives become humdrum and monotonous. We do not recognise the deep-seated bond between two people because we are incapable of attachment ourselves. We do not pay heed to  the stability that some relationships acquire through the passage of time. What we see instead is someone who must be bored with the same routine (because of course we become bored easily and therefore judge others in a similar vein) but our magical thinking means they cannot possibly become bored with us. Whilst we may not play the abuse card, we still see this person as stuck in a rut, fed-up, in need of spice and adventure and of course as the dazzling whirlwind that we are, we arrive and provide that all. Who could fail to be excited by such a marvellous array of glitter, gold and garnish?
  5. People always have something to complain about with regard to their spouse. He isn’t romantic any more, she has let herself go, we never do anything together, she just wants to watch television, he won’t show any interest in what I do, he insists on going fishing every weekend, he snores and it drives me nuts and so on. Whether it is significant or trivial, we will count on these facts and uncover them and use them to our advantage. We will heighten our attractiveness based on this (for instance asking you all about your interest in 18th century literature) and denigrate the spouse’s unattractive trait (i wouldn’t go fishing if I could go to the theatre with you instead). Of course this is just part of the lying and mirroring that we do.
  6. Our split thinking will automatically paint your spouse as the villain of the piece. His concern about where you are is painted as him trying to control you. His friendly demeanour with other women is evidence of his flirtatious nature. Our insidious techniques drip feed dissent and play with your mind. We dangle the golden carrot in one hand and pump toxic lies over your spouse with the other, looking to steadily tip the scales in our favour.
  7. We will readily invent tales of your spouse’s supposed misdemeanours and/or manufacture them. A Lieutenant will be sent to flirt with your husband and we will provide you with footage to show their entanglement (of course we remove the part where your husband actually shows he is faithful and he tells her to leave him alone). Another Lieutenant will be sent to get your wife drunk or slip drugs into her handbag for you to find later, ramping up our suggestions that she is selfish and tripping the light fantastic whilst you stay at home looking after the children. Why are you putting up with that when you could leave and be with someone who really appreciates you?
  8. Everybody has their price. Nobody is immune and above being manipulated into a position whereby they are seduced by us. Yes, some may take longer than others, but combine the target’s susceptibility, the fact they may be in a difficult relationship, the fact they may be bored or lonely, the fact we are exciting and invigorating, the fact we will manipulate the battlefield so it is always in our favour and you have a situation where it is impossible for someone to resist us. We will secure our married target. Ultimately, if there are those who are impervious to our overtures, we won’t target them to begin with.

The dynamic of the married target and the narcissist also has to be addressed. We may see a ring on a finger of a person in a bar and opt to make them an Intimate Partner Tertiary Source by sleeping with them that night before they slink away to their spouse. We may never bother with them again, but fuel has been obtained, Thought Fuel gained thinking of the unseen spouse wondering where their wife or husband is and the ratification of our power achieved.

More often the married target becomes a Non Intimate Secondary Source. We worm our way in as a wonderful friend, but this is a mere staging post as we hurtle towards bedding them and making them an Intimate Partner Secondary Source. They may be a Dirty Little Secret, a colleague who we rut in the empty offices at work or who scurries away from their spouse under the pretence of attending the gym before meeting is in the back of our car in a shadowy car park. We may have no pressing need to make them our IPPS and therefore we are content to utilise that person as a Shelf IPSS, organising a night away together when he pretends he is on a business trip, or calling in to work on the basis of being unwell, to spend an afternoon together. We may bring you into our world, letting you meet friends and family, seeing you intermittently, content to show you our enticing world and then place you on the shelf, leaving you longing for more, pining for us at weekends when you must be with your family and we are engaging with our own IPPS or a different IPSS.

We may hit the motherlode and realise you ought to be our IPPS and as our Candidate IPSS we go all out to smear your spouse, entice you and roll out all our dazzling illusions to show you that you need to leave him, be free and be yourself but with us. We will coax, cajole and entice, showing you the forbidden fruits and the liberation that awaits you at our supposedly benevolent rescuing hand. The more we smear your innocent spouse and the more we shower you with the love-bombing, your resistance will erode. Your emotional thinking will subsume your cool, hard logic as you become swept up in the moment and your emotional thinking cons you as it whispers to you

“You have been a wife and a mother for twenty years, never complaining, it is time you started living.”

“She just isn’t interested in sex anymore and you have needs, here is someone who makes you feel alive again.”

“She just takes you for granted. Here is someone who values you.”

“Yes he will be hurt if you leave but he will get over it. You deserve to be happy don’t you?”

Oh the excuses will come pouring and of course we will not dissuade you from thinking in this way. We will say and do whatever is needed to get what we want. Charming you and painting your spouse as evil, awful and selfish.

The simple fact is that all people are targets. Married targets are often even better targets.

 

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12 thoughts on “The Married Target”

  1. One thing bothers me in regards to love bombing. My spouse was befriended instead of smeared and the use of love did not enter into the equation although the concept of deeper feelings was introduced through music and small key phrases. Is that a tactic typically deployed? I feel as though had it been done differently I would have been more on guard and wary.

    1. I had a narc target me this way. Before I knew it he was all up in “emotional friend” territory, making me cry, begging me to do things, and raging at me if I refused or was unavailable. If he had made romantic overtures first I would have been scared off, but because he saw I would value him as a friend he just wormed his way in there via common interests. Songs, film, art, all of that stuff he just mirrored and built on it to get me addicted to being close to him “as a friend” because it was easiest for him to manipulate me in that way.

  2. I would like to consult and read all of your books. How can I do this without Narc’s knowledge? I am owned and everything I do is monitored. Probably even this comment. Every penny I spend is watched. Of course, none of that is admitted, but it is made known. I don’t want revenge, I just want out and mostly to learn how to defend/protect what’s left of me. Thank you.

    1. ‘Escape’ is the book you need to read ASAP. Surely you have a friend or family member that downloads Kindle books from Amazon?

  3. I am married and was targeted by someone I believe is a narcissist. But he “ended” the emotional affair saying he just needed to focus on himself and had to protect his reputation. He spent our entire “relationship” talking about how he wanted to sleep with me, how he’d never tell anyone, but he knew I’d never do it. Once he broke me down and got me to the point of saying okay, I’ll do it, he decided to go the “moral high ground” and “break up” to protect his reputation. And yet has hoovered me multiple times since then. We have never been intimate or physical, thankfully. I’ve learned/have figured out that I’m pretty sure I am/was just his dirty little secret.
    But this does sound like a narc, right? Not just a jerk?

    1. Oh hells yeah! He’s clearly obsessed with controlling you. “Narcissistic jerk” seems to apply here. Good luck keeping him away from you!

  4. This article was pivotal for me in the wake of my situation and what I had just gone through. I found out this morning that the narc was in town a few weeks prior. This was relayed to me by a friend and fellow escapee/victim who had found out through our work. In her mind the fact that he did not make his presence known put her at ease. After several years with said narcissist she believes she knows all of his tactics. I, on the other hand, am not so quick to assume as such. My reasons are as follows:
    1. He’s a narcissist.
    2. She on several occasions told me she could tell when he was lying to her only to get blindsided by me and then again by another ex.
    3. At his goodbye party, some exes were there. All of which warned her that “once he’s gone, he’s gone.” Yet there they were at this party, one with her spouse who was attempting to help him home because she thought she knew him best.
    4. Every single one of his exes is crazy according to him.
    5. She once told me that he had some of his exes on FB and would “occasionally play mind games” with them.
    6. I asked her once (after finding out everything including his reputation) why she didn’t warn me. The response? “I never thought he would do it to you.” Well he did, and I damn near lost my marriage.

    All of this happened literally within the span of four months. While I still have a ways to go in terms of healing, knowledge truly is power. While I don’t see this recent visit as a hoover because he still has ties to the area and his connections extend in our general direction, I am not going to assume anything for the future. I would much prefer to rely on HG’s opinions.

  5. Some people are happy within their marriage and vows they made. Yes life has its ups and it’s downs and boring bits inbetween, but that’s normal, and the love does go deeper, if both work at that marriage, some people believe it’s for life, like myself. My husband is my best friend. Their are imperfections with everyone, but I’ll take that any day, over a supposed exciting relationship that seems like everything you’ve ever wanted. But most of all, your kind cannot give someone safety, security, and long-term love and friendship. You can’t even provide it for yourselves. You are too empty.

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