Don’t Know What You Want



“I don’t know what you want, heaven knows I have tried. Every day I have spent my time in the pursuit of your happiness. It was easy at first because you seemed so happy. I don’t think I had seen anybody who acted in such a care free manner. Nothing seemed to bother you, hold you back or distract you. You moved with such intent, acted with defined purpose and I must confess I found that attractive. The singularity of your aim was evident to even the casual observer. You shrugged off mishaps, shirked disaster and dodged catastrophe as if you had once pledged that you would never countenance anything that could hinder or hold you back. It is admirable and impressive. With that ability to glide effortlessly through life you always seemed happy, or at least that is what I thought. You made me happy too. Goodness knows you did. You did it better than anybody else and with such conviction. I can place my hand on my heart and confirm that I have never experienced anybody like you. Your capacity for love exceeded anything I had witnessed before. Everything else paled next to you and your blazing golden sunshine. You chased away the gloom, you lit up the darkest of days and you always did so with such confidence and fortitude. It was easy to love you, you made it easy. Who wouldn’t love a god who had deigned to walk on the earth in such a manner? Of all of the billions making their way across this planet you came and you chose me. Me. Two small letters yet you made those letters fill your life and there was no room for anything else. I had never been the focus of such love, attention and affection and do you know, I doubt I ever will again. There is nobody like you. I mean that as a compliment, I honestly do, nobody loved me the way you did. If I had not seen it happening and felt it envelope me I would never have believed it and believe in it I did, with every ounce of my being. You know I almost felt obliged to love you. How could I not after all the things you did for me and everything you said? I would surely be a cold-hearted harridan to have denied you the most perfect love after what you showed me. I could no less reciprocate what you gave me than walk away and I feel hard and deep for you so that it made loving you easy. I gave everything for you but if I am honest, at least at first, it was no chore, no arduous exercise or thorny path. It was bliss. You invigorated me, you elated me and you inspired me. You became the centre of my world and thus I loved you in every conceivable way that I could, with my eyes, my mouth, my fingers, my breath and my heart. I woke and the first thing I thought of was you. I found you filling my thoughts often and repeatedly as I considered how best I could return your wonderful love. I sculpted my life around yours as I cooked for you, I shopped for you, I listened to you and I counselled you. I soothed your fevered brow and held your clammy hand as you slipped into a chaotic slumber. I laundered your clothes, I searched for your keys, I supported your endeavours and I lauded your achievements. I made myself the best person you could ever want by your side and I strove each and every day to maintain our happiness for our perfect union. I invested everything I had in our partnership as I wanted to be Robin to your Batman, Hutch to your Starsky and the Sundance kid to your Butch Cassidy.  I portrayed nothing less than the perfect visage to all of those who admire you. The bended knee people, the hand-kissers, the bowing people and those at your elbow and over your shoulders. I gave them no reason to doubt us, to doubt you. I smiled when the pain tried to prevent me from doing so. I blinked back the tears when they wanted to pour. I searched for answers even when I began to realise that none would be forthcoming. You made me twist, turn and dangle as you had me like Don Quixote, tilting at those windmills because they might be giants. You made me think that enemies lurked behind every corner, their long-fingered jealousy ready to steal what we had. I searched for them, ready to strike them down in furtherance of what we have, because I believed in you and I. I gave every minute of every day to you, I cancelled my plans, I let friends loose and irked my family in order to give you what I thought you wanted. I cleaned, I worked, I bathed, I trimmed, I cut, I dieted, I measured, I washed and I did so all because of you. I had come so far along the road with you that I was not going to stop because somehow I knew that we would succeed, all I had to do was find what it was that you wanted. That is me, you see, I am a giver and you are a receiver. That does not pain me because I have spent most of my life being a provider and a giver, that is why I was put on the earth, to care, to worry, to look after and to cherish. That is my role and I have discharged myself in this role with utter dedication and distinction. I know I can lie straight in the bed, even more so because you no longer frequent it with me and do so in the knowledge that I have done everything I could for you. You could not want for more. You could not want for a better person than. You were the best for me and I wanted to be the best for you too. They say that when you are going through hell you should keep on going, but I cannot. These shaking hands, my scarred forearms and thinning hair tell me otherwise. The incessant dull ache in my brown, the stoop that I have acquired and the ever present sense of dread threaten to consign me to oblivion. I thought that if I knew what you wanted, if I worked and tried, I could ascertain what it was that you wanted and then I could give it to you and we would be one again. We would be us. We would be happy.

I don’t know what you want.

But I cannot give it anymore.”

10 thoughts on “Don’t Know What You Want

  1. Katie says:

    The saddest part of all of this, is that there is actually a HUMANE way to let someone go. Without the disengagement being so cruel. Just end it, like a human being. Most adults can handle that approach. It is twisted and evil that we are told that, this is how it is, and how it has to be. Remorse or not, we give EVERYTHING. and dont deserve to be left a shell of a human being, JUST BECAUSE. I still cant rationalize any of this. Though, I am trying very hard to. It’s not easy to stomach…

  2. Caroline says:

    Oh that key in my back — so glad to get that out after N-Mother departed. It caused serious tangles in my long blonde hair.
    Never again.

  3. kelleygurl116 says:

    All this and more. Deluded to think it could work. Still can’t grieve it properly….nor cry it out, nor feel rage – or anything much, for that matter.

    1. Tammy says:

      Kelleygurl116, I see what you mean. Most days I spend spun out and unhappy, so I keep popping pills to try and make myself feel better. That’s not the right way, or the way I want to do things because I’m always terrified of the past, present and future, when all we have is this moment. Example, I found out yesterday I’m diabetic again and need to lose 60 pounds. So I set myself up with protein shakes that have worked for me in the past because I shook it off once and beat it, but gained 60 pounds when the relationship ended. So on one hand I care, on the other hand I obviously don’t care. I began deep therapy to help integrate the missing pieces. Thank goodness for that because I’m walking the fence of wanting to be healthy and wanting to just die, and that is not a good thing. It all comes down to asking myself if I’m currently happy, and telling myself the truth.

      1. Caroline says:

        Hi Tammy,
        You’re not alone walking that fence. It’s easy to feel overwhelmed.
        Speak to yourself with love and kindness, as you would speak to someone you love. You are a precious person.
        Be on your side.
        Be your best friend.
        For myself, I make one good decision, then another, and just take it one thing at a time. I don’t allow myself to be ‘future faked’ by fear when I become aware of my train of thought. Fear is an ugly evil bully.
        Hmmmm, I have ‘fear Tourette’s’ now to match the ‘Narc-Mother Tourette’s’. Whatever wins the Battle is good.

      2. kelleygurl116 says:

        “I still see your shadows in my room, cant take back the love that I gave you, it’s to the point that I love and I hate you, but I cannot change you, so I must replace you.” -Juice Wrld – Lucid Dreams

  4. Healing Victims says:

    BE GONE DEAD REALLY DEAD 🙂 hurting and abusing women for over 15 years and passing on stds mental abuse broken promises lies manipulation…DEAD is a good I know what I want….pee on his grave 🙂

  5. Livinglife11 says:

    Honestly didn’t know if it was from the narcicisst or the Empath perspective when I read it I was waiting for the twist at the end but it never came so I’m not sure. None the less excellent writing fantastic insight you lovely and indellible HG Tudor !

  6. Presque Vu says:

    Your ex wife’s letter?
    I feel her pain.
    When you love someone so much, and the fights over nothing just eliminate another percentage of your aura.
    I hate how the narc makes us addicted, and alive.

    I’m having withdrawal symptoms tonight. I miss him. I won’t reach out. I just needed to express that even after 9 months, I still have blips.

  7. Tammy says:

    I’m honestly glad I can throw in a a ditto, as before I couldn’t fathom it.
    Thank you. HG !!!!

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