You’ve Changed


You’ve changed and I don’t know why. Have I done something wrong? Have I done something to offend you or upset you? Why have you changed? You aren’t interested in me anymore. Once upon a time you would sit in rapt attention as I explained things to you, as I told you about the things I had done. The things which mattered to me. I thought you liked them too. You seemed interested and it was a genuine interest as you asked me questions and admired me for what I told you about. Do you remember those conversations? I do, although I must admit there are days when they seem such a distant memory to what we have now that I wonder if I made them up or dreamt them. Those afternoons where we lay in bed, the world so far away from us as we held one another and made plans. The world was ours to conquer wasn’t it? We made such grand plans, you and I, with nothing to stop us or hold us back. Except ourselves. How have we come to be so far apart? Where did it go wrong? How did these changes happen? What caused them? We were united as one. We did not know where one of us started and where the other ended, we were so entwined. I was happy. I thought you were too. You seemed happy. Tell me you were happy.

We did everything together. I never wanted to be anywhere other than by your side. You completed me. I completed you. Two halves at long last united. Two lost souls who were wandering through the wilderness and then we found one another and all became wonderful. I did not dare to believe it was happening at first. After so many had failed, those who offered so much yet turned out to be pretenders with nothing but failure dripping from those promising lips. How I yearned to find the right one and just as I had almost given up all hope, along you came. My saviour. I knew from the moment I saw you that we belonged together. I could sense it and that first kiss, well, I can still feel the tingling up and down my spine even now, after all this time, after everything that has been said and done.

Why did you change? I did nothing wrong. I gave you my all. I believed in us but perhaps I have let you down, perhaps I have failed you in some way. Is there another? Is that why your eyes no longer shine when you look at me? Is that why your special smile has not been seen in these parts for too long? Do my tales and stories bore you now? Does the re-telling of these famous tales grow stale? Perhaps you have found someone else, someone who gives you what you want, someone new and exciting? Is that it? Is that why you have changed. Have you found sanctuary in the arms of another and now you have become malleable in their hands as you once were in mine? Do you remember how you said that my touch brought you to life and how you had merely existed beforehand? Do you remember taking my hand as we walked mile upon mile, never faltering from having something to say to one another. How we used to talk? Now I am lucky if I get a sentence from you as you take refuge in a monosyllabic citadel, seeming as if you are more content to reside there than with me. Your words used to flow, enchanting and marvellous and how I delighted to hear what you had to say. You could make the mundane magical and all through that perfect and delicious mouth of yours. Does that mouth still weave its magic for someone else now? Do the words feel leaden, your mouth full of dust when you talk to me? I still listen. I still give you the attention but it no longer works as it did before. I know it is not me that has changed. I never do. I can see that it is you that has changed but I am at a loss to understand why this happened. Believe me, I have spent long hours working out everything that has been said, what has not been said and all the acts and omissions. I have played them, replayed them and chopped back and forth, like some detective analysing CCTV footage in the hope of finding that one clue. That one lead, that certain something that will allow me to understand how we lost that certain something.

Is it that you want me to change? Do you need me to transform into something different? Is that it? I will be whatever you want me to be if only we can have what we once had. You have changed but if you need me to do so too, if that is what it takes to recover ourselves then I am willing. Tell me, just give me a sign, some kind of signal so I know what to do. Your wall of silence gives me no indication of what I must do in order to save us. Do you do that because all your time and attention must be saved for someone else and therefore you have none to give me? Have they come like some silent-footed thief and stolen away the person who I want more than anything on this earth? Perhaps that is what has really happened. You have not changed but rather the real you, the you that makes everything matter again, has been acquired by a pilferer. Has your soul been stolen by another? Have they taken it when I was regrettably distracted and have they now placed it in a gilded locker, far away from me, leaving me with just the husk, the image of what once was? Perhaps that is what has happened. I know you have changed but perhaps, just perhaps it was not of your doing. Maybe an outside agent has influenced you, brought about this alteration, neither seeking nor obtaining our consent to this heinous act. Yes, that must be what it is for I know you would not willingly leave me. How could you? Why would you? Why leave what we have and leave me with so little when once we had so much? You have changed but it is at the sordid and filthy direction of another which gave you no choice. Did you warn me? Perhaps you did but I did not notice. Did you cry out and seek my help? Maybe you did but I was distracted and I did not hear. Tell me now, tell me how I can help you. I will do anything to win what we had back. That brilliant, loving, passionate and above all seemingly perfect union that you and I created before this change occurred.

Please, I am begging you, just tell me what I have to do. I am lost for ideas, I have no more ingenuity or guile to achieve what needs to be done and I need your assistance more than ever before. Don’t let them win, do not let those who are jealous of what we have, the green-eyed interlopers who have watched and waited for that moment to drive a wedge between us. Don’t let them make your change permanent. Fight, fight with me, for me so we can succeed and shine again. I cannot stand where we are now. The pain and weakness that sweeps me tears me apart, makes me feel disgusting and wretched. I cannot stand to be this way for it causes me such great distress as I look over to you watch you, unnoticed by you. You are not who I knew you once as. I do not recognise the person who sits across from me now. So much is alien, so much has become foreign. I don’t feel like I know you anymore. Or that I ever did.

23 thoughts on “You’ve Changed

  1. Caroline says:

    I HAVE changed, and I’m pleased about it.
    I like the person I am now.
    I speak to her with kindness and love.
    She knows her love, friendship and attention are valuable. She’s not going to pour them down a drain (that would be you).

    What’s that you say? I sound happy? You can hear it in my voice that I’m smiling? Is that because of you?
    You would always comment on my emotional response to you, at the beginning of every phone call, asking if it was because of you
    Well, yes. I AM happy.
    It IS because of you, but not for the reason you think.

    Your behaviour during this time has killed any good feeling between us.
    It’s over.
    So this is where I say “goodbye” .
    No, this is my choice.
    It’s not open to discussion.
    Don’t contact me again.

  2. Caroline says:

    I’ve read this article a few more times, and each time another aspect of the relationship dynamic comes up for consideration.

    Change in this dynamic is inevitable.

    I’ve been thinking about the bending, the compromising, the giving up, the lessening of the one partner with time. In some cases it’s a warping of the person in an effort to fit.
    They suppress their voice, opinions, interests, or feelings, but it shows in their body — autoimmune disease, heart disease, eating disorder or comfort eating leading to morbid obesity, chronic gastritis and ulcers, anxiety from walking on eggshells, depression, addictions to try to meet unmet needs, even early death from alcoholism or cancer.
    Death by violence is the extreme example of this point.
    They are fast-tracked in the suppression process to the point of non-existence.

    Then there is the corrosive influence of the dictator in what is essentially a culture of condoned, even encouraged, bullying. The line is quickly crossed to a place of abuse, bereft of justice or basic human rights.
    There is the element of ‘bad company corrupts’, and even ‘lie down with dogs, get up with fleas’.
    Disease is often contagious, good health is not.

    What comes out of some mouths is so much demonstrably untrue rubbish, to justify the twisted reality and facilitate the blame shifting of those who are responsible. Some is a futile attempt by the defenceless to cope with and survive within the twisted reality.
    There is an increasing level of emotional disconnection, that is directly proportional to the levels of pretence and fakeness, maintenance of the facade, and keeping non-intimate others at arms’ length so the truth is kept hidden.

    So yes, change is inevitable, and the results are never pretty. Grotesque, repulsive, and dysfunctional at best.

  3. Caroline says:

    Ex-N –“Baby, I love it when you caress the back of my head”
    Caroline — “mmmm, me too” (thinks “I’m trying to find your ‘restore to factory settings’ switch)

    1. NarcAngel says:

      Haha. Quite a visual.

    2. Quasi says:

      Even better if you find the switch and he starts speaking in Spanish and dancing the flamenco!

      1. Caroline says:

        Ha ha! Love that Quasi.
        So long as he’s not LYING in Spanish, then “benvenido Baby!”

        1. Quasi says:

          I was referring to toy story 3 as they reset buzz to factory settings but hold button too long so he resets to Spanish . Your comment made me think of it..

      2. Caroline says:

        I forgot about Buzz. He was so cute in TS3. Thanks.

    3. Caroline says:

      Having been facetious earlier, I keep thinking that I wish I had my own reset button; I could fix my own PTSD and erase the nightmares/memories.

      1. windstorm says:

        Yes, but what if after you reset yourself, you ended up having to relive it all again? Better to hold on to all the knowledge and experience you’ve gained already. It was hard won.

      2. Twilight says:

        Hello Caroline

        Ha ha the 3rd Empath…..I believe HG would be amused.
        There was a time I did desire to speak to my ex, now I don’t, he lives his life in accordance to his perspective. I am in complete control now and will not give him what he wants, yet if I see him physical in my home again things will escalate and it won’t be in his favor.

    4. Twilight says:


      Ha ha.

      I have an IPhone 7 that I was going to give to my best friend, she was adding a line for her brother and needed an iPhone so he could FaceTime with their cousin. I went to reset it back to factory settings….it was already done. Subtle message, that put me from suspecting to positive my ex has been in my home. He is the only one that I know who could figure out my password. Sadly it doesn’t show proof to the authorities.

      You made me laugh with your comment to my situation, thank you.

      1. MB says:

        Creepy Twilight! Get an alarm!

      2. Twilight says:


        If I owned the house I would. I am just trying to figure out why is he going to such extremes, seriously no “fuel” can be worth all that.
        He pushed my angry button this time and it took an incredible amount of self control not to contact him. I have no desire to be in any kind of relationship with him, nor do I desire anything bad to come to him I just want to be left alone I can not just forget the pain I felt that day and still carry to this day. He knows there is only one way I will ever speak to him by my choice and that is if he make me angry. Maybe I just answered my own question negative Fuel, Hoover Fuel, and knowing I still feel pain and he knows me when I am emotional.

        1. MB says:

          Twilight, you can have a security system without wires. Even if you rent. Keep that creep out of your house. That’s criminal! Try or such like. You’ll sleep better.

      3. Caroline says:

        Happy to help hon.
        Oh how we all need to laugh!
        I so appreciate the empath dark humour that we have on this blog

        Shame I can’t help you set a trap for your crafty ex-N. Where’s ‘Acme Narc Traps’ when you need them?
        We need HG to send us the builders who tricked out the 3rd Little Empath’s house.
        Your N-detector (intuition) is working perfectly. Keep trusting it.
        Give it some chocolate to keep its spark plugs in good order.

      4. Twilight says:


        Thank you for your suggestion.

        At this point I just think he is telling me I can not escape nor hide from him.

  4. oilily2001 says:

    This is so scarily accurate.

  5. Orginal Overthinker says:

    Horrendously heartbreaking to read … Facking textbook Grrrrr … x x

  6. Quasi says:

    Epic article.
    Epic narcissist projection.
    Epic magical thinking in fluid motion.
    Jealousy, fear and annoyance- with building justification towards what appears to be the precipice of devaluation.

    With all of this created evidence, it must be the persons ( assuming Ipps) fault that they are turning white to black. There is so much evidence against them now, and they simply are not trying hard enough to keep providing that positive fuel…. something needs to be done – the fuel is not as potent, they are not reacting as they once did … it’s going stale – it’s all their fault! The narcissist is trying their best to understand, and they feel let down, how could they do this? How could the ipps change so much, how could they stop performing as the narcissist expects.. how dare they change … the narcissist is left with no choice – the tide is turning … A storm Is coming..

  7. windstorm says:

    Well you nailed it, HG. You do have tremendous understanding and insight.

    1. Caroline says:

      Thanks Windstorm,
      I’ll have a little rethink about the reset option for myself.
      I’m in an intense headspace at the moment.
      I need a bit more comedy, and to go out for a Thai green chicken curry with friends, and to go for some really long walks.
      Reading HG’s articles, and participating in the threads with others who understand has been great, and intense, over this last week. I’ve been doing a lot of writing/journalling, but less exercise.
      Hope you’re well.

      1. windstorm says:

        I’m fine. Today is the first day of school – the first day of getting up at 4 am – and I’m very busy. But all good so far! 🤞

        Long walks and comedy sound good, but not the Thai food! Too spicy for me, but sushi would be great!

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