In The End It Has To Hurt


By now you all know that I am driven by the hunger that rages within me as I must seek out fuel to feed the beast. To begin with, my fuel comes from the compliments and admiration you send my way during our golden period. Yes, that blissful, wonderful time when everything tastes better, smells more fragrant, looks brighter and sounds sharper. I was asked why can I not contain my need for fuel to receiving admiration and plaudits? Why must I embark on such a destructive course which brings mayhem to everyone around me. Why must it hurt so much? A fair question.

In my case, there are two reasons for this. The first brings forth that old adage of familiarity breeds contempt. Imagine that strawberry is your favourite flavour of ice-cream. I bring you a large strawberry ice cream in a sugar cone. You take a lick and it is delicious. So fresh tasting, so creamy and there are even little pieces of strawberry contained inside of it. It simply is the most sumptuous ice cream you have ever introduced to your taste buds. These strawberries have been grown in God’s garden, tended to by angels and grown with the purest water, the most fertile soil and vibrant sunshine. The milk has been taken from cows which graze on nothing but the most verdant grass, free from pollution and contamination. In fact, every ingredient that has been used in the creation of this magnificent iced confection is the best and perfect. Not only that, it has been crafted by the Supreme High Creator of Gelatos. I bring you a second one. Why not? This is an ice cream fit for champions. You eat this second one but by now you are feeling full. I bring a third, the taste is still great but not as good. Now I give you the good news that you are eating strawberry ice cream for breakfast, lunch and dinner and nothing else. Soon, the amazing taste of the ice cream no longer brings you pleasure. In fact, you start to dread the sight of the ice cream as it is brought to you and then it makes you angry that you have to eat it. You are sick of it now, it has lost its allure.

This is what happens to me. It always happens. Since I am wired to seek out instant gratification, even the most wonderful sensations soon pale to me. I am not built for the long-term, I have no desire for longevity. If it was me eating the ice cream, I need to go and seek out mint choc chip or even vanilla or perhaps a juicy steak instead. I need something different in order to give me that hit. Why not then just leave the strawberry ice cream alone and seek out that new taste sensation, why do I have to subject the ice cream to a campaign of savage and nasty behaviour. One reason is that since I have invested so much energy in securing all that strawberry ice cream I am not going to let it go. I need to treat it differently and thus generate a break from its taste. With you, I need to have a break from the now stale praise and admiration you provide to me. It just does not do it for me. Similarly, I have invested energy in ensnaring you and I do not want to let you go. I have to treat you differently to change the dynamic. I need to keep you around so I embark on a confusing campaign that means you cling tighter to me. I will of course be seeking out new admiration from new sources. There are so many flavours for me to taste. You were once shiny and new. Not any longer. Someone else is shinier and newer.

I will return to you, like I will return to the strawberry ice cream. I have forgotten how it sickened me so I will eat it again and wow, it tastes good. Similarly, I will grant you a short return to the golden period. You lavish me with praise and love borne out of relief and I enjoy it. The law of diminishing returns applies however and soon I tire of your admiration as I tire of the strawberry ice cream and once again I must take a break from it, whilst never actually severing ties with you or giving away the ice cream. Back and forth I will go, occasionally being good to you to receive your admiration as I occasionally have a scoop of the strawberry ice cream. Thus this familiarity and unwillingness to let you go means that I have to treat you badly in order to resurrect the positive fuel on an infrequent basis whilst drawing on the negative fuel to provide the contrast.

I mentioned two reasons. The second reason arises from occasional glimpses of reality. For the most part we dwell in our false construct that we have dragged you into. You may achieve something or a colleague may secure a new contract or we notice a friend purchase a flash, new car. This provides us with a painful reminder of our own limitations and our hatred of the limelight being moved elsewhere, however temporary. In such a case we have to lash out. We must denigrate, despise and demean in order to create that contrast again, we make you look bad and we look good. By putting you down, or the friend or the colleague we feel powerful and in control again. The horrible sensation vanishes. On these occasions, envy and fear drives us to be horrible to you. We have to do it to make ourselves look superior in comparison.

In both instances we need to provide a contrast in order to maintain our fuel. Thus, all cannot be rosy in the garden, we need to spray the weed killer over the flowers you have grown to ensure we receive the fuel that is our primary aim in life.

25 thoughts on “In The End It Has To Hurt

  1. Ashar Malcah Bella says:

    I Love This ❣️ There ya go, FUEL 😆

  2. Flickatina says:

    I’m safe – I don’t like ice cream….. 😉

  3. Still Standing says:

    Mr. Tudor good explanation of the WHYS???? Some people can do or have the same things all the time and be content. Others need some spice here and there. Change it up. BUT the results of you changing it up with different fuel supply is YOU do abuse to change it up with the same strawberry ice cream. You add coconut to it, chocolate trying to get different accents to the strawberry ice cream AS it doesn’t do it for you anymore. Or you can put it away and have something else. I understand, but I don’t understand. YOU have choices. YOUR kind needs on going stimulation and entertainment. Being or doing the same thing with the same person gets boring to you. BUT this is what I DO NOT get. YOU the Narcissist, do the same to all your victims too. YOU mimic copy past say the same pet names. So YOU do repeating as having a new BRAND of strawberry ice cream, but it is still strawberry ice cream. YOU are always the SAME, IT is NOT that YOU change..SO MANY YOU THE NARCISSIST IS THE ISSUE. YOU JUST CHANGE YOUR APPLIANCE AND THEN YOU MAKE US INTO WHAT YOU WANT US TO BE FOR YOU…I hope this make sense of how I am expressing my take on this. Than you

  4. Anm says:

    You have to learn how to have a business persona when dealing with the narcissist. The narcissist can’t change, but you can. I am stuck in a relationship with a malignant upper midranger. We have a child together. I have learned to always be calculated, and deal calmly like a greater. I never emotionally react to him, and deal with situations on facts and opportunities. If I want to cry, I cry in the shower. If i want to vent, i have friends. The narcissist can only see you as cold blooded once he knows you know what he is.

  5. Savannah says:

    In the End it Has to Hurt. Wow, my narc called me about two months ago, after a 7 month hiatus and said “I hope you hurt, I hate your guts and hope you rot in hell”. I said “I didn’t call you, you called me. If you don’t want to talk, hang up.” He then said “No, I love you with all my heart”. I said very calmly “No, you never loved me.” Even after all of this time, he still wants me to hurt. I don’t hurt any longer though. Not for a long time.

    1. Caroline says:

      Well done keeping your composure and dignity.
      We’re proud of you.

  6. Julie says:

    My narc has a new shiny gal and came to me to have sex as it had been 3 weeks devaluation. He actually had given every bit of his juice to her her was flat balled and limp. I was on him experiencing his likeness inside me while he’s totally faking an orgasims under me. I. Climbed off and called him a lil bitch faking an Orgasim, and a limp dick bastard. I told him to take that shit back to the bitch that drained it. Then for the first time ever he was pushing me around while yelling. I have impli sted no contact and 3 yrs of triangulization I’m beat. What is my narc feeling? He is an elite. How badly did I wound his ego and what if anything should I expect from him?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You did not wound. You provided Challenge Fuel.

    2. Insatiable Learner says:

      Julie, I do not mean this offensively but please read what you wrote and ponder whether you want to continue getting someone’s leftovers. This narc is truly disgusting. Please work on your self-love and self-respect instead of wondering if you wounded his ego. You are wounding yours over and over again by allowing this piece of trash near you. You really deserve better than this.

      1. Caroline says:

        IL, well said.
        Julie, you deserve better.

  7. LH says:

    Such a basic analogy and yet so perfectly written. Incredible devastation by these people leaving trails of destruction behind. I want everyone to know, you will recover and lead a more prosperous life. I too have been there.

    1. Caroline says:

      Thank you for sharing. We need all the encouragement and support we can get.

  8. /iroll says:

    This is the structural flaw part – the inability for the self to generate self-esteem without the abusive behaviours.

    Once you realise how this affects you when you’re dealing with them, you can separate more easily. Not just GOSO but when you process their influence on you, your own addictions and structural vulnerabilities, and how you engage with them. The latter is never going to be pleasant, unless they want something from you.

  9. ThePersonalityAbyss says:

    Well written truly

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you.

  10. DoForLuv says:

    Hmm 🤔 Maybe the narcissist can’t see feel understand love , because of /trough pain we can feel understand love.

  11. Corky Marie says:

    Both the caretaker narcissist and the husband narcissist would have brought me strawberry ice cream everyday for months and then brought mint and told me it was strawberry and then sorbet and told me it was ice cream, most likely I would have believed it was exactly as they said it was.

    BUT WHY?

    I was thinking deep last night and came up with; that one of two personalities can be environmentally bred/moulded from a narcissistic parent, the narcissistic child or the codependent scapegoat child. Both creates serious issues in adulthood. I believe i was and am the scapegoat child. Empathic, loving, nurturing and ever so forgiving.

    Wow, this goes really deep. Why do your words do this HG???


    Does anyone else get these aha moments while reading these articles?

  12. pascaleshealingjourney says:

    Narcissists are like ice-cream too and while they want variety in flavours, what we crave more is quality. When I first bought my tub of strawberry ice-cream, I was attracted by the packaging. It seemed to be just what I wanted, top of the range, home-made organic ice-cream with fresh bits of strawberry. Unfortunately, when I opened the tub, I realised that I had been deceived by the attractiveness of the package and that it was just mass-produced ice cream and really not special at all. But, as I had bought a big tub, I thought that I ought to eat it anyway. I stuck with it for a bit but it was getting more and more unpalatable, so I decided to cut my losses and discard it. Next time, I buy strawberry ice-cream, I will make sure I read the list of ingredients carefully!

  13. nunya biz says:

    What happens when you are a narcissist and you know you are going to die? Relax. I already know about the afterlife. I have access and I can feel it. I’m sorry. It’s not great for me either.

  14. nunya biz says:

    Or you might find out your adopted kid started talking to his biological mother for the first time at almost fifty years old. That’s the reason.
    She’s in her late eighties and you could knock her over by breathing on her.
    So polite.
    What a denoument. I like that word, is there an English translation?

  15. MVHS Class of 86 says:

    I wont forget the strawberry ice cream reference… Brilliantly stated! He gets no more taste of this treat. I hate tho how he invades my head. Any advice out there for when that happens. We are talking 30 years of this, and I am finally closing the door on him.

  16. Bubbles🍾 says:

    Dear Mr Tudor,
    I was reading this fabulous piece to Mr Bubbles whilst sipping coffee and he said let Mr Tudor know “I prefer a box of chocolates any day, they’re a bit like you my luv, you never know what you’re gonna get…you’re always full of surprises ” 😂
    Luv Bubbles xx

  17. violetcoloured says:

    I had an epiphany, thanks in part to your writing.

    I finally realised, after a lifetime of narc abuse and painful reflection about why I attract and am attracted to predators, that I am indeed an enormous tanker of fuel. I am this way because I have been cut so many times to the core that it’s left me with a huge emotional reserve of fuel that can be siphoned off by predators. This is why they want me so.

    This is my energy.. My fuel.

    I am the fountain.

    This is why they want me. As for why I wanted them..

    No gain without pain. I’ve been going to the gym recently, feeling the soreness in my muscles as I watch them grow. No gain without pain. Perhaps the narcissists in my life have really been taking me to the emotional gym. The soul gym.

    I am strong, stronger every day. Soul strong. I know now that I am the fountain. I know that well of love, of joy, of empathy and lost innocence, springs from within. I can bathe anytime, anytime I want- and to think I’ve been looking outside myself for so long.

    I am the fountain, I rest in my Love. I am free. This was my epiphany.

    Those who seek to feast upon our light, who choose to cloak their own selves in shadows, shall never know that kind of peace.

    I hope others can find some comfort in these words. We choose these experiences because we are strong enough to handle them.

    1. Caroline says:

      Thank you for sharing violetcoloured, you expressed your thoughts beautifully.

  18. tigerchelle78 says:

    But the narc is always empty, no matter how much fuel he gets, or who he gets it from, he is a bottomless pit. It goes through him quicker and quicker. And the more his brain gets these quick fixes the more it needs and depends on them more frequently and in bigger doses… just like any other drug.
    He is not only wrecking lives but now begins taking lives, …..because seducing, then devaluing, abusing, controlling, hurting, assaulting, degrading them, just isn’t enough anymore to sustain his needs…..he needs more fuel, more control, more power!
    The incessant need for fuel controls them. In the end, they are a slave to fuel and what they cannot/will not face, which is their own pain itself.
    In the end, yes, it definitely hurts…..

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