The 7 Sins of the Empath’s Self-Doubt

THE 7 SINS OF THEEMPATH'S SELF-DOUBT

In the beginning you are resourceful, confident and independent. Those attributes are there with no need for brazen displays but rather they exist in an understated and quiet manner. Then we arrive. The imposition of our manipulations is designed to bring life to these seven sins in order to leave you susceptible to our further machinations and control. These doubts will enable us to hoover you, draw fuel from you and maintain that connection we rely on to further our own ambitions.

  1. Is it actually my fault?

 

We will have you asking yourself and pondering whether what has happened is your fault. Did you do something to attract someone like us? Did you miss some sign which you ought to have seen and therefore it is your own failing which has caused you to be exposed to our control and abuse? We will have you analyse your behaviours as you become burdened with guilt. We are the experts in shifting the blame and through the repeated application of denial, deflection and projection, we will avoid any and all culpability for our actions, leaving them to impact on you. It must be your fault if we are so adamant that it is not our fault. The conviction by which we pin the blame on you will have you questioning yourself. It is natural for you to always reflect on your own behaviour, that is central to who you are and we know this. Add to this our incessant blame-shifting and this steady drip drip drip of the accumulation of blame will eventually take its toll and you will start to accept the blame and regard yourself at fault.

  1. Did I love him enough?

 

How many times have you been told, “You would do it if you loved me,” or “You wouldn’t do that if you actually loved me like you say you do”. You face the ultimate in supposed love through our love bombing and it sheer scale of apparent passion, affection and love would cause anything else to pale by comparison. You will always have this thrown in your face as we tell you time and time again about how much love we have shown for you, how we have loved you beyond anything else and nobody could love you any more than we do. Is it any wonder when faced with such repeated assertions and the behemoth that we are of love that you will query whether you gave enough love towards us? Perhaps we behave the way we do because we feel that we love you more than you love us? We will certainly tell you that and because you are such a devotee of love you will feel obligated to try to match what you have received. You cannot do so because the love we exhibit is smoke and mirrors, easy to conjure up, easy to say and what you understand as love takes more effort, but this will not stop you always wondering whether you do enough and whether a little more love might just be the solution that is needed to make everything perfect again. Thus, we keep you hanging on and trying all the harder.

  1. Was I wrong to leave?

 

This nagging doubt has to be created by us on order to keep alive the prospect of hoovering you. We know that you possess a near indefatigable spirit that causes you to stay and try to make things rights. So often it us that brings about the cessation (albeit temporary) of our relationship and we discard you. On the rare occasion where you decide that you have had enough and make a break for the border, to free yourself of our poisonous influence, we know that you will have reservations about doing so. You do not like to give up on people. You like to succeed. You desire for success is not the same as our self-centred drive for achievement but rather your success sf for other people and we know this. We know that you want to achieve resolution, that is why we lead you around the houses and up the garden path with our circular arguments. We know that you prefer to achieve an outcome, hence why we never fully answer questions, deflect and deny. This desire for a conclusion means that should you ever walk away from us we know you will be plagued by some guilt that you should not have done it. What if he could have been helped? What if he could change? What if he needed your help? Such doubts will manifest and mean that when we loom large as we seek to hoover you, this desire to leave nothing hanging (along with a host of other manipulative methods designed to get you to return) will leave you susceptible to being hoovered back into our twisted world.

  1. Should I have given him another chance?

 

Maybe if you had given us another chance (to add to the dozen or so that you have already given us) then the outcome might have been different? You invested so much and you gave us so many chances, perhaps you have cut loose too soon? Maybe one more chance was all that was required and now you are left wondering if you have made a mistake and lost the opportunity to help us and resolve our problems. Perhaps you had better try again and give that further chance? It would be such a shame not to do so, especially after all the effort you have put in? This might have been the point at which everything clicked and we finally made the changes and gained the understanding and insight that is required to return to a permanent golden period. You want to see good happen, we know this and therefore we know that you have that nagging itch that if you just gave us another chance this might be the one that is required to get us past the post. It won’t be, but we like to engender this hope in your mind so that you succumb to this doubt and return to us to try again. And again. And again.

  1. What if someone else makes him happy?

 

Have I been too hasty in making my escape? What if he finds someone else and she makes him happy? It shows it can be done and I let him go and now someone else is going to get the benefit of that wonderful golden period and she might get it all the time. Why should she get this when you have endured both the black with the golden? You are entitled to receive the golden period again surely? Perhaps it was something you had done and now she knows what to avoid because he will tell her what you did in the relationship and she will avoid making your mistake and reap the reward. How is that fair? Why should she benefit from the pain you have endured? It is your golden period and you want it back because it felt so wonderful. In fact, having checked his Facebook page for the sixth time today there seems to be a lot of mutual liking of one another’s posts between him and some new lady, whoever she is. What’s going on there? Has he found someone new already? Could she be the one? You had better act and do so quickly to avoid someone else getting the golden period for good. Why not ring him and arrange to meet up? Head her off at the pass? Yes, we instil such doubts in your mind in order to have you come back to us once more.

  1. Maybe I didn’t help him as much as I could have

 

There was something clearly wrong with him but maybe he could not help doing all those things. Perhaps something terrible once happened to him and this is why he behaves in such an abhorrent manner? Surely you should show some compassion and understanding in order to help him be free of whatever demons that plague him, after all, are you not a kind and considerate person. This is what you do isn’t it? Help people. You should not run out on him now, he needs you and you are the only one who can save him. Just be understanding, help him, give him what he needs and then together you can overcome whatever it is that has taken hold of him. You have seen him bleed, he is human just like you and it is help that he needs not condemnation. Yes, what he did to you was terrible but what if that could not be helped, what if he was trying to ask for your help and did not know how to ask for it? Now you have walked away from him, right when it is his hour of need. That’s not very empathic is it? That isn’t who you are. You are kind and caring, a healer. Go back and apologise and help him. Submit to his demands and help him walk through his personal hell, surely it is the least you can do, yes?

  1. Did I deserve it?

 

You spoke out of turn too many times so what did you expect him to do? He is a proud man and it was inevitable he would lash out. If you had not been so weak, you would have not annoyed him. Perhaps if you had done more of what he wanted, gone along with his demands just for the sake of quiet, things would have been drastically different? If you had not been so stubborn or had tried to change him? If you had not tried to mother him? If you had tried to mother him? If you had been someone else? If you had stayed true to yourself? If you had been more like his mother? Less like his mother? More like her? Less like her? You did try but somehow you always seemed to rile him and then the insults and assaults would fly. Maybe if you had kept a civil tongue in your mouth it would have turned out differently? Perhaps if you had tried to look at things from his perspective more often rather than thinking about yourself, then the outcome would have been better? You wish you were stronger and you needed to be stronger for both you and him, but you weren’t and that must the reason he treated you the way he did. Your weakness irritated him. Maybe if you had not been so pathetic then he would have continued to love you like he once did. Perhaps if you had not fought back when he was despondent he would not have felt the need to put you in your place. Maybe you just did not do enough of what he needed because you were too busy focussing on how you felt and that is why it all came tumbling down? Maybe you failed to understand him because you were too wrapped up in yourself? Maybe, just maybe, you got what you deserved?

 

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11 thoughts on “The 7 Sins of the Empath’s Self-Doubt”

  1. I find this applies to Matrinarc as well. All 7. Just change the pronouns. After spending my whole life being ruled by her, controlling everything including my occupation, I still didn’t exist. Just an extension of her. To be used when she needed, then shelved when she didn’t. The best part was when I had to explain to several people (like a dozen) that she doesn’t have a son. That the “Son” she was referring to was actually my husband. Only to have them tell me, “Oh she never mentioned you.” Or to have to explain that I dont have a sister, the “Sister” is actually her neighbor who’s been dipping to Matrinarcs checking account. So now here we are. She’s going to hospice and needs a representative, hope my “sister ” is up for the challenge because me and her “son” are busy.

    1. Dearest IdaNoe!
      I’ve walked on “egg shells” my entire life with my mother
      Enough is enough ….. no more

      Please go easy on yourself precious

      Luv Bubbles xx

  2. Self doubt, fixer, tenacious. Ouch.

    I forgive myself for not seeing it coming, now. I’m not nearly as bitter as I was for a few months after.

    I’m disengaging from toxicity and putting up boundaries. Its ok to say no. I really do not owe anyone an explanation. I finally left the company he worked for (and had a TON of connections with). A little bit of peace with that, and the reality that its MY life and I have an opportunity to do new things.

    Now if I can just dodge a few of his connections I might have more peace of mind.

    Corky, stay strong. I look forward to reading more of your posts and I wish the best for you.

  3. HG, never mind my previous question. I just realized that there are 7 points under the self-doubt sin. I think you can add an article with the title “Sins of the Empath: Not reading attentively before asking HG annoying questions”.

  4. This is one of the empathic “sins” that has affected me the most. When you mix self-doubt together with wanting to “fix” a situation, and also with tenacity and perseverance, you end up with a disaster of emotional thinking.

    Lately, I’ve been working at strengthening my logical thinking while still trying to remain compassionate and open-minded when required. That is, I want to think logically while still retaining empathy. I want to reduce the “sins” but I don’t want to end up cold and heartless.

    I’ve also been feeling very grateful that empathic minds are capable of reflecting on these empathic “sins” and being able to moderate them and think logically. This ability to change one’s attitudes and thinking is a godsend really. It takes focus and practice, but it is definitely possible.

    The ability to reflect and have the flexibility to change your behaviour based on changing your thought patterns is, I believe, the greatest advantage the empath has over the narcissist. It is only possible though, with clarity and knowledge.

    Thank you HG, for providing that clarity and knowledge.

  5. This is one of the empathic “sins” that has affected me the most. When you mix self-doubt together with wanting to “fix” a

  6. I’ve been in the 30 day waiting period for him to respond to divorce papers and I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting on those many many years with him. Mainly staying quiet as a mouse as he has no sense of my whereabouts and for my safety I must keep it that way. I’ve no social media profiles and a handful of people know my phone number and even less know my location. Even with all this in place, I still fear him, greatly. Once he does respond to the divorce papers: I’m afraid of the fire he will kick. This site has helped with understanding the narcissist and the Empath, getting strong, being strong and staying strong even during those moments of weaknesses. All the way up until I came across this site I loved him greatly, hell I even admired him even after all the torture I was put through. I still had a majority of the aforementioned (article) run deep in my emotional and logic sides, through my heart and head. All those thoughts penetrated me into insomniac nights and exhausted days. Sometimes I wonder if we as source & supply give the narcissist more power and control than they deserve … then again if we didn’t give it to them, they’d just take it.

    I did not deserve it. I did not make it happen. I did not even see it coming. I will take responsibility for loving someone so unconditionally that allowed his manipulation to blind me, his actions to desensitize me and to letting him drain me of myself to the point where I didn’t even know who I was anymore, to the point the woman in the mirror did not reflect the woman I had been prior to the relationship, literally I had physically changed. I also take responsibility for ‘waking up’ (with outside help) and realizing that it was time to take back my life and start a journey to recovery.

    Another ‘hit home’ article and it’s much appreciated.

    1. You have incredible strength … I know you possibly won’t believe if at the moment… Stay strong… xx

      1. Even though I’m a quieter participant on the forum / blog, I read as many ( related to article ) replies as I can and through that I draw many strengths. I give credit to those that open up and express their truths and strengths. I don’t believe in taking on the role of ‘victim’ ( it reminds me too much of the husband ) I need to see myself as a survivor. Taking on that role gives me hope and helps me move forward out of the relationship where I was a victim for so long.
        Thank you, Original Overthinker, for your kind words.

    2. Good for you, Corky! I admire your spirit and determination. I wish I were so clear-headed and definite. Keep us up to date on what happens and know that you have full support. I already feel bolstered by some of the responses here to my struggle and will try to emulate what you have accomplished, namely being able to put into perspective that the responsibility for the relationship failure is theirs, not ours.

      This post by HG really hit me hard as all of the doubts I have been experiencing are stated in such a blatant way. I live in fear, sadness, and anticipation for my N to announce he has found the new Love of His Life, “The One” as he terms it. As he has told me many times now that I have failed him in that role.

      Good luck on your own fight. Be well!

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