The Desire To Destroy The Narcissist


I know you hate me. Your kind are filled with love and then filled with hate. There is no need to deny it. It is a normal reaction for someone like you and one which I entirely endorse and encourage. I know you will try and mask that burning anger that you feel by saying you pity me or that you have nothing but contempt for me but I can see it. Those sensational eyes of yours that once blazed with desire, passion and most of all hope, are now filled with the churning, billowing flames of hatred. Some of you will fight to contain this sensation. You fear that by giving in to this hatred that you will somehow be on a level with me. I can ease your fears in that regard. You are nowhere near my level and nor were you. I placed you far higher than me to begin with. Yes it was artificial and all part of my design but you had no complaint then did you? You did not object or demur when I thrust you skywards and planted you on that pedestal. Of course you did not. Who would? Nobody would and least of all somebody like you. Now you are on your true level, way down below me, cast onto stony ground, broken and shattered. Amazing though isn’t it how you managed to summon such an anger from somewhere. How many times had you said to your confidantes that you felt numb (yes they were reporting back to me). Yet now look at you. A seething, glowering fireball of hatred and it is all directed at me. I adore this.

You want to destroy me. I know you do. You all do. The one before you was exactly the same as the one before was and the one before her. The next one will be just the same,although I do still hold out some hope that she might just be different and somehow avoid the mistakes all those who have gone before have made. I have seen this hatred many times and your desire for revenge is strong. Of course it is. I made it this way. Everything I did as I brought you down low was programmed to cause you to eventually explode into hatred. From elation to despair, through broken to numb. Eventually the switch would be flicked and as puppet master I ignite the fire beneath you which stokes the flames of hatred. Despise me, go on, do it. Send those wicked words towards me. Tell me what a bastard I am. Keep it coming. Pull your hair, wave your fist and stamp your feet. Tell me how you are going to scratch my car. Feels good does it not? Believe me, it feels even better being on the receiving end of your bile and hate. Go on, sit with your friends and plot your revenge, I can feel you all huddled around your cauldron as you try and concoct ways at getting back at me. I feel so powerful knowing you are focussed on seeking retribution. This is what I want. I want to bask in the heat of your anger, I want to be covered in the disgust and distaste that you will spew towards me. I want you scheming, hatching and planning. By hurting you so deeply I plant inside you that overwhelming desire to get even with me. It happens every time and is all part of my master plan to ensure you, my beautiful appliance keep pouring fuel in my direction. I make you seek revenge for in doing so, your planning and ham-fisted execution of the same give me what I want. Fuel. You are blinded with your hatred so that you fail to realise you will not succeed in gaining revenge, not by shouting, spitting and scratching. Oh no, this overload of howling anger is just a banshee of fuel to me. I will twist and shift as I thwart your attempts, laughing at your pathetic efforts to try and get one over on me. This will spur you on as I lead you on yet another merry dance as I continue to take from you exactly what I need.

All you will do by obsessing over trying to bring me down is remain ensnared. True, we may no longer be in a Formal Relationship as husband and wife any longer, but you are continuing to engage with me. You are thinking about how to bring me down, you are discussing how hateful I am with your friends, you are stalking my online activity, you drive past where I work and where I live to see what I am doing as you plot and hatch. All you are doing is keeping me alive in your mind, making it easier and easier for me to stay there. Your emotional thinking was too high to begin with as a consequence of the ensnarement and then the unanswered questions when I disengaged from you. You failed to drain your emotional thinking. You failed to allow your logic to gain any kind of foothold. You have read, watched and listened but there is no room for it to sink in because your emotional thinking was too high and furthermore it remains too high. It remains too high because your desire to destroy me, to exact revenge and see me suffer keeps feeding that emotional thinking.

Round and round your thoughts go. You think you are feeling better, no longer sad, no longer hurting, but the anger that has replaced those feelings (or perhaps has temporarily overridden them) means that you have lost insight. Your emotional thinking has you in its grip. It, in its usual cunning way, has conned you into thinking that you have moved forward by causing you to think that this anger, this planning, this desire to destroy is evidence of progress and recovery.

It is not.

It is too soon. Too soon from your disengagement. Too soon from your escape. Too soon from the hoovering.

All you are doing is engaging with me once more. My reactions may seem one of anger and irritation, but that is just my self-defence mechanism responding in order to assert my superiority once again as I draw on your Challenge Fuel. You are not wounding me. I repeat, you are not wounding me.

Your attacks against me are surrounded by venom, anger and annoyance. Thus it is Challenge Fuel. This just fuels me and my responses cause you to think you are getting to me, you are not, those reactions are designed, an instinctive response by my narcissism, to make you think you are getting somewhere, to make you give me more fuel and to allow me to assert my superiority over you as that must always be done.

Your desire for revenge is premature. You must reduce your emotional thinking through a robust no contact, you must build your Logic Defences and allow them to gain a foothold and then bring that reduced emotional thinking under control. This takes time, many months, to achieve.

Yet once done, with that emotional thinking at a far lower level and with logic prevailing, any remaining desire to destroy (and often it has now faded with the diminution of emotional thinking) means that it will be deployed from a distance, with cool, hard calculation and if you do so in accordance with the steps set out in my work Revenge then you will avoid being ensnared, you will avoid messing up the revenge campaign and you are far, far more likely to meet with success.

But if you fail to heed these wise words and think you know better. If you think you are ready now to effect revenge, with ill-preparation and rampant emotional thinking then please do seek it.

You will not get it.



80 thoughts on “The Desire To Destroy The Narcissist

  1. Leslie says:

    Why shouldi waste time and energy on hating? It hurts ne not him and i refuse to grant him that fuel. And I very carefully calculate how much fuel I’m willing to provide when we have to interact.

  2. analise13 says:

    My desire to destroy the narcissist =0
    I have better use for my time and life, then revenge.

    1. MB says:

      I second that Analise. Ain’t nobody got time for that! (Revenge that is.)

  3. Dana says:

    I come to this site from a little different viewpoint than most on here. I was never an IPPS to a narcissist although I have interacted with them. My mother-in-law is a victim or covert narcissist. About 16 years ago my husband and I went No Contact with her although we didn’t know what label to call her. I had dealt with her for 9 years, laid out my case logically for my husband, and told him he could do what he wanted, but I would not see her anymore, and we would have to figure out if she was to see our children at all. My husband decided going No Contact with me was the best thing to do. Although we have been hoovered, we have only seen her once at my husband’s father’s funeral.
    Around the time that we cut off ties with her, my brother married a narcissist. They had 2 kids together and are now divorced. They are currently in and out of court over the kids. In fact, they were supposed to start a jury trial (only done in the state of Texas in custody cases) tomorrow and I was going to testify for my brother, but the judge ordered mediation (which was originally rejected because the narcissist refused).
    Anyway, after seeing how many lives are destroyed by a narcissist, I admit to having a few fantasies about fashioning a wooden stake and going narc hunting…but morally I can’t do that…so….to me (and I think I am different than most on here because although I have empathic qualities, I doubt that I am actually an empath… maybe just somewhere in the normal range of people), I don’t feel the need to make the narcissist feel bad or see the light… rather I just do a lot of reading and trying to help those that are in the sights of the narcissist…
    I’d like to protect and help my brother, his children, etc.
    That is my revenge. To know and understand them well enough to minimize the damage. By the way, H.G. Tudor, I taught my niece the totem method of getting rid of emotional thinking, and it has helped her stay strong and be ready to tell the judge that she wants to live with my brother. Previously, her narc mother would cry (wail all over the house actually), and my niece would relent and say she wouldn’t go in front of the judge.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Good to see.

    2. NarcAngel says:

      Good for you for using logic to set healthy boundaries for yourself and your family instead of focusing on revenge.

    3. Tappi Tikarrass says:

      Hi Dana
      Yes, I also unwittingly was cutting the narcs out of my life without realising it’s an actual technique called No Contact. Familial narcs especially. I think many here have probably done the same… at least to some extent. Inspiring story you tell. Your niece is lucky to have an aunt like you.

    4. Angel Grace says:

      What is the “totem” method. New to blog…which post should I read? Sounds like something that will help me on my quest to become more logical 😉

    5. Anm says:

      Dana, I highly recommend that if you believe the children really want to live with your brother, that you guys look into a family evaluation, guardian ad litem, or therapist for an expert witness. Mediation wont work for a female narcissist unless her back is against the wall. The female narcissist can still present that the “best interest of the child” are in her favor, and she may present to the judge that your niece was coached. If a professional can talk to your niece, and get an idea of the real family dynamic, make notes, and present her findings to the courts, you have a far better chance of making your nieces voice heard.

  4. SMH says:

    A certain amount of emotion can give you the strength to power through with logic. It’s like a propellant.

    I got some revenge that way- exactly what I needed – but I waited until I had cooled down post-escape. Maybe I had reached Zero Impact (re Super Xena’s post above) but I had to do it when I did because he was moving and I would have lost my chance.

    It took weeks of obsession and planning, during which I acted very sweet and nonchalant. I then let fly. It wasn’t easy at all – he had me in tears of frustration at one point – but I am glad I did not leave it too long because I would hate to have missed my chance or to be thinking about it now. I am so glad I did it.

    There are further plans if I don’t lose interest and the opportunity arises but no rush…I did what I absolutely had to do and the rest can wait.

    I laugh now because I am SO SO obsessive. I fixated on this one thing I needed him to do, didn’t give away the plot, and made him do it in front of me. He was not humiliated by what he had to do but he was that I had him over a fucking barrel.

  5. JustEmpath says:

    HG, I have really important question.

    If a victim (ex IPSS) is in 1 year no contact with a narcissist and resists all hoovers and is happy and cheerful again BUT occasionally will link on her social media for example to a social campaign about mental abuse increasing the knowledge about abusive relationships and she does it without any comment and if the narcissist will see this post – is it fuel or can it cause a wound? I mean, I have no intention to wound him and of course I don’t want to fuel him. I just feel the abuse in relationships is more important to me since I met this narc, I am happy I am healed and sometimes when I see a good NGO initiative I share it. I am not talking about cheesy memes “be strong, tomorrow will be better blah blah blah”.

    I’d like to know if seeing this type of content (once in a months) on my profile can have any effect on my ex narc. He is Mid Range N.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      On the basis he is Mid Range he will regard this linked post as directed at him and it will wound, so long as there is no emotive written commentary by you accompanying the post.

      1. foolme1time says:

        HG, I’m not positive that is why I am asking you, do we have a narcissist among us on the blog? Not including you of course. 😉

        1. MB says:

          FM1T, try out HGs Narc Detector service. (As long as that won’t trigger you.)

          1. foolme1time says:

            MB I forgot about that service! Great idea! Thank you!🌻

          2. MB says:

            It’s awesome FM1T! And if it hasn’t changed, it’s only $50. Somebody on here said the prep questions and pulling the information together for HGs analysis triggered their emotional thinking. I didn’t think about that being an issue until she said that. Just be careful if that’s a concern for you.

          3. foolme1time says:

            Thank you for your concern MB, I’ll be fine. 😊

          4. MB says:

            FM1T you’ll be glad you did!

      2. Clarece says:

        A meme like that would wound? I would think the opposite, making them feel smug knowing that ex is still thinking about them and out to “prove” they have moved on. Whenever I see those memes on personal pages, I know someone is still recovering from a brutal heartbreak.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Mid range impugns facade

      3. JustEmpath says:

        Thank you very much, glad to hear it doesn’t fuel him. If it wounds it is ok, but it is not my main goal.

        I’m also curious why it wounds? Is it because he as a mid ranger sees himself as a good person but also probably knows that some of his actions may be perceived as a mental abuse (during the discard he was very verbal abusive and I told him that)? And knowing that his ex doesn’t see him as a perfect loving partner but she sees him as an abuser and misses nothing about the relationship is a manifestation of LT instead of ET he counts on?

  6. Luna says:

    I’ll admit it. I have kind of wanted revenge of some sort. I don’t pity him. At all. I don’t hope he finds love and becomes a better person. Because I don’t believe that’s in the cards for my ex. I certainly had no plans to cause him physical harm or cause destruction of his property. I *was* trying to get under his skin with increasingly snarky texts. But as H. G. pointed out to me in another post last week, I’m only hurting myself but continuing to engage in any way. That cured me. Because it’s absolutely true. I just had the most peaceful weekend I’ve had since this shit show began over a year ago. I honestly don’t know if I will ever feel a “brotherhood of man” kind of warmth for my ex. I can mutter “I don’t wish him any harm” through gritted teeth and sort of mean it. And I can continue NO CONTACT. That’s as good as it gets for now.

  7. Renarde says:

    Totally agree HG. Most revenge attacks won’t work for two reasons. They are clouded by over emotional thinking. The second is that women, most especially women, are not actually taught how to think. The reasons are straightforward; they don’t tend to go into the fields of maths, physics and chemistry and are naturally drawn to the humanities or English. A lot of those teachers are female. It’s a self perpetuating cycle.

    I am not by any stretch saying that women are stupid or less intelligent then men. But the female over-reliance on their own emotions presents serious issues. I am a teacher (ex). I taught in a very high performing school which was boys only. One thing we discussed endlessly is how do we not only deliver the curriculum but how do we teach them to think? Female teachers often ‘stoke’ the boys and say ‘there there’, the natural mothering instinct. I not only used to deliver an extremely hard subject but I would regularly prod them into questioning why. Question me. Dont just accept what I am saying is true. Think for yourself.

    The ‘plotting with your friends’ thing made me truly laugh out loud. I love my friends but I would NEVER do that. The more people know of my plans, the less effective they will be.

    Revenge truly is a dish best served cold.

    Tell me HG, have you ever entangled with a woman who has even approached your own intellect? I’ll wager there have been a couple of have given you a run for your money!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I prefer highly intelligent women. Intelligence however is no defence against our manipulations however. No, they have not given me a run for my money.

      1. Renarde says:

        Then I would say they were not intelligent enough. [Grins]

      2. Elainie says:

        One simply cannot bea the elite greater narc at his game now, can they? I consider myself intelligent and have a high IQ, however it is no defence and I believe it comes down to of course how one was rasied (both parents of mine were narcs). I knew exactly the den I was entering, admittedly I enjoyed the sedeuction and grandiosity and of course the keeping me on my toes aspect is familial one from childhood. Therapy can go so far but what I have found is most analysts cannot decipher narcs well.

      3. Elainie says:

        And oh dear I type fast and my PC changes letters, I wish I could correct the typos I keep making on here as a result.

    2. Valkyrie says:

      I hold degrees in Mathematics and Microbiology and am an empath. I am a logic thinker in some ways and emotional in others.

      1. Valkyrie says:

        I agree with others here that emotional and logical thinking can be used as tools to collaboratively find a multi-textured/multi-dimensional solution.

        1. Windstorm says:

          Me, too.

      2. kiki says:

        So true , I am the same but with Chemistry and Biology and Maths.
        I love to use my logic , but isnt science a bit intuitive and imaginative also.Some of the best scientists were driven not by logic but passion and an immense need to understand the WHY? .

        1. Renarde says:

          No. Absolutely not. A theory is postulated/hypothesised. Then it is tested. If any parts of the hypothesis do not accord with the raw data then either the theory is junked or modified.

          That being said, I am prompted to recall the guy who realised that carbon bonds in a specific way. He was day dreaming of the snake eating it’s own tail. The Ouroboros.

      3. Renarde says:

        Cool! Mine is Physics at Post Grad level.

      4. Valkyrie says:

        Kiki was referring to a driving passion to find answers in science, not the scientific method, which is used to eliminate bias, emotional or otherwise. So yes, I think emotion (drive) and logic (method) can both be applied to find answers in science.

        1. Renarde says:

          It’s not that I don’t agree that this can be the case but in my experience working as a scientist and engineer; they tend to be emotionally cold and extremely logic driven. The desire to succeed on an intellectual basis is often the drive enough.

          There is a funny story that I read about inviting physicists to a disco. When they attempt to dance, they all look like they are spiders on a hot plate.

          Funnily enough, some Ns DO dance like this. Not all though. And guess what cadre? The somatics.

  8. Sal says:


    does narcissist feel when an ex victim is no longer “in love”, “under his spell” and is it possible he doesn’t hoover by professing love and all that BS because he knows it won’t him get anywhere so he tries more friendly approach? Does narcissist who feel that the victim crossed the emotional ocean is angry, does his ego hurt?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      A loss of control and possibly wounded. The response depends on various factors, chiefly the school of narcissist.

  9. Tappi Tikarrass says:

    I’ve come to recognise that emotion and logic are out of balance when anger and revenge lust dominate my mind…. thank you for your assistance (however unintentional on your part) with that HG.
    I should make it clear that I personally believe emotion can inform logic…. that the two work best in collaboration, not isolation…. I’ve come to learn here that an imbalance of either logic or emotion is ultimately unhealthy…. for the person and those they interact with.
    Balance… this word roams my mind a lot of late… Let’s see if it will create something meaningful in there… my brain I mean!

    1. Quasi says:

      Totally agree with you Tappi.. if I could give your post multiple likes I would .. but alas I can do but 1 …

      1. Tappi Tikarrass says:

        Thanks Quasi, that means a lot to me, coming from one as wise and knowledgeable as you.

    2. Renarde says:

      Agreed. Kind of. But in dealing with a revenge attack, emotion must not saw how you come to a course of action or it will fail.

      1. Tappi Tikarrass says:

        Revenge is a dish best served to the rubbish bin. Best not to prepare that dish at all….

        1. Renarde says:

          Well I was thinking of a very specific situation that has cropped up recently concerning someone I care about and therefore it would have been a tactical move on my part. As it turns out the situation resolved itself so no action required.
          Sorry am being a bit cloak and dagger but need to be cautious. But yes, I tend to agree. As cold and emotionless thinking is required to deploy the attack probably by then you can’t be arsed anyway.

    3. Caroline says:

      Well said Tappi T,
      Emotion and logic are not mutually exclusive.

      For ourselves in healing, we can respond to ourselves in an emotionally appropriate manner (“I’m in pain, and need comfort and healing, and to be away from the cause of the pain”). We pour all that emotional energy towards ourselves, & to those we love, and can be good to. (“I’m in pain now but I’m going to get through this”)
      I can have somewhere to go with all the emotional energy. To give my love that the N doesn’t want or deserve to those who appreciate it.

      Towards him or her who has proven to be our deadly enemy, we put up a shield of flinty, and unflinching, logic.
      We draw the line in the sand, and have decided this is an absolute boundary: everyone on my side of the line will be treated with love, patience, understanding and respect. Everyone on the other side gets bare minimum, contextually appropriate response, either professional courtesy, or minimal to no contact.
      This is how it is.
      I am the CEO of my life.

      This recovery process is a fight to the death, and we acknowledge our pain, our inherent vulnerability, and the need to be kind to ourselves, but we know we must win.
      (“There can only be one winner, and it going to be me.
      It is going to be me.” I say it to myself in the bathroom mirror first thing. “But I feel XYZ…” “I know you feel XYZ, but this is a fight to the death, and XYZ doesn’t get to vote. There can only be one winner, and it’s going to be me”)

      We are kind to ourselves, but we won’t fall into the trap of self-pity. We use logic to protect us, and determine our next move. We act according to our convictions, and divest ourselves of thoughts that are emotional dead weights. Things that do not serve our best interests. We do this 20x a day. 50x if need be.

      I often think of that scene in ‘Vikings’ where Ragnar watches his beloved son Bjorn fall in battle, and he urges him sternly “GET UP!”. He knows there is power in being able to stand your ground. To keep getting up is sometimes our greatest challenge, and takes all our energy. Powerful imagery.
      Powerful we are when we harness both emotion and logic. Boudicca in her chariot.

      1. Tappi Tikarrass says:

        Thanks Caroline
        Yes… boundaries and balance…
        I had to google Boudicca as I had no idea what that meant. Thanks for drawing my attention to this historical character. She’s my kind of woman. You seem to have a warriors spirit yourself!
        I don’t watch much these days but Vikings is one of my fave shows of recent years and I remember the scene you discuss.
        You’ve given me inspiration to rewatch with a close eye on Lagertha- my favourite character… the second half of season 5 will air in a couple of months… Lagerthas last season so my last too

      2. Caroline says:

        Hi Tippi,
        thanks for your reply.
        I love Lagertha too. I admire her resilience and courage. I’m not looking forward to her death either in this next series. We need more depictions of courageous and resilient women on TV.
        I love the costume and hair design in ‘Vikings’. Do you?
        I love to think of how our ancestors lived in the early medieval period. I don’t know how they ever got their long hair dry after they’d washed it.

        Women had some rights in Danish law, apparently. Irish women did too in the later period: they couldn’t be forced into marriage with someone they didn’t like. I wonder if this is because of the Danish settlement there.

      3. Caroline says:

        Oh sorry Tappi, my phone auto corrected the spelling of your name.

      4. Tappi Tikarrass says:

        Yes I like the Vikings costume and hair design…. the hair design became a bit of a trend in my neck of the woods, the braiding and flower chains at least.
        You made me chuckle with your comment ‘I don’t know how they dried their long hair’. I suspect hair washing may have been rare in the medieval period especially in Northern Europe, if one examines and extrapolates the grooming habits of later eras, though the Mediterranean should be excluded, again due to the climate.
        I’m blissfully ignorant of much European history but I do know that in Southeast Asia there are some instances recorded of women leading insurrections against oppressors. Two sisters in northeast Thailand (a few hundred years ago) come to mind as well as the Minangkabau matriarchy in Sumatra…. SE Asian women generally had little political power but great economic and social power…. they managed the purse strings… there were female royal guards in Thailand, until European colonists came and rogered the entire region… politically, economically and socially.
        I have imagined how awesome SE Asian life must have been before the mass arrival of Europeans. It’s an amazing region with an amazing history…
        I’m waaay off topic so will stop now.

  10. SuperXena says:

    This is an expanded and improved version of the original post Pursuit of Revenge.

    Interesting to see the shift focusing now more towards the Empath’s best interests in this expanded version.

    The first paragraphs as in Pursuit of Revenge have the same purpose :presenting the narcissist’s perspective on how he/she sees revenge and the effect on him/her when not conducted effectively.

    Interesting to notice though, that in this expanded version one statement was not included ( as in the final statement on Pursuit of Revenge): So please, seek your revenge. You will not get it but I will be delighted seeing you try.”
    The absence of the above mentioned statement is the prelude of the new focus given to the Empath’s best interests that are clearly explained on the next following new paragraphs .
    Very clear and valuable explanation of why the pursuit of revenge without first reaching Zero Impact is futile and detrimental for the empath having the opposite effect wanted by the empath( to wound the narcissist) giving instead the narcissist more supply and keeping “the victim” still hooked by emotions.

    The key concept here is Zero Impact . As it has been explained here( on the blog) Zero Impact is not “ not feeling” emotions but rather not to let emotions get hold completely of oneself, not becoming the emotion/feeling itself.

    The book revenge is a “ must read” before even thinking to start a revenge campaign. After all , if one really reaches Zero Impact, what will then be the reason to embark in such a campaign?

    I believe that some of the new posts or expanded improved version of others, are reflecting as well the improved,enriched knowledge of the empath’s perspective and how she/he functions -arising undoubtedly from the interactions with them (us) on this blog .

    And most important of all turning this enriched knowledge into something even more positive for the empath .

    Very valuable improved version .

  11. Anm says:

    Its been 3 years since my disengagement with my narcissist ex. I am finally ready to destroy the narcissist like Uma killed Bill. I know I am ready because I can face the shame, the terror, and the stress the narcissist uses to psych me out. It worked before, but it doesn’t anymore. It’s for the safety of my daughter more than myself

    1. Not So Sad says:

      High Five Anm !

      I waited a very long time. But it was so worth it .x

      1. Anm says:

        Not so sad, I’m glad you prevailed

  12. Kiki says:

    Hi other empaths here , just a question how do you cope when those immense emotions grip you and you want to contact the narc .

    The emotions come in waves for me .Somedays I feel calm serene and read here and feel in control .
    The next it could be any trigger ,I don’t even know what the trigger is , and I feel like telling him what he is , I feel like pleading for a why ? I want to beg for the old him to talk to me the way he did .Once again , just one more time .I want to show all my hurt all my confusion one last time and hope for an answer.Even though I have done so before , got me nowhere .The urge can be enormous .The tears have stopped ,but sometimes the anger or despair that I was fooled grips me .
    This however is the first time I’ve gone through this emotional wave and not contacted him.
    I rode it out , I kept thinking I’m not giving him fuel No No.Its hard HG so hard and exhausting but I am a stubborn one and don’t want to fail this time.
    My emotional thinking goes off the charts sometimes.Im using a rapid distraction ,it helps but the wave comes in again and again ,it is exhausting .Something holds me back from not blocking him , hope Ithink .
    I’m better than I was but my emotions just get too much sometimes .

    1. Valkyrie says:

      Hi Kiki, I was in the exact same place, wanting explanations, wanting to tell him how he hurt me and possibly give it another chance. I went through several cycles of this. I called him and re-entered the relationship several times.

      But…the deceit continued. To help me with no contact…

      1) I do as you do and come here to read along with other sites and informative places. Some articles just click.

      2) I ordered some of HGs books.

      3) I think about the other women he has hurt (I have spoken to some) and I think about being with someone who hurts women that way. They put their lives on hold for him. He gave them a false name, not even his real name, but said all this loving stuff to them. All the while, doing the same thing to several women and lying about it.

      4) I talk to my best friend.

      5) I think about the times I cried and he could not have cared less. I have to have someone who cares about my well being.

      6) I practice self care.

      7) I think about what my mother would want. She raised me to be a fierce, independent woman. She was kind and strong and emotional and beautiful and loving. I think, “what would I do if a man treated my mother the way I got treated?” I would tell her to get out.

    2. Windstorm says:

      I emerged my mind in activities when I’d want to contact my narc. Hobbies and crafts, movies. Getting out in public places was good too.

      1. NarcAngel says:


        …driving around people in gas masks……


        1. Windstorm says:

          Not sure driving her around gets me away from narcissists….. 😄

      2. kiki says:

        Thank you both Windstorm and Valkyrie for your kind replies.

        It is so nice to relate to others here who are struggling with the exact same thing.
        Yes I remember after sending one of my fuel laden messages about six weeks ago I lay on a beach all upset, beautiful surroundings and all I could do was weep about him and his cold indifference.
        I read one of HGs books , I think it was the exorcism one.That book changed my perspective and I came here .I kind of lurked around here earlier and never posted until I read that book and he described everything like the mixture and omnipresence.I am so glad I came back here and started to really digest this.It hard to take but the evidence of narc abuse is glaring at me.
        My logic defenses are poor I think as I still long for the narc to turn back into the man I knew.That is the killer part for me.

    3. HappyTimesAhead says:

      This is logical vs emotional thinking that HG has written about. When you become emotional, actively runnning through the logical knowledge helps to calm me and maintain focus on me not him.

    4. SMH says:

      Kiki, what everyone else has said. But I also found keeping a journal (just a long document, really) very helpful. I would keep track of my moods by writing it all down and I would look for patterns. Maybe you will find your triggers that way. I’d also write draft emails but not send them.

      Eventually my journal entries became fewer and fewer, and now I don’t need to write at all. It’s been 4 months NC but the writing started last year during a previous round of NC over 6 months, after which he tried to get me back into the FR, and I escaped. For good – I hope.

    5. Renarde says:

      Argghh! Feeling your pain! Before I was unweaponised it was the Absent Silent Treatment from the rapist that finally drove me over the edge. had three months off work.

      It’s actually HG who has helped. Once I realised the immense importance I was to their kind then I could grasp fully the notion that he didn’t discard me because I was rubbish (well kind of in his eyes because that is the disengagement because fuel potency was running low) but I KNEW he would be back. And he was. And the GEN is back now…plotting something I daresay. THAT for me was the ultimate moment. He had become obsessed. In fact, we had become obsessed with each other.

      Trouble is; still in love with him. Or rather the construct. I always let him chase me. Sometimes he apologises and tells me ‘what a bad man’ he is.

      No? Really?

      Distraction is the key. I will admit I do cry from time to time when I remember him and I suspect THIS one will be with me for a long time.

    6. Anm says:

      Kiki, keep a journal or something for reminders. I have to stay in contact with my ex because I’m court ordered to. Anytime I fail at providing the bare minimum, and send him a cute picture, or information he doesn’t deserve, he ALWAYS replies with something negative or disappointing. It’s a journey, but keep reminding yourself that contacting the narcissist will never result to anything good, and you are seeking something the narcissist can not and will not ever give you or anyone else.

  13. Valkyrie says:

    Great article. I agree with the need to calm emotional thinking to reduce the chances of being re-ensnared. Spot on yet again HG. I do not have desire for revenge, but I think no contact is far easier when emotions have settled.

    1. analise13 says:

      I agree Valkyrie, when in no contact and
      no longer crave them or wish them ill,
      when emotional thinking is abated.
      It just feels lighter and easier.
      It is called Freedom.

      1. Windstorm says:

        That has the sound of a poem:

        “When in no contact, no longer crave them,
        No longer wish them ill,
        When emotional thinking is abated,
        Feels lighter and easier still,

        1. analise13 says:

          I didn’t even notice that Windstorm, it does rhyme.

  14. Valkyrie says:

    My narc always said “Love me or hate me, you choose.” I don’t hate him. He would say “hate me” “I know you hate me”, almost like he wanted me to. I am extremely hurt by his lies and cheating, but I will always have hope for him. I will always hope he will understand how others feel and grow and learn.

    One of my best friends had a stroke and the doctor would tell him, just keep trying to move your arm. It may seem dead to you, it does not move, but the brain is learning and even just trying will eventually lead to progress. He focused on moving his hand, over and over, day after day. It moved. Sometimes things that have been obliterated can be relearned. It takes a long time. Maybe empathy is the same way.

    Although I am protecting myself with NC, I strive to respond with love. I will not repay mistreatment with mistreatment.

    1. Renarde says:

      I totally understand your sentiments but personally: I don’t feel the same.

      I don’t strive for revenge but if the opportunity ever crossed my path…

      There is only so many times one person can be raped, Have their consent violated and being threatened with rape before you totally and utterly give them the Best of British.

      This whole #metoo shizzle has utterly backfired IMHO. Just given ammo to the wrong groups. Especially the MRA’s and the Incels.

      Don’t get me wrong. I am also a Priestess (pagan) but that doesn’t mean to say that I respond with an almost Abrahamic fervour into turning ones own cheek.

      And honestly; I’m not sure at this stage, I mean adults, can find their own empathic bone if they have either a – never been born with it in the first place or b – have willfully discarded it through the fact they were also abused.

      It’s so difficult. We want to believe, so badly that it can be all OK. I cry. Not every day, but I still cry for the husband I lost and who still has my heart. In his way, of course he abused me me but in reality; not so much.

      I’d give pretty much anything to gift him what I have but I cannot. It would be fruitless to suggest otherwise.

      A lovely post though.

  15. wounded says:

    Abuse is a cycle. I managed to break free of one cycle. Slowly healing, growing, rising.

    Only to be drawn in by you. By another cycle. My rage is bottomless and seething. Some days I am strong. Others…..

    You know this. I think that is why you put in so much effort into me in the first place. I will heal again in time. Break loose of this cycle. Vent my rage where it belongs. Make no mistake, I will never hand this over to you.

  16. Corky Marie says:

    Interesting, as it’s been almost a year and a half and I still haven’t gotten to the ‘angry at him’ stage. I feel if I allow myself to feel anger towards him then I will be right where I was when I was completely blinded by his manipulative ways. I know I will eventually feel the anger, which of course is healthy, I just don’t know when. Rephrase a bit, I have felt anger towards what he has done and what was did but I still think like many others do about the narcissist, that he is a very sick individual, so how can I blame someone with an illness? It’s still hard to grasp the fact that narcissists are actually aware of what they do and that they plot for it. I cannot think like that, therefore it’s hard to grasp.

  17. Margaret Robertson says:

    I do not seek revenge. I have learned (thank you HG) that the best revenge is freedom and living life fabulously. I am gone! I moved into my new apartment last Monday. (The diamond he gave me purchased my freedom). I start a new job tomorrow…it’s a dream job with an awesome company working with people I already like immensely. I don’t have the time or the inclination to contact the ex-Narc. I’m sure he’s busy embarrassing himself with Crazy Laura (his ex GF he was still seeing while engaged to me). From now on….anyone he is with will be compared to me and they will all fall short. All of his associates and everyone he does business with thinks very highly of me. There is no use being angry at anything…. he could not care less and I’m not about to give him any more of my precious energy. He introduced me to people that I treasure and he moved me out of my comfort zone into what is now an exciting new life! I know without a doubt I am strong! I am happy! I know an entire rainbow of positive emotions he will never be fortunate enough to experience. Life is good! Sucks to be him!

    1. NarcAngel says:

      Margaret Robertson
      Congratulations on your new job, life, and outlook. All the best.

    2. Renarde says:

      Well done there!

    3. Presque Vu says:

      Margaret! Do it in style!
      This is a fine example to us all. I’m very nearly there now too 🙂
      I see the fire in your spirit!!

  18. Orginal Overthinker says:

    I just want to heal … His heated fury was such and the vilness of what he said, I think was deliberate so I do not ever want to speak to him ever again. I am not sure if I am naive, I don’t want to carry hate as I know will be more damaging to me…

  19. Em says:

    Never have I wanted revenge, karma will come, watch and wait.

  20. Mandy K says:

    Sometimes I *think I feel hatred, but it’s more a feeling of fear that I succumbed to his manipulations so willingly, so easily and after the golden period(s), even semi-consciously. My life has been torn asunder since the beginning of June, and while any rational person might feel hatred as a result of the sudden, cruel discard, lies and smears, I still don’t. Maybe I should to protect myself, but I don’t.

  21. nunya biz says:

    Well I hate to be boring, but there IS an alternative. That’s the shitty part. I came to that before I came here. I don’t know, it’s complicated.

  22. pascaleshealingjourney says:

    I do not hate the narcissist. I feel sorry for him that he has to live such an empty and purposeless life.

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