Why The Narcissist Views In Black Or White Only

 

WHY THE NARCISSIST VIEWS IN BLACKOR WHITE ONLY 

We all like to attach labels to people. People do it instinctively in respect of someone who they have just met, someone they have read about, a person they have known for a long time or someone they have seen on television. It is rare for someone to say that they do not have a view or an opinion about someone. Examples might include: –

“He’s a dependable chap, always there when you need him.”

“He’s a funny looking fellow.”

“She is very catty.”

“She is stunning looking.”

“A complete attention seeker.”

“A genius musician.”

“Really annoys me, I don’t know what it is but he does.”

Those are just classifications based on looks and personality. One can classify somebody by race, religion, birthplace, occupation, gender and so much more. Labels are used all the time as people are placed into boxes and compartments. Our kind do the same, but we differ in a fundamental way. We have an instant classification of people which is very straight forward. We will place people into further categories after this initial categorisation often using labels you would not and then we may well attach additional labels similar to the ones you use. What is this initial categorisation? It is simple.

A person is either good or bad. That person is either with us or against us. They either do what we want or they do not. There are no ifs and maybes about these classifications. There is no grey with us when it comes to deciding into which camp someone should be placed. You are either white or black. You cannot be light grey, mid-grey or dark grey. We do not do the middling; it is one or the other. Let me give you some examples of those around me at the current time.

Julia (my boss) – Good

My mother – Bad

Paul (a lieutenant of longstanding) – Good

Andrea (predecessor primary supply) – Bad

Rachael(sister) – Good

Eric (colleague) – Good

Tania (lieutenant) – Good

Lesley (It Girl) – Bad

Elizabeth (litigious former girlfriend) – Bad

Phillip (lieutenant) – Good

Colin (competitor at work) – Bad

Not one of them am I indifferent to. You should be aware that this categorisation is based on my view of them irrespective of their behaviour towards me. Lesley for instance responded to a hoover a little while back and still messages me with pleasant comments from time to time. I play along as I am a far from finished with her but she is a bad person because of what she has done and moreover I know she will be looking for an opportunity to unseat me and seek some form of revenge over me as a consequence of my repeated thwarting of her ambitions. I know her game.

These categorisations are fluid. In fact, they are extremely fluid with some people, usually our intimate partners, especially the Intimate Partner Primary source, but it will apply to secondary sources also (be they intimate, family, colleagues and/or friends). We will switch in an instant from black to white and to black once again. There is no slow change over time, there is no strand of white amidst the black. If you try to bring up the good things that you have done for us when we are attacking you in some way (as you are now viewed as black) you will be challenging us and therefore our first line of defence ( see The Narcissist’s Twin Lines of Defence ) will kick in and we will deny that you ever did any of those things for us – which only confuses you further and is how the gaslighting occurs. Remember, the Lesser and Mid-Range do this always by instinct and does not see the inconsistency or the contrarian behaviour . The Greater does so with some instinct but also calculation and is aware of the contradictions but we do not care.

You may begin as a good person when I wake-up but by breakfast you are a bad person. Sometimes you will be utterly unaware of why your status has altered and it may appear capricious and arbitrary but it is not; you will have done something or failed to do something which has shifted your classification. Most often it is linked to your failure to provide me with fuel and therefore you will be designated a bad person and subjected to treatment in accordance with such a status; devaluation and denigration. Conversely, one can also move from bad to good in the blink of an eye. You won’t necessarily realise why this is, but we do. It is entirely logical to us.

Your status as either white or black is also affected by other movements in our fuel matrix, often ones you have no idea about. Accordingly, you may be busting a gut to please us, thinking you are doing all of the things that we apparently like, allowing us our own way and being compliant but it is not working – you cannot shift from being viewed as black. This is because when you are painted black, everything you do is viewed through that filter. Whereas once we delighted in your status as a board director at a listed company, we now lambast you saying you think more of your job than you do of us. We once praised your signature dish but now we say it is bland and uninspired. This occurs because you have done or not done something, you have been painted a black and furthermore there is someone else in the fuel matrix who is outshining you, they are seen as white and despite your best endeavours to try to return to our favour, you are failing because that white status is ascribed to someone else.

All of a sudden we treat you favourably and you wonder why this has happened, perhaps you did something right for once. It is more to do with someone else behaving in a way so that they become black and therefore in order to maintain contrast (and with it the freshness of the fuel) you become white once again. The difficulty you have is that you often think this shift is because of something you have done, for instance, you bought us tickets to a particular event. Thus, when you find yourself black, you try a similar move to return to white, but for reasons explained above, it fails and you are left bewildered as to why it did not work this time.

As I mentioned once we have classified you as good or bad, we will classify you further, usually linked to the fuel you provide and how under our control you are. After that we will use similar labels to you – an interesting, handsome person and so on. Thus, take Paul my longstanding side kick. He is naturally a good person but I also regard him as a very good source of fuel, a highly reliable source of fuel and completely under my control, loyal and dedicated. My mother is a bad person. Whilst she is a good source of fuel for her emotional outbursts and temper tantrums, she is only fairly reliable. I have little control over her, she is a traitor and scheming to dethrone me, she has no concept of loyalty and is actively plotting against me. Thus whilst she may provide fuel the other factors cause her to be placed in the bad classification. I do not consider her to be grey just because she provides fuel but cannot really be controlled.

Why do we regard people in this manner? Why is it that we cannot take a holistic view of them? For instance, one might suggest that with the ex-girlfriend Lesley that she at one point was loving, dedicated and did much for me. Yes, she became a broken appliance and let me down, she also caused affront to me for which she must be repeatedly punished. She continues to try to be pleasant to me. Do I not look at this myriad of attributes and factors (plus more besides) and place her on some kind of spectrum between good and bad? No I do not. Why?

In order to drive forward and also to defend ourselves it has to be an all or nothing approach. You are viewed as wonderful, amazing, loyal and functioning – therefore we interact with you in a committed and dedicated manner (for instance the love bombing which occurs with regard to those we seduce intimately) so that we are able to extract the maximum amount of fuel and keep you bound to us through the application of benign behaviours. This applies to all appliances – from spouse to lover to friends. Should you wound or challenge us, our self-defence mechanism which is narcissism must provide an absolute defence. To deploy this you cannot be viewed as grey, you cannot be seen in a wish-washy way, you have become the enemy so that all defences can be mobilised with suitable aggression and application to draw fuel to heal the wound or to quash your challenge and assert our superiority once again. This sudden shift from white to black to white again is a necessary device to enable us to function. We cannot do half-measures for if we did, this would result in indecision, a less than total approach and this would lead to reduced fuel, ineffective healing of wounding and partial suppression of challenges and all of that reduces our effectiveness and diminishes our control on the world around us. This then makes us feel worthless, insignificant and unimportant and returns us to a place where we must not ever go again.

This lack of object constancy, the fact we forget all about the good things you have done for us in an instant as you are painted black is bewildering for those who are ensnared by us, but it is entirely necessary for us to function, thrive and survive. The response must be total, it must be instantaneous and it must give us the maximum prospect of success whilst leaving you confused, stunned, bewildered, providing fuel and remaining under our control.

You should have learned by now that because we look at the world through a different lens to you, there are many things that you will do (which you will not be aware about) which cause us to oscillate from regarding you as good to bad and then back to good, often in the space of an hour or less. This is all based on how we perceive your compliance to be. During our seduction of you, you are only ever a good person because you represent that wonderful potent source of positive fuel which we desire. You represent the prospect of an undimmed source unlike the bad person we are devaluing and about to discard. You always respond positively to our overtures, our love-bombing and you give us what we want. Hence you remain a good person. Those who are in our coterie, our lieutenants and those who form our façade remain good people. Challenge us, defy us or even worse see through us and you are challenging our need for superiority and self-worth and you must automatically be designated as a bad person, irrespective of what may have come before, that would create a more complex view. You failed to do what we want; you are a bad person. You then change and do what we want, you become a good person. It is a simple and necessary classification that we utilise.

Accordingly, everything is either good or bad with our kind. Admittedly, though it usually turns ugly as well….

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31 thoughts on “Why The Narcissist Views In Black Or White Only”

  1. This is like the Twilight Zone episode when everyone had to be nice to the little boy, Billy Mumy. It’s like walking on eggshells. Even trying to please him doesn’t please him. So why should we care?

    Devaluation comes off like a challenge to me. I respond out of pride and self respect, because I can’t allow anyone to speak to me that way. I give back insult for insult, I’m good at one-upping. If I’m painted black, I still give positive fuel when I feel like it. I don’t play by his rules, because I don’t care about them.

    I can be the best of everything and still be undeservidly devalued because I accidentally treated a narc like a normal person or he’s jealous of an achievement. There’s no winning.

    I don’t want to be a character in a twilight zone episode. So I’ll just be me, a character in itself, you can’t paint me or pigeonhole me because it doesn’t fit.

    But white flags for surrender, I’m ready for a new game. I don’t want to play negative fuel anymore. If he wants any fuel from me, it will have to be positive because that’s what I want, or nothing.

  2. Hi HG….I have a question about this. Can this black/white/good/bad extend to another tangent….for example innocent vs. guilty?

    I ask because of my MRN’s similar behavior where he will discuss his “guilt and shame” regarding engaging with me.

    In these instances when he mentions the guilt and shame by engaging with me he always mentions his wife and how she is “innocent” to his behavior. But it goes beyond that. He will also reference his daughter (and unborn son) and refer to them as “innocent” as well. I imply this to mean that at that moment they are good and I am bad. Is this accurate in terms to what you write about above or is this something different?

    On the other side, when he does engage with me and I DO NOT hear those things being said (because there are times when he does what he wants with me and never mentions his family)….am I to assume that at that point they are bad and I am good?

    I hope you understand what I am trying to ask here.

  3. Hi MB, thanks for the compliment!
    Dear Tammy – I’m not aware of your personal history, but you “touched a nerve” when you mentioned Stockholm syndrome. I was raised CEN becoming codependent and empath in order to “fit” into this crazy beautiful world. I was naive, not knowing that I was defined by these 3 things. Only time and research whilst looking for answers post discard led me to understand this. I didn’t know my ex was a narc, the failings were all mine. Post discard, post smear, post multiple hoover’s I was emotionally exhausted and scarred. Last hoover 8 years ago. I learned to detach logically over time, but like you it took longer to detach emotionally. I still felt empty, self blame, anxious and worried that people saw me thru his eyes. Logic and emotion were interspersed. Logic won out (actions speak louder than words), but the emotion lingered which is why I still researched and found HGs blog. Wow, this explained so much. I know narcs target all kinds of people, but wear them all down eventually. My “3things” made me vulnerable, and my recovery hard. I “colluded” in my downfall as 1) I knew zero about narcville, and 2) I didn’t know abt my “3things”. Understanding narcville unlocked the door to my freedom and sanity, but the emotional tugging I believe is a result of my “3”. I don’t know if HG would agree, but although recovering from narc, I still need to recover from my codependency traits in order to regain my emotional equilibrium. It’s my”3″which keep me unsettled (perhaps a version of Stockholm syndrome). As a footnote, my ex took up with a covert narc – it wasn’t pretty, the fallout ugly, she discarded him. I kept silent, dignified, but dying inside. I later learned that whilst with her, he had hoovered the woman he knew before me, yet still came back to hoover me. Last attempted hoover he wanted my help with something, I declined … logic, experience prevailed, but the emotion still punched holes in me. He cannot fulfill me emotionally or heal the wound – picking at a wound doesn’t allow the wound to heal it just creates a bigger wound. I am recovering, I understand myself better, I will recover. So will you … be kind to yourself, you’re worth it more than you realise.

  4. I was going to write a monologue about how brilliant this article is and the importance of understanding the individual traits of NPD as a defence mechanism. I could do this, I have enough thoughts on the subject to create such a thing, it could be the zenith of my comment writing on the blog!

    However I’m commenting with my feet as my hands are applauding you! And my feet do not have the same dexterity when it comes to epic typing !

      1. Aww thanks, and right back at ya Tammy.. x

        I actually stole that line re- commenting with my feet as my hands are applauding.. I read it on another site and found it very funny. – damn this honesty thing.

        I was trying to be light again in my commenting after my embarrassing emotional mind spiral at the weekend.. lol

        Like an absolute geek I have actually written in depth reflections on quite a few of HG’s articles, ones that affected me the most and ones that I found most illuminating ( including this article now). I did this to help me understand why they affected me and label emotions evoked. I also wrote them so I did not bombard the comments of articles on the blog with even more epic long comments then I already had. I have scanned a few of them already but not sure when I would pluck up the courage to let anyone actually read them…. proper geeky fan stuff.

      2. Quasi, lol! I know what you mean. I zero in on a lot too.
        I’m not tech savvy but I finally successfully downloaded kindle, so I can read HG’s books. I’m beginning with the jaw dropping book Fuel.
        I find myself wanting to figure out word press and start a blog. But more for myself than anyone else. I guess making my own fuel for myself? Yes, I share in geekness with you. And f a thesaurus, we’ll damn well make up our own words, lol!

      3. Excellent, I’m so pleased I’m not Sailing the geeky fan boat solo!

        If you do a blog I will definitely read it lovely, made up words and all. I have one but I do not write anything in it, I only set it up ( as in honesty I thought you had to have one to comment on the blog .. lol). I didn’t have a clue, and I’m not tech savvy at all either.
        I’m glad I have it now though. Although I still never have time to write anything on it.
        Fuel is brilliant, And I would recommend fury next.
        Qx

      4. I will totally read fury next…
        And lol, I would start a blog but have no idea how to start one…I must investigate, lol. I only have a phone and no actual computer…

      5. Tammy
        Me too! Although I do have an iPad with its own internet. You can do practically anything with just a smart phone. 😊

      6. If I run out of things to do today, I’m going to see about starting one…if I can figure it out…or not chicken out, lol!!!

    1. Quasi, since you bring it up and you’re a good one to ask: journaling – everybody talks about it, they say it’s therapeutic, etc. I’ve tried it a time or two but end up sugar coating or down right lying to myself in case somebody ever found it. There are emotions I could never speak of AND THEN HAVE PROOF TO BOOT! I am unable to journal the way it should be done for fear it will be found either while I’m alive or after I’m dead. How do you handle your journaling? Where do you keep it? Am I the only one with these concerns?

      1. Hey MB,

        Ok the way I recommend people to journal within a professional capacity is the use of a physical paper journal. The act of pen to paper has a significant therapeutic value, it can be effective with text on a word doc also, but there is something about the flow of pen to paper. This may be linked to learning styles also.

        With regards to expression I recommend brutal, accurate self reflection. When you hear and recognise your true internal state, it aids understanding of the self.
        – what triggered an emotion / reaction?
        – how you might feel that emotion in your body physically?
        – can you label the emotion?
        In reflection we observe and describe the internal experience.
        – try not to use judgments
        – only state facts of experience- this can aid self validation as it helps you build trust in your internal experience.

        Personally I did not journal as in daily thoughts journaling as such for my time analysing my engagement with the narcissist I knew. I did put pen to paper ( a lot)to write out my feelings, thoughts.
        I used the pros and cons / balance sheet method to convince myself not to make contact, early after disengagement.
        I used a technique of writing out questions I wanted to know the answer to and reading them out load, then writing out the first answers that popped in my head – they were most often accurate and honest and what I needed to know. This highlights that the person has a lot of the answers inside already, we just often don’t value our own opinion or credit it, as people can often devalue themselves in these situations.

        As my situation was of an intimate nature in the later part and I am married as you know, I did not keep any of this, I tore it up and threw it away. However the way in which I wrote it out helped me identify patterns for his cycle of behaviour and also patterns within myself. It helped me really acknowledge my part and take responsibility for it. This helped me more then anything, knowing that I made independent choices with capacity, and owning them (this is what was right for me).

        If you just need to express and understand your emotions it is fine to do this as it is not necessarily something you need to read over and over. Expression of Emotion can be momentary, and very productive, over time you learn to recognise what they are and why you are having them, the more you practice the art of hearing them in the first place.

        So for you if you are concerned about things being found, keep them safe and for a short time. Tear it up or burn them- the act of doing this can be cathartic in itself.

        I complete a gratitude journal which i keep, and re-read at times.

        The reflections on articles I have spoken of in this thread I do keep, in a separate folder. They are hand written, but I have sneaked some through the scanner at work so I have them electronically stored also. They are personal still, as they are reflections on the affect of HG’s writing’s, but they are not regarding the narcissist I knew so not personal in that way. So I will probably keep them.

        I’m happy to help re – lists of emotions to use in practicing identification and labelling emotions. If I can source info online and paste a link, I will do, all of my resources are on word or pdf docs.

      2. Quasi, thank you so much for your insight. I’m a paperless person although I agree that pen to paper is the best when journaling.

        I gotta share this with you girlfriend. I can be a bit gadget-y and I bought myself a Rocketbook last Christmas. They have them at amazon and not very expensive. You use pilot frixion ink pens on them. You take a pic with your phone camera and the app will email it, upload to your google drive and other options depending on the symbol you mark at the bottom of the page and then it’s erasable! And you don’t have to sneak the scanner at work. I use it for classes and seminars and stuff. I was forever having a few pages in a notebook here, one there, etc and so disorganized. I’m the paperless queen and have made every office I’ve been a part of since 2006 paperless. Not paper-free mind you, but I’ve hated filing since the start of my career and it’s no longer a thing for me. I can find all my stuff whenever I need it at the click of a button. (Many of my mad skills 😏)

        I like the idea of journaling in an erasable notebook, making it electronic is a little bit scary for the preservation factor. But if I’m honest with myself, I think it’s more about the fact that if I l write it, it becomes real. Does that make sense? I’ve said on here before that I like to bury my head in the sand. If I can’t see it, I don’t have to deal with it. I’m worried about digging it all up. I’ve stuffed so much for so long…

      3. Hi MB,

        Your paragraph re – the rocketbook= my mind blown… I think I may be in the Stone Age comparatively speaking.
        My tech at home includes my iPhone, and an old second hand ( trying to keep alive) apple notebook- you know the old thick white one with a cd drive, and my work laptop which is probably just as old and chunky..

        It is great that you are paperless and if using an erasable notebook works for you then go for it.

        Being honest with yourself regarding as to why you have avoided looking at it thus far is a good start. All I can say is that for as long as you do not look at it, it will remain. Sometimes the thing we ignore, push down, can become bigger and overtake.. there is a children’s book called “there is no such thing as a dragon” by jack Kent, it explains this concept in the most lovely way. You can listen to an audio of it on you tube, only a few minutes long, im sure you do not want a children’s book on your kindle, lol.

        Repressing experiences and ongoing memories is a coping mechanism, it is done because the “thing” is so overwhelming, emotionally crippling or traumatic to face. Children often do this due to the overwhelming nature of an experience that they have endured, especially when they have not been able to process an experience/ trauma as they are not fathomable.
        Avoidance is a safety behaviour, we use it to lessen anxiety about something, it can work short term but cause issues long term as with many things.

        It can only be ever be you that decides to notice the dragon, acknowledge it and attend to it.
        All I can say is that if writing it makes it “real” you can actually work on breaking it down constructively- so you can actually make it less overwhelming, process it, accept it and let it go.
        ( acceptance not approval )
        Acceptance for you and your emotional well being.

        If the concern is about giving emotions real form by acknowledging them/ making them real then the same applies.
        Giving something form and context helps you to understand it, it’s akin to your learning here, as learning about the narcissist perspective helps give shape to a previously unrecognisable ether!

      4. Quasi, this is so helpful. I wouldn’t mind having a children’s book on my kindle at all, but I was able to listen to the dragon book on YouTube. And you are right, it explained it in a lovely way although I must admit, it was quite a punch in the gut for me. That’s how I deal with everything negative. I ignore because I don’t want to see it. I stuff it because I don’t want to feel it. The weird thing is, nothing truly bad has ever happened to me. I wasn’t abused or neglected as a child. I haven’t struggled a great deal in my life. My children are healthy. I have a dependable life partner in my husband.

        It’s just that anything that is unpleasant or uncomfortable, I push away from my consciousness. Example, on my way to work yesterday, I saw that somebody had hit a very large turtle with their car. The thing that upset me was that the turtle was not in the road. The driver had to run off the road in order to smash it. My heart was broken that somebody would do such a thing to an innocent creature just for fun. I didn’t outright cry but I teared up and felt very sad for this senseless act. When I was going in today, the smashed shell and carcass was still there and as I came near where it was, I looked away and thought about something else because I didn’t want it to hurt me again.

      5. MB,

        sorry that sent before I had intended so there is probably loads of spelling mistakes etc ..
        I had also wanted to say that if you need some inspiration re -labelling emotions then google emotions / feelings word list , and loads will come up; they will have lots of options in breaking down the main 8 or so groups of emotions.

        Often the fear of doing something or facing something is greater then the thing itself.
        We can become braver by voluntarily facing our fears- we can overcome them.
        The act of facing your fears does not make them less scary, but it can make you braver to overcome and manage them.

        You can overcome this in a way that is right for you MB, the key is that you need to establish the path that is right for you as an individual and walk it voluntarily.

        Qx

      6. Quasi, I think the word list will help me. Otherwise, they will all be dragons. Cat size, dog size, cow size, house size 🐉

        You are absolutely correct about the fear of a thing being worse than the thing. I dread and dread and then procrastinate and once I do the thing, it wasn’t nearly as bad as I had imagined and built it up to be. I have always been this way even as a young child putting off my chores and my school work. My experience has tried to teach me, but I am stubborn and rebellious and still choose to put off that which I don’t want to deal with. My motto is, I do my best work under pressure at the last minute.

        I have to think all of this is linked together somehow. I just haven’t had the aha moment yet. I want it to happen the way it did when I “met” HG and he solved the narc puzzle for me. I am spoiled and now want the same for the understanding of myself. I’ve been reading some of Brene Browns work on shame and vulnerability and a lot of it resonates.

        When she said guilt is – I’m sorry I made a mistake and shame is – I’m sorry I am the mistake. Gut punch…painful.

        I’ll get there. I’m just going to have to do the work. There’s no way of getting out of it no matter how much I try. Like you said, I’ll know when I’m ready and I will find the right path…eventually. Thank you for your love and support. You’re a special friend to me. I wish I could come over for tea, scones, girl talk, and hugs!

      7. MB,

        You will find your way, the knights of the round table proceeded on their quest for the holy grail, entering the forest at the point which seemed darkest to him. That which you most need, is to be found where you least want to look.
        Courage is the first requirement..

        It may not be a need based in old traumas as this has not been the case for you. It may just be that there are more parts of you in the shadow that want to be found and accepted so you can feel whole. Understanding your emotions will be a great first step- this will involve allowing yourself to feel them though lovely..

        If you like Brene brown you know her idea of being vulnerable- letting ourselves be seen.
        And to live wholeheartedly, which encompasses
        “1- Courage (to be imperfect).
        2- Compassion ( to be kind to yourself first and then others)
        3- Connection ( a result of authenticity, to be willing to let go of who you think you should be, to be able to be who you are).”

        When you decide your path through the forest .. to start just take a deep breath and take one step at a time.

        You would be welcome in my home anytime MB, a cuppa would be awaiting you.. although I might just have a hob nob biscuit for you to dunk rather then a scone..
        high tea is only really done by the upper classes, or the rest of us on a hen doo or a spa day or something lol…
        Take care lovely.
        Qx

      8. Quasi, I missed the knights of the round table post! I just saw it though. I must not have been ready to read it on the 24th. Ha ha. The universe looks out for me! I don’t know what a hob nob biscuit is or a hen doo. But if I can dunk it in a cup as we have an afternoon of girl talk, I’m all in! I need to come and visit the motherland anyway. Thank you for the encouragement. You are genuinely kind. I treasure our virtual friendship.

        Ps the only biscuits I know are made with flour and buttermilk and drowned in milk gravy eaten alongside grits! Yum

      9. MB,

        That made me chuckle..
        The universe was indeed protecting you from a forest full of knights on a quest .. lol..
        Hob nobs are a sweet biscuit predominantly made of oats and probably lots of sugar..
        a hen doo is the UK version of a bridal shower? Or female version of a bachelor party / stag doo…

        Although with mine we did not have afternoon tea or high tea, my bridesmaid organised a life drawing session in the day with a very nice man who was very entertaining- it was very funny and my drawing was awful…

        Unfortunately one of my best and oldest friends from school is an artist and a very good one, she is a lecturer in art now … so next to her I had no chance … lol.

        ( can you tell me what grits is ? I have only heard of them being referred to in song lyrics).

        Qx

      10. Quasi, I love sharing cultural differences! Grits is a hot cereal made of corn. It’s ground up into…well, grits. It’s not gritty though. Known mostly as a breakfast food, they are best when they are cooked the old fashioned way on the stove top. Instant ones will do in a pinch. Some people eat sugar and butter in them 🤮. I admit I did as a child. But now, my favorite way to have them is with butter, cheese, chives, and bacon. I don’t eat them very often at all though, too many carbs!

        Shrimp and grits is a popular dish, but I usually won’t order it in a restaurant because most recipes include andouille sausage which I am not fond of. Many times it’s very spicy too.

      11. Hey MB,

        I watched this earlier and thought to share it with you. It is quite a nice short video re – emotional processing, I thought it used a clever analogy that could make more sense then my ramblings.
        I hope it helps and I hope that you are well lovely.
        Qx

        https://youtu.be/8Ulfq_qf_zA

      12. Thank you Quasi, you’re so sweet to think of me! ❤️The video provided a good visual for me to stop and feel my emotions without the need to analyze.

      13. Thanks MB,
        I was hoping it would be of help. I thought my knights of the round table reply might have been too strong a reference for explaining facing our fears, or approaching something we do not want to look at really.
        Feeling the emotions is the first thing before sending them anywhere to process.. sometimes that is the part that can feel harder, allowing ourselves to feel them in the first place.
        Take care lovely, Qx

      14. MB
        No you are not the only one. I couldn’t count the number of journals I’ve started, only to burn them. I bought one of those “Story of My Life” journals once where you’re supposed to tell all about your history for your children and grandchildren to read later. Spent hours writing only to burn – they should never read about my childhood.

        What I’d suggest is write on loose paper and burn it when your done. I also have my own shorthand where I abbreviate, write in my own version of sloppy and use whichever words I know that are shorter in French and Spanish (also abbreviated). I’d defy anyone I know to figure out what I write! 😄

      15. MB, I feel the same as you about journaling, but learned freedom in being as transparent as I can. But, that’s just me. I’m that way because all my life I’ve been an empath and severely punished for it and always called a liar by people who didn’t want their business known. I was the keeper of the family secrets and hated it. I was even forbidden to spend summer’s with a grandmother in case I spilled a secret or two. To this day I still keep secrets of other’s. All though my own secrets I put out there in hope’s of maybe helping someone feel less alone, etc…maybe that’s not even my job. Especially coming from an empathic/ codependent, always wanting to help, and usually missing the mark all together.
        Not sure ever what to do with myself, or where I fit in.
        And this is a long version of “I understand what it’s like to put yourself out there.”

  5. I can relate. It was like being jerked back and forth at amazing stealth like speed. Like groping my way through an old, abandoned house blindfolded, having no clue as to where I am.
    It’s frustrating and terrifying. Where did the person I met and come to love go? Gone. It’s like opening Pandoras box, never being able to be closed again once we know who we’re enmeshed with. It makes me feel sad.

    1. Hi Tammy, the person you first met never existed, he was an illusion of the golden period. The golden period was the black hole of a maelstrom that you were ultimately thrown into, not knowing which way was up but trying to crawl back into that black hole for refuge. He was never golden, just black and that is the person you met. Most people wouldn’t get involved or fall in love with a malevolent person, you would run for the hills and protect your friends from becoming involved – but you were served a platter of delusions (your Pandora’s box) that tasted so good and couldn’t understand why you became so ill. Stop eating from the platter. It took me ages to develop an inkling of what was wrong, but the light flooded back in on reading HG’s blog, and I saw how I unwittingly colluded in my own downfall. I was angry with me for all the self flagellation and feelings of unworthiness, but relieved at the same time that I could mentally walk away even though the discard was some time ago. I’m angry at the time he took away from me, my energy, my goodness, my peace of mind. GOSO, don’t be like Ruth and look back as you will only turn into a pillar of salt, you need to move forward. You are worth so much more. Xoxo

      1. HappyTimesAhead, thank you for being here with me, as I feel permanently discarded, or at least for now.
        I must admit it bugs me because I want to win. But also know it’s a losing battle.
        I realize I have stolkholm syndrome and need to stop building bridges (only from time to time,) for him to find me.
        I know he never loved me, he just needed someone to make him feel powerful and then later on kick.
        I’m glad for those of us who’ve gotten out alive.
        There are those who don’t.
        He’ll never understand, or know the pain he caused. If I understand correctly, he can’t. He doesn’t have it in him. No empathy at all.
        HG refers to the Empath as an appliance. I picture the guy I was with, sitting on top of a mound of used,old appliances that are on fire and he’s sitting on top laughing.
        Glad you’ve been out of his grips for a while it sounds like. That’s a beautiful thing. It’s amazing when we do things to love ourselves. Meaning it can happen the longer we’re all away from what hurt us all and brought us all to nothing.
        It’s only the last few days I’ve been feeling interested in the idea of doing thing’s again.
        Right now it’s ebb and flow.

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