Is He Alone Now?

is-heYou have been discarded or perhaps you have succeeded and escaped our grip. You cannot help still but wonder what we are doing, especially if we have discarded you. The thoughts run through your mind repeatedly. What is he doing? Is he thinking of me? Where has he been today? Why have I not heard from him? Why did he do that? What did I do wrong? A thousand and one questions which whirl around in your mind. This is always the case when you have been discarded and even when you made your escape the questions still come thick and fast because so much has not been explained or answered. Furthermore, as an empathic individual you cannot help but wonder what we are up to, what we are thinking and how we feel. It is an automatic response for someone like you and is part of the reason why you remain susceptible to a hoover. Sometimes you may be wondering how we are or how we are managing. You may hope that we are miserable and dejected by losing you. You engage in stalking our social media, driving by where we work or live, have friends ask what we are up to and you will try and contact us direct to try and establish what has happened (where there has been a discard). Whether you escaped or whether you were discarded there are several burning questions on your mind and one of those is; is he with someone else now? You do some snooping and detecting and the answer appears to be, yes, he is alone. There is no sign of a new significant other. There is no mention of a new girlfriend or partner and we have not been spotted with anybody else when we have been sighted around town. We appear to be alone. What does this mean?

          If this situation manifests with the Lesser Narcissist, one has to consider the position where there has been escape and where there has been discard. Those factors apply to two scenarios being in play. The first is the Lesser will be engaged in Bouncing. Addressing Bouncing following your escape first of all.

He will have a new primary source but he will not regard her as a girlfriend. She will in all likelihood be an inner or outer circle friend of the Lesser. This is especially likely where you have escaped. With no time available to put in place a replacement who has been cultivated, the Lesser will have erupted and then sought the nearest fuel solace. The easiest way for him to do this, rather than expend energy seducing somebody new and comparatively unknown or even unknown, would be for him to promote this secondary source into a primary. This person will be “comforting” the Lesser after his awful and terrible treatment at your hands. The Lesser however will not make it known that he as a new primary source because he will want to milk sympathy from onlookers and also use this sympathy to enable him to move to another friend who will offer him “comfort”. Very quickly he will move between these two (maybe more) appliances. One weekend the first person will be his primary source but not referred to as a girlfriend or such like. A few days later he will move to a different one. He has no issue with this. He is accountable to nobody. He has no need to announce the relationship since keeping it quiet affords him more opportunities for fuel.

In terms of Bouncing where there has been a discard, this happens where the Lesser is not completely satisfied that the primary source he was cultivating is embedded as he would like. You may well have been discarded because you failed to provide fuel and this failure is dramatic and took place before your replacement has been properly embedded. Accordingly, the Lesser will be hedging his bets by going between two potential primary sources, alternating between them until he decides which is best and which is embedded. Then he will make the announcements, but until that point he gives the appearance of being alone.

          The second scenario concerns Keeping It in the Family. This is often applicable to the Victim Narcissist. If you have escaped the Lesser, he may promote a family member to be primary source rather than promote an inner circle friend to an intimate partner. He turns to his mother or sister, wailing of his misfortune and how terribly he has been treated. He may move back to the childhood home and this is where he gains his fuel, all of the sympathetic mothering fuel. Hence he appears to have no intimate partner because there is not one. Even if there has been a discard, the Lesser may decide to Keep It in the Family by playing on his woes as he continues to cultivate quietly a prospective primary source.

With the Mid-Range when he appears to have no intimate partner and appears to be on his own, it is not the case. He will have a new intimate partner as a primary source but he does not want you to know about her. Not yet. This is applicable when there is both discard and escape. The Mid-Range, being the most passive-aggressive of the schools of narcissist may not have embedded his prospective primary source with the confidence he would prefer (especially if you escaped) and therefore lacking the raw aggression of the Lesser and the swaggering confidence of the Greater, he keeps a low profile until he is confident that there is a successful attachment. He does not want you knowing about this primary source for fear you may interfere and mess up this much needed source of fuel. It is only when he is confident that the attachment has been secured that he will engage in Relationship Bulletins and the like.

Turning to the Greater. Of all the schools of narcissism, the Greater is able to function for longer without a primary source than the Lesser or Mid-Range. This is because he has extensive secondary sources to whom he can turn. Thus his extensive social circle, loyal Lieutenants, devoted family and admirers who are jostling for position to be chosen as the new primary source will provide him with enough fuel to allow him to function. He will not be at the top of his game and would much prefer to have a primary source in place, but if you escaped and you have pushed the narcissist into Chaos Mode, he will be working to secure that primary source behind the scenes but is content to show that he “does not need anybody” in the meanwhile. Although the reality is he will be clamoring to find a new primary source, he does not want you thinking that. He will want you to think he remains aloof, self-sufficient and not making a bee-line for anybody who will have him. He can be choosier than that. He has standards. This is the appearance he wishes to project and to a degree it is true, but he cannot remain choosy for long, the demands of fuel are ever present and those secondary sources will only sustain him for so long.

          The bottom line is that a primary source is always needed by the Lesser and the Mid-Range, more or less immediately following escape or discard, because of the demands of fuel. It is only an appearance as to why the Lesser or Mid-Range seems single (save when he Keeps It in the Family). The Greater needs the primary source soon, but he can last for longer without one and will revel in demonstrating that to you by saying “I don’t need you or anybody in fact, I am my own man.” It is of course an artifice. The Greater needs his primary source just as much, he is just fortunate because of his grandiosity, magnetism and charm he has far more secondary sources to turn to.

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20 thoughts on “Is He Alone Now?”

  1. Pingback: È DA SOLO ORA?
  2. This site has been my saving grace since my discard almost 5 months ago . Whenever I miss him or start mentally spinning my wheels I come here and it snaps me back to reality . The only thing I really struggle with now is the no closure aspect . My mind can’t comprehend how after years of being in each other’s lives he can just forget I exist and disappear without a word . Thank you HG for educating us on what we have been dealing with .

    1. Fightergirl, it certainly is mind-boggling to say the least. To this day I still struggle with the fact that my EX-N essentially deleted our history together.

      1. I had no idea what happened, still dont. last time I saw him he kissed me goodbye and siad I love you babe. That was 5 months ago, he blocked me 2 months ago but he hasbt spoke a word to me in 5 months.How does one totally forget a person after 5 years of daily interaction , love and friendship.I am feverishly reading trying to understand. Someday I will but for now im just sad.

      2. I am sorry you are going trough this. I am as well. So, I can relate to what your are saying although each of our experiences are unique and thus we can never truly understand each others situations so to speak. I am much better than I was months ago but have much further to go in my recovery. You will get there too, just trust in the process, HG, and the good people that inhabit the recovery den. Keep in touch!

  3. HG,
    As I recently divorced, is that the official start to my NC? I had all other parts of NC in place prior.

  4. I don’t think all guys even try to attract women ..these days they seem to wait in line to jack off online with cam girls and these cam girls call or text them back looking for more private sessions money / paid time online . Guys are getting hooked on quick self care . So the dating for narcs who are saving energy is mixed up with porn/ cam girls / no more energy left for real live women …

  5. I was discarded 2 1/2 months ago and have gone no contact for 30 days. Was hoovered (at work via skype) last week.. had to respond due to working together – did so with no feeling – just did my job- he tried to be personal – I ignored and closed skype. I want to thank you for your information – I know now he was always seeing other people and I never mattered. Due to working together I will have to engage him sometimes but never will he get a response from me…. knowledge is power and I am a quick study – what he did hurts like hell but I won’t allow him to do it again…. Thank you HG for all the information you have provided

  6. Lesser Narcy has spent the last year moving around and getting into landlord trouble. Now he’s settled, he issued another Big Invite for me to see him, but this time he really hoped i would take it. He chastised me for not seeing him earlier, told me that was “lazy”. We talked on the phone, a major concession for him as he was placating me. Talking on the phone doesn’t give him “what he wants”, he said, and i was “being difficult” by wanting to confront things. He wanted to know how i felt about him and if there was anyone i had feelings for, yet when i asked him who i was to him, he described me as merely “a leaf on the wind”.

    He said that while he is seeing different women (and admitted gruffly that they see him casually and have other guys too), he gets bored of casual sex—even though he also enjoys superficial encounters—and wanted the “variety” of our complicated relationship as well. Then he chastised me for not wanting to have children. He can’t take care of a family or even maintain a relationship, but he wants to “continue his bloodline” anyway—it’s his “instinct” afterall, as a man, and also he doesn’t like to use condoms. He insisted that if i were to go see him, there would be sex without condoms.

    It made no sense and he seemed lonely, bored, full of self-loathing and had been covering it all up with abusive manipulations and hostility. When i asked him if he was happy, he angrily dismissed the question—saying that he will never be happy because emotions are weak and he likes to stay sharp.

    Poor idiot.

  7. I was discarded/dis-engaged with recently. I was an IPPS candidate along with the the other IPPS candidate who was promoted to IPPS, I made the mistake to call him on bad behavior and was PROMPTLY discarded. No apology, no explanation, just vanished and replaced instantly. after a few weeks and I realized he wasnt coming back around to even dignify me with a response I unfriended and unfollowed him on most social media platforms except one, which he still has not unfollowed me on.

    I dont know if hes still following me in hopes that I look at what hes doing? I dont follow him and dont care enough to check so that wont ever happen. Or, if because he wants to snoop on my photos to see what Im doing? That also doesn’t make sense if he has a new IPPS and hes entrenched in the golden period so why bother with what Im up to. Or, if hes just keeping the door open for a hoover down the road and can continue to gather evidence on me so he can appeal to my intellect once again and have something to talk about with me. My instinct says the latter?

    1. He has probably forgotten to unfollow you as he is focussed on the new IPPS and is not using that channel in anyway. He may however consider you to be a troublemaker and is keeping a channel open to keep tabs on what you are doing on an intermittent basis. He has no desire to re-engage with you (yet) as he has the IPPS (assuming that is what she is) and therefore there will be no active hoovers by him, he has either forgotten (as you were the one who unfollowed, not him) or he is keeping discrete tabs maintaining a watch for you causing trouble.

  8. Pingback: Is He Alone Now? – Narctopia

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