The Narcissist’s Social Media Laws – No. 7

soc med 7

This is not a meme – it is the truth.

77 thoughts on “The Narcissist’s Social Media Laws – No. 7

  1. Insatiable Learner says:

    HG, you wrote that there is no guilt. Then what is it when a narc (mid-ranger) expresses feelings of shame, embarrassment, and guilt/ remorse?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      See the answer given to FOTS.

      1. Getting There says:

        HG, I read what you wrote to FOTS about guilt. In a case when the narcissist uses “I can’t be with you because of my guilt of XYZ” often and yet will come back, what is the goal of this manipulation?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Creating shifting sands to maintain control and extract fuel from you.

          1. Fuel on the Shelf says:

            Hence the constant contradiction. During this time the intimacy and affection is also withdrawn too. I love you becomes “I care about you”.

            HG, you say it is all about fuel. I love you = I love your fuel. Does I care about you mean = I care about your fuel? I just….don’t want it right now?

            I hope that question/comparison makes sense.

      2. Getting There says:

        Thank you so much! That clarifies a lot.
        The shifting sands definitely leads to fuel. While responding it just hit me what the possible control aspect is as I didn’t understand that. Could it be to get a person to stay away after reacting and/or trying to have closure? If I am off, can you please clarify?

  2. Mary says:

    Clarece, Lori, Fuel on the Shelf:

    I just want to chime in and say I understand where you both are coming from. Clarece, you stated is perfectly. It really does seem like FOTS is like an AA member trying to keep alcohol in her life without repercussions. I get it because that was me for a very long time with my online narc. I can understand Clarece’s concern that if there are golden period highs shared on here, it could be trigger to fall back into narc world. Since going no contact, I often miss the illusion. I’ve even wondered if, after some distance and understanding what he is, I could maintain a fun interaction without getting hurt. However, FOTS posting about her narc’s behaviors towards her serve as a reminder to me why it can NEVER happen. I recall the struggle to let that intensity go and how hard it was, and would not want to put myself through that destructive addiction again. So, it works both ways. It could trigger some to give into temptation. Or, it could serve as a reminder for why we can’t… because however bright that seemingly harmless golden period is, so is the severity of the crash that always follows! We are all in different places in our recovery, and all have different levels of support in our daily lives, so that all factors in to how another sister here maintaining the relationship can affect us. I remember that so well, trying to justify keeping the entanglement going, worrying he would not come back from a long silence, thinking of ways to make it happen. I was focused on those things when all I had to do was let go. The narc’s manipulations and my emotional thinking were in charge and letting go did not feel like an option, so finding new ways to hold on was my obsession.

    FOTS: Lori said “I’m never gonna block you” is code for I’m going to block you soon. She’s RIGHT! Remember, it’s always narc opposite day. You have noted that several times. Whatever they say emphatically will not happen is EXACTLY what will happen, and vice versa. You could block him before he blocks you. I know that feeling of something is better than nothing. It’s not true when the “something” isn’t real. Your emotional thinking convinces you it is, but it’s not.

    1. Clarece says:

      Hi Mary,
      Thanks for your comments. We experienced similar parallels with the online interactions, when mine shifted to that after he moved.
      The catch when telling yourself it was just an illusion on their part is that when we are at our low moments, we know it most definitely was not on our part though. All the time invested, all the feelings, everything was 100% real on our side. For many, it was the most intense relationship we had ever experienced. So to truly move on, you have to get to an acceptance phase where you acknowledge you really may well be alone and not experience romantic love again. And be ok with it.
      I agree depending on your mood and where you are in your recovery and who is in your daily support system, hearing about someone continually trying to interact with their Narc can be good reminders for you to never cross that path again. I have my days where hearing about Piano Man reminds me so much of JN and it definitely reinforces staying no contact. Other times, when I’m down or feeling sentimental, it gets very tempting to want to send that feeler out and see if the whole dance starts back up. Especially knowing what I do now, to see if or how he would try to triangulate me with his new girlfriend. Or if he would ignore now and keep me at bay? It fluctuates.
      I know I’m still spending way more time thinking about it than him and that is maddening in itself. lol

      1. windstorm says:

        Clarece
        Sometimes I wonder if it was an advantage that I never did experience romantic love or great sex. You all that did, seem to long so much for it again. HG calls it an infection and an addiction. Surely it’s better to have missed out on that. Even the little taste of my Moron’s bumbling fantasy seemed more insane than real. I should say a prayer of thanks that I grew up thinking all romance was silly make-believe.

        1. Clarece says:

          Hi WS! I actually came back and forth to this comment several times and pondered it for a long time. I do not regret experiencing on my side of things the explosive, avatar-caliber, mind-blowing sex that was nirvana here on Earth. It’s raw, it’s primal and it’s the life force to procreate. I think everyone should experience that at one point in their life. And to those that get to experience that and have the love reciprocated, are truly very lucky.

          1. MB says:

            That’s it Clarece! “The explosive, avatar-caliber, mind-blowing sex that was nirvana here on Earth. It’s raw, it’s primal.”

            I do not care if it’s not love, it’s passion! It’s fantasy. It’s exciting. Wake me up. Make me feel alive. You shall be rewarded with copious amounts of fuel for your efforts, my liege. Just once and I can die a happy girl.

          2. Clarece says:

            Lol MB! Yep, and the person who can make me feel that will have my undying love or fuel… take your pick.

          3. windstorm says:

            Clarece
            I understand. I’ve obviously never experienced that mind-blowing sex (although I did feel my mind was blown in negative ways, lol!) and my only chance of nirvana on earth is thru meditation! I’m probably just trying to make lemonade from the lemons God has given me.

            I am serious though, despite always feeling that I’ve missed out on something wonderful, I do think there was a plus side. Never having been lifted up so high, I never had so far to fall and crash, nor any cravings and addictive longings to fight. I may always wonder about what I never had, but I can’t really miss something I’ve never seen or experienced.

          4. Clarece says:

            You’ve concocted a great lemonade out of those lemons too. That is a huge plus not having the physical connection and cravings to go with it to miss.

  3. Insatiable Learner says:

    FOTS, you wrote, “Because I feel like having something with him is better than having nothing at all. Even IF that something is frustrating.” So you are willing to stay single and alone for the rest of your life (this is what is going to happen because there is no room for anyone else in your mind and heart) instead of finding a partner who will want you and only you? FOTS, as years go by and you are in this limbo, you will come to regret it. You will waste your life. Please wake up!

  4. Insatiable Learner says:

    Clarece, your response to Chihuahuamom is spot on! Thank you for saying out loud what I have been thinking. It is very validating. I feared it was just me.

    1. Clarece says:

      Thank you IL!!

  5. dragoncreeper says:

    HA HA HA HA… who was asking? I blocked him!

    Why oh why do I keep getting notifications to read about what I left behind?

    OH HG… you are brilliant and better at keeping me coming back than my narc-ex… and we’ve never met. You are the greatest! 😛

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Indeed I am.

  6. Fuel on the Shelf says:

    Unfortunately my MRN (used to) play the “I am going to block you” all the fucking time.

    He knew, (and still knows) that it always stirred a great level of anxiety in me.

    One time he ignored me for two weeks (after he threatened to block me). He said if I called him before January 1 he would block me. I called his bluff and called him before then. That was when the two weeks of silence began. When I later called him and was able to leave voicemail he immediately texted me “you’re not blocked okay?”

    They really are like children.

    Lately I’ve now been been getting opposite reassuring proclamations of “I am never going to block you okay?” These proclamations will sometimes be out of left field, out of nowhere and will arrive in the middle of some random discussion when we’re not even talking about such a thing.

    In the words of Nelson Muntz…Ha-haw!!
    What a fitting meme! 🙄

    1. Lori says:

      He’s gonna block you soon. “I’m never gonna block you” that’s code for I’m going to block you soon.

      FOTS he’s gonna do it. You are going to wake up one day and be blocked everywhere and the pain that’s gonna hit you is going to make you feel as though you are dyinj UNLESS you start to get hold of this addiction

      1. Fuel on the Shelf says:

        Lori,
        How can you be sure? He has never blocked me. He has unfriended and then re-friended me though. And it always one platform vs. another so he can still keep tabs. Like for example, unfriending on Instagram but still trolling along on Facebook (most stuff will automatically cross post).

        If I did wake up one day and saw I was blocked on all fronts I think I would honesty breathe a sigh of relief because then he would be the one cutting the cord and not me. He used to say that someday my hand will be forced to “cut the cord”. I pretty much laughed at that and told him it won’t be me he can feel free to do it.

        I am willing to bet he kept that one filed in his mind, hence the sudden resurrection.

        I definitely see your perspective but I truly think he doesn’t want to do it anymore than I do.

      2. Clarece says:

        Hi Lori,
        You give really sound advice regarding Piano Man. I fear our dear FOTS has no desire or inkling to go No Contact, but rather master some kind of way to navigate around his behavior to maintain the minimal relationship she has now with him with the hopes if she “learns” exactly how to meet his needs which change daily, sometimes hourly, it will increase time with him.
        You never hear her say, how do I end this or break free? She always asks for translations and what does this statement or behavior mean. For how long this has been going on and given she lent him money recently (and was extremely lucky to get repaid), I don’t interpret her questions as a quest to get closure and be able to move on but rather find new ways to communicate with him in order to keep this relationship lingering. Even though it’s to her detriment and she doesn’t see it.
        I held on ridiculously long myself communicating with JN but I was so leery about mislabeling someone if it wasn’t correct. Once I was convinced JN kept repeating the same patterns exactly the way HG would predict for close to two years, I was ready to go no contact and move in that direction.
        I would love for FOTS to correct me and tell me I’m wrong, seriously, but I don’t see her even remotely wanting to stop contact with him yet at this point.
        It’s like if this was AA and we have a group of people getting their sobriety in different stages and we all support each other to stay away from alcohol, then we have one person who still continues to drink or go on benders but wants to find the way to live still giving in to this vice but not feeling the pain.
        Many of us have continually reached out to her, to give advice, show support, show how toxic this relationship is for her well-being, I hope it’s appreciated.

        1. NarcAngel says:

          Clarece
          Yes, I have said all this previously (many have) with no result other than to have several posts fired back about my insensitivity. Perhaps it will take coming from you. Theres that hope everyone keeps clinging to.

          1. Clarece says:

            Hi NA! Always nice to hear from you! Piano Man really gnaws at me because I see JN turning out very much like him as he ages. I think Piano Man has about 6-7 years on JN but I see so many similar behaviors and cowardly actions mixed in with the Jekyll and Hyde, hot and cold, fighting dynamic going on and it makes my skin crawl.

          2. Fuel on the Shelf says:

            I remember our chats about JN and “Saint” Piano. Your age difference is accurate I think. Saint Piano just turned 34 so yep….give it a few years. I think you are right. I think that is exactly how JN will be. Right down to the angelic dirty face.

            The baby is due mid-October, but I am told his time is already “consumed” and he does not have “a moment to himself”.

            That (along with the below) was the latest combo of text messages, right after I last saw him and right after the money was repaid to me.

            “I still love you and want you; my feelings have not changed. But you need to understand that the pendulum swings for me, my darling. For awhile I am able to successfully compartmentalize my guilt and shame. And then I can’t. And then I can. And so on. Please do not take it personally. I would feel like this if I was with anyone else”.

            And then it goes into how “you know it will eventually just be platonic”.
            “I care for you” replaces “I love you” and so on.
            He pushes away.

            And yes he uses the word “Darling”. 🙄

            Anyway, to answer your question…right now more so the threshold for putting up with this as this golden wedge bullshit is tiring (especially after the last month of attention).

          3. Clarece says:

            O.M.G. Fots! His line of “Please do not take it personally”. I would hear that from JN. A few times after spending time together and having a really enjoyable time, as we would part ways he would say “do not take it personally if you don’t hear from me because I lose track of time. Sometimes for weeks. Other people get upset with me too”. In those moments, they know they are going to continue the same behavior that frustrates people all around them continuously.
            But Piano Man’s line of “I would feel like this if I was with anyone else.” WTF! Are you F’ng kidding me?
            Is there ever a more blaring example of basically being called out as an Appliance?
            I mean for real…this should go on HG’s Home page as a plug for services.
            “Do you hear this line from your intimate partner? ‘I would feel like this if
            was with anyone else. My time is consumed right now, so I’ll call you
            when I maybe get a moment to myself.’ If this sounds familiar, please hit the Audio Consult Button to your left for HG to analyze.
            I just want to stick an ice pick in his ear… that is all. Ugh!

          4. Fuel on the Shelf says:

            Clarece,
            Yeah….I interpret to mean that no matter who else he is with that he would still feel the inability to compartmentalize his guilt and shame. And then he would and then he wouldn’t. No matter who it is though!!

            Oh and he uses the word compartmentalize WAAAYY too much.

          5. Clarece says:

            Agreed! “Compartmentalize” has really become his overused buzz word.

          6. Fuel on the Shelf says:

            Yup. I can predict the shelving behavior as soon as he starts using his buzz words. Other words/phrases are:

            “I care about you” instead of “I love you”
            “Maybe, Perhaps, We shall see” instead of yes.

            And so on.

          7. Clarece says:

            Well, that’s apparently what he’s doing with his wife too. The same compartmentalizing. When he can’t hide his guilt and shame to his wife and child, that must be when you go on the shelf. When she is irritating him or painted “black” that must be when he can “compartmentalize” it and pick back up with you.
            See how lucky his wife is too? Wowwwww! Lucky, lucky girl.

          8. HG Tudor says:

            There is no guilt.

          9. Fuel on the Shelf says:

            If there is no guilt then why is it continuously mentioned? And the buzz word of compartmentalization. Does he even know what that means? I thought your kind were experts at compartmentalizing stuff (not that you actually TELL us). Makes me wonder if he’s really a mid-range if he has this “awareness” of what he is doing even when he seems to not be able to do it before he does it again.

            Dammit now my head hurts again.

          10. HG Tudor says:

            Referencing guilt is done as part of the manipulation because of your empathic trait of guilt, thus you expect to see it in us and a recognition of it. Where there is a false recognition of guilt this is done to manipulate you into remaining under our control, feel sorry for the narcissist (fuel), want to help the narcissist.

          11. Fuel on the Shelf says:

            And what about the continued comments about the “compartmentalization” though? Buzz word to sound “cool” or “intelligent” or “interesting”? Or is there something more there?

          12. Fuel on the Shelf says:

            Okay I have another qusetion…if there is no guilt…..is there shame only then? And if there is no shame then WHAT is he compartmentalizing?

          13. HG Tudor says:

            See ‘Your Fault’ with regard to the issue of shame.

          14. Fuel on the Shelf says:

            I shall.

          15. Clarece says:

            Not guilt at deceiving FOTS or his wife simultaneously. No. But isn’t that what the whole grand NPD is to begin with? A mental self defense and self preservation mechanism to create a false self that separates from the True Self encapsulated with guilt, shame, insecurities and all the other rotten feelings? Isn’t that what contributes to the grandiosity and reality gap they experience when there’s triggers and they realize they aren’t remotely near how special they think? They’re dripping in guilt and toxic shame like Carrie in pig’s blood at the prom in Stephen King’s book.

          16. HG Tudor says:

            We experience no guilt, that is the point, it is not there, anywhere.

          17. Clarece says:

            Fiiiinnnneeee!
            The shame is there though.

          18. HG Tudor says:

            The comment referred to the issue of guilt.

          19. Clarece says:

            Understood! When I wrote that in my comment, I was thinking that from the unaware Mid-Ranger who is an Angel with a Dirty Face, they could talk a word salad storm up about how they feel guilty about this or that. Namely Piano Man. And they would be completely convinced that they have felt guilt. But I get it, they would not keep repeating the same patterns and actions if they really did. Sorry, I mixed that up.

          20. Fuel on the Shelf says:

            “I was thinking that from the unaware Mid-Ranger who is an Angel with a Dirty Face, they could talk a word salad storm up about how they feel guilty about this or that. Namely Piano Man.”

            Nailed it!

          21. Clarece says:

            Hello FOTS! With regard to a Narc talking up a word salad on feeling guilty, I’m sure HG in his personal life can be exceedingly convincing that he has felt guilty about something he did if it means he gets a desired outcome. And the person on the receiving end will not know any better since they won’t know they’re dealing with a Narcissist.

          22. HG Tudor says:

            Not applicable.

          23. MB says:

            No guilt talk for HG? Is that the preserve of the mid-ranger?

          24. windstorm says:

            HG
            That’s because you’re a greater. I can’t imagine my exhusband ever saying he feels guilty either – unless it is an obvious lie as a joke! That’s a midranger thing to pretend to be guilty.

          25. MB says:

            WS and others, I don’t think there is even a such thing as “cognitive” guilt. No concept of it. (Correct me if I’m wrong HG.) I think it is only ever used for pity, manipulation, or facade management.

          26. windstorm says:

            Clarece
            “and they realize they aren’t remotely near how special they think?”

            Maybe this thought is the problem, Clarece? I don’t think they ever realize this. Maybe that’s why they never feel guilt.

          27. MB says:

            Good morning Clarece, I’ve been doing some shame work myself. There is a massive difference between guilt and shame. Guilt is, “I made a mistake.” Shame is “I am a mistake.” Nothing is the fault of the narcissist. They do not make mistakes. That is why guilt is non existent in them.

          28. Clarece says:

            Yes, that is absolutely right. In my mind, when I answered that, I was thinking specifically about JN and Piano Man for FOTS. I don’t think either have full blown NPD. They have high narcissistic traits. Topped with both thinking they are good Catholics /Christians, mix in they are unaware what they are doing as a manipulation. It’s just their natural defense. So they may actually think they feel real guilt. Maybe?

          29. Fuel on the Shelf says:

            re: the thinking they are good people…one of his over the top quotes that he has said to me comes to mind…

            “I believe the pursuit of righteousness is more fulfilling than one’s ability to physically or existentially attain it.”

          30. Fuel on the Shelf says:

            Clarece,
            Your explanation of the pig’s blood in the Carrie movie makes a lot of sense. The false self and the true self. So my interpretation of your explanation can be not so much the guilt but the reminder of the shame that bridges his “gap” so to say. It would definitely account for predicable patterns of his behavior. He always prattles on and on about “doing the right thing” but we know how contradictory it is and it is all mixed up in the back and forth behavior. The “ghosting” period is the worst part of it, second to the odd “stranger” behavior that precedes it.

          31. windstorm says:

            Clarece
            I’ve got to agree with you on this one.
            “I would feel like this if I was with anyone else.” shocked me, too. I thought perhaps I’d misunderstood it. I wouldn’t put up with that comment even from a friend. To me that’s laying it out that you are nothing to that person – not even special enough to be a friend. Maybe all my narcs actually feel that way, but they’ve none of them ever been so callous and hurtful to say it to me. Because that’s the only reason anyone would say that to another – to shame them, to make them feel like dirt. Youre not even more important than the cashier at Walmart they don’t even know.

          32. Clarece says:

            WS just nailed it with that remark from Piano Man being like the cashier in Walmart you don’t know. Boom!
            Let me just pick up my shattered self confidence shot all over from here to California up off of the ground. Excuse me, it may take a while.

          33. NarcAngel says:

            Clarece
            Yes, she has noted the similarities in your experiences and we know the outcome. I am hoping that this, paired with her respect for you, will allow her to consider a different course.

            Gabby
            I dont want to hurt you. I just truly want you to want more for yourself. To see that he is not better than nothing. Nothing (if thats what you choose, because as someone else pointed out: no one can get in if he is in the way) leaves you at least with yourself at peace and the focus of your children. He comes with constant turmoil and the promise of a very bleak future of nothingness for you. Please choose you and your children. They are getting older every day and watching this helpless.

        2. Fuel on the Shelf says:

          I’ve pretty much got him predicted like the sun rising and setting with his patterns. Currently I’ve been in that oddball territory where he’s not loving but not outright horrible either. Just….indifferent. This was after a month long time of loving attention which ended once he repaid me the money ironically.

          I knew it was coming when last week he was all “I CARE about you” …. (suddenly striking “I love you” from the record again). I told him “Oh here you go again with that shit. I care about you too; but I also love you. Go ahead and put up your wall again”…. He said nothing in response. He always gets like this when I become too close. They do after all hate closeness.

          I’ve backed off and left him alone.

          1. Clarece says:

            Hi FOTS! Are you leaving him alone because you’ve hit the threshold for putting up with this or because you hope by leaving him alone, you are going to hear from him soon? I was doing that too, for a long time, trying to alter how I responded to JN with the motive being that HE would resurface in his usual 6-8 week pattern rather than deter it. His time is just going to get more consumed when the new baby first arrives, naturally, because he’ll have to be helping at home more. You have to keep telling yourself, his obligations lie elsewhere. It doesn’t even matter how you translate his remarks or behavior anymore. It’s not going to progress with him for you and your children. I don’t want to even see for yourself that you would settle being someone on the side for him and being okay that he’s married with his own family and just fits you in every couple of months. It isn’t anything sustainable and you deserve better and to be free of that nonsense.

      3. Chihuahuamum says:

        Hi gabs….only you and you alone can fully cut that cord i know bc im still struggling like you. I think itll take something major to make that shift or for him to vanish. Knowing what weve learned about narcissists they never do permanently vanish so its important to cut that cord ourselves when we are ready and go no contact. Key words when youre ready. No one can do it for you. The knowledge and support never go wasted bc its stored for later use when we do reach that point and sever contact. One day you will decide enoughs enough and you will walk away. Just know in the process time wont stand still.

        Lori and clarece…it definitely is an addiction and codependancy(ppl hate this word). If it wasnt itd be way easier to break free.
        I like the anology of an alcoholoic at AA meetings but still actively drinking so true. Its easy to get frusterated when youre on the other side bc you can see so clearly and want to help. You want to make that person see but its a personal journey and only they can take those steps. Whats sad is to see people become upset and turn their backs or feel their advice was a waste of time. Please know it is never a waste of time to support or give useful advice to those in need. It may not be taken but it was recieved and may be used one day. Just like the knowledge we acquire is held onto and can help us one day. Were all at different stages and some are stuck longer in their stage of breaking free.

        1. Clarece says:

          Thanks for the kind words Chihuahuamom!
          I completely understand about no one changing their situation unless they really want to.
          Hopefully well intentioned advice resonates.
          What can be problematic, if I refer back to the AA meeting and supporters, is having one person insisting there has to be a way to find a happy balance to keep drinking and living life pain free without the chaos it brings. All the other members who are struggling daily with sobriety (or NC) and think about having to avoid alcohol (Narc), have their temptation increased to cave if/when they hit a low point. Meaning maybe member who’s still drinking has a fantastic weekend celebrating some occasion with friends and no ramifications seem to occur that time (like a mini golden period). Guess what, I hit a low, dark period and I decide I’m going to break NC and contact JN just to see if he responds. Just to see if I can snag his attention from his girlfriend for a bit. Just to see if I can get a hit of a mini golden period high. I think I can handle it for being NC for a long time and see my friend here at AA juggling both just fine. Sure there’s issues but she’s keeping alcohol (Narc) in her life so there’s my new rationalization for breaking NC. Not saying it’s right. But even HG says we’re all addicts, him included. So in my humble opinion, there comes a point you have to shit or get off the pot. You can’t have your AA and your alcohol simultaneously open ended. Choose one.

      4. shesaw says:

        FOTS,

        “If I did wake up one day and saw I was blocked on all fronts I think I would honesty breathe a sigh of relief because then he would be the one cutting the cord and not me.”

        Why don’t you want to be the one cutting the cord?

        1. Fuel on the Shelf says:

          Because I feel like having something with him is better than having nothing at all. Even IF that something is frustrating.

          1. HG Tudor says:

            An honest answer, albeit misguided.

      5. shesaw says:

        Hi FOTS, thanks for your honesty. I asked you because I couldn’t remember if you ever wrote that you wanted to get out.

        It must be an exhausting ride for you with this man. I can’t get this image out of my head of him, sitting on his couch, having his wife around, feeling well fueled/all powerful because of your frustration and no worries because he knows you will stay – and you, sitting on your couch, alone, feeling emotionally drained by his cowardness, asking yourself if and when he will come back to you and why the hell did he have to leave you alone again?

        Do you feel that you have a choice (as an autonomos adult)?

        1. Fuel on the Shelf says:

          Shesaw,
          The pain of nothing, to me anyway, is more vast that the pain of something.

          1. Clarece says:

            FOTS, the pain of nothing was a huge deterrent for me too. Then I decided I needed to confront that head-on and actually experience the “nothing” over the back and forth games with JN. Not saying “nothing” is any great shakes but the peacefulness and having my sanity restored makes me not want to go back to the “something” with JN’s games where I mean “nothing” to him. It’s now more important for me to not be “nothing” to someone.

          2. NarcAngel says:

            So it would seem that something= fantasy? Because the pain of nothing is THEM. They are literally the nothing. There is nothing there that is real.

          3. Clarece says:

            I really struggle with that NA. I absolutely know how you meant this. I just can’t accept it simply broken down as just “something=fantasy”. How is it that I’ve cultivated many authentic relationships with girlfriends, co-workers, current boss’ family, ex-inlaws from my marriage etc., where I put 100% of me in the relationship with JN that I did /do with everyone else? It’s like I’m at fault then for being a target. Others, including my therapist for the first 3 years kept also thinking JN’s “something” was valid and that the reason he kept resurfacing was because he did feel a connection and cared. Unlike the black and white narc way of thinking, there is a lot of gray matter. Something = fantasy just can’t sum it up.

      6. Chihuahuamum says:

        Hi clarece… i agree one would think there has to come a time where you have to finally make that decision to shit or get off the pot but its an individual decision and like a narcissist changing no person can make that happen except for themselves.
        As for temptation thats where if you find your mode of thinking slipping back its so important to readdress those beliefs and what lead you to no contact. Anything someone else posts about coinciding ok with their narc take with a grain of salt bc they are not showing the painful side at that point. I could list many so called happy moments but in the long term its still not a good outcome. Youve come leaps and bounds bc you were ready and you made that decision for yourself which was the right choice and healthiest!

      7. shesaw says:

        FOTS, in that case I am happy for you that you have something

      8. shesaw says:

        Hi FOTS, that maybe looked like a blunt answer and to be honest – I was irritated when I wrote that. My irritation was coming from my narc, who was hoovering but so cowardly that it made me feel guilty (almost ashamed) that I did fall for his bullshit back then in the first place.
        Damn. Those fake profiles and this spying on other social media platforms. I shouted “come and talk to me openly or do nothing at all!” while there were people around. Lol.
        Back to you. I agree with Chiuauamum that this is an individual decision and only you know what you really want, or are able to handle, in your heart of hearts.
        I went on for too long with my narc. I now wish that someone had tied my hands back then, to prevent me from spending my precious time on going back to him. But no one did and that’s how it should be. I wouldn’t have accepted it anyway. We must fight our own battles at our own time. Wishing you all the best and if you need a hug when you are sad then please come and have a virtual one!😘

  7. Mandy K says:

    When Narc ex and I would argue (or more appropriately, when he would turn cold for no reason and I was begging for answers), he used to turn off his iMessages. I knew he was still receiving my messages as texts, but he liked to pretend as if he blocked me for dramatic effect.

  8. wounded says:

    It is shockingly easy to play the block/unblock game. I unblocked the narc a few months ago out of curiosity to see if if he had blocked my new profile and he hadn’t. I realized this was a foolish game and have kept the block on since. Why tempt fate.

    I read on here somewhere that they will keep you unblocked to toy with you. He can be the cat all he wants but I will not be the mouse.

    1. Fuel on the Shelf says:

      Wounded,
      I replied to Lori’s other comment but I agree with this:

      “I read on here somewhere that they will keep you unblocked to toy with you.”

      Yes, this! He has never blocked me. He has however (like a dumbass) unfollowed me on one platform (like Instagram) but not the other (like FB). It still allows him to troll as most stuff is cross-posted.

      They really are like children!

  9. E&L says:

    “Second, if you want to know how Mom is doing, I will make a point to e­mail you the pertinent information. However, you can call if you want to know what is going on. Most often, when I call your house, you do not answer. I will answer the phone, or will call back if I am occupied. I get bad cell reception at our house, so calling the house phone first, is the best option.” Paragraph from an email the narcissist sent. bad cell reception? Since when? Since it became convenient!

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