Outnumbered But Not Outgunned

Want to fight back?

Bolster your arsenal by learning about what the narcissist thinks and fears.

An array of insights which will help you outgun the narcissist.

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15 thoughts on “Outnumbered But Not Outgunned

  1. Insatiable Learner says:

    HG, SuperXena wrote, “I mean they destroy all ( romantic) relationships in time….it always happens.” What about romantic secondary relationships? You wrote that golden periods for these may last for years and they may never be devalued. So is it really accurate to say “all romantic relationships”? Are all of them, including secondary, eventually destroyed?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Yes. I stated there may never be disengagement, not devaluation.

      1. Insatiable Learner says:

        Thank you, HG. Here is what I am referring to, “In respect of secondary sources, devaluation does occur but IF (emphasis added) and when it does, it is for a reason which is directly linked to the behaviour of the secondary source.” (HG. Tudor, Faces of Devaluation). It follows that devaluation with secondary sources is not inevitable.

  2. JustEmpath says:

    HG,

    I would like to know what is worse scenario for the narcissist and his future relationahips:
    1. if his ex intimate partners block him so he can’t contact them
    2. leaving the communication lines open so he can at least try to hoover when he is in need of fuel.

    I mean, I know what is best for the victim – total no contact. And I know that no contact is also bad for the narcissist – he is out of control and he needs to find new sources of fuel.

    BUT on the other hand – isn’t the fact that he can hoover the ex a distraction that can destroy his new relationships more easily? Because he is tempt to hoover the ex and his new girlfriends sooner or later will see and feel he gives the attention to someone else?

    OR MAYBE the fact his ex partners are blocking him is also the distraction because he may start to obsess over breaking the no contact and engage in stalking, looking for some clues how to provoke the ex to open up again?

    I’m talking about the mid range narcissists. What do you think? What is more demaging for his well being, more distracting and sabotaging his “happiness” with new partners?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You have two elements in your scenario – what is worse for the narcissist and what is worse for his future relationships.

      Total no contact starves of fuel and wounds.

      Yes, if you keep some conduits open the likelihood of hoovers is higher, however, the narcissist will hoover other appliances anyway if there is total no contact once the HEC are not met.

      You are best served with total no contact – the Mid Range Narcissist will destroy the relationship in time, it always happens. Do not concern yourself with it.

      1. SuperXena says:

        “the Mid Range Narcissist will destroy the relationship in time, it always happen”
        I believe this applies to all schools of Narcissists not just the MidRange Narcissist? I mean they destroy all ( romantic) relationships in time….it always happens.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Yes, I specified Mid Range as the commenter asked with regard to MR, but the principle applies across all schools.

          1. SuperXena says:

            Interesting.So you are admitting that is the Narcissist’s fault . It is actually the Narcissist that destroys the relationships….

          2. HG Tudor says:

            It is, but only because the victim caused the problem (from our perspective) to begin with.

          3. SuperXena says:

            Yes, I understand. It is a matter of perspectives. Even though the ones that are aware ( not many) of how they function? Do they still think it is so blinded by their perspective or is it more an excuse they do not want to admit?

      2. Ema says:

        I read almost all of your posts on the blog, but there is still something I don’t really get. If the victim has escaped and the N (Mid Range) has started the Pity Party how he has been kicked out, etc… and when the victim finds out about his lies and cheating and at the end for example tells him he was not worthy of her time, and that she only feels pity for him, stuff like that.. Why would he hoover post escape, humiliating himself even more by saying how much he misses her and still loves her.
        You will say fuel, however isn’t it for an ego-maniac who feels superior, that extremely humiliating, after he had been wounded badly? Or you don’t see it that way?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          No because he does whatever is necessary in the moment to secure his aims and the narcissism does not allow him to ‘see’ that this behaviour is a volte face or incongruous or humiliating with regard to what has gone before.

      3. JustEmpath says:

        Thank you, of course you are right. Every time this MR meets someone new, he finds 2 or 3 “wing girls” he seduces at the same time (or tries to seduce maybe just to triangulate them with main source). He sabotages his relationships from the very beginning, thats why it lasts a month or two. So it’s better to stay NC and watch from afar how it fails.

  3. foolme1time says:

    Love this book! If you want to understand what the narcissist is thinking and what he fears, this is a must read!! Learn how to fight back!

  4. Sam says:

    Hello H. G.

    I have been preparing for this moment as I caught the cheater at the end of 2017 when a gf from the Caribbean spilled the beans and contacted me on soical media. (He’s been vacationing there anually for 8 years, after his divorce for a 3 month stint, and I visit the last month.)

    I wanted a break-up however, he made promises of course he’d change etc..and told me he wanted to put a ring on my finger, (I said no)… he took me on our yearly trip to the Caribbean for an extended period of time which involved X-mas and New Year’s…( however, this was his first year he experienced no “alone time”).

    Most basically since this went down, it hasn’t been the same in the bedroom. He’s been losing his mask for appx 2 yrs. and more frequently has sporadic rages which can be set off by his crying grandchildren, traffic, politics, or anything else I guess he can’t control.

    I alluded to the fact in April this yr. I wanted a break up, and I let him know I have his # and understand he can’t be faithful..I have been reading up and getting educated on your kind. He insisted that we work it out but deep in my heart I knew it wasn’t going to last between us…

    Last weekend in my stealth detective work, I was looking over his drunk @ss shoulder as he was texting another woman a “rose” along with a text message. I confronted him, of course he lied, and I left.

    I am well equipped with the silent treatment tactic he dished when I found out about Ms. Caribbean… I now know what I’m dealing with, so I am discarding him first, as I am also going NO contact! I am curious as to your opinion, we had been together 7 yrs. both owning our own home, and I would spend almost every weekend at his house overnight.

    I think he’s had this current very part-time toy 2ndary source for 4 months or so. How do you think this break-up will affect him. He’s over 60 yrs old now, and physically starting to slow down.. He works like a machine doing non stop construction for 8 months a year in his own business, and takes 4 months off.. He is definitely showing his age..Will my leaving cause fury as additionally setting him off as I implement “NO Contact?”

    Thank you H. G. for any insight.

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