Poll : How Did the Formal Relationship With the Narcissist End?

POLLHG WANTSTO KNOW

How did the formal relationship with the narcissist end? Whether it was a romantic, social, work, business or familial entanglement what brought about its conclusion? Did you tell the narcissist friend you no longer wanted to be friends? Perhaps the narcissist said nothing to you at all and you learned he or she was parading a new partner around town? Maybe that narcissist relative stopped communicating with you and never replied to your calls or messages? Perhaps you imposed a total no contact on that narcissist colleague and moved jobs? Whatever it might have been and no matter how many times it occurred, select the relevant circumstances from the list below and as ever do expand on the circumstances and your thoughts in the comments section.

Thank you for participating.

How did your formal relationship with the narcissist end?

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413 thoughts on “Poll : How Did the Formal Relationship With the Narcissist End?

  1. Wissh says:

    This one is closest because I sent a god-awful long email though we still had a few phone conversations after it. And then one day he just stopped calling everyday. It was then that I went NC.

  2. Bettina Katsaros says:

    It feels like a lifetime since my escape over ten years ago. I still get flashbacks

    1. IdaNoe says:

      Yeah, that dream where everything is going along fine, then the narc appears and somehow you’re under his control again. The dread, anxiety and the realization that you’re going to have to “escape ” all over again. Yeah, that one sucks.

  3. IdaNoe says:

    NarcAngel- thank you

    Kelleygurl116
    I think that’s an awesome idea. I send myself text and email, but only of ideas, paint colors etc. I love your idea!

    Ema
    Sorry for the delayed response! I’m so glad to help. It makes my week! I think its normal for an empath to emphasize, even with someone who hurt you. But they are still responsible for their behavior. Now I know most of my mothers backstory.  Parts are very sad and there was abuse to as a child. However,  that is not an excuse for passing it on. My mother was a strong woman, she had muscles like a man, fought like a man, was well educated and a pioneer in her field. Through her field, she had access to doctors and knowledge about medical and mental health few could access or afford. Instead she chose to pass the abuse on. Her ego got in her way. Her image was more important than … well, me. So now I have to unravel all her/fathers crap and try to fix something I didn’t start. She had many many opportunities to get help. Even after I began to realize (6 yrs ago) what she might be, I begged her to see someone.  It wasn’t until I found HG, less than a year ago, than I truly understood it would never happen.  She will die this was, as my father did. I can die with her or choose to live.

    I choose life. She is death.  I can’t fix her, I cant even make it better. I’ve tried. She was so focused on getting negative fuel from me, that she didn’t address her health when it could be fixed. Now the die is cast.

    You can’t save them. They don’t want to be saved. This works for them. It’s not your responsibility anyway. But you can save yourself.  And that IS your responsibility. You may always feel some cognitive dissonance about your narcs. I do, except one. I just hate him! But understanding that they can’t change will help you walk away. You’re not responsible for him, no matter what he told you. He is responsible for himself.  It’s that way with everyone except you’re babies. And then when they’re adults,  you have to let them go too.

    It won’t matter how much you give, it won’t be enough. Because healing can only come from inside, not outside. That’s a myth. You can gather information and help yourself along, but in the end, when all is quite and you are alone, it you and only you that can decide to live or die with them.

  4. Ema says:

    Dear all,
    I have a question to all of you.
    How do you evaluate your feelings with regard to the intensity of love and attachment you have felt before and after you met the N ? Have you loved a “normal” person before or after N ?
    Lately I have been analyzing my past non-N relationships and I realized that I’ve had it all – I’ve been with wonderful men, who deeply loved me and who possessed all the qualities I admire and look for in a man, but something was missing, And eventually I didn’t want to be with these people anymore.
    Only with the N, I felt that out-of-this-world feeling , despite the abuse and all the BS, I just wanted to die in his arms and end myself.
    Sam Vaknin talks about Inverted narcissists (narc codependents), who are only attracted to Ns.
    I’ve been thinking, maybe I’m an inverted narcissist and it scares the …. out of me to the point of just wanting to surrender and get the hit and the emotional whirlwind again , because apparently so far I haven’t felt like this with anyone else and I have a bad feeling that most probably I will not do so in the future, even if I meet a decent men.
    Everyone says ” you deserve better, you deserve to be truly loved and taken care of” , but after all these years, I start questioning myself – if the “better” comes, will I be happy, will I truly love ? Maybe not.. Maybe I’m doomed to be with a N,.I’ve had “better” and I didn’t want it, there was no “click”… People and therapists also say that with the Ns , it is not love, but trauma bond, addiction, obsession… but for us it feels like love, isn’t it ?
    I just want to feel something, not this void inside myself. No one interests me anymore, no one makes my heart beat faster…
    Even after my N did to me, I still love this bastard and maybe, just maybe… I will love him as long as I’m alive.
    It is just so heartbreaking , the thought that you could never love someone “normal”…

    1. MB says:

      Ema, I agree. The Narcs do bring the excitement. When the drug of his attention is removed, life seems to lose its luster. This too shall pass. Have you read HGs book, ‘Exorcism’? I think it would be helpful with some of the feelings you are experiencing. All my best!
      MB

      1. Ema says:

        Thank you , MB! I haven’t read any of HGs books, I wanted to order something, but I was not sure which one would be most beneficial to read first.
        I will go for that one.
        Thank you once again and all the best to you, too!
        Ema

    2. Quasi says:

      Ema,

      The narcissist does not know or feel “love” in the way you do.
      You know love and very likely felt love for him, just because he could not return it does not mean that you didn’t feel it for him.
      It is a one way connection. You feel for him, he can not feel for you.
      He is not built to feel in the way you do.

      There could be many labels for him, you and the situation.

      But the Core at its most simplistic is-

      It was a created illusion, with tests, manipulation, gaslighting, intermittent reinforcement and false hope/ future faking to cause you to give him what he felt he needed.

      The narcissist thrives on the excitement he brings you, the way he builds you up to a great height, and evokes so many emotions in you. He makes you feel special, and wanted to get you hooked! Like a drug, He then uses intermittent reinforcement to cause you to want his validation more and more, to want his attention and to want him.. the excitement and the rush of emotions and many chemicals and hormones at play during the dance with the narcissist, make sure you feel at a super sensitive level, so anyone “normal” pales in comparison- they are boring because you have been conditioned by a narcissist to want the excitement, the rush of positive emotion, the chemicals naturally produced are addictive- and then that addiction is linked to the narcissist.
      But it is not real.

      A close friend of mine confided in me a few months ago that she was unsure of going on a date with a “good guy” , as she was not having the rush or feeling excited by him. I helped her identify previously that her last two relationships were with narcissists, she is a contagion empath in my belief.
      This is the same advise I gave her, And directed her to the blog to Learn. She advises that she has read loads but only reads, finding the information very helpful. She is very shy and would not comment but reports that she laughs her arse off at some of mine ! Not sure how to take that😂

      She accepted the date and has worked through the initial feeling of no excitement in the knowledge that this Man could love her back- She is the happiest I have ever seen her, she is in love and her love is retuned…

      The articles I found most helpful to drive the reality home were-
      Attachment is the seat of misery ( re- narcissist perspective of attachment) and stolen love ( re – use of the concept of love)

      You will get there, and hopefully see there is nothing wrong with your love or ability to love, it was only ever about his inability to..

      1. Ema says:

        Dear Quasi,
        thank you for your response!
        I would say – yes, I know, I’m aware of this, however the struggle is real and just like a heroin addict, I need more, because nothing else excites me. I’ve been thinking : I meet someone “normal” who is fascinating, who loves me, takes care of me , who shares my passions and my values and everything is nice and calm, I would most probably be bored to death at a certain point. It has happened before. The man I was in a relationship with (for 2 years) before the N, was my soulmate, we shared the same passion in life, we liked the same music, movies, he treated me like a princess, he was faithful and didn’t even look at other women. I broke it off. I have some stupid excuses, like having found some flaws in him, which were absolutely nothing compared to the sick N. The truth is – he was 100 % devoted to me, even worshiped me in a way, and it started to be very annoying. I lost all interest and passion. Only now, years later, after being with the N, I can be honest with myself – I just didn’t want the good guy, the one who had everything I’ve ever wanted.
        Maybe if our core is so damaged , we will just continue seeking the abuse and the rush and the unknown for the rest of our lives.
        I hope not, but right now I’m feeling desperate and empty 🙁

        1. Quasi says:

          Ema, your response was powerful and I understand what you mean.
          Your honesty with yourself and how you feel is commendable, and I have a lot of respect for this.

          I relate to what you have said, I too feel that part of me will always seek a narcissist in some way, now that one has left a mark on me. But I also hope that this is not the case. My response to your original post was my rational mind, and understanding of the dynamics a narcissistic relationship brings.

          Now I speak to you with my emotional understanding to say I hear you. And I hope the empty feeling starts to fill, not with a narcissists fake substance, but with love and value for yourself from yourself.

    3. SMH says:

      Ema,

      This really resonated with me. I have always been somewhat of a thrill seeker and risk taker. Really since I was 12 and my mother told me I could not go out to meet a boy but I did anyway! I got into drugs by the age of 14 and almost died at 17. I left the country on my own for a year and then chose a profession that suited my needs for constant stimulation. In fact many men have tried to cut me off from my career! Some people do extreme sports, some do drugs, some race cars, some get involved with narcs, some do art and some do a combination of those things. A lot of it comes from the same place in us.

      For me it is an intellectual issue too. Even if someone is nice, fun, engaging and there is a physical attraction, if that intellectual spark is not there, it won’t last for me.

      The attraction to Ns might be about a couple of things – addicted to adrenaline, attracted to clever minds, etc. Also, I read somewhere that because Ns keep us in a constant state of anxiety, the sex is explosive. Makes sense to me. Nerve endings all alive. But to me it is not worth it. I was willing to be ‘casual’ with mine (IPSS) and he still did a number on me and kept me from other things that are meaningful to me.

      I do not have a long history with narcs but I do have a long history becoming bored in relationships. I’ve just decided to not have any super serious ones with anyone who is not on my exact wavelength, which means not being a narc but being sharp and fun. I might be way older than you, though, and already have what I want out of life.

      You might well love him as long as you are alive. There are a few men I will love as long as I am alive (and a few of them are dead). But that’s okay. You can keep that feeling and still move on to find some of what will satisfy that need for excitement.

      Hope this helps a bit!!

      1. Ema says:

        Dear SMH,
        I totally agree.
        It would be easier if the narcissists are not so damn clever! Or sometimes they just think they are.
        I observed mine arguing on topics he has no clue about (and I did have), but he sounded sooo persuasive that I started doubting my own knowledge.
        I’m a bit ashamed to say this, but many times while I was looking at him and I rationally knew that total bulshit was coming out of his mouth,I was thinking “He is a God”. And he really thought of himself as one, lol 🙂
        Funny thing is that when people ask me what I loved about him, I can’t answer. I can name a few qualities that I liked, but him as a person, as values (if he had any real ones), understandings, social behavior , interests… No… Nothing. I guess if he was not a narcissist, I would never ever fall for him.
        Paradox.

        1. SMH says:

          Ema, You loved the paradox! It was a challenge! It was for me too.

          On your other post you asked why people are here after so many years and observed that it is not NC. I asked the same thing earlier and HG answered me quite thoughtfully. If you search on my name or on his, you should find that exchange.

    4. IdaNoe says:

      Ema, is there narcissistic abuse in your childhood? The reason I ask is because if there is, that’s all you know ( like me). That maybe the reason you find normals boring. Another thought is that they quicken you. Bleeding to know you’re alive type of thing. I believe this is the infection/addiction HG speaks of. I think normal is supposed to be a bit boring. It’s not supposed to be full of emotional swings and your life is not supposed to be lived in a panic. I don’t have a solution. This is all I’ve figured out so far. I think it’s sort of like a combat vet that comes home and has trouble adapting. We’ve been in battle for so long, we’ve forgotten or never knew how life was supposed to be.

      1. windstorm says:

        Good description, IdaNoe. When we we’re raised by narcs, we grow up considering narc behavior as normal. Even when we notice and rebel at the abuse, subconsciously we expect the other behaviors in “normal” people.

      2. Ema says:

        IdaNoe,
        my mother was emotionally abusive, but I don’t think she’s a narcissist, maybe more on the borderline spectrum. Drama queen, hysterical, with chronic depression and horrible outbursts. She left me when I was 3 years old to run away from my father who cheated on her. She went abroad for 1 year and after she returned, apparently I had experienced trauma and developed separation anxiety (following her around the house; moreover my father also told me that during this year I was constantly sleep-crying for mommy…)
        The only thing I remember from my childhood and teenage years was this constant drama at home, my father cheating, my mother getting hysterical, threatening suicide, shouting, crying. She used to call me names whenever I did something she doesn’t like – stuff like “You’re a piece of shit, no one will ever love you”, “I will abandon you and adopt a child who will be better than you”…
        It took me many many years to forgive her and to this day, she doesn’t realize how terrible she was and how she fucked up my childhood.
        So..yes, I guess I have abandonment fear because of her. And with the N, I did everything he wanted, in order to avoid being abandoned. I forgave things I never thought I could forgive – for example when he beat my dog because of barking ( I am an animal lover and literally hate people who abuse animals ). All my friends were shocked when they heard how this man treated not only me, but my dog as well and that I didn’t do anything about it. I was an absolute doormat, but I couldn’t see myself like I do now.

        The only good thing is maybe that I left the N first, after I found out about his cheating, lies, etc.. I never thought I will have the strength to do that. He used to threaten me many times that he will leave, because of minor things I said or did and I never noticed this form of manipulation and how sick the whole relationship was. My abandonment anxiety was up to the roof with him. Mommy issues, right. I had to be the good girl, I couldn’t speak up for myself and my values, I had to completely comply with him to make him happy, but that only lasted a couple of weeks and then all of a sudden – the horrible treatment again. And it was always my fault.

        Ok, but still… we learn and realize many valuable things during and after the experience, but we are still addicted.
        I read many of your comments and stories and I noticed people who are here for years. I myself started to get kind of addicted to this blog only after 2 months , even if I’m not writing much, I read and read…. Do we substitute our narcs by being here ? Is it like a form of a sick connection with them – waiting for HG to respond? Don’t you get a similar rush as if you’re waiting for your ex to respond ?
        Some people write that they don’t care anymore about their Ns, but they are still here after years, writing and discussing, maybe they are not being completely honest with themselves? Please, excuse me, if I’m speculating, it is just that I still don’t get the whole picture.

        I think I got many answers that I needed, HG has helped me a lot with a couple of responses to my questions. But I am still here and getting obsessed with reading and I’m afraid that by doing so, my subconscious is substituting my ex, keeping him present in the real life without him now.

        No contact is the key phrase here, but being here after months and years, it’s not a total No contact, is it ?

        1. windstorm says:

          Ema
          Everyone needs a hobby.

          I’m only half joking. I enjoy it here on the blog and feel that I have many friends here. I am not addicted to any narc or to narcissism. Those years are long behind me. If I’m addicted to anything, it’s learning. My hobbies always involve studying a subject. For the last two and a half plus years, I have been studying narcissism.

          I guess I also feel like this blog is a type of NarcAnon group for the families/significant others of narcissists. My MIL was big in AlAnon long after my FIL became sober. I asked her once if she still felt she needed to go to AlAnon meetings after so long. She told me that no, she didn’t need to go for herself, but she did need to go for others. She said other women who had been thru a family members alcoholism had really helped her when she was confused and struggling with their stories and their wisdom. Now it was her time to be there for others who were trying to find their way. I guess I feel sort of like that. I’ve come out the other side and maybe something I can say might help someone else. Eventually when I feel I’ve served my time, then I’ll move on.

        2. IdaNoe says:

          Ema,
          I’m no expert on anything but I know what has helped me. First, living like you did as a child has rewired your brain. Its literally brain damage. No worries, many people here have the same damage. You were ” taught” to be in a constant state of upheaval. You were taught that was normal. It is not normal! Its child abuse. You were abused. You were always adrenalized. That is not how life is supposed to be. My Matrinarc kept me that way for 50 years. If there wasn’t a “fire” to chase and put out, then I made one. You do the same thing, because it’s your normal. Your subconscious thinks this is how its supposed to live. You will end up like me, totally burnt out and severely depressed. Please look into addressing this.
          Second, the abandonment issue. So what! So what if the whole world abandons you. You’ve survived worse! It’s better to be alone and no one fucking with your head, than a whole pack of narcs constantly chomping at your ass. You can’t make them love you, you can’t make them validate you, but you can do that for yourself. Realize that it hurts more to be with them than without them. Being alone is not always a bad thing. You can think without someone boggling your mind. You can concentrate on you and getting you better and stronger. The right kind of man will be drawn to you because you are strong, not to use those strengths but to add to them and make you even stronger together. I am intense, hubby is laid back. We are so very opposite, yet generally come to the same conclusion. It’s hard work to communicate, but we accomplish a lot together. No it’s not always intense, like narc relationships, but it’s not supposed to be. No one can heal being constantly on shakey ground.
          Thirdly, no contact. Addiction is a funny thing. Its forever. You’re never over it. You’re never well. It’s like any other disease, you have to manage it, consciously. You are an addict, as we all are. There are programs for the addicted, if you think it will help. The concept is the same. Devotion to keeping clean, occupy the mind and body with something constructive instead of the destructive addiction. HG is very clear on No Contact and Get Out, Stay Out. He guiding us in the right direction. The only safe direction period. So if people here use HG and his writings to keep the demons at bay, I dont see a down side. They gain knowledge and understanding. And I would imagine most will ween themselves off the HG high eventually. Others stick around to fill in the gaps for HG, as time constraints become more of an issue for him. It seems to be something they can give back to him and to those that are lost. You’ll find your high again. But if you apply what you’re learning, you can find it in a safe way.
          Address the boredom issue. I have it too. It leads you astray. As it has me many time. It constantly tests me. Its damage done in childhood. It’s the adrenaline high. Call it out by name. Address it, see it as a monster to slay inside your mind, if that will help. But know it will test your conviction. Find something constructive to do to relieve it. Exercise, kickboxing, learn to throw an axe, skydive! Donate your time to a wildlife rehabilitator or zoo or shelter or botanical garden. Be devoted to do what ever you have to do to beat the boredom, stay clean of your addiction and devote the rest of your life to YOU! It’s your life, no one else’s. You get to do, be, say, dress, act as you feel is best for YOU, NO ONE ELSE!

    5. Katy says:

      ALL my relationships in my entire life were with narcissists. I was raised by grandmother, who was a grand narcissist, together with my mother who was a victim narcissist and my grandfather who was co-dependent on everyone. I was neglected by my father who was a mid range narcissist. So, that type of bonding was all that I ever experienced. My first boyfriend was a grand narcissist with sociopathic tendencies. How I managed to end it? I have no idea. I just left.

      My ex-husband is a narcissist and is in jail due to drinking and shooting someone during a moment of rage.

      My current or soon to be ex-boyfriend or whatever, he is a mid range narcissist. He is the one who hit me the hardest because I fell in love with him and did not fall in love with the others. Once the other stopped playing the game, I grew bored. With this guy is different. So, I have some healing and some thinking to do.
      Do I get bored in a “normal” relationship? Yes. But it has to do with the addiction, not the relationship or the normal guy. It has to do with me.

      Relationships with narcissists are not relationships. They are addictions. Intermittent reinforcement. It works much more effectively than positive reinforcement. Read about it. And the only way out of addiction is to go completely without the drug (no contact). If you talk to him ONCE, you have to start all over again.

      Does it have a cure? I don’t know. I am humble enough to never underestimate a narcissist. I will never say: I won’t fall again because arrogance will get you down.

      I keep myself on check. Now, I am left to deal with a lot of anger. This can be my problem so… one day at time.

      1. Ema says:

        Hey Katy,
        “If you talk to him once, you have to start all over again.” – Oh yes, damn it! Mine hoovered me 2 weeks ago and I made the mistake to respond to his text, with the intent to show that I don’t care anymore and that everything is in the past for me. I can’t recover since then.
        For me anger was good. It kept me somehow strong. But when this phase ends, then comes the black abyss, the depression and hopelessness. They say these are normal stages of grieving, but when the anger subsides, it gets really difficult to cope. I wanted to remain constantly angry, but instead the depression overwhelmed me and I felt like giving up and going back to him. Crying, nightmares, memories – the portal is open and it hurts!
        Katy, I really wish you strength and to recover as fast as possible.

        Ema

      2. IdaNoe says:

        Katy and Ema,
        Yes so very yes! Realization, confusion, more realization, anger, confusion, self doubt , anger, anger, fear, anger, then depression, sorrow, and hopelessness. It’s all part of the process. Part of it is your innocence dying. The realization that the world and life isn’t a fairy tale and Prince Charming isn’t going to come save you, validate you, love you, heal you. I know this because I’m exactly here now. But as exhausting as all of this is, there is an opportunity. A huge opportunity for personal growth.

        As a child , we are helpless and dependent. As we grew, we weren’t allowed to grow normally. We remained in that helpless, dependent mindset and never allowed to be autonomous, a fully developed adult person, who is self sufficient, self validating, self dependent, self respecting, self resilient and self reliant. By not allowing us to become fully developed selves, we present ourselves to the world as swiss cheese, full of holes. Narc holes! Places for narcs to dive in and consume us from the inside out. While we may never be completely over the addiction of being adrenalized by the narcs, we can heal those holes.

        As a child we needed our narc family to survive, now we don’t. We have survived the worst of them and their crappy behavior and hey, we’re still here. Do you remember everything you gave to your narcs? Everything. I did. I gave them everything I had, even my soul. But I’m still here. I’m not dead, I’m here. Give that to yourselves. Pour all of it back into yourself. It may feel awkward, weird, narcish, but do it. You supported your narcs on so many levels, support yourself in the same way. It will begin to fill up those holes.

        You will begin to see light and possibly again. There will be bad days, horrible days, but they are not forever. Cling to hope, but stop defining it. Dont hope for a love or happiness. Just hope for this moment to be good. Then move to the next moment. Dont look far into the future and try to define it, while your tripping over your own feet. Set one small goal, I’m going to bathe today, and do it. Tomorrow set another, I’m going to bathe and do my hair. Then the next day, I’m going to bathe, do my hair and eat good food. This isn’t a sprint, it’s a marathon. Sprinters are looking at the finish, marathoners look at each step. Inch by inch, take back what is yours and grow into a fully adult person. Some days, I make big strides, but most days 97% of the time, I’m inching along. It’s slow, its painful, but the pain is lessening as I can see things begin to change in my life.

        Remember you’re not weak. You are weakened. You can’t be weak. Narcs need to feed, they can’t feed off a completely weak, dying, dead person. You were strong enough to withstand their feeding and still be alive. You’re not weak, they are because they need to feed off us. The fact that we continually draw narcs is proof of our strength. Use it for yourselves and stop feeding the narcs.

        1. NarcAngel says:

          Idanoe
          True. Great post.

      3. kelleygurl116 says:

        @IdaNoe – thank you, thank you! Yesss! I am there too! Your response is perfect. I arrived at the same conclusion when I caught myself looking for someone else to fill the void left by the narc – someone to give love to. Someone to spoil and pamper – ultimately, someone to take the focus off the work I need to do on myself. Now, even though it’s foreign territory, I’m doing all the things I want to do for someone else FOR ME – including sending myself texts of beautiful, amusing, thoughtful or romantic things, just like I would him. Call it insane, but it’s helping. I look at myself in the mirror every day and say to myself, “Please let me love you the way you need and want and deserve to be loved.” Most days so far the only answer is tears, but there ARE days when I can smile back at myself. Endless gratitude to you for saying it so well.

      4. Ema says:

        Dear IdaNoe,
        your comments are so powerful and full of wisdom! The best thing I’ve read in months! I will definitely make a screenshot and keep them on my computer to reread when I feel down (if you don’t mind 🙂 )
        I liked the metaphor with the swiss cheese – it is so very true, the holes, the narc holes…
        The narcs are here to teach us a lesson, indeed. One of my biggest fears has always been to live alone (never did). I dreaded the day my ex will move out and I will remain physically ALONE. I found a sick comfort knowing he’s in the other room, although we were separated and didn’t even speak to each other.
        Well, it was difficult the first weeks after he was gone, but now I started to enjoy being by myself – something I never ever thought would be possible. Consciously, I realize that I’m better off without him. Especially the past months before the end were pure hell. But, well, emotionally I still cling to the good memories. Of course it makes no sense to miss someone who tortured you mentally and made a fool out of you. Never mind the good times.
        But sometimes I also feel pity for him, and it hurts me deeply, because I see him as a damaged and hurt child and I want to help him. He used to cry in my arms many times ( I don’t know why, I know he had childhood issues, but I was not aware of any big drama). Sometimes it almost feels bad that I left him. A couple of days ago I checked his youtube channel with all the liked videos ( I admit, I’m still not full No Contact) and I saw some very depressing music, I listened to one of the songs and it was heartbreaking – about being alone and how love is gone, etc…. I cried my eyes out and almost reached out….
        Cognitive dissonance, they say. I guess you all had experienced this.

    6. Valkyrie says:

      Ema, I totally understand you on this one. Nothing is like the high of the narc relationship…

      …but let me fast forward for you.

      I was with a narc prior to meeting my husband. His words seem to have extra passion and meaning, he seemed so romantic and crazy about me. The sex was amazing. Everything had extra depth.

      I realized subconsciously what he was. I left him. I checked in on him (internet stalking lol) and guess what??? After the “trill” of marrying what he called the woman of his dreams (a whirlwind romance), I saw an article he wrote online. The gist of the article was that women need to get over the fairy tale of being adored and that marriage should servce a perfunctory purpose of raising children and living together. Romantic, eh? They can only maintain the image for so long…whew dodged a bullet.

      Another narc, did the same. He made me feel high, fulfilled, utterly happy. Then I found out he was doing and saying romantic things to lots of women. Honestly, I don’t know how he had time to sleep. “I love you so much.” “No man will ever love you like I do.” “I love you forever. I always have and I always will.” “You are my life my heart beat, my world, my breath.” Blah blah blah. Words. Words spoken in some form or another to other women. Sex with other women. Engagement rings for other women. Future plans to other women. All while having my name tattooed on him. To one, he stated he needed to get to know her children, because he was going to be their new father.

      Lies, sweet candy coated lies.

      And yes, you may not get the sweet high of dessert, but you will get something more meaningful. A person who loves you as a lasting and stable bond. Infatuation ends. It has with my past narcs (and has taken years for all of them, but the feelings ended). What is left behind without the illusion of the prince, is the frog. I see the things that I felt in my gut, but was too blind or high to give credence to. They were misogynists, self centered and hurtful.

      The golden period does not last. Period.

      You need to figure out the difference between those who are gold and those who are gold plated.

      I feel sorry for the women who end up with these men. I will take “boring” any day over someone voicing their undying devotion, then hanging up on me, telling me to stfu, ignoring me, sleeping around, lying and creating a bunch of unnecessary drama.

      Respect is a bare minimum requirement to be with me.

      1. SMH says:

        Well put, Valkyrie, and a good reminder. Gold vs gold plated. Substance vs surface. Don’t cheapen yourself in any sort of narc relationship.

      2. IdaNoe says:

        Valkyrie- awesome post. My ex-husband is a victim midranger. I’m like the Borg ( from Star Trek) I’m 3 of 5 (wives that I know of! ) He did the tattoo thing too with me. On his shoulder. Last I heard a few years ago, he was married to a woman who name is the same as mine -also conveniently the same job. Apparently he picked the wrong girl the first time LOL 🤣🤣🤣

  5. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

    Happy belated clarece!

  6. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

    im sure Dr. Cool psychologist cried for himself and now I’ll be that crazy psychologist he dated. Oh well… life goes on

  7. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

    For me….

    Mr. Finance: When I was with my first narcissist I ran my mouth via text message and disappeared – to be fair I was 23 and turned 24 that year and played with the idea he could be on the spectrum – I didn’t understand what I was dealing with then. (Duration: a smidge over a year)

    Mr. I secretly like big dick: I sent a cold one liner via text and disappeared and mailed his shit back. I was 24 when it all began and 29 when it ended. (Duration of formal relationship 4 years – five if you count the affair)

    Dr. Cool Psychologist: I got off my phone consultation with HG – confirmed what I was dealing with and I packed my bags – threw my stuff in the trunk – made him believe I might be back because he saw my stuff in my car so I told him some crap so he didn’t think it was over – let him send me a Text or two once I was home and then I went silent … disappeared….and blocked him with no warning..
    (Duration: approximately 3 months)

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