Hey girl. What’s up.
I know I blocked you on my phone, Skype, Instagram, FB, returned everything you left at my house, tore up and threw away the photos of you, but there’s one more thing I would like to say in order to burn our friendship to the ground forever. Of course I won’t ever send this to you- this is something I’m doing for myself (that is not a very good reason from your perspective, but what the hay). I really hope you’ll never see it. That’s partly because I am not a destructive person, and I don’t actually want to cause you any harm- you do enough of that yourself. It’s partly because you are crazy and I don’t want to cross you.
I’ve come to despise a lot of things about you. Of course there is the constant negativity, the selfishness, the way that you crook your finger and expect everyone to come running, and that if anyone asks you for anything it’s a huge bother. There’s the strange lack of acknowledgment for the huge amount of money, time, resources, and emotional energy your carefully cultivated support system has poured into you over the years. There’s the constant need you have to receive validation for your cruel behavior. I hate myself when I look back and remember myself saying things like “No, I get it. You just HAD to sleep with your boyfriend’s friend and make sure he found out about it. It was the only way he would get over you.”
Or “Wow, I can’t believe he called the authorities and said you threatened him! There’s no way you did any such thing. Wait, didn’t that happen with that other guy you dated too? So weird. Where do you find these guys?” (Whoops- accidentally criticized your choices there, cue silent treatment for a month).
This one REALLY shows what an idiot I am: “Sure, yeah, you saw her every day for a year, called her your best friend, encouraged her to rely on you for her sole emotional support in everything. But you feel like you need to focus on yourself now, that you don’t have time for ‘people like that’ in your life anymore. Definitely don’t answer her phone calls, I get it. And by all means, continue to tell me every single thing she ever confided in you, even though I’ve never even met her. I mean, to be fair, that’s because you’ve only recently begun speaking to me again after telling me to ‘go to hell’ two years ago for falling in love with someone when you had clearly stated that you wanted me to be single with you…no, of course I’m not saying that there is any correlation between the two. This all seems very healthy to me. I’m so happy we’re friends again!!!” (Ugh. I want to go back in time and slap myself.)
Another example of your stunningly upright character- “Well, yeah, I mean you don’t like her at all, you think she’s an idiot, and you’re sleeping with the guy she’s in unrequited love with behind her back. But if you want to keep her thinking you’re her friend because she’s really rich and she gives you stuff, I think that sounds totally reasonable. It makes her happy to think you like her. It’s actually really nice of you.”
Don’t think I ever quite got on your same wavelength with this one- “You bought your little tween sister a ticket to a concert and she’s not going because she can’t find anyone to go with because all her friends have abandoned her since she’s developed an eating disorder? That’s so sad, I feel so bad for her. Oh wait, what? That’s not the point? The point is that it’s very terrible of HER to be so unappreciative about your generous gift. Um…yeah, ok, having a hard time with this one, to be honest. Couldn’t YOU just go with her? Oh right. You have plans. And anyway, that’s not the point. I see…”
However, there is one thing that I hate above all. For some reason, this is what I saw through first, back when I was still taking your side on everything else. It’s just so REPETITIVE. And for once I really want to tell you the God’s Honest Truth.
You like to get us all to go out together, ostensibly to have a nice time. Sometimes you make it seem very generous if something terrible is happening to one of us (like when our friend’s father was dying of cancer in a faraway place, for instance). It’s something you want to do “for us.” Other times you make it very clear that we’re all there for you. Either way, it’s only a matter of time (or a matter of drinks) till suddenly you interrupt whatever conversation everyone is having to whine the EXACT same phrase (in the tone of a 5 year old)- halting the conversation, sucking the life out of the room, and drawing every eye to you in abject sympathy:
“Gg—Gg—Guuuyyysss…..d-d-do you think I’ll be alone foooorrreeeevvvveeerrr?????”
And everyone says “NOOO, of course not, you just haven’t found the right guy/you just move around so much/you’ve been focusing on other things/you’re so beautiful and smart any guy would be lucky to have you/etc.”
At which point you suddenly snap “I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT!” And fall dead silent. We awkwardly try to restart the conversation, maybe someone starts telling a funny story, maybe people start to drift away to refresh their drinks…you glower and pout. If anyone tries to talk to you, you shoot them down. For instance, when our friend with the dying father tried to show you compassion and ask what was wrong and if you were ok, you snapped “Get away from me. Go back to your boyfriend.” Weeks later you told me you were still angry at ME about this because you thought I had “sent her” to talk to you.
Anyway, I just want to clear one thing up.
I think you will be alone forever.