Me, You and Her

ME

 

One is never enough for us. Two or more are required. When we commence our seduction of you and launch those missiles towards you bearing love, passion and desire, we repeatedly tell you that you are the one. You are the only one that we want. All of our life we have waited for this moment to be with the one, you. This singularity of number meets singularity of purpose. One is all that we want. We tell you this, we text you this and we do some repeatedly in order to put you on that pedestal. The world may as well just be populated by you and me. Nobody else matters. All that we want is you and you alone. The effect of such words makes you feel extremely special, revered and worshipped and it feels wonderful doesn’t it? Being the sole recipient of our attention, such wonderful, dedicated and loving attention is uplifting, joyful and magnificent.

Recently a commenter posted a quote from Robert A Heinlein which revolved around kissing. Essentially, this quote referred to the fact that when most people kiss they are not putting their all into it, they have other things on their mind, they might be worrying about work, they know they have to put the rubbish out, they are wondering what is for dinner and as a consequence that person’s kiss is nowhere near as it should be because that person has distractions. The person they are kissing does not have their total attention. There is considerable merit in such a proposition. What we manage to do however is make you think that nobody else matters, that you are the only person we are kissing, have ever kissed and will ever kiss. We make you the centre of our universe and you believe it. Yet the reality is that whilst we exhibit this singularity of attention on you, we have so many other people in mind. Understand that when you are with one of our kind there is never a time when it is just you and me. There is always you, me and her or him or them. Your dynamic with us is not exclusive. It never is. It is not your sole preserve. You are shared throughout the entirety of your relationship with us, from the beginning until, well forever. I do not necessarily mean that we are engaged in a sexual relationship with someone else when we are with you but the fact is that when you think it is just you and I, there is far more going on that you will realise.

At the outset when I am seducing you, I make you feel like the only girl in the world, however there will be at least two other dynamics ongoing. The first is that I will be embarking on a cruel campaign against your predecessor. I will be considering how next to provoke them and punish them so I am able to draw negative fuel from them. I will undoubtedly tell you about them as I explain how horrible and abusive that person was to me. What you are less likely to know is that I am sending them abusive messages, stalking them and organising various methods of manipulation to keep punishing them.

The second dynamic at the outset is the fact that I may also be working on another prospect as well as you. In the extremely unlikely event that you ever had access to my mobile  ‘phone and you looked in the messages you would see something like this.

“Message to You 19:48 – I cannot stop thinking about you. What have you done to me? I love it though. I cannot wait to see you tomorrow even though it is too long to wait for my aching heart.”

“Message to Her 19:50 – I cannot stop thinking about you. What have you done to me? I love it though. I cannot wait to see you tomorrow even though it is too long to wait for my aching heart.”

There may even be,

“Message to Her 2 19:52 – I cannot stop thinking about you. What have you done to me? I love it though. I cannot wait to see you tomorrow even though it is too long to wait for my aching heart.”

Notoriously greedy for fuel and wary of the effects of not having a supply of the same, we will ensure that we have other targeted prospects in hand. You may become the chosen one as my primary source of fuel but the others will not necessarily be discarded. They will be retained as “friends” who rank as high producing secondary appliances, continuing to supply me with fuel. You think you have me to yourself. Of course that is the impression that I will create but you are sharing me with the others who will be kept ready to replace you should you start to fail in your production of fuel.

During the golden period it may seem that there is just you and me but I will be keeping other prospects warm and extracting negative fuel from one or more predecessors in the meanwhile. Then, without warning you find yourself being devalued. You have your suspicions that we are playing away. Indeed, we are as we use these secondary sources that we have kept “warm”. There will be others as we find additional people to draw into our network as we play them off against you. You will find you will be compared to these people, to friends and family and always found to be wanting as we press the devaluation against you. After this horrendous time, we will cast you to one side with a callous discard and somebody else has replaced you. How did that happen so quickly? How were we able to move with unseemly haste and find someone else who we now declare our love for? Easily. They were waiting in the wings all along.

Now disengaged from you will find you are still involved in the dynamic as we play you against your replacement. We will keep trying to draw negative fuel from you and then suddenly hoover you back and make you the apple of our eye again, as your short-lived replacement is cast aside. A period of vacillation may follow as we lift you up and crash you down. You are sat on one end of a see saw, as you go up, she goes down and vice versa. We stand in the centre, straddling this see saw and gobbling up all the fuel that is pouring from you both.

As our primary source you will always find that there is somebody else involved in the dynamic of our relationship. It does not end there though with the person who is our primary source of fuel. This addition of an extra player in the game happens throughout all our fuel gathering activities. We set family member against family member, our brothers against our sisters, or one parent against another. We treat one child as golden and the other as a pariah as we have them compete for our blessing and affection. We pit one colleague against another as they vie for that promotion which lies in our gift. We have friend fighting against friend in order to spend time with us at the expense of the other. We enter the online realm and have people backbiting, clashing and competing all through a few keystrokes on the keyboard. We can never be satisfied with it being just you and me, we always have to involve others and that involvement cannot be harmonious. There must be competition in order for the fuel to flow. Never think that we are dedicated to just you, our need for fuel does not allow it. There is always someone else despite what we may tell you. If you were ever able to ascertain the full extent of our machinations, schemes and plans you would see so many lines radiating away from us, connecting us to you, to her and to many others, with lines running between the unknowing and knowing until it looks like an extremely complex organogram on the wall of an incident room in a police station.

It can never just be you and me. There always has to be another.

21 thoughts on “Me, You and Her

  1. Natalie says:

    HG, firstly, your work has literally allowed me to remain sane. Thank you for what you do.

    I am the ex, narc has new supply. Last week he popped back into my life for 5 days to gain information. 5 days of blocking and unblocking, wanting me in his life, wanting to move on, agreeing to meet for closure, cancelling etc.

    His final cancel was done by email saying he wishes me the best in life but he is ending the cycle and wouldn’t be meeting me the following day. I ignored the email. He then sent it to all my other email addresses saying he needed to make sure I received it. I ignored it again.

    Will there be repercussions for this in future as I did not provide my normal emotional reaction and chase him?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello Natalie, thank you I am pleased that is the case. I need more information and recommend that you organise a consultation.

  2. amanda SNapchat says:

    HG: Have u ever triangulated someone too soon? For instance, triangulated someone and they saw the behavior as trinagulation and ran because they saw it as a red flag?
    Can you ever triangulate too soon? What does the narc feel when his triangulation does not go as planned?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      1. No.
      2. It could occur, yes.
      3. Remember, for most narcissists the behaviour is not planned, it is instinctive, so there would not be so much a feeling as ‘Bah, my triangulation failed’ but rather a sense of annoyance which is the manifest feeling occasioned by the resistance to control (although the narcissist of course does not see that he or she is trying to control).

      1. amanda SNapchat says:

        Thank you very much! I really liked this: “…Bah, my triangulation failed’!!” haha
        Great point in remembering that most narcissists do it instinctively. I guess maybe just Greaters would understand. the guy i think is a greater, says to me constantly something like “You have such a beautiful heart…you give injections of vitamin C…” wtf like that is fuel and he sees I am probably very empathic. But I think he is not aware of what he is. So maybe he is not a greater, though he has power to have huge fuel matrix and manipulations; and has a good cv.

        I will read more about greaters to understand this more. Thank you for engaging your readers. Great writing and good contextualization. I really like that you explain things clearly.

  3. amanda SNapchat says:

    My first narc would tell me that he always needed a backup plan with girls. In case it didn’t work out, he had another one. I thought it was a great idea! I originally started doing that too. Until I realized it was a waste of time. It was assuming your current relationship would fail. You invested time in someone new that took time out of your original and true love. Thank u HG. I feel I understand my life experiences everything much better.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome.

  4. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

    Noted. So when you’re in a relationship with a narcissist sit there and suffer or make sure you have back up dudes and side hoes ready because they sure as shit do and you’ll need it when they start devaluation so you can get what you’re lacking in your relationship (which will be fucking everything at some point) from your side pieces.

    Don’t compete let them take the next one – who cares – i would gift wrap my ex narcissists to these girls- rock out. I always say you want that chick over there ? Byeeeeeeeeee have fun – I’m gonna go call up that other dude who wants me and trust and believe I do. Now I’ll just break up with the idiot but in the past I would just get what I wanted from other people. Guess we end up doing the same damn thing…. funny how that works out – which is why it’s best to cut and run.

    No one needs to put up with this shit and the more detached and remove you get you realize ….wtf… fuccckkkk this.

  5. WriteItOut says:

    “The effect of such words makes you feel extremely special, revered and worshipped and it feels wonderful doesn’t it? Being the sole recipient of our attention, such wonderful, dedicated and loving attention is uplifting, joyful and magnificent.”

    This is obviously something narcissists pride themselves on…this over-the-top devoted attention.

    The narcissist would come to my husband’s performances on the occasions when I would be there as well. I really couldn’t believe that this alone didn’t alarm my husband…there are rules when you’re the side chick and the biggest one is probably don’t come around when the wife is there! But of course she didn’t care about rules, and how else was she going to check out her competition?

    Her observations of me and my interactions with my husband, how much or little attention I paid to him, were used as ammunition in texts to me after he ended it with her. “You don’t love him like I do, I’ve seen how you don’t care about him!”. She was ridiculous and so very invested in the attention being with a well-known musician brought her.

    I am a person in my own right, not a craven fan who decided she had to have him and basked in his (in her view) reflected limelight. She watched him like a hawk and was jealous of anyone he spoke to. I am not one to hang around my husband when he’s performing or when he’s talking to fans…he will always seek me out. I command a room as deftly as he does in a different way.

    It drives her insane, especially in light of her telling me in one of her text rages “You’ll never fit in like I do!”. If I were her I’d have stopped going anywhere she will run into me, but she’s too obsessed.

  6. Mercy says:

    Why didn’t I listen to you? Why couldn’t I see these words and how they relate to me before it crashed all around me?

    I knew there were other women. First it was instinct with no proof. Easy enough to lie to myself. Then the confessions came, more lies, more manipulation until I thought I could handle it as long as I was fully informed. So when I would read on this site I would think to myself that yes, there are always going to be others. I knew it and I got to a place where I thought I could handle the others.

    What I’ve learned in this last few years is that it’s always always worse than what you know. No matter how much I knew, no matter how much I learned from here he would throw something more horrible than the last thing he threw at me. There is absolutely no limitations with them.

    Never ever think you know it all because there’s more. Always more.

    1. amanda SNapchat says:

      probably also to hurt u more. glad u see him for his true colors. now run.

  7. brokenrainbow says:

    This was very difficult to read today. My emotional thinking has been quite high the past few days. I have not contacted my ex as there is no point. I now realize all he will do is hurt me in the end. It is hard to fathom that it is my ex’s arms I crave. I crave him yet he is the one who devastated me. I never thought he was cheating on me ever! Even after I started reading about narcissists and narcissistic “supply” I still did not want to believe it. I read HG’s words with a deep sadness in my heart.

    I am tired of being an empath. I have decided I am done with emotions and I would rather feel nothing. Maybe I should head down the path of my narcissistic tendencies and see where I end up.

    1. NarcAngel says:

      Brokenrainbow
      Do you think you might be craving him because when you feel miserable you want something close and familiar? Like warm pyjamas and hot chocolate on a cold night you have been conditioned to turn to him for comfort, but remember the comfort will be fleeting and the cycle will return. There is no other outcome, so try to ride it out by returning to warm pyjamas and hot chocolate, or something that allows you to absorb the pain and then detox while your logical thinking resumes, instead of someone who will provide a few hours of comfort but years of abuse.

      They say you can abuse yourself with too much chocolate but I think thats horseshit.

      1. windstorm says:

        NarcAngel
        “They say you can abuse yourself with too much chocolate but I think thats horseshit.”

        I absolutely agree! That’s like how they used to say don’t eat eggs because of the cholesterol or that coffee is bad for you. What theyre sure is bad today, they’ll be explaining is beneficial in the future.

      2. brokenrainbow says:

        I think that is part of it NA. I always turned to him for comfort. If I went to family or anyone but him there were consequences. He became my everything. I always looked elsewhere for validation as my inner self is fractured.
        I could never have enough chocolate NA

      3. MB says:

        NA and WS, chocolate is life. Oh…and glitter

  8. wounded says:

    I found out (again, after the fact) that my name had been brought up to his ex.

    He triangulated all three of us. His ex IPPS his current DLS, me, and he even triangulated me with another woman he was sleeping with. He was my “friend” and her “friend” and her “friend”. Ever the wily bachelor friendship was his game.

    He was sleeping with this woman named Danielle, telling me that she wanted to talk to him when they weren’t drinking about where this relationship was heading. He joked “when are we NOT drinking?” This was secret number two. His BFF/DLS had no idea this was happening.

    A few weeks later he flew in to visit. His poor DLS was wearing herself thin trying to please him with prepping overnight arrangements. He ignored all her text messages leaving her confused and apologetic. By this time I was under the spell going from friendship to intimate conversations. A day or so after he left he phoned me asking if she had mentioned anything about him. The answer was no. It took me a bit, and one evening texting, I asked him why he had asked that. Apparently he had almost said someone else’s name during sex. I assumed Danielle.

    No. It was you, actually.

    That was the text. How did I NOT see this? How did I betray not one, but two friendships? Much like asking myself what he was mirroring back to me how in the fuck did this actually happen.

    His former DLS started therapy this week. Upon explaining the abuse the therapist’s response was
    Hmmm. Sounds like a narcissist.

    After months of feeling as though I am going crazy, being accused of being obsessive, paranoid and much more besides. NARCISSIST.

    There are moments on here, when I read the comments, that feel like a faker and a tourist. I wasn’t devalued. But I witnessed it and fell anyway.

    I should be over this by now. My marriage is saved, my friend has escaped and our relationship is intact. So what’s wrong? Why am I not merrily waltzing off into the sunset?

    Because that motherfucker raped my head space.

    The one place left that was my haven, that had yet to be exploited, that housed my dreams, hopes, calm, introspection, and memories, he plundered.

    It really is never just one.

    1. Harvard (TMM) says:

      “Raped my headspace.”

      What a crystal clear encapsulation of why even if you get away, move on, escape, go no contact, realize the situation; you are still feeling them in your dark recesses of your being.

      1. wounded says:

        I hate that I feel that way. But yes. It’s like that. Like a crawling sensation under the skin.

        Thank you Harvard. Also Valkyrie’s sugar coated arsenic.

  9. Valkyrie says:

    Systematic abuse

    I’ve askes my narc over and over how he can hurt people so much. How would he feel if it was done to him.

    Taking someone to dinner, making them feel special, saying I love you, does not change or excuse abuse.

    Sugar coated arsenic.

    1. Harvard (TMM) says:

      Kisses on your shoulders when you spoon as you crawl in to the warmth from the cool of the house. Butterflies as you hear anything from him. Butterflies when you know you’ll see him. Him nicknaming you Butterflies. Not having the ‘where do you want to go’ discussion because you’re both fine with anything. Playing with your hair. Hours of conversation where I see his eyes dilating and his smile doesn’t fade. Cooking for him and the kids. Tucking your toes under his thigh while you’re curled up watching TV together. Playing with his hair. Giggles to outright laughing.

      Yeah- it’s a caramel coated onion that is rotted. To. the. core.

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