The Cold Dead Stare

THE COLD DEAD STARE

You should consider that you are rather fortunate to be given these glimpses into the workings of my mind. Ordinarily you are unable to peer into the dark mind of my kind and me.  As an empathic individual you do cultivate an ability to understand the way that other people are thinking and how they are feeling. It provides you with a degree of intuition and this is applicable to many of the people that you meet. You apply this ability for the purposes of doing good things and I understand why you do that. Notwithstanding this ability, however, it does not work with us. You are unable to establish what is going through our minds or what we might be thinking, no matter how desperate you are, to be able to do this. This is because we do not abide by the normal rules and conventions of everyone else. We do not travel on the well-worn path but instead we take those routes which are far from the beaten path. These routes are tangled, unmapped and dangerous and they are so designed to prevent others from following us down them. We do not want you to know what we are thinking.

This is because we have no desire to convey to you any advantage in seeking to escape our effects and make it harder for us to obtain fuel from you. We must cloak our minds and make them impervious to your attempts to read them. We must operate through secrecy and covert behaviours so that you never see us coming, so that you never know what will happen next and so that you have no opportunity to evade us. Not only do we shroud our minds in this manner through our rejection of logic and the adoption of behaviours which are outside those considered normal, we also ensure you cannot read us through our eyes.

Many people look to the eyes as a device for gauging what someone might be thinking or perhaps more accurately feeling. If we are explaining something to somebody and we see confusion in that person’s eyes we know we must adopt a clearer method in our explanation. If we are conveying some news and see a pained expression in those eyes we know (if it was you making the comment) to alter the manner in which it is expressed to make it less painful or to do or say something to offer support. Of course, when we see it, we merely increase the pain in order to extract a reaction from you.

This weakness of the eyes in allowing another person to gauge how someone is feeling and therefore ascertain what they are thinking is not something that we can countenance. This is vulnerability and we do not like vulnerabilities at all. We have enough to contend with, without allowing you to see what they are. Accordingly, in order to ensure that our mind is impervious to your inspection we will either adopt a cold, dead look in our eyes which renders them impenetrable or we will simply reflect back at you what you are feeling and mislead you. When we adopt that cold stare, it may be designed to induce a sense of dread in you but it has a primary purpose. This purpose is to create a shield so that you are unable to ascertain what we are thinking and thus our plotting mind is secure from external influence and can proceed in its scheming. Should we reflect back to you what you are showing to us, we are doing this to mislead you, but also again to prevent you from having any chance of understanding what is going on in our dark minds. Our minds are the core of our operations. Our minds control everything in order to achieve our aim of securing fuel and as such, this most precious of devices must not be compromised in any way by people like you and your meddling.

We must ensure that our minds are ring-fenced, cut-off and protected from your attempts to read us. Should you be able to do that then you will be taking away one of our advantages. We know what you are thinking and we know what you are going to do next because you are an empath and you not only wear your heart on your sleeve but you wear your mind there as well. Your eyes allow us straight into what you are thinking and feeling. Your mind may as well be transparent or broadcast its thoughts onto a flat screen for all to see. You are easy to work out and study, hence why we choose you. A similar fate must not befall us and this is why we ensure at all times that our minds are impervious to your penetration.

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13 thoughts on “The Cold Dead Stare”

  1. He wouldn’t let me look into his eyes in the beginning, or probably ever. He let me peak once when I at least wanted to know the color of them, which wasn’t exactly brown, more tiger eye. I have this thing I do sometimes that I’m not even aware of, where sometimes I’ll stare into someone’s eyes to get a sense of who they are, if they’re good or bad, and they will all of a sudden realize they’ve been locked in this stare with me delving into their eyes/minds, and shake loose- me too, as I do it unconsciously- and we just sort of smile it off as we continue with our conversation. When I tried it on my narc, he dodged his eyes away because he could see it coming- he saw my curiosity. Funny that recently, after figuring his narcissism out, he tried to look into my eyes to read me, and I was the one who dodged him.

  2. I just read your post, it is your emotional attachment..it is why we must go no contact as HG says. I have learned so much about narcissism yet the illusion of the man I loved felt completely real. The best thing I have read so far (for me) regarding HG’s work is regarding the fact that they view all humans as fuel appliances. When you put THAT thought in your head, that puts the “cold logic” in and pushes the warm memories and attachment to the golden period OUT! You broke no contact by going on that dating app. You only hurt yourself by doing so…you have natural human emotion, and that is okay. No matter who they end up with, understand it has nothing to do with YOU and everything to do with their quest for fuel! No matter what kind of relationship they are in, it is established under false pretenses, even if it lasts awhile. Their is no loyalty so dismiss them from your mind-even if you were still together, you would NEVER have a successful long term relationship without trust. Trust in a relationship with a narcissist is unobtainable. Listening to HG has hammered in what I already had learned before finding his publications and You Tube videos-but hearing it coming from the mouth of an actual Narcissist really solidifies it in my mind. “Weaponizing the empaths” he says…love it!
    You will get through this-don’t beat yourself up just avoid and contact vulnerabilities, he has lots of excellent suggestions.

    1. Empath

      Thank you for pointing that out. I didn’t think of it as breaking NC at the time, but obviously it’s what I was doing or I wouldn’t have even noticed his absence.
      Yes, HG’s work has helped me tremendously also. I’m still working my way through his books, will check out YouTube videos, which I haven’t done yet. Like you, learning I was just an appliance was a great lightbulb moment. Funny, I don’t even think of the golden period anymore. It wasn’t all that golden in retrospect, but I still need to exorcize him from my head and heart. Other NC was not breeched and the app was again deleted. Thanks for your help and support. Onward and upward. 💜

  3. Pingback: The Cold Dead Stare ⋆ NarcTopia
  4. So I read this and then I did something INCREDIBLY stupid. Narcex and I met on a dating app. Since going NC, I deleted the app, unfriended him on Facebook, and blocked him on my cellphone. The entire time we were together he stayed on the dating app and logged in like clockwork, morning and night, and sometimes during lunch at work. Which, of course, always hurt my feelings, and which he, of course, always lied about. Jeez, I’m feeling really stupid here, relaying this.
    But I didn’t understand then and I do now. I didn’t know he was a narc. I do now. He’s always hunting fuel. Anyway. Tonight I decided to reload the app, because, after all, I’m so over him. :insert eye roll:
    As it turns out, even though I had closed the account and deleted the app, by reloading and signing in, it actually restored my entire profile. Dozens of the same old guys who had “liked” me were still there, and two guys who I had apparently “liked” were still there too. None of them were narcex, and our scroll of conversation was also gone. This realization all of a sudden caused me a huge adrenaline rush and immediate tears as I contemplated. My conclusions were 1- he blocked me and I can no longer see him or 2- after 10+ years on that app he deleted it and closed the account. Now I confess, I’m not a logical thinker, I am way too emotional and have been crying the last half hour. I don’t know why I think it’s #2, I have no proof or reason. To torture myself further, I’ve decided that if it is #2, that he found someone else worthy of leaving a dating app for, which of course means I wasn’t. (I’m fully aware this is erroneous thinking, and yet it was enough for a good waterworks session.)
    If you read my whining, thank you. I just needed to deep breathe and get that out, and now I’m all congested and blotchy and feeling ridiculous but I’m going to post it anyway because that’s my current reality. I feel more comfortable here than in the Facebook support groups that no longer meet my needs and seem to be mostly populated by women who kind of think they’re involved with narcs but still know nothing about them, and so many aren’t even doing NC yet.
    Why in the world did this hurt me so much when I’m the one who escaped and initiated NC? WTF?!

    1. Wissh
      “Why in the world did this hurt me so much when I’m the one who escaped and initiated NC?”

      I know how you feel and I have felt that way, too. I think it’s because we have a fundamental need to be loved by those that we love and to realize that we are not loved hurts us very deeply.

      Also (especially if we have lived long with narcs) I believe we often have an insecurity that we are not as good as others, that we always carry like an unhealed wound. Whenever something seems to prove this, it hurts deeply and viscerally – like being punched in that unhealed wound.

      In my opinion that’s the real problem of having lasting relationships with narcs. I think it causes these permanent scars and wounds that we just have to learn to live with. I’m pretty good with logical thinking and I can analyze these effects, understand what caused them and what triggers them, but that doesn’t make them go away. I console myself with the old saying, “Time heals all wounds.” Wounds do heal and even scars do fade with time. But it’s up to us to protect ourselves as much as possible from further damage until we heal.

      Not sure if this is helpful, but at least I do understand and have often felt the same way. I’d stay off that dating site and remember that while he very well may have found someone else, he doesn’t love her any more than he loved you (not at all, because he’s incapable) and he’s only going to hurt her, too. ❤️

      1. Windstorm

        Thank you so much. I agree with everything you wrote. My inner storm has passed this morning, but yeah, last night it felt like a punch in the gut. The heart. I’ve never been in love with anyone who didn’t love me back. It sucks. And all the understanding and self talk and reading hasn’t expunged him from my head. Yet. Thanks for your support, comment, and understanding. And, yeah, I deleted the app again. It was obviously a trigger. 💜

    2. Wissh

      Maybe you are feeling rejection, all the others were still there, he was gone. Even thou you are the one who escaped, you Loved this person and seeing it all gone triggered the feeling of rejection.
      It is normal to cry, get it out. Recognize it, accept it, let it go. It is holding on to an emotion that causes issues. You may have to repeat this cycle many times before it becomes second nature.
      It is making a choice rule the emotion or let the emotion rule you. We were created to “feel” to move with emotions not to damn them up and let them consume us.

      Attachment brings misery, this is true. To be connected with out attachment brings freedom.

      Have you looked at things as if you were attached to seeing this as a connection to this person, when it was gone that is what triggered this emotion?

      1. Twilight
        As I just replied to Empath I didn’t consider it as an attachment, a connection to narcex at the time. I just wasn’t thinking. Consciously. But once I was triggered and started thinking about it I concluded that’s exactly what I did. And yeah, still loving him, or more accurately, the fantasy of him is getting on my last nerve.
        I was already emotionally labile the hours prior to this breech of NC as we spent the day acknowledging the date, 8 years since my son died. Several times throughout the day I had to remind myself that I would not hear from narcex, that he is blocked so I could not hear from narcex, and finally, that even if I could, there’s no way he would remember, nor bother to contact me anyway, because my grief and my son’s death is not about HIM. Ugh, my learning curve isn’t what it used to be. Thanks for sharing your thoughts, and for your support.💜

      2. Wissh

        I am sorry for your loss, to lose a child is an unimaginable pain for one.

        The saying curiosity killed the cat take a new meaning when it comes to maintaining NC. Keep reading, asking questions and you may want to consult with HG if you have situations you do not want to air publicly. His advice and insights are worth the time and fee.

      3. Thanks again Twilight.
        I already started the Narc Detector consult with HG, and will certainly want to consult with him when I understand more, have more of his books read, and finished jotting my questions for him.

    3. Wish ugh I hate those moments too when one minute your fine then the next something triggers the waterworks. It’s the process and sike day we’ll realize those triggers are fewer and far between. You gave me some consultation the other day when I was down so I’ll return the favor since my logical thinking is working today 😉 “1-he blocked me and I can no longer see him”. This is more likely the case because you’ve wounded him by blocking him on your phone and Facebook. My narc would do this to me. I’d block on fb, Instagram, text and calls but if I missed one like snap chat you can bet he blocked me first. It’s such a childish game.” 2- after 10+ years on that app he deleted it and closed the account” now this one is just silly. He either kept the app while with you as a tool to gain fuel knowing that it upset you or he did find someone else and he’s trying to impress. But he is a narcissist so it’s an act. If this is the case, she may be “worthy” today but when her fuel becomes stale she will be searching narc fb sites and hunting for answers just like you. They don’t change for the next fuel source, they may use different tactics but it’s all manipulation in the end.

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