How To Make The Narcissist Return
To bastardise a phrase, “How does your emotional thinking affect thee, let me count the ways?”
“I still love her and I always will, I miss her so much.”
“I know what he is, but I don’t care, I just have to be with him, there is no point otherwise.”
“I cannot stand to be without him. The pain is too much, so I would rather have the ups and downs than nothing at all.”
“I understand her now, so I can control the situation better so I will not be hurt. I can make this work.”
“Since I understand him, I can explain to him that I do and he will realise and everything will work out for the best.”
“All I need to do is work on pleasing her and asserting my boundaries and we can get through this, love conquers all.”
“I am better than her and he will soon realise what he has lost and he will come back to me, we are soul mates and meant to be.”
“They say if you let someone go and they come back then it is meant to be. That is what I must do ; let him go and ensure he returns to me.”
“I know he has hurt me but I have done some bad things as well, so if we are honest with one another we will sort things out, I only want him and nobody else.”
“I know he is bad for me, but well, it is so boring without him. Nobody else compares to him.”
“I don’t care if he hurts me, I love him and I know he really loves me and that is all that matters in the end. Love hurts sometimes you know.”
All of the above are the product of the fraudulent effect of emotional thinking and a thousand thousand further phrases besides. I have heard so many and read even more. I have no doubt you can think of similar utterances and proclamations.
So, if the bond is so tight and the pain so awful that you cannot bear to be without the narcissist, why not make him or her come back to you after they disengaged from you. They wanted you once, they seduced you and goodness, how did they seduce you! Those magical, mesmerising days of golden, beautiful, flawless perfection. If only you can return to them. How might you go about achieving this? What steps can you take to ensure that the narcissist returns to you and not only returns but stays? After all, you know they are a narcissist now, you understand why he or she operates as they do, you recognise the manipulations and you are confident that you can handle the narcissist so that not only are you not hurt but so that you do not lose them. You have gained the power through knowledge haven’t you? Now, all you need to do is cast that magic spell to make us come back to you. What can you do to guarantee the return of the narcissist to your arms, to your home, to your bed?
- Provide that positive fuel. Provide the narcissist with that reminder of the glorious and potent fuel that once drew us to you. Let it gush and fountain from you, with your praise, love and admiration for us. Do not hide it under a bushel, let it appear in vast quantities and often. Drown us in your positive fuel.
- Make those traits of yours which we expressed admiration for shine and appear prominently so we see what rewards await us by coupling with you once more, so we can claim those traits once again. Make sure that your achievements are noticeable – that promotion, that recent big client win, the articles printed in the press, the new followers for your work and so on.
- Ensure that the residual benefits are available once again. Have that house open to us whenever we choose, make it clear that money is available, let us know that we have a house keeper who will cook, clean and care for us, let it be known that yours is ours, that your contacts are accessible to us for our use, that we can plug into your networks once again and attend those prestige events. Whatever those residual benefits are, make it evident that they are ours for the taking.
- Demonstrate penance for everything bad that you have ever done. Make it clear you were at fault and that we were not, recognise your shortcomings and apply the suitable mea culpa mea maxima culpa so we know your contrition is genuine.
- Remove any obstacles. If you have a new partner, ditch him or her. Drop the restraining order. Obviously destroy the no contact regime. There should be no fence, wall or barrier to our glorious return.
- If we have been bad mouthed in anyway, make sure this is overturned. Ensure that family, friends and colleagues speak well of us, correct any ‘misunderstandings’ they may have acquired about us and create a fertile ground for the growth of our new and improved façade.
- Look and be your best to cater for the relevant cadre of narcissist, be it somatic, cerebral, victim or elite. Ascertain which we are and cater to that by adjusting your appearance, behaviour, outlook etc to align with what we want.
- Demonstrate subservience once again and your willingness to submit to our authority. Be strong to the world at large, if that is the way you are, but ensure we know that you will roll over and want your tummy tickled by us on our return.
Those are the key grounds which cover the various matters which you need to attend to if you are looking to make us return to you after you have been disengaged from so that your pain and misery is swept away and you can embrace the wonderful new Golden Period Mk 2.
Will those steps detailed above guarantee our return?
No.
You can never ever make us return.
Why?
This impossible outcome, much as you want and long for it, can never be guaranteed to happen for three reasons :-
- We are the controllers. We control, you are controlled. You do not tell us what to do, you do not make the decisions for us to obey, you do not bring about a situation because you want it, it happens if and because we want it. You may make the situation more appealing to us, granted, but even so there is never a guaranteed outcome. We must decide if we are to return. It is not even whenwe return, but if. It may never happen and if it happens it is only when we decide and on our terms. Not yours. You cannot compel us to these things. No matter how inviting you make it, no matter how much you place yourself on the sacrificial altar and declare that you will do anything and everything for us, it is not guaranteed to work because we must always have control and that means we must be the decision maker; and
- You do not know what else is occurring in our fuel matrix. No matter how well you tempt us with the creation of what you think is an inviting scenario, someone else in our fuel matrix may well be outshining you. If we have a new IPPS and we are in that golden period with them, there is NOTHING you can do to affect that. Our fuel needs may be met by a variety of appliances and therefore there is little need for you. You do not know the extent of our fuel matrix, how it is constituted, who is in it and what roles those people take. You do not know how much fuel is provided, how often and to what potency. You do not know how the character traits are supplied nor the residual benefits and because of this lack of knowledge, you can never have any guarantee that we will return to you.
- Our split thinking. If you are painted black, you are painted black and no matter what you do to try to shift that perception, you are not guaranteed to be able to do it. This means that you go can be superlative in your provision of fuel and all else but ultimately it will be scorned because your treachery (as seen by us) obscures and denigrates all that you do. You will remain black until we decide that you are white and whilst you might cause us to regard you as white because of something you do, you should note that
a. That still does not guarantee our return to you because of points 1 and 2 above ; and
b. Your turning white is usually as a consequence of someone else in our fuel matrix turning black and thus you have no control over that happening and when.
Furthermore, you may become painted white but you can soon become black very quickly and you have little control over how that happens.
How can you make the narcissist return to you?
You cannot.
You may want it to happen because you are being blinded by your emotional thinking. I understand that and you can tell me all the reasons why you want it to happen, how it will be different and so forth and I will shoot down each and every reason with ease.
You cannot make us return to you and one day, when the emotional thinking clears and logic prevails you will accept this and say
“I do not want the narcissist to return – because he is a narcissist.”
You will have then begun to seize the power.
45 thoughts on “How To Make The Narcissist Return”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.
I have been discarded because I asked him a question. He blocked me. I was callinv from an unknown number where I know he knows it was me. But for the last two days, he has been picking and saying what is it you don’t understand, etc , etc. Do you think this is strategy on his part?
I need more information to provide an accurate response. You should organise a consultation.
If I’m honest somedays I want him to return and others I do not but if I analyze why I really want him to return, it really has little to do with him but more with the excitement he provided. I know darn good and well another Narc could appear at any time and I would likely never think of him again.
The life of a Codepebdent. On some level I am the same as him. I can move on just like he does it’s just he got there first. HG would they sense this with a Codependent ? My first Narc said he left me before I could leave him. The 2nd Narc said at one point that “if it doesn’t work out with us, you will be fine. You are very attractive you will have no problem moving on” Of course he said that he knew I had an expiration date
Yes, there are times where it can be sensed.
I’m confused. I thought narcs were never done with you. I thought they always come back, even if its years later.
The point is there is always a risk of our return but it is on OUR terms, not yours.
Great, if the last one I dealt with comes back, I will be eligible for a long-distance relationship with a man who could be in bed with someone else every night for all I know. I can spend lots of time watching his online timestamps and worrying about who he’s talking to, and wondering if he’s pretending to be single like he did before. I can lose sleep about whether or not he’s even told anyone in his real physical life about me. I can spend thousands of dollars on flights to see him because he just can’t be bothered. I can wonder if he’s calling me “some girl I’m kind of seeing” like he described his last girlfriend to me. I can wonder about every trip he goes on for work and who he is flirting with. Then the fun part — the devaluation! — will start. Yeah, count me out.
Is it possible for a greater narc (myself) to have a relationship with a lesser or midrange? One that can work. I’m getting tired. Tired of the bs of it, but I want need, this person.
Are you sure you are a greater narc ???
This is one time where Leonard Cohen is wrong— “The crack is where the light comes in” Not with a narc! Keep the door closed tight- the light never comes in with a narc!!! Trust me- I have tried and failed- Door locked tight- do not ‘think or FEEL’ anything has changed! Lock it- bolt it- chain it !!!!!
Superb article this. Absolutely excellent!
The way it is laid out with the points, it outlines everything that you need to do and then saying will this work? and writing…no!
I can’t stress enough how good it is and how it really hits home.
It packs a heavyweight punch of information.
This is one of those articles that really needs to be printed out and put in a special book.. I think a good idea would be to print out the special individual articles that apply to us more personally…make our own individualised collection..but this is one of those that has to go in every one.
All the articles are important of course they are, however there are just a few that hit home more than others in individual circumstances and making a personal scrapbook of just those would be perfect on weaker days.
Personally I don’t want to make the narcissist return in any way cos I left…but it’s just the superb way this article is written. I love the style of it.
It’s just perfect.
And I think it encourages strength.
When you first read it about how can you make him return or her return but then it says all of the things as to why you wouldn’t want the person’s return…
So you think it is going to encourage you in one way but it does not, it discourages the wrong approach and encourages you in a way that you wasn’t expecting which is to ‘not’ let the narcissist return.
Fabulous presentation.
🐾
An excellent review of it Debbie.
Perfect even!
Excellent piece HG.
Hopefully you will have caught the attention of some in the grip of emotional thinking with the title…. and planted a seed. There’s no arguing with your crystal clear explanations and ice cold logic.
HG, I came across an article in Sunday’s Guardian about narcissism. I got quite excited during reading, as a Facebook page called Knowing a Narcissist was mentioned. Thinking it was a misspell, I clicked the highlighted text, only to be taken to a page obviously not run by you.
Have you heard of this page before?
I was quite miffed that the journalist made no mention of your page, let alone blog. Yet terminology and concepts you have expanded on in the general discourse on narcissism were used. Miffed because you deserve recognition for your excellent work and writing. It was a pretty poor article in my opinion. Basically stating that narcissism is a misunderstood concept…..(heard that before??) but not all that bad. Quite dismissive of the current popular interest in it.
No, I do not know of the page. Well you know what to do with regard to the article don’t you?
No, I don’t HG.
PS. HG
Just had a squizz at the FB page I mentioned earlier… there have been no postings on it for roughly 12 months. Why the journo mentioned it at all is a puzzle to me… and going on about a ‘phenomenal’ 400K likes…. something smells fishy to me…. probably just incompetence.
Please enlighten me…. what am I meant to be doing re the article exactly? I don’t want to promote it as I think it’s shite.
You promote me to the relevant journalist – let’s ensure they get things right.
Consider it done
I’m obliged.
My narcisstic crush didn’t like I posted a picture with her on facebook, a month and 12 days ago. A week earlier, she told me not to send her messages? Was this all planned, or was she angry with the photo? Is there chance for her to return?
It depends on the school of narcissist as to whether it was planned, but chances are it was not and it was an instinctive act.
Yes, there is a chance for her to return, subject, as always to the Hoover Trigger and the Hoover Execution Criteria.
Occasionally I’l just let him (musician narc) know I love him and that he looks gorgeous and then I move on with my life again. He’s my sweetheart and an asshole, but he can’t help himself because of his brain deficit. If I had been given no empathy nor guilt/remorse system I would act just like him.
Yes this I agree with
Why on earth would we want the narcissist to return? It was hard enough to get rid of them in the first place. Let’s not go back there. Remember the lies, the deception, the confusion, the pain, the tears…
Yes PHJ,
there’s also the knife in my back that matches the knife in my front (thanks to my sister). Covert/victim-Ns have these special knife skills. No contact keeps you out of the reach of the blade.
Well said! No contact is the only way to protect ourselves. Narcissists have no boundaries, so we need to set somes.
Hi Pascale. While I understand and agree with what you wrote above, I want to say the following: narcissists do have boundaries. They actually have very rigid boundaries; they don’t “let anybody in”, remember?
What they do not do is recognize and respect the boundaries of others.
So, as you said, at the end it is up to us, the victims, to set and make our boundaries be respected by others(and especially by ourselves).
Very good point!
Lou
Good point! Yes narcs do have strong boundaries and they don’t hesitate to make them known if you start to cross one!
“I do not want the narcissist to return – because he is a narcissist.”
Fact…guess im on my way then
I must be healing. I used to want him to come back when we weren’t together but my mind has changed. There is nothing he can say or do to make me want him back. My life is better now even though I am suffering physical, mental and emotional problems since I left. I no longer walk on egg shells and my house is quiet and peaceful.
Wow…it is a powerful article! Until I came upon the second part, I was already preparing a letter inside my head that I was going to email him. But, then I read that it makes no difference 😧
Never mind. I do not want the Narcissist to return. I am seizing the power! Why would I want the Narcissist to return? I don’t!
Fuck that….For example he tells me the other day while I was picking up my daughter. I have a bunch of bitches and they all serve different purposes. Why would anybody want to be just a bitch to anyone?
Wow Elizabeth, he’s really selling that position vacant in his entourage as a dream job, isn’t he? What girl wouldn’t want that?
He would see both you and your precious daughter in just the same way. What a repulsive mysogynist he is.
Thanks for the laugh Caroline!
You’re a witty, intelligent woman.
And you’re not the only one!
Too many to mention
Tappi T,
You’re a gem!
NC is about to kill me but the angel on one shoulder so far is winning over the devil on the other. Over the weekend I thought about unblocking him numerous times but thanks to HG and all of you out there I did not. I kept saying to me if he contacts you some how and you reply it will set you back months of healing.
So the pain continues with sparkles of light in between. Thanks to all that have contributed to my healing.
Hi Kim, be proud of yourself – you are changing your thought-patterns. That is major!
Also keep reminding yourself that all he is able to be is what he already showed you: the person you went NC with.
Come to the narc-free future. Its so rewarding to be here.
SHESAW
Thanks for the kind words. Minutes/Hour/Day at a time….my mantra right now.
Shesaw,
You’re a treasure.
Hi Kim, yes! Keep going, the little time-frames are do-able (as opposed to the big ones). Change is the culmination of multiple little steps!
SHESAW. Thanks for the kind words. Emotional thinking took over last night just before I went to bed and I unblocked him. But in the middle of the night the angel on my shoulder woke me up and told me why he needs to stay blocked. He is now reblocked.
DAMN…this is hard.
Thank you, Caroline, that really touched me❤️️
You are one, too. You have the precious gift of making people feel seen.
I do not -ever- want the narcissist to return, because he was horribly mean and viscous to me and my loved ones. Those bridges have burnt to smoldering ashes.
I say: good riddance.