I Cannot Do This Anymore



I cannot do this anymore. You may have heard this statement from one of our kind. It is uttered with a weary resignation, a long sigh and a tired look in our eyes. The glorious countenance has vanished and been replaced with someone who looks defeated, crumpled and exhausted. The polish and shine has been dulled, the accumulative impact of what has happened now looks to have taken its toll on us and with a wave of the white flag we surrender.

But when we say “I cannot do this anymore” to what are we referring. What is the this? Straight from the off, as we utter this phrase, we have set a trap for you. Do we mean that we can no longer maintain the relationship with you, this topsy-turvy roller coaster of a ride? Have we given up on the concept of us and this is the death knell for our relationship together? You can already feel the anxiety crawling over you as you contemplate the import of this phrase. The days without us already beginning to stretch ahead of you, the multitude of questions which start to form in your mind, the whys and hows drifting through your mind, gathering momentum and troubling you. Is that what we are referring to? Can we no longer remain in a relationship with you?

Or is it perhaps something else? Is this an epiphany? Have we seen that our repeated abuses against you, through many different forms and occasions, is too much and goes against the good person you have always believed that lurks somewhere inside of us? You saw that person (or believed you did) for a long time at the outset of the relationship but he has been missing as of late. He has taken a holiday from these parts but surely it is only a holiday, because if it is this means that he will be coming back. He has gone but not forever. Perhaps this is him returned and with that moment of revelation and realisation, we have seen the truth of what we have been doing and through this we now know that we cannot continue to behave in this manner any longer. Is this what we mean when we declare the statement of “I cannot do this anymore”?

Which is it? You dread it being the former and hope that it is the latter. This might be the breakthrough that you have been seeking all these months as you have hung in there, buffeted and assailed by all of our terrible torments, but now you have come good, you have achieved your great reward. That must surely be what we mean.

You wait for us to elaborate but nothing more is said. We continue to look at you and you stare into our eyes. What do you see? Is it despair or is it hope? You cannot be sure. You are confused but you do not want to be. You want clarity and you feel an alternating sense of worry one moment and then resurgent hope the next. You wait, your expression set in expectation, urging us to flesh out this statement, to expand and to elaborate but still our silence remains. Are we gathering our thoughts before making the next great pronouncement? Is there more? Will it be a hammer blow which obliterates your hopes or that triumphant clarion call which signals that the war is at an end and peace has broken out? Is this the very thing that you have dreamed about?

You wonder whether you should press us or would that affect the outcome and bring about a volte face? You have experienced enough of those during the tumultuous experience that is your union with us. Perhaps you are better served waiting and allowing us to express ourselves, but you need to know, you want to know. You want to know if you should commence your reasoning to ensure that the relationship is at an end. If this is to be the outcome, then you need to commence your bid for its continuation without delay, not least to stem the churning anxiety which is threatening to overwhelm you. If it is an end to the abuse, the games and the mis-treatment then you want to congratulate us on breaking through that final barrier and achieving the insight you have longed for, for such an extensive period of time. You urge us with your eyes to add to the comment, to help us over the finishing line and in so doing end your own uncertainty, but there is no more. We just keep looking at you.

This is where we like to position you. Gripped by uncertainty, emotions churning through you as we milk them through you all through one comment. We can see it all in your eyes, your frozen stance, the hunched shoulders, the clenched hands, the mask of uncertainty that is strapped to your face. In turn we see the hope, the worry, the optimism and the fear flickering through your eyes and as usual we are sustained by this nourishment. Those words have provoked this reaction in you, the emotional response pouring our way, even though it is silent and immobile.

If you eventually breach this impasse and press for more details, expect to be led by the hand into the maze of ambiguity, double-meaning and obfuscation. Your questions will be half-answered. Your queries will be met with more silence, an unwavering look as we force you to try and work it out. Morsels of encouragement may be provided, like breadcrumbs along the path as we lead you deeper and deeper into the maze. You continue to fuel us as you think you are being taken towards the answers, admitted into our confidence and shown the inner sanctum of our thoughts, but no, all we are doing is taking you into the bowels of our tangled forest where you will be caught on the thorns of unanswered questions, tripped by the vines of vagueness and blocked by the twisted branches of bewilderment.

Do we mean it when we say this phrase? It is really the case that I cannot do this anymore?

Of course I can. I can keep doing this forever because as I have mentioned on many occasions this is forever. Yes, there will be times where I will disappear. Yes, there will be occasions where I am good to you again, then bad and then good. The purpose of saying this is purely to upset you. I have no intention at all at leaving you. Why would I when you give me so much wonderful negative fuel through the period of devaluation? Why would I when you provide the delicious positive fuel again when I allow a period of respite and the application of the golden period again? I am going nowhere but it does not harm to suggest to you that I might. It keeps you on your toes and ensures that I am able to exert control over you. I keep you guessing, anxious and confused and I also ensure that your fuel keeps flowing.

I also say this to make it sound like what we have is arduous and horrible. It is for you because I treat you badly but this is enjoyable. I get to do what I want, I am never wrong and you have to bear the brunt of my shocking behaviour towards you. It is a playground for me and I am not going to give that up. Never. Still, I want you always one heartbeat away from thinking that I am going to walk out on you, that you are not doing enough for me so you will try harder, you will avoid the egg shells more effectively and you will keep on trying and trying to please me. This is a great way of controlling you by threatening you with the loss of me although it is never going to happen. By a similar token, I want you a breath away from thinking that a breakthrough has been achieved, that I have seen clarity through the fog of malevolence and realise that this abusive treatment, this game-playing and inventive fabrications are at an end. You keep hoping that day is just around the corner, so you remain locked into your investment with me and you dare not give up, not now, not when redemption might be a week, a day or an hour way.

Accordingly, it you hear this, do not think that I am going to leave you. I am not. Do not think that I have realised what it is that I do and that it is wrong and must be stopped. I may well realise, but I will not stop.

I am just continuing to control you and seeking a reaction from you.

Of course, you are forbidden from ever saying these words.

13 thoughts on “I Cannot Do This Anymore

  1. Glassed says:

    HG Tuder please explain? I have been told this several times amongst many other things. He started a hugh fight just hours before we were to meet by just pulling some random shit out of the air. My head still spins. I panicked, called and called, text after text, email and got nothing except maybe one to two word reply. His friend, encouraged me to ask this guy what I could do differently that I ‘m presently not doing and that he needs.
    I was astonished bc this friend of his has realized how much he has also been conned by him and doesn’t trust him and felt v bad for how he witnessed and heard I was treated.
    I responded back, that I wasn’t the one that cheated and posted it on FB and I didn’t do anything wrong, he did the wrong and he belonged approaching me and taking accountability and being honest. I deserved being treated the right way and I wasn’t taking on his friend’s BS. Told him I ‘d rather be alone that be in a relationship with a liar, cheater and coward. I also told his friend I regretted pleading with this guy to talk bc I didn’t do the wrong and he could tell his buddy what I all said. I knew tht there are healthy gentlemen somewhere out there so I ‘m not taking his friends shit anymore.
    Well that was a week ago. Now I just received a text from the guy I was referred to and that I did have blocked bc I need to be done, this has devastated me tremendously. But I needed to read this blocked text he sent anyways bc the suspense was too great.
    The text stated ..Circumstances …due to comments and actions on your end have proven to me your decisions in the past three weeks that you have moved on ..so this will be my last goodbye to you ..I have put all your things together with your 4 wheeler ..

    I m stunned bc its indifferent to his last farewells! Am I to believe it’s over for good? I wouldn’t respond back bc I know how brutal each discard has literally destroyed me, so it needs to be done.
    I’m upset and so damn angry bc he turned it all on me, never held himself accountable, never aplologized for any of his deep betrayals. I know I should be elated in one sense. How do you tell someone they are the love of your life, there are no others and without even blinking point you in the direction of the dumpster and not even give you that boost to get in? How can they be wired so damn differently and be so callous but yet loved by so very many? What am I to now expect of him?

  2. S says:

    Are you familiar with the lyrics to Fuck Forever, HG? If not, you may want to give it a listen. I found it interesting when thinking about the lyrics in relation to relationships between narcissists & empaths. The song could be from the viewpoint of either side and not be incorrect. Which also goes with what seems to be the theme of the song…opposite on the surface, but somehow the same. Of course I realize that just because I found this interesting, doesn’t mean that you will…just a suggestion. Anyway, hope you’re having a wonderful weekend.


  3. brokenrainbow says:

    I hope the door smacks your ass on your way out.

  4. Deryl says:

    Hello HG, I have a question,

    if you post on instagram very often, almost every day and there is a narcissist, your friend who tries to flirt with you and he likes every photo you post for months but suddenly (after the party you both attended and had a nice time) he stopps doing it but in the same time he still keeps liking other friends and women posts (so it’s not that he gave up instagram or something) – is it a silent treatment? a corrective devaluation? can I assume that in his mind I did something wrong and it is a manifestation of cold fury? He is a mid ranger.

  5. J says:

    This is one area where I feel like I could and did beat my N. Whenever he would threaten to leave, I pointed to the door and said, “Then go.” (He never did.) I also became adept at using his insults of me to create more distance from him and, as a result, breathing space for myself. Example: Him: You ask too many questions. I can’t stand it! M is so better. She never does that. Me (unemotionally): You’re right. I know my questions can be so annoying for you. You should go so you can take a break from me. Why not give M a call?
    In my embattled state, I felt these were strategic responses for avoiding playing his game, but also creating distance from him that I used to get out. I wonder if HG could comment on your opinion of the bluff calling to at least regain one’s own voice in the interaction.

    1. Caroline says:

      “Why not give M a call?”

      Well, you sucked all the fun out of that one, lol! Nicely done… you steadily powered your way out. It seems like it’s that ability to hold onto some of your own power that’s key to empaths getting out — like momentum that builds, getting their core self stronger to resist the narcissist – and less likely to return.

  6. Wissh says:

    In our relationship I was the one who would say that. 🙄

    1. Em says:

      Me too Wissh. After virtually every meeting I tried to escape-and I would use those words. Then the push pull began until we met again.

  7. S says:

    While strains of Fuck Forever play in the background…

  8. pascaleshealingjourney says:

    I heard this quite a lot. It was another ploy to make me think as if it was all my fault if the relationship was not working out.

  9. Peanut says:

    I’ve heard it a million times ….. and then some!

  10. flutterbymorpho says:

    This is one tactic that doesnt get used on me.. not even to get my hopes up and then let me down..hes always been free to go! Hes always known that and he knows where the door is and I’ll even open it for him .

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