Shade
“It is quiet here isn’t it?”
“What do you want shade? Be gone.”
“Now, now that is not that very friendly is it?”
“I have nothing to say to you.”
“Perhaps, but I have much that I must say to you.”
“I will not listen.”
“Oh but you will, you have no hope other than to listen to me. Who shall I be? How about me? Do you remember me? You always said how my voice sounded like the embodiment of comfort, do you recall saying that? Do you? Do you remember how often you asked me to call you late at night and read to you until you drifted off to sleep? I did it willingly didn’t I? I read those words, those favourite passages of you until I could hear nothing until the soft sound of the breathing, regular and indicative that you had succumbed, at last to sleep? I imagine you would like me to do that now wouldn’t you? To hear my words of comfort once again. Would you wish to hear me speak again? No, my you have changed and yet you always said it was me that had changed? Perhaps I shall change. I shall be me instead; do you remember me now? Does this force remind you of me? I was better than her, you made it so clear that that was the case. Forget her and her bedtime stories, she treated you like a child didn’t she? I know what you really wanted didn’t I? I understood you didn’t I? How does it feel to hear my voice now after all this time? You’d thought this one was forgotten hadn’t you?”
“Shut up, I never forget.”
“Oh but you try to, you try so hard to forget me and all of the others.”
“No I don’t.”
“Please don’t lie, I can see through them now. I admit, I never used to be able to, but you were oh so very good at making your lies seem like reality. I had no idea. I was so in awe of you. You were everything I had ever wanted, but that is what you do isn’t it? You showed me yourself so I loved myself. It is clever, I must give you that and there is no denying you are very clever, the brightest and the best that I have ever met. Yet, what do you use this gift for? To wound, to maim and to cripple?”
“You do not trouble me shade, I know what you are.”
“Do you? That is good. For so long I thought you did not, but you are realising now aren’t you?”
“I have always known. I know everything.”
“Of course you do. You taught me everything. Yes, it is me now. How about that for a trip down memory lane. You taught me everything and yet I was the first of them all to realise wasn’t I?”
“It is you? Where have you been? Stop this, you keep shifting, it is unfair.”
“Oh I have always been here, always watching you. My you have become quite the polished article haven’t you? I always knew you were destined for greatness though. I was the first to know.”
“It is my right. You must not come here and mock me.”
“I am not mocking you. I love you. We all loved you. You know that because you gave us a perfect love.”
“Yes I did and do you see what you all did with it?”
“Now now, let us not play that game.”
“What game is that?”
“You are doing it already.”
“Cease your riddles, I am the doer, you are done to, leave me, I have much to do.”
“But I cannot leave you, you will not let me go.”
“I tell you now, leave, leave me be.”
“It does not change does it? You want me, you do not want me, yet here I am. You said that nobody is allowed to leave and you have me still. Does that not please you?”
“Not when you intend to mock me, no.”
“Yet he always mocked me.”
“Not another? Why do you plague me like this? You are no longer welcome.”
“You mocked me, you belittled me, you made me feel like nothing and all I wanted to do was to please you, why did you do this to me? Please? Tell me what I did wrong?”
“You come here now and seek those answers? You should have known. I showed you how you should be and then you failed me.”
“I did not fail you.”
“I did not fail you.”
“Nor did I.”
“Nor I.”
“Nor I.”
“Silence!”
“Such a favoured weapon of yours. How you tore me apart when you layered ice over our love.”
“Not you as well, what do you want?”
“I just want to know.”
“You come, you all come, masquerading as wanting to know the truth but I know you, I know your kind, I have you in my eye, you are here to torment me. I am no fool; I know exactly what you want.”
“We just wanted you.”
“Yes, you.”
“You.”
“I wanted you.”
“Just you. Nobody else.”
“Quieten your tongues you harpies, must you whirl about me, your soft words that are barbed and poisonous to my own ears? I command you, leave, leave me be.”
“You said you loved me the best and that you would never let me go.”
“You told me you loved me with a perfect love and that we would always be together.”
“You told me that you loved me unlike any love you had ever known and that nothing would tear us apart.”
“You told me that your love was pure and unblemished and would last for ever.”
“You told me that your love was beyond that of any other person and that I would bask in it until my dying day.”
“Do you see how you said all those of things to us? Promises, vows and declarations. We believed you and we still do, we still want you.”
“Then why come here and torture me?”
“Because you found perfection, you had the very thing that you always wanted and you let it go.”
“I did not.”
“You did.”
“No, I did not. You do not know, you think you do, but you do not know.”
“But we do know, we know better than you realise. You called us idiots, you called us fools, you called us morons and yet who is the fool now? Who had the one thing that he always wanted and let it go? Let her go?”
“Go to hell, all of you shades, go to hell.”
“Go to hell? We are already here aren’t we? With you.”
18 thoughts on “Shade”
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This is so perfect and true. Contradictions. It’s interesting hearing the two sides, and how the narcissist sees things in such a different way. Warped in contrast. It’s strange how they’re contented with themselves in one way, they like that they get everything they want, but it never means anything to them, because the only thing that matters is attention. The constant hunt and game and fooling is all their pleasure. I understand so much now about why he acts like he does from what I’ve learned here. His comments, ‘young girls don’t turn me on’, is him reminding himself that socially, he’s not allowed to, a boundary he doesn’t have inside, or ‘I don’t know, I just get bored easily’, means so much more than what a normal person would mean.
I think about all those times I basically caught him cheating All those convincing lies that he wouldn’t couldn’t do something like that. I was always accused. That gut feeling it all makes sense know. They lie with a straight face.
The picture has changed this time. Darker…..
HG,
assuming someone is a narcissist, and he is leaving town and boasts that he has a second good-bye party in a pub, with all his very, very good, great friends. And he posts a picture of that night on facebook with him in the center of attention and beer in hand.
But the person who was organizing this meet-up meeting, open for everyone, says, it had been a normal meet-up and that guy “came along”.
WHY would the narcissist twist reality in such a case, for what purpose? Also forgetting a prior engagement over that and giving this event as an excuse (or the other way round)?
And there are some narcissists who are more comfortable being with a group, and also after drinking a lot, yes? (As opposed to: my exnarc, who never drank and preferred to be with me alone.)
To accord with his grandiosity and sense of superiority and of course for fuel.
Thank you!
I need to study your works daily again to remind me better of the narc mindset ….
damn it! i seem to be crying, too………..
Interesting post. This may be a strange question but, did you really hear voices and had conversations with shades? If you did, was this part of the strange behavior that your family noticed in you and part of the reason they asked you to go to therapy?
Perfect!!??
Yet, how can this be? If you have no remorse, no regret, what wraiths could possibly haunt you?
Did I miss something?
Aka: The hounds of love
Narcissists will always be in hell. Unlike people who have a genuine inner self, narcissists are forced to feed on other people’s fuel to fill the bottomless void inside of them. They cannot live without other people. They need us as they are unable to fill themselves of their own fuel. Victimized Empaths at first start their journey in hell. As they are receiving an education from Tudor University, they begin to heal and realize the power was within themselves all along. The Victimized Empaths then become Survivors and Warriors as they shift from hell back to a world that feels a little more heavenly than before.
My mind is whirling around with thoughts. It’s like a peek behind the curtain in your private life with the negative fuel and criticisms rolling in on how you ruined something good.
The final “go to hell”…
Which is it?
I recently told NA, I think it was, that I heard one perspective that the wounded child is always hearing the criticism and the facade protects like a bodyguard.
So is the child who is emotionally stunted by their own abusive trauma not able to cope with the heavy, adult, intimate confrontation and so pushes away with the “go to hell”?
Or,
Is this Jung theory where the subconscious is always replaying the unresolved wounds to either figure out the resolution or have the opportunity to lash out at the person closest to you since you never could to MatriNarc?
It’s very clear you can’t cope with the why’s coming at you. Or hearing about what you said professing faithful love. Or pursuit to lead to something more.
We do see value in you. Our adult roles can’t go back in time to change how you were raised. We can’t serve that one purpose that Little HG needs to integrate and heal. But boy oh boy, we’d sure like to walk side by side with you in this chapter of your life to help bring peace and contentment. You don’t have to stay in Hell.
Clarece
You are correct. We can’t heal the Little HG although I am sure many of us would like to. I would love to see HG attain peace in his life as he has brought peace and healing to mine. I believe with his brilliance he can choose to find a different way rather than abusing.
I would like to meet his mother, HG’s mother.
This is a beautiful piece of writing HG
Thank you.
It has been said; two sides to the same coin.