5 False Promises


Words are our tools. They come readily to us and we much prefer them over actions as they use so little energy. We have no sense of guilt, remorse or conscience that we are easily able to make promises with no intention of ever keeping them. You on the other hand hate to break a promise and we know that your adherence to this means that the effect our broken promises is significant against you and will allow us to draw fuel. You will be familiar with the nature of the broken promises if you have danced with our kind already but you may not know what we actually mean when we say certain supposed promises to you. If this dance is new to you, not only will you not know what is being really meant when we whisper these words to you, but you may not realise that this promise will not be kept. Here are five of the most-used promises we issue, that we always break and this is what we really mean when we say them.

  1. I will always love you

I know that you love to hear such bold proclamations because they appeal to you as a love devotee. Indeed, you have been conditioned to believe strongly in the concept of love. I won’t always love you, in fact I will not even begin by loving you because I am incapable of feeling what you know to be love since it has been denied to me as an option. I understand what love is to you however because I am surrounded by people like you telling me what it means and it appears in books, on the television, on the internet, in films and advertisements. It is easy to understand what love means to you but impossible for me to feel it and therefore I can never love you. What I mean when I tell you this is that I am telling you what you want to hear so you will remain with me and provide me with the fuel that I crave. I am telling you that I will actually always want you so long as you give me what I need. My desire to be with you is entirely conditional on you furnishing me with fuel.

  1. I will repay you

I will borrow money from you because of my sense of entitlement since either I have none and I want yours or I have plenty and I still want yours. If I have no money I need it and therefore I will want to borrow it from you. I will of course promise to repay you in order to induce you to lend it to me in the first place. I will then make repeated promises to pay you: –

“I am a little short this month, I will have it for you next month.”

“I am due a bonus in two months so I will pay you from that then.”

“I had an emergency and had to use the money for that.”

“I am not able to work at present but since you love me you won’t mind waiting will you?”

“If you really loved me, you would not ask for it back.”

Those of our kind who lack financial resources want the money for obvious reasons but also in order to strengthen the link between them and you, so that you have reason to remain in contact with them and to allow them to trot out excuses and reasons which will eventually provoke you through exasperation, frustration, irritation and upset.

Those of our kind who have ample financial resources do not have any intention of making repayment. Instead we use this borrowing of the money as a bridge between you and I and as above it is all about keeping a hook into you.

When we promise to repay you, we will not do so. What we are telling you is that we want to create a method of ensuring you are connected to us and able to draw fuel from you.

  1. I won’t hurt you

Of all the broken promises this is perhaps the one which does the most damage. We are actually telling you this: –

“I won’t hurt you as long as you comply with what I want.”

It just so happens that we always omit the last nine words. We regard you as our appliance, an extension of our will and you are expected to do what we want. Provide potent positive fuel, succumb to our demands, run around after us, say yes when we want yes and no when we want no but you must guess which is correct. We want you obedient, compliant and submissive. Navigate your way through this maze successfully and you will not be hurt. Unfortunately, for you nobody is ever able to do this because you will always have to be hurt because we want fuel. You have to be hurt because no matter how hard you try you will always cause a criticism which will wound us and therefore we have to defend ourselves by lashing out and hurting you. You have to be hurt because there are even those of our kind, the malignant and the greater who delight in doing so.

The hurt will always visit you somehow.

  1. I will be faithful

We cannot be faithful. We need fuel too much. Although most of it will come from you we need it from other sources as well and this will result in our infidelity. Infidelity comes in many forms, just as fuel does. To some it may be sharing long and intimate conversations, to others it is a kiss, to others it is sexual touching and to others it is full blown sexual intercourse. Our desire for fuel combined with our massive sense of entitlement and our failure to recognise boundaries means that we will be unfaithful. Add to that our lack of accountability, our failure to feel guilt or remorse and you stand no chance of ever ensuring that we remain faithful.

We say this because you want to hear it. This is most often used after we have been exposed as committing an act or acts of infidelity and we are concerned that you will leave us and thus take away our primary source of fuel when we have not secured a replacement yet. We will pledge that we will be faithful moving forward in an attempt to prevent you from causing a cessation to our supply of fuel. These are empty words. We will be unfaithful within the week, maybe not even that long, just so long as uttering such a promise stops you from going.

  1. I will change

No I won’t. Even if I could, which is highly unlikely, why should I when there is nothing wrong with me. Everything I do is necessary to ensure my survival and my remaining elevated and superior. Just because you and others do not like the way that I behave does not mean that I have to alter what I am. I know however that you love to think that we can be cured of whatever ill it is that we suffer from. You want us to become better and different and naturally if this means we can get you to stay, do what we want and keep providing us with fuel we are content to tell you that we will change. We are experts at adopting false expressions of contrition as well to accompany this empty promise.

This vacant promise actually means

“I will carry on doing what I am doing and nobody will ever stop me.”




  1. And here it is, the real NC. I changed my job so no more need to talk to him at all. And just like I thought it will be, it was really hard to put that final block :((( Stockholm syndrome I would say! That thought of never ever seeing him again in my life, although we share some business acquaintances, made me cry a lot again. When I made that first cut of blocking him on all other means of contact but work it was hard, but like my therapist says, I subconsciously knew that a window (work) still remains so it wasn’t a complete feel of loss. Now it is. I have a beautiful family, and still here I am, not being able to be grateful for all that, but instead tearing myself apart for someone who doesn’t deserve it. The feeling of missing out sth won’t leave me be..or I don’t try hard enough, I don’t know. I can’t stop thinking about fucking him, since we have never done it But that look he was always giving me my Goood, I think one could cut passion between us with a knife! And logically I know that it’s more about me than him, that I was seeing me with this new pair of eyes and suddenly felt so wanted. He is on my mind while I make love to my husband, it’s horrible. And of course, he gave me one final message before I left – I am a beautiful person, he misses me, he hopes he will see me again one day… I know it’s only words but it still triggered a lots of waterworks :((( like, what if he really means it?? I got to get a grip, I am so sad and depressed right now.

    1. Trocadero, I wish I could say something that would make sense or comfort you. I know and feel your kind of pain so well. The fact that you (and I) never had sex with the narc makes it harder, because the ‘wanting and the longing’ keeps you hanging on. And how good to feel wanted, isn’t it? But it’s not you he wanted. It’s your fuel. I know now that he didn’t give a damn about me.
      No contact is the only way. And distraction. You’ll slowly get to where you realize you didn’t think about him all day.
      Take care Trocadero, crying is okay, it helps. Giving you a big hug xx

  2. Many months ago I had a conversation with my narc about his attitudes and behaviors towards his children. Back then I didn’t realize he was a narcissist. I knew his oldest daughter was one because that girl doesn’t take one breath without taking some form of fuel from someone and he, as her father, was one of the main enablers. Due to the type of attachment they have, I assumed that he was a co-dependent. But I am a co-dependent and I didn’t quite feel the way he does which some of his reactions didn’t quite match a co-dependent. There was no empathy, no understanding of his daughter’s pain, no understanding of the emotional component of the issue. At one given time I pointed 6 different emotions running through her face and he had this blank embarrassed stared saying that he had not notice one. The only thing he could recognize at times was her anger. At that point I had a blank stare on my face and I began feeling bad for noticing these emotions in her when he couldn’t.

    It was very confusing to me because he was acting based solely on his blind perception of the situation. It is like a blind person trying to drive but can’t see the road so he steps on the gas and simply goes running over everything and everyone. That’s how he made decisions.

    I told him that he was actually hurting his children by overindulging them, particularly this oldest one because as a 24 year old, she expects every guy to do the same for her. And she gets disappointed every time and the whole family pays. She is up to a very bumpy road ahead.
    His facial expression turned cold-stoned and he became irritated. Then he said that this is how he thinks it should be and that he is fully aware and comfortable with the consequences of his choices.
    My jaw dropped.
    I looked at him and said: well you seem very willing to assume debts of which you have no clue of the amount. Or don’t care because you think you won’t have to pay. You are signing a blank check.

    He looked at me and repeated the same sentence.

    At that point I realized that this is a guy who will do whatever he wants, when he chooses to do so, and for his own reasons. He feels entitled to it and no one will change his mind.

    Nothing you say or do can change a narcissist. Absolutely nothing.

Vent Your Spleen!

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.