To Have Not To Hold

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You can have our kind but you cannot hold on to us. We will not permit it. We are the archetypal individuals who you can experience, you can love, enjoy, cherish and so many other things but the one thing you may not do is hold on to us.

We allow you to have us because what we give you is constructed and comes at no great cost to us. Instead it allows us to gain. By being generous with our supposed love, passionate with our words, highly desirable with our sexual prowess, charming, flattering and everything else which you associate with out love bombing of you, we want you to have it all. We want you to have all of our charm, our magnetism, our illusion. We want you to drown in it, become engulfed by the blazoning lights and soothing sounds, swamped by the seductive desire that we sweep across you like a tsunami. You can have it all because the more we give you, the more likely you will be carried away by this tidal wave of false love. The more sugar we pour over you, the sweeter the golden period and the greater your addiction to us becomes. Naturally,the extent of how much you can have of us is governed by our energy levels and our capacity for control, so that the experience is all the more fuller should you be ensnared by a Mid Ranger than a Lesser and many times more intense should you fall prey to a Greater.

You can have all of our time because it serves our purposes. All of our focus is yours, you get our near undivided attention as we pull out all the stops to seduce and conquer. You can have our financial resources as we spend money on you (even when we may not have the money to spend on you – incurring debt or using someone else’s resources) , take you to places, book interesting days out, tempting nights out and utilise financial muscle, whether ours or borrowed from  bank or devalued victim, in order to let you have the full on magical experience that is being seduced by us.

We will grant you access to our friends, which of course is just allowing the façade to wrap around you and convince you of our bona fides, our supportive and attractive coterie all so giving of their time to you, praising us and welcoming you.

We will allow you to have a route to all of our favourite things, although of course this is manufactured in order to actually allow you to attach to your favourite things as we mirror your likes, your desires and your hopes back at you, but it is still giving of us.

The Somatic and Elite cadres will allow you to have us physically as the weapon of mass seduction that is sex, is rolled our to delight you. You are apparently given access to our most intimate of levels, in a series of steamy and orgasmic encounters as we utilise our well-practised sexual skills in conjunction with the whole orchestrated seduction of you to create an intense and mesmerising experience.

We may move you in, a supposedly generous act as we allow you to have closeness and regular time with us, all engineered of course to maintain our façade of pleasantry and reliability as you are bound closer to us. In some instances we perhaps allow you to have what could be considered the ultimate act of ‘having’ as we give you our seed or our womb for the purposes of the creation of new life.

Yes, by allowing you to have so much of us, we create the image of someone who gives, someone who sacrifices, who thinks of you before we think of ourselves and thus you, understandably, fall for this and truly believe you have us. You do have us but it is for, in the scheme of things, a fleeting instance. A mere moment in vastness of time and for all of its wonder and brilliance, you are allowed to have us but you cannot hold us.

We cannot allow this to happen because we will turn matters around, in order to ensure that our hunger for fuel is addressed, in order to cater for our slavish devotion to the maintenance of superiority and in order to assert our right to do as we please, when we please, how we please and with whom we please.

You cannot hold us. You cannot keep us. We regard ourselves as that omnipotent force that is not beholden to boundaries, constraints and bondage. You have no say over what we do. You are not there to impose your rules on us, keep us in check or prevent us from seeking out what we need in order to maintain our existence. Indeed, the prevention of you keeping us is material in ensuring that the threat of our departure is something that keeps you working hard to please us,to provide that fuel, be it positive or negative and to allow us to keep you just where we want you. We can keep a hold of you of course, that is the nature of the narcissistic covenant, but as usual, what applies to you will not apply to us and vice versa.

We make the decisions. We choose. We execute and operate. We are not there to be bound to one person and especially one which will invariably fail us. We consider ourselves as beyond such things and therefore the notions of faithfulness, fidelity and monogamy are cast out as evicted tenants from the House of Narc.

We want you to try to hold on to us, that is part of our game playing. We want you to strive to keep us, to exert your every waking moment to clinging on to us but it can never happen. We are programmed to reject that desire to keep us as you want us to be. There is no hope for it to happen, but we will give you that false hope, through the respite periods and the periodic resumption of the golden period. You are led to believe that you have managed to keep us, that you can continue to have us and to hold us, but it will not last and it cannot last because the concept of being beholden to you and just you will ultimately run contrary to our needs and as you are well-acquainted with the idea now, our needs must always come first.

We decide when we come back, we decide when the false love is shown to you again, we decide when you get to see us, get to speak to us and receive our attention, seduction, fury or disdain. We must behave this way to shore up our idea of being the one who calls the shots, who makes the decisions and pulls the strings because we dare not contemplate for too long what would happen if we allowed you to take hold of matters.

We will always let you have us, but you will never be allowed to hold us.

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21 thoughts on “To Have Not To Hold”

  1. Well, it is all good and fine but… there is a problem. I am not capable of enjoying the company of “normal” guys for a personal relationship. I have talked to these guys for a quite a while and I been to 3 different dates and I can get myself to like any of it. I get so bored out of my mind that I keep wondering what the hell I am doing there and why and I just want the dinner to end so I can leave. It is not the guys. It is me.

    This one handsome guy, the one I was really attracted to, began kissing me by the end of the night. I didn’t plan on doing that but since he started it, why not? Well, I felt NOTHING. Nothing. The man looks out of a magazine cover. Smells like heaven. Soft strong hands. Impeccable nails. Tall. I could melt into his arms and yet… I couldn’t get into him not matter how hard I worked my mind to. Of course I said nothing. I kept myself in check and responded the best way I could. I knew what I felt inside and that was nothing. There was no excitement. Anyways, I was actually amazed as to how he responded to me. That part motivated me to push forward a bit and see how high I could get him and yes, he was taken. If I wanted to…. Something that I never saw on my previous narcs. He was really into it. I could feel his focus, the way he responded, the change in his breathing, his voice, the way he touched me was wholesome. There was no mistake. I could feel his own emotions. I could feel his thoughts. I could look at his face and confirm. His eyes were full. He caressed me with his eyes. Gentle love. His fingers through my hair. Yet, I felt nothing. Worse, I kept comparing that exchange with my narcissist which upset me more. I got home and cried and I don’t cry easily. I felt I couldn’t breathe. I physically felt I couldn’t breathe because I am stuck in this. I don’t know but maybe some of you are better off than me if you have a normal guy who cares about you. I don’t and when one shows up I can’t grt into him.

    I began missing my narcissist but then it was not really him that I miss. I miss the intensity. The excitement, the high, the primal sexual desire. I never dated a normal guy. Maybe I should give it time.
    Last night I went to a Christmas party. There was about 30 guys in the room. Guess what happened? The one who was obviously a narcissist, yes, that one came to talk to me and I was SOAKING on that energy. Of course the guy loved the attention and so did I and for those moments my pain stopped. Respite. Until my friend nearly dragged me home. I feel confused and tired and hopeless.
    Time for another HG consult?

    1. I would say yes! There is no comparison to the intensity but dear Lord child, they are disordered! No matter what excitement you extract from these kind of relationships it is not worth it-you risk STI exposures (one thing that should resonate with anyone reading this-you sleep with everyone they sleep with behind your back-and all those in their history as well-which is likely in the 100s)! I am a medical professional and believe me, if you saw what I saw in the laboratory you would cringe, and value monogamy! If for no other reason, THIS ALONE should help people get out of these types of relationships! Cold hard logic, education, and physical risk from STIs. Do any of you believe a Narcissist would alert you they carried a STI prior to having a sexual relationship with you? No, they would not. They care not. Even those who are quite selective-you cannot tell by looking at someone what sort of infection(s) they carry. Some are permanent. We see all of these often in the lab-including HIV and Herpes, and HPV…which are permanent.

      Why subject yourself to every sort of betrayal and manipulation they can manufacture to destroy you? You need to stop dating and focus on your self worth. Respect yourself enough to not tolerate this sort of behavior. Even our dearest H.G. teaches us this.

      1. Thank you Empath. I come here to unravel my mind, my needs, my feelings… from those thoughts that I don’t share with anyone else.

        HG knows he is the only narc allowed in my life.

        For all that you have listed, I could never come back to my ex narc. Once you know, once you understand what it is going on, you stop being a victim and become a volunteer. Besides he disgusted me with his passive aggressive stupid shit. I despise that as I see it as weakness, cowardice. I can’t stand a coward. Besides he is a prostitute. Not in the literal sense but in the literal narc sense which makes me remember the last time we had sex and it was the lamest sex of my life. I mean if you are going to leave someone, at least give them the sex of a God on the last night together so that’s what they will remember, not some mediocre three minute thing. Argh.

        I am not volunteering. I do have my urges and cravings that are more related to what I thought he was, to the type of Dominant personality that I am attracted to than my ex himself.
        If I were to get snared again, he would have to be an elite narcissist and a good one because I have had two trying to dip their feet in my waters and failed miserably as they didn’t quite know what I am. They both got manipulated before they could even start the golden period with their stupid live bombing shit. I used their manipulations against them. I am not bragging. I am simply stating. But I know I am vulnerable. I am not stupid. I know what I am. I know it has no cure to what I am. To snare me in again, he would have to be one who could absolutely hide every bit of his poison from me because at the first sign of a red flag, I am out. Surgically and precisely out. I am in a point in my life that I don’t have time to lose with stupid games. If the guy doesn’t consistently deliver as I want, I have no problem in dismissing him. And you are right. That’s the point. I am respecting myself enough, my needs enough to not tolerate crap from any guy.
        I am not dating. I had three dates, aka, dinners. I am curious about “normal guys” and that has revealed a lot about myself, things that I couldn’t see without relating to others…. as the issue of not finding excitement. I had no clue it would happen until I experienced it. Hence, the reason I came here….
        But thank you for taking the time to write me. I do appreciate your concern and your words and take the advice given to a higher level than it seems st first.

    2. KM, yep…better call HG! It sounds like your ET is still too high for dating. Maybe wait a little while longer and try again. (With the magazine cover guy 😉)

  2. If only you knew how good it feels to really someone to trust them enough to be venerable even if it means you can get hurt
    I am glad I am an empath even at the worst times I still have the ability to love and that gives me more than I can explain to you

  3. Hello HG. I am an empath. I took the bait you fisherman casts. The hook is nearly killing me. The pain is excruciating. Now I fear I’m one of your kind as I fight for my life back. Will I succeed? Court date to be announced.

    1. Good luck, do all you can to have proof of the Narcissistic behavior. Having proof is the key to being believed when the facade of the narc is strong, as was mine.

  4. “therefore the notions of faithfulness, fidelity and monogamy are cast out as evicted tenants from the House of Narc”

    H.G., now that is a hilarious piece of writing! Also very true, but your expression of it-what a hoot.

  5. I don’t think we can HAVE or hold the narcissist. This is the most frustrating part of the dynamic to me. I want to MAKE things happen, not LET them happen. They are like a mirage. The closer you get, the farther away they go. Like a vapor. The magical dragon always goes poof!

    1. And why WOULD WE? I think that is what H.G. makes perfectly clear in his writing. If we DO, we shouldn’t. Run like hell, because there is NOTHING for you but eventual pain if you interact with them. No “golden period” is worth it, it is not reality and is not sustainable, only an evil illusion to con you for fuel. We should value ourselves enough to be no ones “appliance”‘.

      My sociopath kept me connected because his insane stories made me feel sorry for him. He heaved upon me so much heartache over his traumatic childhood and resulting emotional problems I worried sick about him all the time. I could never imagine that a grown man could weep uncontrollably and lie profusely about situations that other poor children actually suffer and make it his own story. To me there is more shame in that than simply lying to someone to toy with their emotions. That is one sick bastard.

      1. Empath, I don’t understand the whole playing the victim thing either. He figured out what your hot buttons were to make you emotional. Yes, very sick behavior.

      1. There was a bunch of French in the comments last night. Maybe we have a prolific French blogger?

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