The Emotional Sea – The Post Disengagement/Escape Battle Part One


Everything we do is regarding as a battle. It is a zero-sum game. What you lose, we gain. There may appear to be a “win/win” scenario during seduction but it is not the case. Believe me, we are getting what we want, The Prime Aims, foremost of which is control over you and positive fuel in huge quantities and the repeated binding as we draw you closer and closer to us. You are made to feel like a king or queen, but you will be deposed and beheaded or defenestrated in due course. You always pay for the golden period we shower you with.

We draw up our battle plans when we ready ourselves to seduce you. The Greater Narcissist adopts the approach of every battle is won before it is fought and operates through calculation, planning and a degree of instinct. The Lesser of our kind remain effective but they rely on being a blunt weapon, not possessing the intellectual finesse of Greaters. The lesser operates through instinct alone and relies on the visceral (unknown) need for fuel and control to drive his battle strategy. This is similar also for The Mid-Range Narcissists who also are driven by instinct although their approach is above that of the Lessers, aided by generally higher cognitive function. The Lesser is all about reaction and immediate response, an automatic adjustment, which is invariably successful because he has been blessed with those tools, blunt as they may be. The Mid-Range does have more subtlety with his reactions and responses, but they are no less instinctive.

Our engagement with you is not love. It is war. We conquer, overrun and blitzkrieg you into submission. We occupy you so that your heart and mind fall to us within moments. This army of occupation does not stop there as it raids the land it now resides in. Your resources become our resources and we ensure that our supply lines are fed from your assets.

The occupation eventually takes a savage turn through devaluation as we slash and burn, looking to grind you into the dirt before leaving you a stripped, bomb-blasted shell and setting off for a new campaign against some unsuspecting target. The theme of battle and your entanglement with our kind being a battleground, is one which is repeated throughout your engagement with us.

This is especially so once the callous disengagement has taken place. Disengagement is most common with the Intimate Partner Primary Source (wife, husband, cohabitee, partner, boyfriend or girlfriend), although it can happen with Intimate and Non-Intimate Secondary Sources, but it is rarer. Those secondary sources are more usually treated in a shelf manner, however the emotional battle is applicable to those in the relevant dynamic of secondary source with the narcissist. It is then that you find yourself confronted with three battles which take place one after the other. Not only do you have us as your foe but in an especially unappealing turn of events you find that in fact you are actually fighting against yourself. The first battle following disengagement is the emotional one.

You have been left with no explanation. If one was tendered it made no sense. You cannot reconcile where you are with what has been. The descent from gilded pillar into the dust has been swift and merciless. Whilst we (usually) do not set out to destroy you, it may feel that way to you or that has occurred as a collateral consequence of the pursuit of The Prime Aims. Every day you have run the gauntlet of scores of emotions, which has drained you, eroded you and taken a significant toll on your well-being.

Your emotions are red raw, heightened and easy to trigger. Your pain is extensive, agonising and brutal and it is during this emotional battle that your ally of cool, detached thinking has not fled the battlefield, it never turned up to begin with. Your ability to assess, rationalise and consider you position with the necessary critical analysis evades you.

All you are left with is a cauldron of emotion, which serves only to heighten your distress and your confusion. Nothing makes sense and you have not been left in a position to make any sense of what has happened. This is entirely deliberate and is put in place by the narcissism. It is consciously deliberate where you are dealing with a Greater Narcissist and unconsciously deliberate where you are dealing with a Lesser or Mid-Range Narcissist.  I know so many of you use the phrase “hot mess”. This is entirely apt. You are a mess. Your life is a mess. The heat comes from your raging emotions as you veer between hysteria and anger.

Of the three battles that you fight post disengagement, the emotional battle, the first, is the one which you invariably end up losing. This is because you are utterly ill-equipped. If you were an army your troops would be sharing guns, you would not know which way to face, your supply lines have been overstretched and, in some places, broken and the enemy seems to appear at will. The fog of war obscures your vision. Is that us advancing or just the silhouette of a tree? You cannot tell.

Once you could, but no longer. It is a tortuous place and one which has been created through our design in order to ensure that when we return (and we will) you will be in no position to resist. Weakened, governed by emotional thinking rather than intellectual logical thinking you will be overrun easily. Intelligence is now defence, this is not about intelligence but the fact that your emotional thinking is far too strong for what little logic may exist.

This battle, where all you have is emotion, means that you want the pain to stop. You want the golden period again. You give no consideration or thought to what the price of such desires might be, or whether it really is the golden period once more. You are ruled by emotional thinking and this proves to be your downfall. We know this (Consciously or Unconsciously) and this is why our narcissism ensure syou are a churning, broiling scorching crucible of emotion. Our narcissism creates it, we want that. This is why your first attempt at no contact (without the benefit of specialist input form me) nearly always falls.

You are not equipped to prolong it because in this emotional battle all it takes is for us to come galloping over the hill once again, offering terms of the golden period and you surrender in an instant allowing us to occupy your territory once more in the understandable but ultimately forlorn hope of a peaceful co-existence.

As you drown in the emotional sea once again, you will feel a rescuing hand grab you and haul you out. Your relief is immense. The rescuing hand belongs to us and such is the effect of your emotional thinking that you will return into our grasp. The hoover that we deploy as we rescue you from the emotional sea succeeds so readily because you want to escape the turmoil and the quickest way to do so is to return to us.

What makes it worse is that as your rescuer we grant you a new golden period and thus your emotional thinking cons you further by telling you that it was absolutely fine to go back because ‘look everything is as it once was’. You have been rewarded for agreeing to return and therefore that was the right decision wasn’t it? Your emotional thinking rules supreme again as it cons you into thinking that this is the best outcome.

Your immersion in the emotional sea has permeated throughout you, any logic that was trying to gain a foothold to make you see clearly has been flooded out. Logic cannot make itself heard and you are drawn back into our grasp once again.

How do you win this first emotional battle? You cannot. You are in such a position that we always win this battle. The key however is not to participate in this battle but rather avoid it altogether. If you know there is a battle you cannot win, why would you ever fight it?

You would not. You would evade your foe, take steps to bolster your defences and seek to avoid this emotional battle. This is what you must do. Once you have gained awareness of the foe you are engaged with, possibly during seduction or more likely through the period of devaluation, you must then take those steps to prepare yourself. You either avoid the emotional battle altogether by escaping rather than being disengaged from (discarded). Alternatively, you steel yourself for the inevitable disengagement so that the emotional fallout is massively reduced and instead you find yourself transported to the second battle that takes places post discard which I shall expand on next.

If you have been disengaged, then you face the emotional battle and you will lose. You must avoid the emotional battle in its entirety or engage on terms in the second battle which follows post disengagement.

Audio Consultation

How do you eventually avoid this first emotional battle?

How do you start to journey across the emotional sea rather than continue to drown in it?

You use my work.

My work, works.

You are here. It is time to GOSO, get out, stay out.

Once you see, you become free.

15 thoughts on “The Emotional Sea – The Post Disengagement/Escape Battle Part One

  1. Veronique Jones says:

    Yes I have lost this battle every time until I found you I didn’t understand that anyone could be so cold and I still struggle to accept it , looking for the good in people is my nature so I can fool myself I am starting to feel empowered with the truth about your kind it’s an understanding that it is not something wrong with me but a pain inside your kind one that I can never heal no matter how hard I try

  2. WhoCares says:

    “Defenestrated” is a fun word…at first I thought; related to ‘deflower’?
    Then I looked it up and I was like – Ohhh…interesting etymology as well…

    1. MB says:

      WC “defenestrated” is my all time favorite HG word! I smiled when I saw it in this article. Well, not HIS word per se, but learned from him. It’s a difficult word to work into normal conversation. Believe me, I’ve tried!

      1. WhoCares says:

        “It’s a difficult word to work into normal conversation. Believe me, I tried!”

        You’re too funny, MB.

        Yes, I could see that as a challenging task…hehe…at least ‘defenestrated’ is easy to remember for future use…MB, is this something you do regularly with newly learned words off Narcsite?

        1. MB says:

          WC, yes I do. I try to use new words so they stick. I’m a nerdy fan of Prof Tudor’s vocabulary. Jealous of it actually. I can never read or recall as much as he does if I lived 200 years!

      2. windstorm says:

        Yeah, you can’t even threaten defenestration here since all our buildings are single story. I like the word because it’s the same in French.

  3. nikitalondon says:

    Everyone who has gone through a tough breakup should read this series

  4. Kel says:

    Oh but what a difference it makes when you’re educated about narcissism and over them. None of their manipulations phase you. If there’s no passion or even anger, then they can’t worry you, criticize you, triangulate you, or devalue you, and they can’t win. I knew him well before, and now I know him thoroughly. Today at the office, he chatted pleasantly with me, complimented me, snuck in what used to be little jibes pleasantly, showed me a pie someone had gifted him, though he won’t eat it, and told me I should do things like that (he’s the big boss). So I went out and got him something he will eat from a gourmet bakery, put a bow on it, and he thanked me, kissed me on the cheek. Later I think maybe he attempted a present no contact, not sure. It’s just that it’s all mechanical to me, I don’t feel anything or care about any criticisms. What I do feel is free.

    1. Kel says:

      I meant he might have attempted a present silent treatment.

      He knows I’m allowing him to be superior.
      I’m not criticizing him. I’m pleasant.

      It was a little awkward for me talking with him since I’ve been all about no contact as much as possible, but I have to say, I’m okay. I don’t even feel poisoned tonight, and I have no thoughts of him, other than commenting here. I’m getting back my life and other people. It’s nice.

    2. Kel says:

      You know what? I just realized his jibe was just a distraction! I never notice it when it’s happening because I’m sidetracked by what he’s saying. I was wearing flats that day instead of heels, and he said I was getting shorter as I grew older (after telling me I’m really good looking for a 65 year old- Ha Ha, Not even close to my age, my birthday last weekend, so age jokes). He was standing very close to me sizing up my height- but he was sidetracking me – looking down at my bust from above as he enjoys doing! I never catch it until it dawns on me later. But knowing that now, just makes it even easier not to pay attention to his jibes, they’re all about distraction or provoking.

      1. windstorm says:

        Happy Late Birthday!

      2. Kel says:

        Thank you Windstorm!

      3. mommypino says:

        The Somatic handyman did something like that to me after the major silent treatment. I complimented the work that he did to try to appease his anger. I told him that my husband and I thought that he did a great job, everything looks nice. And he was standing square in front of me. He is 6’2 and I’m only 5’3 and was barefoot at that time. He was looking me in my eyes, not blinking, flat expression as I was complimenting his work and feeling uneasy. I started to move side to side while carrying my baby girl out of nervousness and cradled her in a vigorous way to cope with my nervous energy and also I was looking away to avoid his eye contact then all of a sudden he errupted into laughter while looking at my chest. I was perplexed looking at that weird reaction from him. He looked at my baby to pretend that she did something funny but I was just looking at him so bewildered with everything. Now I know my movements and facial expressions gave him fuel.

      4. mommypino says:

        Belated happy birthday!

  5. Mike says:

    This is 100% accurate. Even after I as fully aware my ex was a narc, I lost the emotional battle and stopped no contact. Now I am more informed thanks to HG and realize I will never win the emotional battle. Also, the fact that narcs can discard long term partners (decades) with no emotion and stone cold, should be all you need to know in terms of what you are dealing with. Normal people can’t walk away from 26 years stone cold, nothing, zero emotion. Narcs can……easily.

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