The Sense of Loss

THE SENSE OF LOSS

People always struggle with loss. It might be at the top of the scale where you have suffered a bereavement and lost a well-loved family member. It could be the loss of your home where you have lived for twenty years, owing to damage or repossession. It may be the loss of your job, a loss of good health all the way down to something far less important but a loss never the same, of your favourite restaurant when it closes or your daily caffeine injection from a coffee shop because you are economising. Take something away from someone and they will experience sadness, frustration, upset, anger and sometimes confusion. Since people are governed by emotions rather than cool, hard logic, the loss of something often has a devastating and traumatic effect, especially in respect of major losses such as a spouse or partner. Once upon  a time your parents seemed as if they would live forever. They were always there. They raised you, guided you and supported you. They let you find your own way through life but if ever you needed them they were always there to listen and help and then one day you find they have gone and you are left with a huge black hole in your life. Your best friend who you have known for over twenty-five years was a huge part of your life. You spoke daily, laughed about your younger selves and the scrapes you got into, supported one another and cruised through life like the dynamic duo until they have gone and you feel a massive void since their departure to the next life or another continent, dependent on the circumstances. Remove something from a person’s life and they are left with hurt, despondency and despair. This is all the more so when it is something or someone wonderful and delightful. Then the emptiness becomes a howling wilderness.

Of course we are fully aware of how loss affects people from our repeated study of people. We also know that being able to gift someone something wonderful and then remove it, is a sign of considerable power. A power that can be wielded with considerable effects. The power of withdrawal,even if just threatened, can bring about an extreme reaction in the subject. This is something we are fully aware of and something which we take advantage of.

We gave you everything in the beginning. We provided you with a love beyond compare, a dizzying array of compliments, a barrage of desire and a tsunami of flattery. We raised you up, higher and higher and sprayed you with affection, passion and generosity. The light was bright, warm and golden and we let it shine every day just for you. We allowed you to bask in this golden period of utter ecstasy and in return you gave us everything that you had in pursuit of the maintenance of this golden period. Without warning we withdrew it. The door was closed and the shutters lowered and once where you had walked happily and freely you too found yourself transported to the howling wilderness where you stood alone beneath grey, leaden skies as a cold and unforgiving wind whipped around you. It felt like someone had died.

Whereas once we uttered such sweet, sweet words to you, there is now only silence. The reassuring embrace of our arms and lips has somehow vanished and you feel stripped and vulnerable. All of the places we took you to and shared seem so distant and you begin to wonder whether they really happened. Alone and distraught,you wander this wilderness searching for us. Occasionally you catch a glimpse of us but in an instant we have disappeared as you stumble along. The kindness has been removed. The long nights of sexual congress which went beyond anything you have experienced before has been taken away, leaving your bed a cold,hard slab where rest is to be endured rather than enjoyed. If we even grace you with our presence in that place where we once coupled each and every night, a writhing mass of limbs and mouths that explored and pleasured, all you know now is our back which is defiantly presented to you each night. That’s if we even come to bed at all. The spare room or the sofa seem to attract us more than you these days.

We know that taking away this passion, desire, interest, largesse and kindness is like a hammer blow. It is as if we have died but yet you can still see us, touch us and hear us which makes the sense of loss even greater and all the more confusing. Like a pet-owner dangling a bone in front of a salivating puppy, we occasionally open the shutters and allow the golden period to return and the joy and the relief which washes over you at the restoration of his oh most glorious time is electrifying and so is the extent of your gratitude and delight. Yet it is ephemeral. It is like a wonderful dream that has transported you away from all the hurt and misery, but just like a dream when you open your eyes in the morning, it has gone.

The power that comes with withdrawal and your predictable reaction to it, mean that it is a method of manipulation that cannot be ignored. To bestow and then deny has you caught in the strings of our puppetry as we jerk you back and forth between granting those things that you desire the most and then taking them away from you. Your reactions and the control this grants us means that it is so simple yet so effective and something we can never withdraw from doing.

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21 thoughts on “The Sense of Loss”

  1. Holidays approaching,on the low again.. 🙁 my sadness is replaced by a huge feeling of emptiness. My therapist says that it’s necessary to go through this stage of depression to be able to heal,and that this is the best moment to work on my childhood issues now, and not to search for another drama to live through just so that I can escape this feeling. In that sense we are similar to the narcs, always streaming to an outside confirmation of us being worthy ,and it has to come from inside…but having been a DE and having nobody that I can vent to at these low points,no better place than this. So here I am now contemplating how we walked for hours at -5 before he kissed me for the first time,arpund same time last year,under all those Christmas decorations in the streets 🙁 and how the annual New Year’s party in the company is approaching and that he will certainly find some brand new sources,all shiny and dresses up,to ‘fall in love with’. And how,after all I have learned here, he is zero thinking of me and having fun while here I am,having to work on myself and endure this hollowness on daily basis. So fucking unfair :/

    1. Trocadero..been there he came back .it does not get better try stay no contact …its not fair that they move on so quick but yout seeing this already, im still suffering and I was an IPss for many years. Im trying to do one day at a time, sounds like your therapist is doing a good . We can do it !

      1. Thanks Blondie, I hope we really can heal ourselves so that we don’t strive any more for these toxic relationships in our lives..I have a life I always wanted for myself, the family that I’ve pictured,the job I totally found myself into,and still it wasn’t enough 🙁 obviously sth wrong with me,and if I don’t found a way to feel whole all by myself,nth is ever going to be enough. Even the Narc himself,even if he magically turned into a person I am fantasizing him to be, I would search for new sources to confirm my existence. In that way,I am apparently no different than the Narcs themselves! So let this journey continue and with the happy ending I hope!

  2. Hi all ..just wondering if anyone here has experienced becoming very negative about themselves and life during and after an narcissistic relationship… Is this quiite common ?
    I feel its normal.now to.be like this and my own family keep saying how im.so negative .any comments would be appreciated.

    1. Blondie
      I think it is normal to be negative when you are engaged with a narcissist and during the aftermath, as well. Just vent all your feelings here or with a trusted friend IRL until you exorcise them.

      You have the right to be negative and you have the right to be heard and it would be nice if your family supported you. And don’t apologize for your feelings ever, if your family or others don’t like them then that is their problem not yours.

      1. Thanks K really needed to hear this.My family I think are trying to help me by pointing this out and they are right Im so defensive and get into petty arguments when I feel my side is not been heard..think the narc had huge impact on my emotions and you do think it is you who is the problem. I was cut off with silent treament .happend constantly but with HG ‘s help getting through it Im no contanct now.

      2. My pleasure Blondie
        When you don’t feel heard, it is natural to get defensive. It is very important to feel understood and validated.

        I don’t think it is you who has the problem. Honestly, most people just don’t understand or even know about NPD and that is frustrating in itself. Keep up the no contact and reading and you will get all your answers and validation here.

    2. Blondie
      I’d think it’s very common to become very negative about yourself both during and after a narc relationship. After all, you are being abused, denigrated and made to think you’re not normal. Then when either you or the narc ends the relationship, you’re left to wonder what’s wrong with you that you couldn’t make it work and often you feel like a failure.

      1. Thanks windstorm..great to know this as l was constantly being called negative towards the end by him..l was negative as he kept moving the goal posts and I was so confused. Am no contact now for 3 months .I do feel that getting back to my oldself will take alot of work.

      2. Blondie
        The reason you can’t trust them when they say something about you is that there are too many ways it can benefit them to lie.

        Whether they tell you complements or insults or ways you could improve yourself, there always are ways that saying this to you benefits them. That’s always their real motivation. It actually has nothing to do with you. There is always an ulterior motive to benefit themselves.

        I thought in your original question that it was your non-narc family that was being negative. Take anything they tell you with a grain of salt. Odds are high that they don’t know or don’t understand what all you’ve been put thru by the narc. They may well even believe his lies to them about you or the relationship. Even if they really love and care for you, it’s difficult for them to understand something that they have never experienced.

    3. Ditto to what K and Windstorm so wisely said. This whole experience has changed me, Blondie. I can’t help but see at least a few narcissistic red flags in most guys that I engage in conversations with… leaving me to think that all men are basically the same.

      I know that is not true, but the negativity that erupts after an “involved” engagement with a narcissist will leave most of us on guard – high alert, actually.

      It makes me feel as if my empathetic side has diminished and my own narcissistic streak has widened. I’m incredibly alarmed by this at times, then at other moments, I relish in feeling cocky and aloof. I want my narcissist to see that despite his claim of always winning, he lost this one.

      Yet, as much as we all want to believe that their treatment of us resulted in THEIR loss, we often feel negatively about ourselves not only because of the disparaging ways in which they treated us… which would beat anyone down… but we also feel disgusted at ourselves for not listening to our intuition, for “allowing” someone to treat us negatively. One of the hardest components for me to reconcile with myself has been the sensation of feeling so stupid – stupid to have been fooled once, but even more to have stayed/went back as often as I did… even knowing what he was!

      He lured me back with promises that never came true. So that only magnified my negativity towards my own judgment.

      It’s normal to feel angry, then sad, followed with great empathy for your narcissist… then hatred mixed with thoughts of pure love. You’ve heard it a hundred times, but this experience is a true emotional rollercoaster. Hopefully though, by the time the ride is over, we will have reach the destination of indifference.

      That’s when we will know that we have arrived. Not without scars, but perfectly healed. 😊
      Best wishes to you, Blondie.

      1. BurntKrispyKeen
        Great advice! Loved this line:
        “Hopefully though, by the time the ride is over, we will have reach the destination of indifference.”.

        I’ve reached that destination with some of my narcs, but not yet with others. But indifference is the goal!

      2. Thanks Burntcrispykeen.. wise words thanks.It is for sure a rollarcoaster ride which is exactly how I felt…it really helps being on here where others get it .most friends judt dont.Here’s to moving forward and better things.

      3. Thank you, Windstorm. 💗

        Thank you, Blondie. Yes… most people don’t get it. Unless they’ve had an involved interaction with a narcissist, which usually requires an intimate or familial interaction, they can’t possibly understand.

        We’ve all lived it and can barely make sense of it! I don’t share much with my friends because it is too difficult for an outsider to see the logic in why we do what we do. Plus, I’m completely ashamed for them to know.

        That’s why you’re in good company here, Blondie. It is a safe place to share your experience and express your feelings. There is much commonality. Not that this is your dream club, but Narcsite allies understand better than those unscathed normals ever could. ☺

    4. Hi Blondie,

      I hope you are well and have had a good few days since you posted.

      I am in the same boat, Miss Negativity now, I used to find joy in simplest of pleasures.

      Now Miss Angry, I have literally have zero tolerance for anything. My anger is actually scaring me. I almost want revenge and ruin the relationship he is in now. Not to have him back. But as a reap what you sow as payback for the damage he caused to me.

      It does make you question everything and everybody and their motives.

      Try and use this time and for self care, rest, read, sleep, bathe, paint your nails.

      Probably don’t watch shite Christmas films that will have you either crying that relationships happen like that (they don’t) or will make you angrier telling the TV to f*ck off every 2 minutes

      We feel deep, we hurt deep, it’s maybe a longer recovery time because nothing is superficial to us.

      Our nature is both a blessing and a curse.

      Take care

      1. Wow..thankyou orginal overthinker for this” Miss Negativity ” thats me !! I went around asking people am I a negative person?. No was the answer but my close family did coment I had changed and was defensive took everything personally and was bitchy..truth is I’d become that to anyone very close to me as I new they could hurt me… Trying to delete narc from the brain but feeling the loss. He has moved on Im sure but Im no contact and with the support on here I will stay that way. Hope you are doing well too hard when it is coming up to christmas I know

  3. I learned what a narcissist was many years ago when I had a committed relationship with one, and knew from that experience that silent treatments are the hallmark of the narcissist. The dark day when Narc Friend started his silent treatment on me is etched in my memory, because it was undeniably apparent at that point what he was and the full import of it hit me all at once. Everything up to that point had been circumstantial. I felt like the person I knew died and literally went through stages of grief.

  4. You gave nothing. You take everything.

    You victim groomed. It is not seduction, idealisation, infatuation, or love bombing.

    Do not blame your mother for what you are. It is strictly you and your decisions to commit emotional crimes.

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