The Last Word


I often reinforce how the key to understanding who you have been entangled with and therefore maximising your own prospects of moving on is to comprehend that we operate from a different perspective from you. That is why so much of what we say and do appears odd, irrational and downright perverse to you, yet completely normal and understandable to us. One of those ways in which the perspective affects the dynamic between my kind and your kind is the fact that we always want the final word. Now, of course, it may have occurred to you that since we regard the Narcissistic Relationship as one which lasts forever, how can there really be a last word? Once again, this does not matter to us and this highlights the contradictory nature of the way by which we behave. We are the ones in control and we must always exert that state of affairs. Therefore, within the Formal Relationship we want the last word in any discussion or argument. We want the last word when issuing our opinion about something. We want the last word when the Formal Relationship has been brought to conclusion. Indeed, even if you end the Formal Relationship and escape us we will still maintain that we had the last word and we ended it. We will skew the situation to maintain our control and sense of power, irrespective of what might actually have happened. This causes confusion, frustration and astonishment for you, which of course is all good fuel to us.

The need for the last word is also a device which is designed to set us on a collision course with your kind. You also want to have the last word. You want to be able to say your piece. You feel that it is only right that you are heard. You believe it to be a fundamental part of any relationship that you are heard and because you find yourself so annoyed, upset and frustrated with the way that we operate, this desire to have the last word, set us straight and assert your position becomes all the more important to you. If the Formal Relationship has ended, you also want to have the last say. You want to let us know what you really think of us. You want to make some last plea to the normalcy you believe still lurks somewhere inside of us. You want to make us hear you, listen and somehow accept that we are wrong and you are right. This desire of yours to say the last word is considerable and flies in the face of our own desire which of course leads to conflict, drama and opposition, all of which creates fuel which is what we want. You are left infuriated if you cannot have your say. You are furious if you have been denied the chance to articulate how you feel. You are upset that your desire to say what you want to say has been ignored, disregarded and treated in a roughshod manner. You want finality. You want some kind of closure and having the last say as we both stare at one another across the smoking ruins of our Formal Relationship is something which matters to you tremendously. We know this. This is why we make it so damn difficult for you to achieve, either talking over you, shouting you down, walking away or just disappearing. You feel cut-off, denied, unfulfilled and this gives us both Thought Fuel and Proximate Fuel if we stay to witness the reaction.

The need to have the last word also leads to you being susceptible to being hoovered because you feel that there are loose ends which need tying up. We know this and rely on it to keep you hooked and providing fuel to us without ever allowing you to tie up those loose ends correctly. It is all part of the way we continue to manipulate you. No doubt you have found yourself in such a situation. You may now have moved on and know that the last thing you ought to do is engage with us in this way, no matter how tempting it might be. You have learned it will only result in fuel, if handled incorrectly and at worse you might even succumb to our charm once again and be sucked into the Formal Relationship again. Yet the desire to say those things you wish you had been able to say all that time ago or even more recently remains strong and powerful. Of course what you might say now would perhaps differ from what you might have said back then, when you did not know better than what you know now. You did not know what you had been entangled with, nor how you had been manipulated and thus your words would take on a different form compared to if you said them now, armed with knowledge and understanding.

Think back, when the need to say those last words arose, if you could have said them, at the time, what would they have been?

10 thoughts on “The Last Word

  1. myriflemyponynme says:

    He got the last words : “Je suis ton chien…” – “I am your dog…”. Let it go.

  2. wissh says:

    I was more than happy for him to have the last word. Our last communication was via text. He texted me, my response was silence. And that was that.

  3. Caity says:

    Great article! I did get the last word or words. After being a ‘student of H G’s for over a year, I realised something and when I figured it out, I used it. I asked my (midrange) narcissist in an email if he realised that he was always playing the victim. I pointed out very clinically that in everything he said, every song he sent when he was trying to say something, he always chose words, comments, songs etc. that painted him or his life with a whitewash of victimhood.

    I also noted that everyone in his life had to be a ‘victim’ too or he couldn’t get on with them. He had to be seen as the strong one in the face of adversity because he got some weird ‘admiration’ kind of thing from it and as much as he would say he hated to be pitied, that was exactly what he thrived on.

    I was very observational about it, not attacking at all, knowing of course he would feel attacked. He read it (I have mail tracking) and didn’t respond. It was like ripping off a mask. Will he try to Hoover again? Perhaps. But I think it will take years if he ever bothers again. Kinda hard to change your entire dialog, one you’ve always used, to Hoover someone. I wouldn’t even have to respond (and I wouldn’t obviously), he knows I know his tricks…and they aren’t worth listening to anymore. They bore me, I don’t and couldn’t admire him…basically, he’s just a non-entity. I made it just too much of an energy drain for him to bother.

    Yep, it felt grand.

    1. BurntKrispyKeen says:

      Hello, Caity…
      I enjoyed reading about your experience. Mine also played the victim, and I just had to point that out to him, too! I know it was futile, but it sure felt good. Similarly, mine also had to present himself as the “strong one” … proclaiming that he “always comes out on top.”

      I sense that you might be from the UK or close to that region? Just curious… even if we are separated by huge bodies of water, they are (for the most part) the same. 😏

  4. BurntKrispyKeen says:

    To his face I told him, “I won’t be back.”

    As many times as I escaped, he needed to be the one to push me away (even though he routinely accomplished that task). But once I uttered🔝those words, he somehow obtained HIS moment to discard me. The one-half-second-microexpression on his face showed complete surprise, but he didn’t miss a beat in telling me that he didn’t want anything from me and that he was actually “saving” me from himself.

    So afterwards, I thanked him (in text) for setting me free.

    I had waited a very long time for him to do right, be decent. He somewhat tried, but now I know that he simply lacks the skills and basic ability.

    Periods of “no contact” were crucial… just to have that time to clear my head and detox from his labile mood – excessive charm followed with moments of contempt. But for me, it was those periods of going back to interact with him that helped me just as much.

    Often, it takes multiple looks to truly see.

    As his masked slipped, I saw more and more of his true identity. By the time his mask came crashing to the floor, I was able to fully believe him when he told me that “people are objects to be used.”

    I know that I’m still vulnerable though. He will slowly start to become humble and sweet again.

    But after enough of his mistreatment, I finally asked myself, “What am I getting out of this relationship, even if I try to only be his friend?” I gave and gave, yet I received… struggles to get out of bed, swollen eyes from prolonged crying and an uncharacteristic desire to stare at my feet when in a crowd. Once I broke free enough to want to start fully engaging in conversations with others, MY mood started to shift.

    Though it is incredibly narcissistic for me to say such, I want him to know that I can stay just as busy juggling “supply” as he can… and I don’t have to peruse personal adds to find what falls in my lap. And even though I’m not always impressed with the quality that comes my way 😕 … without breaks from my narcissist, how would I be able to open myself up enough to even discover these possibilities?

    I want every narcissist to see that there’s plenty of empathetic fuel out there for us too.

    “Thank you for your silence” …. that’s what I want him to hear.

  5. DebbieWolf says:

    What an article this is!

    Sooooo validating… The understanding is so comforting in this.. I remember being absolutely furious…I mean explosive and needing to get everything out on that table and right the wrongs….!

    Oh man, yes I remember that horrendous feeling.. and it felt like insanity being frustrated when furious.. I found a way through and I did get to have my say in various ways but not in many…and it was absolutely pointless and futile and went round in circular arguments and word salad.

    Omg… It was just so horrible so vile that feeling… Literally Fury in a bottle and a cork being held in by him doing his worst..

    Thank God I’ve learnt here how to cope with that…. If it should occur going forward with some new involvement… Hopefully not but at least I’ve got that.

    But just to say having the understanding of exactly how I felt is a comfort still.. and the article is so accurate that I find it to be completely validating. That gives me peace.

    HG you have the ability to reach the exact spot… Time and time again… Even after all this time..👍😎

  6. Veronique Jones says:

    I did say them I questioned why I said what are you dating because it completely humiliated me and he said he was embarrassed and Said you were embaarased how did you think I felt The situation was very personal he didn’t respond he just glared at me with those black eyes normally green with a rage I had never seen in him Then three years of malignant Hoover’s he tried very hard to and can come very close to breaking me Eventually I got a lawyer involved and he now has initiated no contact so good I really I’m fed up with people like him and I refused to be control 😊

  7. insaneempath says:


  8. Michelle says:

    I sent my Narc Ex a long list of things he did in our relationship that disappointed me and why I wasn’t sad to see him go. He received the message, then blocked me on the messenger platform before he even read it. So much for the last word.

  9. Leslie says:

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