All I Want For Christmas Is Fuel


Welcome to December.

Christmas is on the horizon. A veritable fuel frenzy for my kind and a period anticipated with dread by many of our victims. There are those who know only too well the behaviour that will be engaged in which will cause Christmas Day and the surrounding days to descend into misery and chaos. They fear the encroaching festival having endured it year after year. There are others who may be in that first difficult year after their discard and will look back on how Christmas with the narcissist, that first Christmas exceeded any Christmas which had taken place beforehand. Everything was perfect. From the gift shopping together, the family parties, the romantic walks in the snow on a crisp afternoon to the exchange of thoughtful gifts amidst the seasonal and festive surrounds. It was picture perfect and of course was just us hijacking the most wonderful time of the year for our own purposes, using the heightened emotional experience of Christmas to meld with our seduction to make it simply irresistible. The joy and rapture experienced, whether it was attending that first Midnight Mass together, kissing under the mistletoe or singing carols on the way home from the pub, is long gone. All that remains is the memory of that wonderful time and it hurts to be reminded of just how wonderful it was last year, compared to how empty and barren it now feels.

The appetite for Christmas in either case is hugely diminished. The latter, the discarded victim finds no joy in anything any more. There is no desire to deck the halls, no want to attend parties and instead they want the whole thing to be over with as soon as possible. For the former, there is the expectation of grinning and bearing it, making it as good as he or she possibly can, albeit with that lurking fear of it all being brought crashing to the ground as a consequence of the narcissistic temper tantrum that will inevitably appear. Just when you thought it was safe to breathe a sigh of relief, having apparently got through the day unscathed, the narcissist will unleash some kind of fuel seeking behaviour from out of nowhere. Thus, you want the whole thing to be over with as soon as possible.

Yet for our kind, Christmas presents an extravaganza of fuel-gathering activities. From the antics that will be engaged in during the Secret Santa at work, through the attention-seeking activities over Christmas lunch through to the opportunities afforded to draw in addition fuel at alcohol-infested parties, Christmas is a time of optimum fuel gathering. Chief ingredient however amongst this is the sense of expectation. It has been drummed into you to want a perfect Christmas – chestnuts roasting on an open fire, Jack Frost nipping at your nose – the elegant Christmas tree, carols drifting across the frozen air from outside, the feast prepared for all to eat, the beautifully wrapped presents sat beneath the tree, the family traditions, the mandated goodwill to all. There is meant to be peace, happiness and joy. Expectations are raised and of course this just creates more targets for us to aim at.

You have worked hard to ensure the house is spotless, festooned with festive finery, presents bought and wrapped, relatives organised to attend, cupboards fit to burst with fayre and drink. You have endured the mayhem at supermarkets and department stores, anxiously waited for the delivery drivers to bring your online purchases and so forth. You have created the perfect Christmas tableaux and we are ready with our wrecking ball all in the name of fuel.

For the fortunate few who are in the heady days of seduction, Christmas will be truly magical. Nobody does Christmas like our kind – be it the amazing or the abhorrent. As creatures of the extreme, we surpass all belief. For another lucky group, Christmas may well coincide with a Respite Period and thus all is golden, if only for a few days as we put on our best behaviour and drink up the positive fuel lavished on us by grateful friends and family who are relieved not to have to tread on egg(nog)shells this year.

For the majority however, it is to be endured as we disrupt, spoil, wreck and bring drama on the one time when you really, really do not want it. All in the name of fuel as we greedily drink up your frustrated tears, your angry rants and sobbing hysteria as we ruin yet another Christmas.

So, since all we want for Christmas is fuel, what can you expect from our kind at Christmas? The list is almost endless and here are but some of the behaviours that we roll out at this time of year.

  1. Failing to buy you anything or something inappropriate such as a flashlight from the garage last minute.
  2. Berating what you buy for us no matter how thoughtful, how expensive or even if we asked for it.
  3. Refusing to participate in party games or engaging in them and throwing a hissy fit when we lose or engaging in excessive pettiness about the rules.
  4. Turning up late or not at all for scheduled festive events.
  5. Talking in church so people turn and look at us.
  6. Eating food that was to be saved for other people
  7. Making the carol singers stand and sing for some time without offering them anything
  8. Not helping you at all with preparation for Christmas
  9. Arguing about which visitors to receive and when
  10. Telling the children that Santa Claus is not real so they cry.
  11. Telling people what has been bought for them before they can open their present.
  12. Failing to thank people for gifts or putting their gift choices down
  13. Sending obviously recycled gifts to other people
  14. Attending other people’s parties and being drunk and obnoxious
  15. Excessive flirting with other people much to the embarrassment of our other half and hosts
  16. Refusing to play carols and insisting on unseasonal dance music or thrash metal being played
  17. Fiddling on our ‘phones at every opportunity – during Christmas lunch, at church, when the children are opening their presents, when attending drinks at someone else’s house
  18. Purposefully disappearing at inopportune times – Christmas lunch, carol concert, present opening
  19. Picking a fight over trivial items such as the pigs in blankets not being done the way we like them, or too many red baubles being placed on the tree.
  20. Purposefully breaking gifts
  21. Inviting people round and then refusing to answer the door to them
  22. Telling children that you have spoken to Santa and he will not be visiting because they have been bad
  23. Photoshopping a picture of Santa lying in a pool of blood and showing the children telling them that Christmas is cancelled
  24. Refusing to give you sufficient money to buy things at Christmas or claiming that certain things cannot be afforded and then spending a large sum on ourselves
  25. Preventing you from attending social events without us
  26. Putting down your choice of attire when attending a Christmas event
  27. Not clapping and even booing when attending a Christmas show or pantomime
  28. Making grand entrances at parties, grand flourishes when giving presents and ensuring that all eyes are on us.
  29. Getting drunk and insulting people
  30. Competing with the neighbours for the most illuminated and decorated house in the street
  31. Refusing to get out of bed on Christmas morning
  32. Attending sporting events around Christmas and not family ones
  33. Hogging the television and selecting non-Christmas programmes
  34. Demanding the decorations be taken down the day after Christmas
  35. Switching off the oven part way through your cooking so it is either delayed or ruined and then blaming you
  36. Watching you slave over a hot stove and then suggesting to everybody that you go out to eat instead
  37. Turning up empty-handed at parties and blaming you for forgetting the gift/food/drink.
  38. Lavishing attention on one person and ignoring everybody else
  39. Walking around with mistletoe and kissing people for far too long
  40. Disrupting/being awkward concerning co-parenting over the Christmas period.

It all adds up to bah humbug!

What have been your narc nightmares at Christmas?

107 thoughts on “All I Want For Christmas Is Fuel

  1. artfromperry says:

    ***** Never, ever spend any holidays in the presence of a narcissistic bully. Just don’t do it. They tend to hate holidays and they tend to hate the people that are around them on holidays (as well as the people not around them — but closer people are easier targets). Plan next Christmas, Chanukah, New Years — right now and in that plan eliminate the narcissistic bully from the plan. That works . ***** artfromperry

  2. Caroline R says:

    Are you here in Australia? Is that why you’re wearing shorts?
    Has someone made you a cup of tea yet? We do like to be hospitable.
    It’s 0030hrs on Friday morning in Melbourne. It’s a warm night. It’s 27’C. Maybe a glass of wine?

  3. Alessa says:

    HG what would be most likely to happen if you leave the narcissist before Christmas, if you have not reached the devaluation period (of the corresponding cycle, of course)?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      On the assumption you are referring to the IPPS escaping, then you would cause wounding and the response would be as per the ‘How No Contact Feels’ articles corresponding to the relevant school of narcissist.

      1. Alessa says:

        Ok, thank you… I will re- read that one again. As always, a pleasure to read you

  4. Alessa says:

    In the afternoon he gave me a Tiffany ring as a special gift to show me how much he was interested in me (after two years of dating). In the evening we had a great toast with a lot of people and he kept flirting with a girl (an actress) he met a few days before. After several hours of ignoring me he asked: oh! Are you still here? At what time you are leaving? I just could not wear that ring again. I got very angry, but I guess this was convenient for him. Christmas time was over and he ran back to me in January, telling me that she was a dangerous person and he was afraid of her. Isn’t this typical of a narcissist??

    1. NarcAngel says:

      Last Christmas after having moved in with her boyfriend, my sister received a ring with an insultingly small diamond. She showed me and asked me what I thought it meant. I replied that there appeared to be a problem if she had to guess, and that she’d be better off to ask him (I didn’t want to be accused of ruining her Christmas). When I inquired shortly after, she informed me that his answer was: It means whatever you want it to darlin. Perfect. Of course she refuses to see and is still there and wearing it. It’s like we grew up in different homes. StepNarc is her biological father. Sigh.

      1. Caroline R says:

        The ‘What do you think this ring means?’ conversation.
        How can you navigate that one and not have someone or other hate you?. That’s sad that she’s still with him, she can be getting very little by way of return, or payoff. The crumbs she’s receiving are so tiny you’d need to use a magnifying glass to see them. They’re about the size of her self-worth.
        I heard your sigh.
        I sighed too.

        1. NarcAngel says:

          She always asks but she never likes the answer, so I don’t tell her what I think anymore for the most part. It just allows her to shift her focus of the fear of losing him into loathing me but she can’t see it. It pains me because I am the oldest and I cared for them. They are the closest I will ever have to having children and I failed. It was all for nothing.

          1. MB says:

            You DID NOT fail them NA! They obviously look up to you. Imagine what their lives would have been without you in it.

          2. windstorm says:

            That’s the truth! We can never know how much we helped. Think of the old Jimmy Stewart movie, “Its a Wonderful Life.” We can never know how much good we did for others or how much worse things would have been without our presence.

          3. MB says:

            All anybody can ever do is the best they know how at the time. That goes for NAs sister too. When she knows better, she will do better. It is painful to watch loved ones make mistakes, but as we’ve learned here, people will only listen and understand when they are ready.

          4. windstorm says:

            You did not fail! They’re still alive, aren’t they? You’re still there for them, aren’t you? That’s all you can do. We can’t fix people, we can only support them as they make their own choices. You are obviously doing that. And that’s all you can do.

          5. NarcAngel says:

            I’m not trying to fix them but they do turn to me to fix things FOR them. When StepNarc was still alive I would get the calls to come and handle him even. I did spend my childhood and young adulthood trying to compensate for their parents lack of care and attention, stayed home to make sure they were protected, contributed financially to the household while there and after, was available to them then and now, and well, you get the picture. Didn’t do it for recognition, but when my baby brother (the one most like my own child) turns out to be a narc clone of his father, and my sister continues to let men take advantage of her emotionally and monetarily, that is when I think: it was a waste of time, why didn’t I just concentrate on making a better life for myself. That is why I understand why some see another way as HG did. My life has been negatively affected by my decision and I can’t go back.

          6. MB says:

            NA, these comments make me so incredibly sad. I don’t know what else to say. Your pain comes through. I know hugs don’t fix anything, but I wish I had one for you now. What a survivor you are! Nothing but respect for you.

          7. WiserNow says:


            Your comments in this thread resonate with me. I understand your sadness and regret and I’m sorry about your own life being affected by your decisions. There’s no easy answer to any of this, but I believe you were a source of strength, support and comfort and a guiding light to your siblings and you helped them have a better life even if that’s not how it appears to you.

            I’m not sure we can greatly change the trajectory of our lives even if we are determined to make changes. Sometimes, I think the chips just fall where they are meant to. You don’t know that you could have made a better life for yourself, and you don’t know that it was a waste of time. They are judgements you are making in hindsight. You made the best decisions you could at the time with what you had and what you knew, and it shaped you into the enlightened and strong person you are today.

          8. Clarece says:

            Hi NA, You left an irreplaceable imprint on your siblings. You say your sister keeps asking you even though she doesn’t like the answers you give her.
            But she keeps asking you anyways.
            Your input has value. Has merit. Has an influence to her. You matter to your siblings. It wasn’t for nothing.

      2. K says:

        I got blame shifted, too, so I had to learn to turn it around like you did with your sister.

        I think this is projection: It means whatever you want it to darlin.

        To borrow from Lewis Carrol’s fantastic writing I leave you with the words of humpty dumpty, who was clearly a pioneer of our kind.

        “When I use a word it means just what I choose it to mean.”

      3. Alessa says:

        Yes! People see what they want to see. And this includes diamonds and rings. I used to think a diamond meant commitment and love (yes, I did)… After this I saw that they mean whatever the person who is receiving wants to see. At least it was the last time I wore it. Actions are important, consistent behavior, this is what we should be looking for. Cheers NarcAngel

      4. K says:

        I am sorry NarcAngel. That is painful. You did the best you could do but I understand that feeling of failure, especially when you are a parental figure, it feels like loss or regret. It can be very acute.

      5. windstorm says:

        I don’t have a sister, but I do know how hard and painful it is when someone we love does not see that they are being abused. And there’s really nothing we can do (at least not that I’ve found), but be there for them if and when they finally see and accept the truth. 😐

      6. ava101 says:

        I understand you, I understand your sister and you already understand yourself why she is reacting that way …. But of course it is not your fault, and nothing was in vain. 🙂 I am sure she feels the strenght you’ve been giving her.

      7. mommypino says:

        NA, your siblings are so lucky to have you in their lives. They may not turn out to be as strong as you are but you have made so much difference in their lives by protecting them and caring for them through the years. I don’t want to imagine how it would have been for them if you were not around. You did not fail. You are their hero.

      8. jenna says:


        You did not fail! Sometimes pple have to figure it out on their own. You know her. You think she will just shift her focus into loathing you. We don’t want that. You answered the question in the way you thought was best for your relationship. We don’t want her to misunderstand you. It saddens me when you are misunderstood on the blog sometimes when all you are trying to do is help. There are commenters who will only talk about their story (nothing wrong with that), but there are also commenters who talk about their story, and try to help others, which is commendable, especially if you are misunderstood. I have alot of respect for you NA. I know that you truly care.

      9. ava101 says:

        So, you could turn to your sister and tell her in one way or another that she could give you back some support (like, … being there for you, emotional support, whatever ….anything … ). And I am sure she does feel how you strengthened her. So, stop doing things FOR them, create a vacant spot there, so they can’t lean on you as a pillar anymore and something then MUST change. Like … when you stop being in the role of superwoman for your sister then she will have to slip into another role, too.

        Your brother – depends on how he is exactly, but I know that many narcs understand the concept of give and take, or at least of having to do something. Or manipulate him. 😉

        Well, you can’t change the past, only accept it, as you know, but hmm … how would you feel if you hadn’t acted that way? I am pretty sure that you would feel worse now. You acted according to what you felt was right. You did the right thing. That is, what’s important.
        Yes, you should care for yourself now.

        1. WiserNow says:

          Well said ava101 🙂

      10. NarcAngel says:

        Thank you all for your kindness and support. Don’t worry that I’m distraught – I was just thinking about how things have worked out to be and how that might fit into nature vs nurture. This is not a one off for my sister but a pattern and her son is also disrespectful and taking advantage of her. My youngest brother is a lesser somatic who is disrespectful to all but does not provoke me. My other brother was the scapegoat and treated the worst. He is damaged and has many issues but sees (or was seeing) a therapist and has a wife and 2 boys that he makes his priority. He moved away very young. I have discussed with them that we have all been affected by our past. The reaction there is that I seem to be doing all right. I stopped doing things for them quite some time ago and now only suggest what they might want to do (such as ask her boyfriend what the ring meant). When I say I failed, I mean that trying to shield them did not seem to make any difference to their genetic destination. I thought I was doing it for them but it turns out I was doing it for myself and I see that now. I should have known that – StepNarc did. He knew that I would present myself for his punishment because I could not bear to watch it done to others. I know that I could have had a better life and theirs could have been worse. Its done now and I accept it. I don’t regret it, but as I said – I don’t condone but can understand a bit better now how abuse when you are very young can set you on very different paths with very different outcomes. Thank you all for sharing your experiences and offering your views. It is appreciated.

        1. MB says:


      11. mommypino says:

        Ava101 Wise words.

      12. Caroline R says:

        There’s a much deeper dimension to your heartache than I realised. Thank you for elucidating.

        I understand how you would feel protective as the eldest daughter, and also feel some responsibility for your siblings.
        I understand the deep nurturing instinct you’d have for them to grow as people and become their best selves, and reach their potential.
        I feel that way about my nieces and nephews, and they are the next best thing to being my biological children.
        It creates very deep feelings, difficult to describe.

        The mothering role becomes a vacant position in a family if the legal mother can’t or won’t fulfill her obligations. At twelve years old my eldest cousin found herself in the role of mother to three others when her mother nearly died giving birth to the youngest. Cousins 2 & 3 told me she is ‘ bossy’ with them even now. She loves them fiercely. It’s difficult to step out of that way of being, and just be a sister. My eldest cousin felt the pressure to be perfect, as I did.
        My brother-in-law was assigned the caretaker role to his mum; she’d emotionally checked out from depression, and was hospitalised intermittently for much of his childhood & adolescence. He was the perfect addiction partner for my victim-N sister. Duck to water.

        I always felt protective of my victim- N-sister. She’s 3 yrs younger than me. I think that the heartache I felt in not being able to achieve closeness with her, and see her thriving was made more painful and became a grief to me when I realised that those were never her goals.

        But I digress.
        This is about you NarcAngel.

        You had to grow up fast.
        Your life was harsh and soul-crushing for anyone in your situation.
        You had no one to fill your little emotional tank.
        You deserved to have someone fill your little emotional tank.
        You had no one to show you how to do it, to encourage you, or support you.
        Your courage and resilience is incredible.
        Anyone with some sensitivity would be proud to have you as their daughter.
        And as their sister.

        You haven’t let anyone down.

        You have climbed Mount Everest in flip flops and with no specialist equipment.
        Without a coach or Sherpa.

        Your sister is alive, and her life choices are hers now. This is the double-edged sword of free will, that a person is able to pursue wisdom or not. We who love them suffer the collateral damage of heartache over the results of those choices.
        You’ve done a great job.
        You did your best.
        You are to be admired for such achievement.

        ( Here’s the take home message:
        #1 you weren’t responsible for this outcome, and this was the only one possible under the circumstances.
        #2 you did your best, & it had a positive outcome.
        #3 you are a precious person).

        1. MB says:

          You’re a treasure Caroline R ❤️

      13. Caroline R says:

        Thank you MB.

      14. Bubbles🍾 says:

        Dearest NarcANGEL,
        What a kind loving caring person you are
        Don’t ever sell yourself short precious
        I wish you were my sister

        (Ps… I always thought a diamond meant an engagement ring and if so, the happy couple choose it together) ….. but then again, men are pretty stupid …….haha

        Ohhhhhh and particularly when it comes to jewellery 💎
        I always say to people when asked …. “do you or if you like it, then that’s all that matters”
        Problem solved
        Stay as you are beautiful
        Luv Bubbles xx 😘

  5. Anm says:

    I have mediation and atleast one court (maybe more) this December with my Ex Narc. At first I was disappointed that the narc and his attorney asked for court hearings during the hokidays. But now I am realizing, that Christmas time is perfect to present to a judge what a Narcissist is about.

    1. Caroline R says:

      I hope it all goes well for you in court.

      1. Anm says:

        Thank you. I have learned to be calculated enough to be fine with it going either way. I always have a backup plan

      2. Caroline R says:

        You can think of all of us on your side when he’s trying to stare you down or is doing some other bully act.

    2. mommypino says:

      Good luck Anm! I hope it goes well.

      1. Anm says:

        Wow, you all are awesome. I didn’t expect this support. I appreciate the love.

  6. Kelly B says:

    The holiday Hoover came back after months deployed in Afghanistan for a short time. Everything was magical then he started pulling his crap again.

    1. Caroline R says:

      Kelly B
      your cat’s face is priceless!
      Ha ha!
      It’s like “No fricking way he’s coming back!”
      Your cat was over your ex before Afghanistan.
      Your cat thought Afghanistan was “go away, stay away”. That’s a cat’s version of ‘no contact’.

  7. Kensey says:

    I love you Melissa! ….you say it BEST!!!
    “ he won’t be there to ruin it”

    “Just because a woman is silent
    does not mean she agrees. “
    ~ CLarissa Pinkola Estes

    Get out, stay out!!!!

  8. #1
    His last christmas was buying ME the top of the line Shark vacuum for the housekeeper. That’s all. Nothing else.
    Still have the Shark. Don’t have a housekeeper anymore.House isn’t nearly as messy without the narc.

    It reminds me every time I use it to avoid Narcs and their hoovers.”Don’t get sucked in”.

    Maybe I should rename it HG?

    1. Caroline R says:

      “Don’t get sucked in”
      Ha ha!
      Love this. Thanks! I’ll think of it everytime I use my Dyson. Ex-N had the same one which irritates me. I love my Dyson.
      Lovely photo BTW. Nice to see your face.

      1. Thank you Caroline R!
        It is an old photo. I didn’t want to wear a turtleneck. The photographer said “Try not to laugh” and then he told me a joke! Turned out pretty good.

        1. K says:

          Former Innocent Perse
          You are beautiful and your picture reminds me of my Empath sister.

      2. jenna says:

        Former innocent perse/personephone ascending,

        I agree with K. Beautiful photo and it’s always a treat to have a face with the name. I still remember your last photo in the devil costume too!

  9. trocadero says:

    Is it even possible to have more than one ”golden Christmas” or for the second one, you already get to this list of behaviors? Just a thought..

    1. HG Tudor says:

      It is Trocadero.

      1. You may be the IPPS and have a golden period that lasts for more than a year and could therefore encompass two Christmas periods.
      2. You may be the IPPS and receive a respite period over the Christmas period to add to the one in the original golden period.
      3. You may be an IPSS and therefore more likely to be treated well at Christmas time (than the IPPS who is in devaluation).
      4. You may be a NISS and therefore more likely to be treated well at Christmas as part of the façade management and also triangulation with the suffering IPPS.

      1. Trocadero says:

        Thank you HG for this detailed answer. Even though I escaped before I could see this for myself, it is still helpful to get rid of fantasizing on how it would be. Jingle fucking bells :/

        1. freedgypsysoul says:

          There will be no Christmas for me either with the ex Narc (thank God and the heavens above that I have been spared). It’s been 19 days since I started no contact when he moved out; he’s contacted me 9 of those! Can you say ‘hoover time’? lol Although no word from him today, I did get a phone message from a flying monkey whom is also blocked! I believe he was likely ‘fishing’ for info thru one of his lieutenants and thus thru her as the lieutenants wife. Nope, haven’t responded to her either. GET OUT, STAY OUT…..doing my darndest!!

          1. windstorm says:

            That’s a good beginning! Stick with it!

          2. freedgypsysoul says:

            Thank you windstorm

      2. Caroline R says:

        Good work freedgypsysoul
        We’re cheering you on!

  10. Leslie says:

    What a damn bunch of baby rot from a supposed adult.

    Narc wreaking havoc on the vulnerable…..

    But I will give you credit for presenting the topic in a way that supports reality rather than reiterating trauma and fuel mongering.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Gosh, lucky me!

  11. Twilight says:

    First Christmas I was in the hospital, I went I to preterm labor. No doctor there then my husband tells them I am not to have any pain medication. Doctor walks in last second to deliver my son. Then my husband has to leave to be with his family for Christmas. The next day they come to see me and my son. His Aunt tells me my son couldn’t be my husbands due to the blonde hair.
    I knew I was in trouble with no escape. Her oldest son took his life two days ago. I would watch him when he was little.
    I apologize I am feeling slightly out of sorts and being hit with many memories. I refuse to speak with anyone on that side, they take death and turn it into a three ring circus.

    1. NarcAngel says:

      Truly awful. I’m sorry that has come to you and hope it moves on quickly.

      1. Twilight says:

        Thank you NA. It will. At this moment I am so angry.

    2. K says:

      Sorry, how sad and don’t apologize. He left you at the hospital to be with his family…WTF…well, no surprise there; they don’t do support. Death and funerals are a fuel fest. Suicide is heartbreaking and very common around Christmas.

      1. Twilight says:


        Thank you.

        Death and funerals are fuel fest, do I ever know this. Like I said three ring circus.
        I don’t think it was intentional, I think there is more to what happened. I told windstorm I am going between anger and sadness, My sadness is normal this time of year it is what I feel from many, I am angry because my husbands family are walking talking water bags that regurgitates the bile and puke they call facts looking for sympathy and attention.

        1. Clarece says:

          Twilight! I’m so sorry all these triggers hit you out of the blue. You never know when it will happen. Hopefully the anger will subside soon. Definitely, each day try to focus on doing something good for yourself whether indulging in a favorite food treat, seeing a girlfriend or someone close to you that’s supportive, anything that gives you a bit of respite during the day. If I was close by, I’d bring you a hot chocolate and the “Twilight” Lush bath bomb for a treat!

          1. Twilight says:


            Thank you I appreciate the thought. I am feeling better this afternoon and will be going out to dinner to night after work and spending time with my granddaughter tomorrow. Maybe we will get more snow here and her and I can build a snowman and sing Want to build a Snowman, her favorite movie is Frozen.

          2. windstorm says:

            Makes sense her favorite movie is “Frozen.” Best. Movie. Ever!

          3. Clarece says:

            Hi Twilight! Everything will melt away once you get to hang with your granddaughter!!

      2. Caroline R says:

        Your description of “walking, talking water bags that regurgitate the bile and puke…”
        Exactly so!
        In 2012:
        In one of the metaphorical dreams I had about my family (trying to make sense of the pain that was inflicted on me), I saw my victim-N sister as Jabba the Hutt: every time she opened her mouth to speak, pus would be splattered on me. She seemed to have a pus-laden infected wound that never healed.
        I couldn’t understand it.

        I saw in another dream my Dad and sister’s co-dep husband like cartoon characters speaking a stream of word-vomit back to each other, taking it in turns, so that their gaslighting /propaganda was synchronised, and they could function together in close relationship.
        It was difficult to have a relationship with my Dad at all at that time. My N-Mum had died in 2011, and I was trying to make a relationship with him, with this new different dynamic of just the two of us.

        I didn’t have words for those things then.
        I am astonished to see your use of those words, and I want to let you know that I understand. I feel your frustration and disgust.

    3. windstorm says:

      I’m very sorry you’re having such sad memories. Hope they move on into the past soon, where they belong.

      1. Twilight says:


        Thank you. I will I just keep moving from anger to sadness. For a long time I was angry because of the things this family did, not just to me but to many and no one would listen.

    4. MB says:

      I’m sorry Twilight, how truly awful. Somebody should pull his molars without novacaine! My condolences for the untimely loss.

      1. Twilight says:


        You made me laugh, I am back working in dentistry. What my ex took from me I vowed to get back and I have.

        1. MB says:

          Good for you Twilight! Play the leading lady role in your own life. Sparkle on!

      2. Mona says:

        Twilight, it is a horrible memory. I support MB. Someone should pull…all his teeth without ….

      3. Kensey says:

        Twilight (((( hugs)))) to you.
        I agree MB …about the molars !

      4. Caroline R says:

        You made me laugh!
        I was thinking of shoving some holly where the sun doesn’t shine, and denying him analgesia.
        I’ll have to borrow a pair of HG’s gloves he uses for touching the distasteful.

        Anyone would be feeling so much heartache in your situation. I wish for you comfort and peace as you work through the memories and loss.

        1. MB says:

          I’m glad Caroline R. Making people laugh is one of my favorite things!

      5. Caroline R says:

        You’re a treasure!
        I wanted to thank you for sharing some of the private and sensitive details about your mental health. You have my respect and admiration for your courage, resilience, and for all of the decisions I imagine you’ve had to make to still be here. To not quit.
        It must have been a long dark struggle. I have struggles too, so I appreciate it.
        Your words of friendship and support, your loving heart, and your sense of humour bring so much to the community here at narcsite.
        I wish you a peaceful Christmas, and much personal success in the year ahead.

        1. MB says:

          Thank you for your kind sentiments Caroline R. It really means a lot. I enjoy being here (obviously). Mixing in the serious stuff of life with the fun stuff is how I like to roll so I fit in here. I hope you and yours have a very merry Christmas season and a narc free New Year!

    5. WhoCares says:

      I’m so sorry Twilight. That is very sad to hear…and Christmas is already such a time for mixed emotions…
      I hope, when it comes around, that your Christmas is peaceful. Take care.

    6. K says:

      You are welcome Twilight
      Just lie low and repeat this in your head a few times: I will forgive them for they know not what they do.

      Whenever there was a death (family member or friend) the whole thing was gas lighted. My mother’s narc girlfriend drank herself to death and my mom told everyone she had cancer and overdoses are either aneurysms or heart attacks. Even in death, it is all about the facade and fuel.

    7. mommypino says:

      Twilight I’m so sorry that you went through that. Such nasty people trying to turn such a beautiful event of your son’s birth into an opposrtunity to hurt you. I’m so terribly sorry. No mother deserves that and especially you don’t deserve that.

    8. Twilight,
      I’m so sorry for your loss, and for having to deal with those family members.
      I do hope the time with your granddaughter will lighten your sadness.
      Peace and Love,

  12. Try The Fruit Salad says:

    What is wrong with me that I laughed convulsively at all of these ‘examples’ of non festive behavior? TEARS.

    1. MB says:

      I liked the eggnog shells the best!

    2. Fuel on the Shelf says:

      Try the Fruit Salad….

      You are not the only one! I am sooooo going to hell for laughing too!

      My mother did #11 all the time.

      And #23…Oh my Gawd! HG you are diabolical.

      My morbid sense of humor is not lost here. Nope. Merry Narc-mas everyone. If you hear a piano in the background, please set fire to it!

      1. Try The Fruit Salad says:

        @ Fuel on the Shelf (nice user name):
        I was raised by a cerebral narc hence the dark humor now lol. Dated a string of narcs. Now dating a new narc (suspect high range. not mid ranger) and it’s sick I end up laughing at his power plays. I love the moments of silence I get a lot done and he comes back and it’s fine. His terrible behavior makes me laugh more often than not. Not a ‘settle down’ relationship but good for my rebound relationship. They’re never boring I’ll say that lolk. “Jumpin’ Jack flash, it’s a gas, gas, gas…” – Mick Jagger wailing

  13. melissa says:

    My to be EX-Narc ruins every holiday, including birthdays for anyone other than himself. He is nasty, shows up late to dinners for birthdays and demands we have sex prior to leaving for dinner. At our 5th Christmas he was impossible, he was absolutely horrid. When I asked him why he was being so miserable, he said that he hated Christmas because his Ex-wife lost a baby (early in pregnancy 12 week) around Christmas 20 years prior and he hated Christmas since…..This was the first I had heard of this. Each year it was an excuse, but this one seemed more outlandish than any of the previous. Don’t misunderstand me, I’m not being unsympathetic, as I too have lost pregnancies as well. I feel such a relief that I do not have to see or spend one moment with him this year. A joyous Christmas indeed it will be, simply because he won’t be there to ruin it!

    1. lizk says:

      Oh, yes…a Non-Narc Christmas!

      Let’s write our own list of what that can look like:

      1. Being free to define and design our own Christmas experience with ZERO input (positive or negative) from any narc.

    2. Caroline R says:

      It occurred to me that your ex-N didn’t like Christmas because that little baby who didn’t progress beyond 12 weeks stole all the attention, and so it was forever painted black — how dare it die and get the ex-wife’s emotional response directed primarily towards it? She probably felt sad every year at Christmas, and your ex-N was jealous.
      Just a thought.

      1. NarcAngel says:

        I think excuse and pity play.

      2. Windstorm says:

        Caroline R
        That’s very sad, but I bet that’s the truth. And I think that a lot of the time narcs feel sorry for themselves and feel hard done by, it’s because of something like that.

      3. Caroline R says:

        Did you enjoy your time with your little lambs? You went to the movies, did I read?
        I was thinking about you feeling overwhelmed the other week, and hoped you were able to have time with your sweeties to recharge your batteries, and downregulate your stress levels. It was a good idea to go outside and breathe, and walk, and soak up some natural beauty: those things work for me too.

        What do your grandchildren call you? I bet they get very excited coming to see you, because they can feel the love you have for them.

        1. windstorm says:

          Caroline R
          Thank you for your concern. I wasn’t overwhelmed the other week, just thinking ahead to where I won’t be able to take care of myself. My grandchildren almost never come to visit me, because I live far away, but I go to them. We did go to the movies and out to eat. It was fun! It was as nice getting to spend time with my son as with the girls. 😊

        2. windstorm says:

          Caroline R
          Missed this question. They call me grand-maman.

    3. K says:

      Merry narcissistic Christmas! A pity play and triangulation. Looks like you were on his naughty list (devaluation; painted black).

  14. MB says:

    What should our reaction be to all this attention-seeking behavior, HG? Ignore, ignore, ignore or will that only make it worse? I think we all have at least one of these family members or co- workers.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You ignore and starve of fuel.

      1. MB says:

        I’m ready for them. I know who they are. Will be good field work. Thank you HG.

  15. DebbieWolf says:

    My nightmare at Christmas was turned into his nightmare as I relocated my car on Christmas Eve, pretended I wasn’t in and then observed him sitting outside the house till gone 4 in the morning… Then he left to go to his home.

    Fucking A.

    A good kick in the Christmas nuts.
    Fuck with me and I will fuck you over with equal intensity.
    The End.

    1. DebbieWolf says:

      Keep remembering that your best friend is your intellect.
      Your ability to out manoeuvre everything they do.
      Down to reverse psychology.

      Say you want things you do not and say you do not want things that you do and let their world of opposites kick in… dishing out all the things you actually want and not the things you don’t… apply this in every aspect all across the board even down to whether you want to see them or not.

      Do this generally inside and outside of Christmas.

      Give this gift to yourself at Christmas, the gift of getting this absolutely right at all times and then engineer a way 2 live a better life free, away from them.

      Ditch the nightmares at Christmas.
      Ditch and bail.
      Everybody’s got to start somewhere, don’t see a mountain… See one step and take it.
      See a second step… take that..
      Keep going.
      “No fate but that we make”
      (Sarah Connor. The terminator)

      1. Kensey says:

        Amen Debbie!
        Christmas …AWAY ….from them!

    2. Caroline R says:

      Do you think he wanted you to pull his Christmas cracker?
      He left wearing a clown hat, thanks to you.
      Ha ha!
      I told you you’re a kick ass babe!

      Peace and happiness to you for Christmas, Debbie.

      1. Windstorm says:

        Caroline R
        I’ve always wanted to see a Christmas cracker! No such thing here. Wonder if they sell them on Amazon!

      2. DebbieWolf says:

        Thank you Caroline R, and the same to you….☃️🎄✨🎉🎁

        Lol.. yes he always wanted his Christmas cracker pulling…. In and out of Christmas time!

        It’s going to be a very quiet Christmas…again.
        I could do with a bit more going on but the circumstances don’t allow it right now so at least I can just be appreciating the peace.

      3. Caroline R says:

        Thank you Debbie,
        We can use this time to get some reserve in the tank because there is sure to be more N-drama trying to suck us into sadness and stress-related illness. Let’s enjoy this peace and having healthy cortisol levels.

        1. DebbieWolf says:

          Caroline R

          Absolutely ✌️

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