Christmas Is A Time For Giving

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What do narcissists think about giving? Well, the starting point is that we are a gift to the world and really, should there be any need for us to give anything more? Of course there is; the giving of gifts provides us with yet another opportunity to manipulate people, exert control and ultimately draw fuel. Some people think that narcissists may not want to give gifts because we hate to do things for other people. The latter part of that point is correct, but the simple fact as ever is that the end justifies the means then we will do that and if that means parting with some of our money to purchase a gift and spending some time selecting it, then so be it. You probably will understand however that when it comes to the giving of gifts, it is nothing at all to do with you. As usual, it is all about us.

  1. Gifts of Seduction. During the seduction of a victim, some of our kind revel in the grand gestures of expensive and wonderful gifts. There may be repeated gifts every few days or some large grandiose gift. Occasionally, we may give careful consideration to what will impress you most but it is always linked into how it will benefit us. The purpose of such gifts is to cause you to admire us, thank us and draw closer to us as a consequence of our generosity and our thoughtfulness. Don’t think that we have been that considerate. You will probably receive a similar gift to the last primary source. If worked last time, so we will do it again. Thus the Somatic Narcissist who selects victims who are into material items may well always purchase some Louboutin shoes for each victim. The Cerebral Narcissist will provide a weighty tome for you to read. Not only is this exclusive hardback expensive but he can tell you all about how much he knows about the subject later. We also rely on the fact that even if the gift is not precisely what you wanted, most people are delighted to receive gifts and during the wonderful, elating and mesmerising seduction, the whole of the effects of our seduction make the receipt of the gift all the more gratifying. It gains kudos from being given against a backdrop of compliments, love, amazing sex, days and nights out and so forth. By appearing thoughtful and generous we draw you closer to us.
  2. Creation of debt. We only give you a gift in order to get something we want and the provision of a gift automatically creates a debt in our mind. It might be that we will control you through this gift, it might be that we use it to gain fuel or to mollify you if we think you are on the brink of leaving us and denying us our fuel. No matter how lavish or expensive the gift, there will be a price to pay for it, either now or later.
  3. Creating the favourite. We often use gifts to create a favourite and generate division. For instance, if we have three nephews, who are still young children, we may give one a larger and more expensive gift to one and smaller and less expensive gifts to the other two and it is obvious. Children will react to this with jealousy, petulance and upset which will generate fuel. It does not stop there. The parents of the nephews may well react to this unequal treatment so there is more fuel forthcoming. If we are challenged as to why we have done this you can expect to be told,

“It is my money and I decide how I spend it.”

We are entitled to do as we want and when it comes to giving gifts there is no exception.

This favouritism will continue all the way through so that a golden child will always fare better at Christmas and birthdays than his or her siblings with the attendant problems that arise. We will even do this when we have gone with an unequal division of assets. The Thought Fuel that arises as we sign the will knowing of the in-fighting that will come about in due course is satisfying indeed.

  1. The Rubbish Gift. This is done by design and often unintentionally. Since we lack empathy, we see no need to consider what somebody else what might really want for their birthday. Thus, we provide them with a hideous jumper that is too big or a garish ornament. The look of dejection and disappointment on that person’s face when they receive a book about butterflies produces a good dose of fuel for us. Of course if they do not seem appropriately happy, this allows us to roll out comments such as: –

“But I thought you loved butterflies.”

“I looked everywhere for that gift.”

“You should be grateful you got anything at all.”

We know you don’t like butterflies. We found the gift in the bargain bin at the supermarket and we know you won’t be grateful, we don’t want you to be, so we can provoke you for some more fuel.

  1. The Residual Fuel. Flowing from the rubbish gift is the expectation that when we next call around the hideous statue of what is meant to be two dolphins in the foam but looks more like a frothing Quasimodo, should be pride of place on your mantelpiece. Alternatively, you should be wearing that migraine inducing jumper. If you are not, you can expect us to play the victim and make you feel guilty for not showcasing our generous gift.
  2. The Wrong Gift. The cousin of the rubbish gift. This gift may be a good gift but it is the wrong one. You may already have one of these items already and a second is of no use. It might be that you asked for a handbag in black and we have bought you one in brown, even though it is the same make. The shoe size might be two sizes out either way, the ring too small, the lingerie too small. We do this because you see the wrapped item and recognise it to be the item you have asked for and your excitement mounts, only then to be dashed by this narrow miss. Yes, you may be able to exchange it, but we will have lost the receipt and such like and we will still make a song and dance if you point out that it is the wrong gift or if you fail to look suitably happy. You can expect comments such as: –

“You have one already. Well, a spare shoe horn is always handy.”

“It is too tight? Not my fault you have put weight on is it?”

“You told me size 7, yes you did. Stop trying to blame me for your mistake.”

“So what if it I a different colour, you should appreciate I bought you something.”

  1. Forgetting a gift. It always provides us with fuel when you expect a gift and none is forthcoming. We derive amusement from seeing you waiting all day, expecting a delivery to the door, or hunting around the house thinking that we have hidden your gift. When evening comes and no gift has been forthcoming your annoyance, upset or dismay provides us with further fuel. We will of course apply selective amnesia or deflection to the situation.

“I thought the anniversary was next week?”

“It’s only Valentine’s day, you shouldn’t expect a gift.”

“You are too old to receive birthday presents now.”

“Is it your birthday? I thought it was on the 21st?”

  1. My gift. You are expecting a gift and there is something expensive sat on the dining table. It is not given to you but sits there all day until you eventually ask if it is for you only to be told it is not and it is for me. Cue crestfallen look and more fuel.
  2. The Respite and Hoover Gift. Part of the seduction family. If we want to bring you back into the Formal Relationship following discard or escape, or if we want to reinstate the golden period, we will supply you with gifts again and endeavour to make them thoughtful so that you provide us with positive fuel and we draw you back to us.
  3. Future Faking. Gifts are not immune from us always promising to buy you something amazing for that forthcoming birthday. This keeps you bound to us, you keep giving us positive fuel from your enthusiastic responses to our promises, but we fail to deliver. We draw fuel and then promise to get it for you for Christmas instead. You know what is going to happen don’t you?
  4. Charity Gifts. If we make some donation to charity whether it cash or equipment, or even items we no longer need for them to sell at a charity store, you can be sure we will let as many people know as possible of our generosity. This gains fuel and maintains our façade.
  5. Outdoing Others. If there is a christening, a baby shower or a wedding we will often go big with our gift giving. If you have a wedding list, we will go off list in order to be different even though that crystal orange juice squeezer is not exactly needed. This form of gift giving is nothing to do with you. The gifts are likely to be lavish and expensive but it is all about showing off and gaining fuel and admiration as opposed to buying someone what they actually want. Of course, any complaint or lack of appreciation will be met with us playing the victim.
  6. Recycling. You end up being given a gift which clearly was a gift to us which we did not want. In some examples we may have even left the gift tag on showing that it was for added reaction. We considered those lavender bath bombs we received to be a total insult so next door can now have them as a house warming gift. Even beyond this, we may even give you as a gift something you gave to us. Not only does this show us to cheapskates it also shows we do not think much of your gift. Fuel abounds.
  7. Proximate Fuel. We gain proximate fuel from witnessing the reaction of our victims to our manipulative gift giving. As you know, we like to cause a scene and what better way that doing so in person, at a party or an event.
  8. Thought Fuel. Gift giving allows a double whammy. We have the chance to gain proximate fuel when we hand the gift over and you unwrap it and we also contemplate your reaction when we are not there. Either siblings fighting over the gift, people expressing their hurt at a tasteless gift, a rubbish one or the wrong one, so we even gain fuel after the event.
  9. The Early Declaration. If we are being grandiose in our gift-giving you can expect to know about your gift on Facebook or similar platforms when we post pictures of it and tell the world what we have got you for your birthday. No surprises for you, but plenty of admiring fuel for us.
  10. What the Last One Got. We buy you a gift and we can see you are not happy with it, underwhelmed or even upset. Of course there will be no sympathy or consideration shown by us. All we will do is remark about what we have got you is bigger, better and more expensive than what the last primary source got and you ought to be grateful. This also works in reverse when we let slip that we did not get you something as good as what the last primary source received because you didn’t get a good birthday present for us (even though you will have done – the reality is no bar to our manipulations).
  11. The Last One Didn’t Appreciate My Gifts. If we sense that you are unhappy with our gift, we gain fuel, but we will also emotionally blackmail you into being please with it by telling you how mean the previous primary source was in that no matter what we bought him he never appreciated the gifts. Suddenly, you are gushing over the tickets to a local amateur dramatic performance of Macbeth, even though you hate plays.
  12. But Look What I Gave You! This is done for future manipulation. If you fail to do something in the future, fail to submit and do what we want, we will hark back (and do so repeatedly) to that marvellous, rare and expensive gift we once got you. As I mentioned above, you always end up paying for the gift in some way.
  13. The Target. The gift we have given you and one which you like and cherish is used in the future as a device to manipulate you and draw fuel form you. We threaten to break the gift or we do break it. We hide it or take it from you. After all, what is ours remains ours and what is yours is still ours anyway since we are entitled and do not recognize boundaries.

Gifts and the act of giving provide us with so many opportunities to draw fuel both positive and negative from people, bind people to us, control them and manipulate them.

What is your experience of the narcissist and gifts?

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26 thoughts on “Christmas Is A Time For Giving”

  1. MRN and I did not exchange gifts but Lesser’s gifts followed this pattern to a T. Gifts of seduction to start – sent across an ocean (ld). When I moved in with him, the gifts began to get worse and worse. Some nice jewelry in there but also things that made me think he thought I was his mother (an old lady jumper in a colour and style I would never wear, for instance). His last gift to me was on my birthday a few months before my escape – a paperback by an author I was not much interested in but who Lesser liked, unwrapped and still in its brown paper bag with the receipt from the shop.

    That is all obvious. What is not so obvious, HG, is what Lesser did with the gifts that I gave to him. These were always thoughtful, tasteful and personal and he was always happy to get them. Never any disappointment. But when he was in a cold fury or giving me an ST, he would take my gifts to him and pile them up on the floor or leave them outside a door or someplace where I would notice what he had done.

    I had never heard of such behavior but going along with the mummy jumper thing, it must have been like a toddler showing his mother he is angry by breaking his favourite toy? I dunno since my kid never did this.

    What do you think, HG? Was Lesser playing out some developmental psychodrama or was he discarding me through the gifts? The thing is, he never actually left me. I couldn’t even convince him to go away for the weekend and leave me in peace…

    1. He was triangulating you through them in order to prompt a reaction from you to gain fuel and exert control.

      1. Ah, of course, HG. That makes sense. Thank you very much for the answer.

        Nice weather you are having there!

  2. One of the narcissists his narc mother for christmas. Gave us 2 big knifes in one package. And 2 potholders used from a garage sale that had a sticker 10 cents. And some soaps and small shampoo bottles from the hotel. For our anniversary a check for $10.00.

  3. My older stepdaughter, I think a mid-range elite narc, loves to give us her framed pictures for Christmas. We got her modelling pictures, her wedding picture, maternity picture, 6 month baby picture with her on it, 1st year birthday picture with hee on it, etc. When I got so mad at then after they picked on my son’s appearance, I took down all of her pictures on our wall and replaced them with art reproductions.

    The younger stepdaughter would either only give me a Christmas card or a gag gift like a t-shirt that says “I’m not short, I’m elf size.” I saw that they were anxiously waiting for me to see the shirt but I showed them that I really loved it. I wore it on Christmas day with eyeshadow that matched the color of the shirt and I was the cutest and cheeriest elf and they were wearing their frowny faces. It’s so funny how immature they are.

  4. First Christmas: Earrings from Tiffany. I acted as if I loved them, but inside I thought, “How cliché! I guess he didn’t notice that I wear original pieces of jewelry not mass-manufactured ones.” Later, in bed, he called me a “bitch.” That stopped our act cold—that’s not my style of dirty talk. I guess he thought the Tiffany earrings bought him that entitlement. No.

    Christmas after first discard and subsequent hoover: Earrings from Lagos. I thanked him but told him how hurt I was: they were not my style, they did not suit my face, and they did not suit my coloring. This criticism of course enraged him. I later saw the receipt that he accidentally left in the gift box: $4000

    Christmas after second discard, 10-month separation, and huge hoover: Hermès scarf. Now that I LOVED!

    Most recent discard (August) with no hoover: $25,000 and a new car. I guess this is some kind of severance package meant to keep me quiet and to signify what a great guy he is when I tell my family and friends about the end (and when he tells same).

    All that material crap I would gladly trade for the man that I thought he was.

    Thanks to HG Tudor, I now know that that man never existed.

    I don’t believe there will ever be another hoover. I’m 99.99% certain that he has a new primary (or not so new—I think he’s been cultivating her for some time now, at least 1.5 years if not more).

  5. I noticed that with his gifts to me and his gifts to my kids, he would never consider what we actually wanted. It was always something he really wanted.
    For example, he gave me a giant Hershey’s kiss chocolate for Valentines one year, but he ate 90% of it, even though I wanted to save it and savor itover the next few days.
    He bought figurines for my young children, which they weren’t allowed to
    touch, and DVD movies that he enjoyed.
    It was ridiculous!!

  6. HG !
    Ha ha!
    ‘dolphins in the foam’

    It reminds me of when victim- N-sister got married and was given a hideously tacky ornament for the mantel from one of her husband’s N-relatives (his nasty N-grandma who had everyone eagerly awaiting the day she’d kick the bucket).
    I arrived at said sister’s house and couldn’t help but comment on the Kitsch ‘Nana’s Ashes’ Funeral Vase.
    It so was one.
    It was borderline creepy.
    Not long after, once she’d sufficiently installed herself in his family, the hideous item vanished.

  7. I have experienced every one except for 13,17,20. Maybe I might see it this xmas being that you brung it to my attention. I think the one that is the worse out of them all is the one with the kids receiving gifts on xmas in order to create division….shit is really sad

  8. I would like to add a ‘thank you’ to you NG. You are the gift that keeps on giving 24/7/365. Now, that’s a gift I never anticipated or realised I needed. I hope you have a wonderful Christmas🌲

  9. Minging perfume, electrical items that he would then ‘play’ with or use even to the point of unwrapping it and pushing all the bells and whistles whilst I looked on (present was really for himself), impersonal household gifts, or my absolute favourite – a day late and no xx on the card. In other words, he remembered to forget my birthday, personal taste or that I mattered. My birthday was a gift to himself to twist the knife.

      1. Understood, NA. I laugh at the situation myself now. Great not to feel that way anymore.

  10. trocadero –

    “…suggesting to put it on the wall where he could peacefully contemplate it all the time without even having the trouble of unzipping his pants. Asshole.”

    Hehehe…thanks for the belly laugh.

  11. I sometimes think the gift no matter how good is not worth the blood you pay for it My mother was especially good at that she offered to pay for my wedding gown then two days later decided to punish me for it , so I refuse to let her pay for it I hate that feeling of owning somebody for a supposed gift Money is in necessary evil but it never influences me

  12. None. Truth be told, I have never expected any from him because of the DE situation, and I didn’t buy him anything either, except for his b-day. That’s why I was so disappointed when he missed my b-day he never even bothered to see when it was. And also after confronting him with that fact I was still secretly hoping that his lousy excuses will come with a small sign of attention (not necessarily a gift) to make it up for ruining my b-day. But of course, never happened. To be honest, I was thinking before about buying him sth that will be significant to remember me for, but eventually I didn’t since too many red flags were already on. I was seriously considering the option of putting one of the pics of his dick he is so obsessed with in a frame and sending him as a gift with a note suggesting to put it on the wall where he could peacefully contemplate it all the time without even having the trouble of unzipping his pants. Asshole.

  13. Ur capacity with fuel must be expensive…..an p.s. get an oil change.and ur denial blinds your leaking trail

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