Love Me, Hate Me, But Never Ignore Me
I want your love. I want your hate. I want your joy. I want your tears. I want every single emotional ounce that you possess and I want it directed at me. It is easy to understand why anybody would want to be loved because isn’t that what everybody only ever wants to have? To love and be loved. Of course it is. I only ever wanted to be loved and no matter what I did, no matter how hard I tried it was denied to me. Push yourself harder, go further, work harder and you can have it. I was promised that gain repeatedly and I complied. I strove and I toiled and I grafted. I studied, I obeyed, I trained, I ran and I ran fast, I jumped and I jumped higher than anyone else. I tackled, I shot, I pushed, I swam, I wrote, I complied, I answered, I read and I read. I did everything that was ever demanded of me. Does that sound familiar to you? Of course it is. You know what it is like to give your all and it still not be enough. You know what it feels like to keep trying until you feel like you have nothing left to give anymore. Why do you think that we are so effective in extracting that sensation from you? It is because my kind has been schooled in such a technique for so long that it becomes second nature.
Of course I was praised. I was encouraged. I was supported. I was pushed. I was told and instructed and ordered. The plaudits came but there was always the caveat.
“That is an excellent result, next time try for one hundred per cent.”
“Brilliant time but I know you can do it faster. You just need to try harder.”
“It is good but not as good as you can do. You are better than that.”
“Not bad but you will let me down if you do not get to the top of the class.”
Still, although it was conditional praise it was still praise nonetheless and this combined with my endeavours meant that I was never ignored. The achievements accumulated, the prizes were gathered and the accolades were acquired. Upwards, always upwards. Accordingly, your praise and admiration means so much to me. It was always the standard by which I was judged and so it is the same now. I crave the adulation and the passion, that is why I work so hard to cause you to give it to me. I want it, I want to be seen, I want to be recognised and that means I must receive your emotion sodden attention. It does not matter if you are shouting at me or beggin me to stop, so long as it id directed towards me. This is why everything I do is calculated to provide a reaction.
When I am seducing you, you must never ignore me. I have too much invested in your acquisition to lose you to someone of something else. My bombardment of you with messages and attention is to draw you to me, but it is also to ensure that you do not venture somewhere else and I am denied your attention. This is why I will text you and if there is not a prompt response I will text you again, then again, then call you and then turn up at your house. I need to know you are responding to my seduction. I need to control you. There is too much at stake to allow you to ignore me.
Once devaluation begins then I need once more the emotionally charged attention that comes from you weeping, shouting and screaming. It never troubles me in the same way that it troubles you to be shouted at. I require it and all it does is make me feel powerful because I know that I can prompt these responses from you by virtue of my manipulations. I know by saying nothing that you will beg and plead with me to explain what is wrong, hang around me, eyes wide in confusion as you beseech me to tell you what you have done wrong.
I am not fussy about the emotions which you pour my way. Good or bad I will take them all. The bad do admittedly make me feel more powerful but the sweet potency of favourable responses and eyes glowing with admiration are most welcome too. That is one of the reasons I alternate back and forth, making you happy and joyful towards me and then full or woe and anger. The contrast reinforces my omnipotence because I am the puppetmaster. One moment I can make you laugh and then with a flick of the switch I have you in tears. That is power. That is control and this is what emphasises my greatness. Yes, I know you consider such behaviour wrong. I am well aware of that and do not be fooled by any pretence to the contrary. I am fully aware that such behaviour is considered, bad, wrong and evil, according to your values but you ought to know that this game is not being played according to your rules. It is played with mine and I always have to win.
Should you be treacherous and be the bad person that I always suspected you to be and ignore me, then I will provoke you all the more in order to gain my reaction. Few of you realise that this is the aim, at least, not until much later. You are unable to understand this sudden escalation, this switching because of the confusion that you are mired in. I am grateful that this is the case for when you ignore me I begin to crumble. The edifice that I have built up begins to crack, splinter and fracture and I must escape your betrayal and seek out the emotions of others in order to compensate for your seditious behaviour. If I cannot bring your love or hate to the fore, I cannot remain to be ignored, for that is my death sentence and I am not allowing you to sign that warrant. I must be loved for I am worthy of the most perfect love, I must be hated because my works are that of the devil and attract your furious ire. Always look my way, always give me your emotions and never turn your back on me. Do that and all will be well. At least, for me, but then, isn’t this all about me anyway?
150 thoughts on “Love Me, Hate Me, But Never Ignore Me”
If I’ve learned anything Mb it’s that he will disappoint. It’s really the only thing you can expect a 100% of the time with these people. They will always let you down. You can count on it!
I heard Michael McIntyre yesterday, and the thought crossed my mind “thank God HG doesn’t sound like that!”
Even when you’re doing comedy for us.
Unless you outsource the voice (we have no proof)
Ah, the mystery deepens.
He has an irritating voice, I agree.
O/o! Swooning women wet and bothered over HG Tudor’s showcasing pins.
A self lubricating harridan offered to oil Tudor’s ‘joints’ ( O_o) – ok then.
Another had her attraction levels assailed so high by Tudor’s manly limbs that she had to create a commotion blaming it on her bodrecollie. Reality is Moochelle is so attracted to HG Tudor that the only way to get his attention was to change to extreme gravatars, write irrational comments and pretend she hates him shortly after the photo was uploaded.
In fact Harridan and Moochelle both have a crush on Tudor. They just expressed themselves in different ways. One oiling his joints (LOL), the other through nonsensical comments. Both styles are odd indeed but their feelings are the same. A low level narc and a bordercollie want the same greater narcissist in more ways than one.
IMO the new photograph is missing the top part of the shorts.
How is it hanging?!
The thing with your Mom praising you but with a caveat. My mother did the very same thing only she was not a Narcissist but had narcissistic tendencies. The therapist believed that is where my Codeoebdency may have developed. The therapist believes I internalized the voice of a critical parent. I’m making my Mom to be mean but she is not at all and she would do anything for me but she placed too much value on what others thought and I do remember her giving my father ocassional silent treatments, but I do know for a fact she had empathy. I know she didn’t have NPD but was somewhere on the narcissistic continuum. Perhaps this is why I turned out Codepebdent with some narcissistic tendencies as opposed to NPD. Looking back my Mom was quite dependent so I think she may have just had a really bad case of Codependency. I simply don’t know. I am Codepebdent but I am not dependent quite the same way she was. This article did confirm to me though that the therapist got this right anout the internalized voice of a critical parent
HG, Freddie Mercury hated to be alone or ignored, was he a narcissist or a borderline?
I suspect Paul Pretner was, assuming the film portrayed him accurately.
But I can’t make up my mind about Freddie, clearly he ticks some boxes but you certainly don’t see enough, not enough to distinguish between bpd or N.
As always, I’d very much welcome your views.
I would need to consider the matter in greater detail to form a view.
I’ve been reading some of your recent heart-felt contributions. It takes time to absorb the information and get a picture of who people are, and what’s brought them to this point in life.
I wanted to say simply that I value your presence here. You’re a beautiful person.
I am also a member of the sexy-man’s-hand fetish club. Oohhh, I straight away imagine having it on my body, and that’s a deal-breaker. Much like a man’s voice: I immediately think of waking up next to him, and having that voice in my ear. Another deal-breaker. Both must be delicious.
Which brings me to my next point:
Thank God HG wasn’t given a voice like Kasey Kasem (Shaggy in Scooby doo) or a high and squeaky one.
We’d be having very different discussions here.
Or none at all.
We’d be elsewhere.
Dear, Caroline R… I hope this note finds you as I can completely relate to your statement on navigating through this site. It takes a significant amount of time to read through the massive amount of material and comments. I have been so busy with “regular life” that I’m behind on getting up to par, so my apologies on a late response. I don’t request an email notice, so I’m often forgetting what I’ve said and where? I truly don’t know how HG does this?!
[While we have many welcomed gentlemen on this site, I can’t imagine how HG deals with the emotions of all us women?! Narcissist or not, I will say it out loud – HG has the patience of Job! (Trust me – I’ve tested it a time or two. 😳)]
Anyway, now that I got that bit of gratitude off my chest, it’s your turn. Thank you so much, Caroline R. for your kind words. You warmed my heart. ❤
You should know that I enjoy reading your comments as well. In addition to the intriguing words of our professor, his readers were also what pulled me in. I don’t think I had ever stumbled upon a site where everyone seemed so intelligent and kind. You are no exception.
And it’s always comforting to know that I’m not alone… not just in my struggles, but in my fetishes, too. Girl, you know I heard you when you described how you imagine having a man’s hands on you, so they gotta be up to a certain standard! (Not that I couldn’t fall in love with a guy who has no arms, but I get what you’re saying!) And the voice… yeah… there’s just something about a man’s voice that gets to me, especially if he’s well-spoken. From all of the compliments HG receives, it seems redundant for me to express that he is blessed with a lovely voice. But it is what it is. I agree with you, Caroline; it certainly makes listening to his audios more pleasant than if he sounded like Scooby-Doo… but oddly, there IS a part of me that wants to hear him bark – at least once. 🐕
I hope another fetish isn’t finding its way to the surface. 😉
Agreed Alexissmith2016, on Paul Prenter being a Narc, if portrayed correctly in the movie. I just saw “Bohemian Rhasphody” this past weekend. The way he systematically isolated Freddie first from Mary, then the band encouraging the solo contact with CBS, then going down the rabbit hole with excessive partying and orgies. As soon as Freddie cut him out of his life (and went NC), things got back on track.
The last 20 min paying homage to the Live Aid concert was epic. Rami Malek talked the director into filming one long shot so they could keep the energy going like a real concert without a bunch of takes.
I was trying to determine if Freddie was a Narc too. But I walked away with thinking he obviously had higher narc traits on the spectrum but not malicious. His relationship with Mary was very genuine and authentic and withstood the test of time. Paul was the true villain.
I agree with your observations Clarece. What a great movie, eh? I don’t think Freddy was a “full-blown” narcissist either but had many narcissistic traits. As a performer, one must. Plus ALL the sex he had which I think was downplayed in the movie a bit.
They did downplay the sex but that helped give it a PG-13 rating and I was able to take my daughter with me. I think they touched on it enough to get the point across. It was actually tastefully done. The point of the movie was to focus on their journey as a band together and it did that fantastically.
I truly was moved by how much Mary loved him to his core. She really saw him down to his soul and although his sexuality ended up hurting her, she was able to still accept him. And Freddie seemed to absolutely cherish that from her.
What did your daughter think of the movie?
What is this? Film ’18? Jesus!
I was asking in relation to narcissim and spotting the behaviours. Using it to Introduce discussion.
Ok Pet. Lets try this.
Have you discussed narcissism with your daughter? Has your daughter read Narc Tales or have you considered allowing that?
Ha ha, that’s better!
There has been a lot of emotional growth and coming of age events with my daughter over the last 3 years getting into the junior high level. I’ve explained snippits to her in small doses hoping that it retains in her head. She obviously has seen me on my phone or laptop at times reading on Narcsite. She has heard HG’s voice a few times from when I was listening to interviews, live feeds or once in a while a YouTube video. She called him British Darth Vader.
With regard to narcissism, I’ve told her not everyone has the ability to have compassion or empathy. They may be able to pretend like everyone else, but eventually their behavior will betray them and she needs to watch the actions over the words. I think it’s having traction. She recently had a falling out with one of her closest friends from pre-school who started ditching her for the popular crowd and displaying “mean” girl behavior. My daughter told her to make up her mind to be the friend she had been 24/7 for all those years they knew each other or don’t be one at all. And she meant it. I was taken aback but proud of her to not accept breadcrumbs. I think she’s getting a healthy set of boundaries.
As far as HG’s Narc Tales, now some of them have adult humor that still may not be appropriate for a 12 year old so, no I have not yet.
Great spproach. She sounds like a smart cookie. Gets it from her momma.
Hi NA! My daughter liked it a lot. Since “Bohemian Rhapsody” has been re-released for the 3rd time because of the movie, it’s played on her Top 40 radio channel pretty regular and we hear it a lot on the way to school. Anyone who grew up to Queen and then Wayne’s World, knows you have to head bang to part of the song. So I keep embarrassing her headbanging on campus and she wants to jump out the car window. I’m teaching her how to appreciate classic rock. Haha
Anyways she got curious about the movie and to learn about Queen. We thought it was very cool to have that song be part of both our childhoods now. She liked the performances best. I know she got a little bored when it got more into Freddie’s dark years in the 2nd half. But the closing Live Aid concert was perfect.
Absolutely fantastic movie! I couldn’t agree more.
I agree with your observations entirely and believe you’re right that he had a high number of N traits but was certainly not portrayed as malicious and as you point out he had a huge affection for Mary.
I always hugely value HGs assertions and validations of what our thoughts are on any given subject. But it certainly seems you’re a master student!!
That is a huge compliment! Thank you so much Alexissmith2016!!
That movie does provide a great demo on malicious Narc behavior with Paul. How about the smear campaign he did at the end on the TV talk shows casting Freddie as the one spiraling out of control, ungrateful, and casting away lifelong friends? And Paul really believed his version of the story but he was true toxic garbage.
“British Darth Vader”
She’s gorgeous, your daughter.
I love seeing anything about Queen and Freddie. He was complex and fascinating. The live concert footage is still electrifying.
Hi Caroline R! My daughter takes dance and we did the competition team for 4 years. The other night she was pulling up videos on You Tube of competition routines done to “Bohemian Rhapsody”. Pretty cool to watch. That’s how I knew the movie stuck with her. 😉
Hi, Clarece… I’ve enjoyed reading your movie review. I very much regret that I never got to see Queen in a live performance, with Freddy. It’s on my top ten list of “missed” concerts. Growing up listening to Queen, it’s nice to know how their music still reaches out… Party on Garth!
I haven’t seen the move yet, but it’s been on my to-do list… just need to carve out the time. But I will. I love how you used the movie, and Narcsite, as teaching moments for the little lady. She sounds like a gem, really. I know how close you must feel to her as I have bonded with my own son, even more so, since my experience with narcissism.
While there’s much I try to keep hidden, this has definitely been a great opportunity for learning. Like you, I believe that the healing of narcissism will be most potent by teaching our children sound coping skills without forgetting the importance of kindness. If we keep at it, perhaps someday we’ll have a world full of highly-effective humans who haven’t lost the human touch.
Your daughter sounds as if she’s well on her way to becoming a compassionate, yet strong, woman. We need her.
I also enjoy that she refers to “the voice” as the British Darth Vader. Cute. I have often thought HG’s narrative voice had a Jame’s Earl Jones quality to it… amongst a few other famous voices. I find HG’s voice, in regular conversation, to be authoritative yet warm. But he can definitely get his Vincent Price on when needed. I’m just glad that The Voice doesn’t give me wilies like Joey Greco’s from Cheaters. Now that gives the ears a full dose of eerie!
Anyway, your daughter appears to be mature beyond her years. I suspect it’s because she’s in such good hands. From one mother to another, nice work.
Hi BKK! I will take a screenshot of your message to save. It deeply touched me what you expressed with me guiding my daughter. Healthy coping skills is one of the best preparations for adulthood because…well…life happens. And she already surpasses me. Haha
It is nice to come here and share how we can help others as we heal and learn different ways of what reaches people or what they find offputting. Like anyone who’s never experienced narcissistic abuse cannot even fathom how it wrecks your mind, heart and spirit.
Definitely make time to see “Bohemian Rhasphody”. You won’t be disappointed. So much of HG’s writings was executed precisely accurate with Paul Pretner as an added bonus.
Party on Wayne!!
Spellcheck apparently likes the Freddy Krueger version better. Freddie*
Sorry Fellow Queen Fans. 😔
thank you for replying, hon.
You are narcsite’s Golden Girl, you have the Tudor princess red-gold hair. It’s lovely.
Would you like the position?
You don’t have to do anything, just be your lovely self.
Greetings, Clarece… I finally got to see the movie. (Trying to be discreet since Film ’18 reviews should technically be over.😯) Work and holidays have kept me busy, so I had to go out of state to find it still playing. The theater sold out; with limited stadium seating, I had to sit on the front row… so Freddie’s toothy grin appeared exceptionally large.
Still, I reclined back and took it all in, upclose and personal. The casting was amazing! By the end of the movie, I thought I was looking at the real Brian May. And Rami’s suggestion to film Live Aid in such a way made me feel as if I didn’t miss seeing, after all, one of the greatest band performances.
I appreciated that this movie was a nice display of how each member of Queen is/was blessed with unique talent. Despite their troubles, it was touching to see the way Freddie viewed his band as family. I felt that sentiment was sincere as there was definitely a sensitive side to him.
Losing a beloved artist to such a cruel disease seems unfair, and the way Paul used Freddie makes it seem even more unjust. But it was the deep love between Freddie and Mary that was most unsettling for me.
I find their live story to be remarkable, haunting yet beautiful. Mary asked Freddie, “What do you want from me?”… I watched this scene full of emotion as I had asked my own narcissist that exact question. When Freddie replied, “Almost everything,” I couldn’t help but grin.
I read once where Mary referred to Freddie, “You could have never let go of Freddie unless he died – and even then it was difficult.” I agree with you, Clarece. She saw him through, for who he truly was, and she loved him regardless. That, my friend, is the truest form of love.
And that is what I wish for everyone here to experience. ❤
(Not the leaving us for dudes part, but you know what I mean.)
Ignoring someone is still a response. But its not often clear what that response is, therefore this is why it is cruel because not knowing, adds anxiety, fear, doubt and often can have you spiraling out of control. This is why I do not like to ignore others. And I would rather they hate me. That’s easy to deal with.
Pls change your picture. It’s so sad to see. I know you are hurting but attacking hg on his own blog will generate these type of responses because we all value from his insight. I urge you to consider that before attacking him. Now please change your picture!
Tigerchelle, what’s going on? Why these pics? What happened? Do you want to talk about it?
The pics were just showing how I was feeling. I self-harmed, and felt suicidal. Which I often do. Perhaps even more so than others due to living in extremes.
There is no point talking about anything on here. This is not where I get understanding or comfort.
But thank you for your concern. Xx
So, why do you keep talking on here then? Oh yes, for attention. You contradict yourself multiple times but cannot see it.
It is attention seeking, if you really are feeling this way and know it you would be contacting someone that could actually help not posting here every time you feel as if you are not the center of attention.
The pity play and poor me “No point in posting here, I don’t get understanding or comfort” Always the victim
HG, we should be understanding about your narcissism, but not about Tigerchelle’s BPD? You know BPD is about contradiction, so why do you not just let Tigerchelle speak? Let her get it out. And aren’t we all attention seekers? Everyone loves attention. You and I as well. Everyone struggles, especially people with disorders, so I think a bit of understanding for Tigerchelle wouldn’t harm anyone. Love you xxx
I have let her speak repeatedly- see all the posts. I don’t seek compassion with regards to me, yes understand about it to aid yourself but I do not seek nor require anybody’s understanding (as in compassion).
Why don’t we all just IGNORE TC. Do not react to her unstable comments or provocative pics, do not engage with her BPD.
It is redundant, pointless and boring.
Okay, I get that. I feel compassion for you as well as for her. It can’t be fun to have such a troubled mind. People with a disorder can’t help themselves, that’s how I see it and I feel sorry for T that she is attacked bij everyone at once.
Tigerchelle, I am really sorry you felt suicial. I understand you feel like that often. Self-harm doesn’t really change anything does it?
You are right that perhaps it’s no point talking about it here, as you will be attacked all of the time. This blog is about narcissism, not really about BPD. Perhaps people don’t understand your disorder. Maybe it would be more helpful for you to find a good website and forum on BPD? I do understand your problems (a bit I think), but online people can not help you with your problems. You can show us your scars, but we can only look at them and feel sorry you felt so bad that you had to harm yourself. We can not change anything for you. Please look for a psychiatrist that will get with you to the core of your problem. I think only then you may find relieve of all you inner pain. xxx
A noose pic now? Please no. I do not know you as well as some other commenters, so I don’t know if this is your regular behavior, but pls just tell me that you are ok! The solution to this is simple. If you dislike hg due to your ensnarement (I don’t know your story), you can keep any hateful comments towards him to yourself, and pls keep an open mind to his work, and try to see why you keep coming back to the blog. We find comfort here, familiarity, understanding, a place to voice ourselves, some lovely interaction with friends who have been through the same ordeal as we have. Surely you can see all this?
Hi tigerchelle…i agree and especially those with bpd can take being ignored as abandonment and can trigger severe insecurity and loss of control.
Chihuahuamum yes, very true. Thank you for always being kind. I have had my Narcy friend do it to me several times. Last time was a fortnight ago. I kept giving him another chance as I wanted to see good in him. But I had to cut off from him. I do not deal with loss very well. Thank you for your understanding….
“ I have had my Narcy friend do it to me several times. Last time was a fortnight ago. I kept giving him another chance as I wanted to see good in him. But I had to cut off from him. ”
Sounds more like he has tried to go no contact with you and you and then you flip things as if you are the good guy seeing the good and giving him another chance, yet due to his repeated ignoring you, you have cut off from him, in other words time for a new source of attention.
“I cannot remain to be ignored, for that is my death sentence and I am not allowing you to sign that warrant.”
This is the strangest thing to me. The narcissist continues to put herself in proximity to us, and her behavior shows that she clearly wants my husband’s attention. She never ever gets it. Even if I’m not there, and I’m not always because I have my own life, she doesn’t get it.
She has a boyfriend that she’s had for over a year. I know from the way she behaves that it wounds her to be so ignored and I really don’t get why she puts herself in that position over and over.
This article is very interesting in terms of the way it describes the narcissist’s inner world.
“I cannot remain to be ignored, for that is my death sentence and I am not allowing you to sign that warrant.”
Death sentence. Death. It’s not actually real “death” because that would cause the narcissist to stop breathing and their heart would stop beating. They are still alive, but they fear death. So what is this death that they fear then?
I believe it’s a death of their inner spirit or their relationship with their own self. They don’t know who they truly are anymore, and they can’t access that part of themselves. Their true inner self is where their genuine, authentic life force originates and that part of them is damaged, obscured or suppressed to the point where it can’t be reached when they are alone and ignored.
Their authentic “real” self is replaced by a void, or nothingness. And that creates fear, rage, loathing and jealousy at times when their false self is threatened.
I am not a religious person in the “church-going” sense, however, I do like to study certain passages and prayers in the bible. There are certain words in the bible that make me ponder the actual meaning and sense of what is being said.
Sometimes, when “death” is mentioned in the bible, it’s obvious it’s not a literal “death”, so then, it makes me think of what kind of “death” is being described. For instance, the seven “deadly” sins. Why are they deadly? Committing these “sins” doesn’t make anyone literally die. So why were they described as “deadly”? Also, the line, “Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil”. What was meant by the “valley of the shadow of death”? I guess everyone has their own interpretation of this. To me, it makes me think of a death of the inner spirit or true self. That is, a healthy true self which combines a set of both healthy narcissistic traits as well as healthy empathic traits.
Also, “I am not allowing you to sign that warrant”. So, by ignoring the narcissist, the narcissist feels like you are signing their death warrant and they can’t allow that. They need to maintain the upper hand, or control, or power, to stop you signing their “death warrant”. This makes me really question where true power lies.
“Their authentic “real” self is replaced by a void, or nothingness.”
You’re assuming that there is such a thing as a “real” authentic self, which I personally don’t believe in, or at least don’t experience myself.
That kind of stable sense of self is something that a child builds given suitable nurturing. It’s fiction-turned-reality, a mind-avatar that we use un order to navigate between the outer and the inner world.
My self is rather a collage of selves, and when I look at myself, it’s like looking through a caleidoscope. There is no “one true” self to me. Trying to use the premise of this kind of self only leads me to nothingness/void/non-being. It is not something I can ever attain, and that’s fine. I could probably try building it from scratch, but it would take a lot of energy and frankly, I wouldn’t believe in such a construct anyway.
So what I’m saying is, it’s not the real self that gets replace by a void, it is the real void that gets replaced by a self…
Thank you for your comment. I find it very interesting, and frankly, quite difficult to relate to as well.
Your description of a true self as “fiction-turned-reality” is probably the opposite of how I think of my own true self. I definitely feel that I have a true self, it’s very real and defined and I have always had it.
You say that your self is like a “collage of selves” that eventually leads you to nothingness or a non-being. That’s interesting. It sounds to me like you feel you have a number of different selves that you can pick and choose from, however, none of them are actually your true “real” self.
In contrast to how you describe your “self”, when I think about my “self”, (or question the lack of one), it is very clear to me that I’ve never felt a “void” or nothingness. I have always, ever since I was a small child, been able to feel (only one) definite real self. I enjoy being alone because I feel as though I get time to focus on my “self” and it re-energises me. That sounds a bit weird, but I guess it’s similar to how introverts need to recharge their energy by being alone.
It’s an abstract concept, but I feel as though the greater emotional volatility I felt before I discovered narcissism (being in the emotional sea, as HG describes it) was due to my childhood conditioning steering me away from my “self” being balanced.
To illustrate this, imagine your inner self as a compass. When the needle is pointing at true north, that is when your inner self is well aligned and balanced and you feel relaxed, quietly confident and able to empathise with others but not to the detriment of your own wellbeing.
My childhood conditioning as the scapegoat or lost child caused the needle of my “self” compass to veer away from true north and towards the direction of being “other-oriented”. I still had an inner self, but now it was programmed to believe that others were more important and “deserved” better treatment than I did. My self became unbalanced and not centred on true north anymore. Plus, I became more emotionally volatile. It became more difficult to feel balanced, however, my self was still there.
Now that I’ve learned about narcissism and focused on the reasons behind my feelings of being “unbalanced”, my true self has veered back and is now closer to “true north”. I still feel that I have a self, and it never feels like a void or nothingness, as you describe.
The closest I can get to relating to your comment is that since learning about this subject, I sometimes feel an emotional “flatness” in the sense that I don’t get the same deep feelings of compassion for others that I used to get. I still feel compassion, but it doesn’t override my logic like it used to.
It’s interesting that you say you feel that the “real void gets replaced by a self”. I have never felt this way.
I hope my response makes sense. Thanks again for your comment.
WiserNow, thank you so much for responding and elaborating.
I’m glad you have a stable sense of true self, that’s wonderful and it can certainly act as a compass in your life.
Unfortunately, the idea of aligning with ‘true north’ only works if there is a ‘true north’. For me, that is not the case. I have no clue or sense of what that ‘true north’ would even be, other than a construct/ideal. There is no single construct/ideal that resonates with me to the point of calling it my true self and there never will be.
My various selves co-exist and form a collective self in various combinations depending on the situation. It’s rarely only one self that takes over, and even then only in extreme situations that trigger a specific emotional state associated with that self. I don’t usually get to pick and choose them either. At the most, I am able to exercise a degree of control via my inner observer/narrator, which is a function of my mind that helps make sense of my experiences and controls my actions and to a degree also my emotions through reason.
In my opinion, neither my emotions nor my reason form my self – they are just functions of my brain/mind that help me navigate through life. I don’t hold any absolute convictions (as in “X is right”, “Y is wrong”, “Z is good/evil”) that would allow for a grounding of a sense of self, as I experience the world in oxymorons and metaphors rather than absolutes. I tend to see things from various perspectives, even if I would much prefer assuming just one that I could ‘own’ – or rather, own at all times and not just temporarily. It has its bright moments, but it’s also draining and often makes linear development/progress quite challenging.
WiserNow, I have always felt a sense of self, or individuality as early as I can remember in my childhood. My matrinarc was extremely overposessive and has prevented me from socializing outside our relatives and it has made my self esteem and social skills very shaky. But overall I still feel that I am my true self when I interact with people.
As I was growing up, I never wanted to end up being like my matrinarc. I had to improvise and learned to observe other people and pick up traits from them (like narcissists). And so I also feel that I am like a collage of the traits that I have chosen to pick up from different people, or role models. But I pick up only the traits that I felt would go well with who I really am. Although, I feel that a lot of my identity is shaky because I pick up traits from people that I never lived with or some I have never even met. It is definitely not as solid as someone who grew up with parents that were their role models. But my most inner core is the same and has always been the same me.
I love Psalm 23. It is actually my favorite in the Bible. I can walk in the most dangerous slum area or interact with s bunch of mean bullies and it never deters me. “Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.”. His rod and staff comfort me because they guide me and keep me anchored as to who I really am. I know that I am always safe.
Exception to the rule in some kind of relationship?
Please tell me…. why does your kind stay if you are being ignored? I am still in the same house as mine. We’ve been together for 17 years. Married 12. In the last 2 years I finally started putting it all together. Now that I KNOW I can’t pretend. (THANK YOU for helping me in the last couple of weeks. I can’t absorb enough of your insight) I wear my heart on my sleeve, love or hate. We sleep in separate rooms. Not a hug or kiss in over a year and a half. I’m here till after the holidays for that kids. Why does he insist on holding on? Pretending as though we are still perfect? Is he in denial? Can his mind not grasp the rejection I offer? Is it appearance to the outside world? He is 14 years my elder. I take very good care of myself. Maybe he knows at his age he will never find a ME again? I don’t understand why if I’ve looked him straight in the eyes and blatanly told him, “I’m done with YOU! I don’t want US! I’m here strictly for the kids. I don’t love you!” Why would he keep trying to pretend? Why would he want this?
1. Lack of an alternative IPPS.
2. You will still be providing fuel.
3. Residual benefits – for instance, the appearance of a steady relationship to the outside world, being part of façade management.
Ha, ha, ha, HG! You are in a playful mood! Love your new profile pic. Wonder how many readers will swoon?
Haha. Well they really are a very manly legs. I have to admit that picture has me not opposed to considering oiling those joints myself.
WS, I’m one of the guilty swooners! Although HG’s appearance interests me (because he has kept it secret and because of my extreme curiosity issues), I don’t care what he looks like. I’d still love him even if he looked like Ed Sheeran. (bless his heart). I’m not visually stimulated.
HG has a term for that. Ed Sheeran is “unfortunate of face”.
NA, yes I think of that when I think of Ed Sheeran. I pondered not putting that for fear of offending some. There are those that think the man is gorgeous. Beauty really is i the eye of the beholder. I love the mans music, but IMO, he’s nothing to look at. He was unfortunately ensnared by Ellie Goulding at one point judging by his music and hers back and forth during that time. I didn’t see it at the time, but now that I’m educated, it’s plain to see.
Ellie Goulding. Oh yes.
Thank you for validating that HG. I’ve never thought to bring it up. After finding you, the lyrics to her songs and his was the playing out of an ensnarement that is as plain as the nose on my face!
I feel very fortunate to have been allowed the access you provide. It’s like a magician showing you step by step how to do his tricks. With the gifts you give, it’s Christmas everyday.
Oh yes as in Ellie is a Narcissist? Or, oh yes, a perfect, yummy target for HG?
What? You don’t think Ellie is a narcissist?
Got it! haha
Tall and blonde, your primary type, yes? Just thinking of Amanda.
And Uma Thurman. He says fuel is what matters most but he does seem to have a preference for tall and blonde, Blackunicorn.
Actually, I am probably being inaccurate here. He has mentioned before he likes other actresses who are neither blond nor tall. Felicity Jones, for instance (although it seems he liked more her uniform in Rogue One than the actress herself).
I think he does not have A physical type; as long as she has the right character traits and residual benefits, he likes her. Having said all this, I still believe he appreciates tall and blond appliances .
What was the tallest girlfriend you had? What was the shortest?
Is your ex-wife tall and blonde?
I am looking forward to the next body part.
K, Do you think we can put all the pics together in a scrapbook and make a whole man by the time he’s done? So far, the skin tones are not matching up, but the joints certainly are.
Exactly what I was thinking!
I’m digging out my scrapbook supplies. Time to make an HG doll to play with.
I have some scented magic markers and glue dots!
Thanks, but I’ll scent my doll with Creed. Ummm
Are you going to take your doll to bed with you?
K, you so crazy! I would, but it might be a little awkward asking my husband to slide over and make room.
Ha ha ha…you can use your sex wanga to triangulate with your husband.
K, “wanga” is a word I don’t know. I’m not a triangulator per se, but I do spend quite a bit of time with HG in my ears with the hubs in the room. He’s not the jealous type. Pretty sure he doesn’t feel threatened by that “creepy British guy” I’m obsessed with.
Who are you calling creepy?!
I don’t call you creepy, my husband does!
Tell him to say that to my face.
Well you’d have to show your face for that.
I can wear a mask and still rip an ear off and hand it back
Just don’t speak with that creepy voice or he will know it’s you!
Clarece, does your daughter also wanna meet Sociopaths face-to-face when she grows up?
Are you trying to start your cyber bullying towards me up again? Using my daughter as your opener?
Shameful Nika. Shameful.
Actually, Clarece, what was shameful was what you did, and you know exactly what that was. So quit playing your prissy act.
Nothing to be prissy about.
The party involved that you try to insinuate I did something shameful, has heard my side, has seen the paper trail of exchanges on BOTH sides and accepted what happened with why I said and did what I did at the time and it has been put to rest and moved on from with peace.You are beating a dead horse.
Do not address me further.
Oooh static! Let’s just say he doesn’t appreciate the intricacies of your exquisite voice. That’s ok, I just keep you all to myself. My guilty pleasure.
ha ha ha….
Ha! Emotional triangulation. A wanga is a voodoo doll.
You keep teasing us HG now your legs 😄… hes got legs and he knows how to use them….vacation i take it?😁
No, work but I manage to slip in a little poolside action occasionally.
🎶 He never begs. He knows how to choose them……
You mean as the Pool-Cleaner?
Judging by the suntan, I’d say your poolside action is more than occasional HG.
That’s because I’ve been wandering around in shorts because of the heat – one can still tan and be out in the field
‘Out in the field’ – it reminds me how you plowed through your ex girlfriend’s garden out in the field to destroy it for some negative fuel, you mean bully!
Compared to your recent hand image, that is a heck of a deep tan, especially for one with blonde hair and blue eyes. Sure you’re not a Californian or Italian?
He is an incautious English man in hell.
Nice. And hopefully you are also producing enough vitamin D for the whole winter.
“Out in the field”…ok now im in curious mode lol are you a project manager of some type??? Overseeing jobs being done? Seems beneath you HG but that phrase strikes me as someone whose out overseeing something. Why did i have to be born nosey 😄 i always thought you were connected with the military in some way.
Project manager? Nope.
Do you have flat feet, HG?
I hope it is not inappropriate to ask.
No I don’t
Ok, thanks for replying HG.
I do not think that “flat feet” and “perfection” go together… 😐
Legs like that are hard to ignore.
It’s nice to see that you are getting time to relax amongst work. Well, it’s just nice to see.
MB, I thought the same thing about the tone of the hand versus those sun-kissed legs. But like you implied… those knees definately match the knuckles.
I just think that…
Trying not to swoon, Windstorm. 😊
BKK, the two pictures obviously taken at different times of the year. Go ahead, give the legs the BKK analysis! I enjoyed your detailed analysis of the hand.
On second thought… just as with the hand, I have a lengthy leg analysis in mind. Oh, do I have some thoughts a stirrin’. But I’m afraid my assessment might get too vulgar.
Thank you HG. You confirmed my thoughts.
Had a thought of a win/win idea for you and hubby:
#1 You close the boudoir door, put on sexy lingerie, his favourite fragrance, and blindfold, and lie on your bed (fresh new linen, for enhanced sensory experience).
High heels optional.
#2 Hubby puts on whatever turns you on, and enters the boudoir silently. He reads (in a cool, quiet, controlling tone) HG’s ‘Own’ to you, or whatever turns you on.
Hubby moves around the bed as he reads/recites and at various intervals strokes you with a feather or his tongue on various parts of your body, and moves ever closer and whispers the last paragraph into your ear.
You can feel his hot breath on your skin.
You can’t touch him at all until the end.
Then you go for it with abandon.
What do you think? He’ll come to appreciate HG too.
I love that your scenario appears hinged on the door first being closed. That seemed paramount lol.
NA, “hinged” in the door being closed. I see what you did there.
I’m pretty sure that kind of scenario only happens in the chick flicks anyway.
That’s funny Caroline R! Very thoughtful scene you paint. This man is like a brother to me. I have never connected with him intimately/romantically. I love him, but don’t enjoy sexy time unless I imagine him to be somebody else. I cannot kiss him and keep my eyes closed during sex. I am repulsed by the scent of him. I’ve spent my entire life (since age 13) with him and have never had sex with anybody else. I crave the experience you describe, but it can never happen with him. If you ask him, he would have a completely different take on it. He is very attracted to me and would say we have a wonderful sex life. All else is good. And that’ my friends, is why I’m a Dirty Empath. If no other way but in my head.
K, I’m still waiting for Santa’s call. I need him to talk dirty to me down the phone line. My bank is running low from being on the shelf. I need some material to play during my wifely duty.
Until it all goes to hell when MB’s Creed scented HG doll is discovered under her pillow by the hubby.
True K, re: my HG doll. He seriously isn’t the jealous type though.
Once during a summer vacation, there was this super yummy life guard that I oohed and ahhed over for the whole week. I even teased about faking a drowning in order to receive mouth to mouth. He was Scandinavian and the accent drove me wild. Needless to say, I had lotsa of questions about the surf, the flags, what to do if stung by a jellyfish…any excuse to strike up a conversation. I watched him from my hotel balcony bright and early in the mornings as he dug the holes and carried the chairs and umbrellas out and lined them up down the beach. The morning that we were checking out, my husband surprised me with a picture of the life guard. He had taken a snapshot for me to remember him by. Wasn’t that just precious?
So glad you found my comment!
This scenario could be happening tonight at your house MB. This DOES happen in real life.
Your hubby will be VERY happy to play when he sees how turned on you get.
And yes, every couple needs a good lock on the bedroom door.
Have hubby read (& record) all of your favourite articles by HG, and then hubby can choose which one he wants you to listen to via headphones. It will feel more elicit that way.
You aren’t allowed to choose, hubby is in control.
Obviously the Creed-spritzed doll is out in the garage at this point.
Hubby writes you an imperiously written short note, leaving it somewhere for you to find ( eg, your undies drawer). It says in a superior, bossy tone what you may listen to. “You may only listen to this one article, or feel my fury”. In the cupboard where you get your teacup out in the morning is a note written in capitals:
YOU WILL OBEY ME
It’s the virtual HG experience.
But not soul-crushing.
You get to feel loved and sexy, and have deeper connection with hubby. No devaluation EVER!
You anticipate pleasure all day, then hubby comes home and delivers.
Does he have any erotic literature he’d like you to read? You could record it for him for Christmas, for when he’s en route, or at the gym/walking/etc. His friends will be so jealous that he has a hot wife who wants him, and likes to give him aural. Yes, that says aural.
Yes, you are the hot wife.
Let this spark your mojo/ creativity.
I loved your HG tour scenario, MB. It crackled with power!
Perhaps more importantly than even a lock on the door would be padded walls on all sides ♥️. Concussions and heavy bruising, though barely noticeable at the time, have been known to occur from such severely heated, raw passion. ♥️
Caroline R, somehow I missed your Plan B and Plan C sexy time scenarios on the thread. You absolutely didn’t offend me or hurt me! I live a pretty cushy existence with *nearly all* my Prime Aims met. Don’t feel sorry for me. PS, I’m not turned on by aural from my husband. HG is the only voice that does it for me!
MB and Caroline R
I missed them too, I only caught it because of nunya biz’s comment.
Nunya’s comment is why I saw them too. I didn’t want Caroline R to think she had offended me. It’s all in good fun. I wish there WAS a way to make my husband sexy and attractive to me. There are women who are attracted to him in that way. (At least one anyway, since he had an affair 20+ years ago. — Who could blame him?) I’m just not one of them. I love him and appreciate him for all his other attributes. He has been a good husband and friend nearly my entire life. He is one that is content with whatever is. Like a reliable hound dog. I am the one always searching for that “something more” that I am never going to find. And that is nothing to do with him.
Plan C in virtual HG experience:
In your undies drawer, tucked into a particular bra or corset, (or lacey cami, whichever he likes) is a note from hubby with
PUT THIS ON TONIGHT
I’LL BE HOME @___
I’LL DEAL WITH YOU THEN
Put wine in the fridge.
You have all day to anticipate being ravished.
Make some template ‘orders’ like the above, give them to hubby with a black ribbon around them. Have him get creative with his own. Tell him he can use one per week, leave it for you to find and….
You fill in the rest.
Thank you for explaining. I’m sorry if my comments are inappropriate or make you feel uncomfortable. I’d never do that intentionally.
Now I understand about your HG doll.
I hope I haven’t offended you or caused you any heartache.
HG, this makes me very nervous.
Just found your comment, thanks again for explaining and for the reassurance that what I posted didn’t cause you to feel uncomfortable.
I asked HG to delete the sexy times/play time comments because I felt they were inappropriate under the circumstances.
He’s made the executive decision to leave them insitu, which he I will abide by now after having your response.
No worries Caroline R. I enjoyed your take on it. You’re giving Dr Ruth a run for her money!
Well I hope everyone knows my comment had nothing to do with HG dolls or sexy times. MB, I find your fantasizing relate-able for sure. I have a comment on the blog somewhere that mentions I am fantasy prone. Sex fantasies are amazing. I still keep thinking I’ve gotta get a book written, even if I’m the only one who likes it, but it lets me exercise that indulgence and I feel I’m pretty good with words. I also think it’s important to act on them sometimes!
Caroline’s writing is yummy in that vein.
Usually my comments post in approximately the right spot, but on this page I see the comments started going wacky, as others made after mine posted before mine, etc…
Here’s to fantasies fulfilled!
We’ll all read it.
Hmm, maybe narcsite may need an ‘explicit content’ warning after we’ve lived at Tudor Mansion for a while.
Do you have anything you’ve written that turns you on, and you want to share with us? Anything like HG’s ‘If you go down to the woods’?
Are you going to read and record “Own” for us please?
There’s a possibility that YouTube will go into meltdown on the day you release it, but I’m willing to take that chance.
More than likely.
I’m no writer. I prefer to listen/read erotica. HG’s voice turns me on no matter what words he’s saying. I don’t hear the message, only the words/the voice.
I also get my aural fix down the phone line when I’m off the shelf by “my” N who has a sexy voice too. (Maybe half HG’s, unfortunately) It’s why I don’t go NC. It’s an addiction. A guilty pleasure for a DE fantasist. It’s all I want from him. #safesex
You’ve made me happy twice today!
Caroline, thank you for the much needed encouragement! I don’t have the beautiful, readable, simple grace of HG, but I’d love to fully attempt to create something and see how it turns out.
I enjoy process anyway.
“Explicit Content” is my favorite. Of course the first e-book I read was “Sex and the Narcissist”.
No need to pull out your scrapbook supplies when HG has plenty of scrapbook supplies! You can just borrow his! Don’t forget about his infamous scrapbook of body parts of women he’s dated. I still shudder at the thought.
Ha ha Jenna. Yes, I know. Creepy, right? That’s why I said that.
Just thought I would remind you in case it slipped your memory (or you did not know about it). Creepy is right! I can’t picture HG cutting and pasting though! Does a minion do it Hg?
I actually don’t finds his legs attractive dare I say. I like not like knowing what he looks like. That way he looks exactly like I want him to. He can never live up to the fantasy. Sorry Mr Tudor 😏
Great point Kellie. It’s like reading a novel, creating the appearance of the sexy leading man however you like. My friend always tells me that fantasy is better than reality. Something tells me HG won’t disappoint. 😉
A wise comment…
Thank you for asking this. I’m in a similar situation but my children grown up and none with him.
Your examples of parental conditional praise are interesting. I know my narc was a great athlete. He’s never spoken poorly of his parents, always in admiration of them. But I wonder if he grew up receiving that type of conditional praise in his athletic endeavors. As I try to sort this all out in my mind, it definitely gets me thinking.
When my sister was working in another country, I used to reply to all of her emails everyday. My replies were really long (as I like to tell stories) and I reacted to all of her stories. She ran out of money and I responded right away. My husband agreed to loan her money, the amount was his idea, he said to make sure that she will really be ok over there. Then a week later she sent a group email to all of us her relatives and some of her friends saying that she bought these furniture and decorated her apartment. My husband was upset that she went shopping with the money so he told me to not reply to her immediately. Just reply to her every other day or so. So I spaced my replies by about twice each week and they were much shorter. Then as time went on, I got lazy at replying to her since my son was only a few months old, I was busy with family. When she got back, I picked her up from the airport (she didn’t have a car) and she was going to stay at our house because she was broke. I was going to hug her and she turned away. As I was helping her load her luggage in my car she said that she has a bone to pick with me and that she was upset that I didn’t write her emails when she was in that country. She said that nobody wrote her emails. Aparently I was the only one who wrote her the most but I started to write her less and less so she was so angy with me. She turned the music in my car off and wouldn’t talk to me the whole time. At that time I couldn’t understand why my emails would mean so much to her when I have my own family and she has her own life. Now thanks to you and your work, everything makes sense. Your work is really amazing and I believe that it will definitely be your amazing legacy.
MP- Reminds me of my sister, who is bound at the hip to my mother. I would constantly get a stomach ache not knowing if she was going to speak to me or not.
NB, oh my gosh isn’t that hard? That’s exactly how I felt when she lived with us. Also when we would have visitors I often wondered if I will be triangulated. Although at that time I was not aware that it’s called triangulation. I just knew that it always felt awful.