The Stare

 the-stare

The eyes feature prominently in an engagement with another person. You look into someone’s eyes to read them, to allow them to read you, you look away from someone in order to convey certain emotions, you fail to meet somebody’s gaze to convey others. I have written about the eyes of our kind previously but let us turn to a specific element of the use of eyes in the narcissistic dynamic and that is the stare.

Ordinarily, staring at another person is considered to be rude and ill-mannered, although it may denote fascination and even infatuation, but even that stare from a besotted admirer can be regarded as rude, never mind the unending gaze of a passer-by who cannot believe what he or she is witnessing. The stare when deployed by our kind takes on a different application altogether and it manifests at different times during your engagement with us.

  1. The Stare in Seduction

It is not used by all of our kind, but if you have been subjected to it, you will know it and you will remember it well. It was the time when those brilliant blue eyes locked with your own eyes and stared deep inside of you. Those flashing emerald eyes appeared transfixed as they stared at you. The rich brown eyes which seemed to melt as they gazed at you wavering. Whatever colour our eyes are, when you first received that seductive stare, the colour seemed to become brighter, the light shone in them and the intensity of our gaze was immense. It was not so much as being looked at, but rather an event in itself. Our steady stare was unusual as you probably had not experienced it from anyone else previously. You wanted to look away, torn between a sense of discomfort but the mesmerising quality of our eyes kept you looking back into them.

At that moment, our relentless gaze told you that you and only you mattered. There was nothing else of consequence in the universe. The background drained away, the surrounding sounds became muted and all distractions were removed. We wanted to show you that our devotion to you was beyond anything else. Only by allowing us to stare at you for such a long time were we able to convey the depths of our love, the vastness of our desire for you, the sheer scale of our need to be with you. Time slowed and then stood still, your skin tingled from the experience of this tantalising stare. Your breath caught in your lungs, your face seemed to flush and the wave of addiction washed across you, sending a shiver up and down your spine, around your neck and twisting your stomach. In that instant we became your universe as we showed you the world in our eyes.

Yet, what you really looked on as those two eyes continued to bore deep into you, was yourself. We commenced this engagement by knowing that to stare at you for an unconventional length of time would make you feel both uncomfortable and captivated so that you would then show us what was in your eyes. You would reveal to us your desire, your love, your hopes, your wants and your dedication. All we did was mirror back at you what you showed to us, amplified through the auspices of the mimicry for which we have become known. In that moment as we held your gaze from across the table, or after that kiss, or as we lay on top of you, we showed you yourself and thus sowed the seeds that caused you to fall in love with us, but really it was with yourself. That is why your love became something beyond anything that you had ever experienced before. That is why it was deep, powerful and absolute, because your subconscious saw what it wanted to see and this fired-up powerful and immense responses in you.

The world whirled in our eyes, your world. We offered limitless possibilities through the promise we mirrored back at you and by keeping you in this gaze we told you that we wanted you above anything and everything else. We wanted you. We wanted you. We wanted YOU.

  1. The Stare in Devaluation: Neutrality

In ‘Why Does He Seem Like A Different Person’, I explained about the stranger setting where the person who once lit up your life, becomes like a stranger, almost robotic. This is a change which occurs as the devaluation begins. It is not always present as some of our kind move straight into the dark abuses of the devaluation from the off, but there is a precursor to this when the person who once walked in with a cheery smile and a kiss, just enters and sits down, devoid of any prevailing emotion.

If you experience this, then you may also experience the stare at this juncture. This will be a hollow gaze which is accentuated by the blank expression that accompanies it. It is not a look of confusion or misapprehension; it is not a look of dimwittedness but is instead the empty stare of an empty person. You are looking at the void that exists within all of our kind. This represents the crossroads. The seductive stare glowed, fizzed and shone with the fabricated positive emotions which would cause you to respond with positive fuel. That has gone. The darkness of the devaluation has not yet commenced and its drawing of the negative fuel. Instead, you are looking at the in-between. The eyes which are devoid of warmth or hatred, empty of passion or malice, just a blank stare which conveys the void within.

This will cause you to become confused. It will have you ask whether everything is alright and have you wondering what has happened. You will be mystified as to where those mesmeric and scintillating gazes have gone. Why are you no longer looked at with that piercing and uplifting look? Where have we gone? If we had a soul, it is as if it has been sucked from within us, leaving only this husk behind. You cannot complain that you are being badly treated, since no abuses have yet been deployed against you. This empty and robotic stare is a warning of what is to come and should you see it in those you engage with, heed it and make good your departure because it is signaling to you that a far worse stare awaits you.

  1. The Stare in Devaluation: Malice

This, perhaps, is the stare that most associate with our kind. When you are subjected to our malicious stare, our eyes darken, emphasised by the contortion of our features which makes us appear like something else. The glowing greens, brilliant blues and blissful browns have vanished. The glinting grey eyes are no more, the halcyon hazel has been banished and instead a dark and glowering black has taken their place.

This gaze will cause you to shrink back under its impact. The hatred that is embodied in the ink darkness will turn you cold, send ice through your heart and is enough to even cause you to burst into tears. Terror will grip you because when this stare is deployed against you, you are seeing the evil in our core. The pure, unadulterated hatred which we have for you. It is seething, dense and vicious. It bears down on you, reminding you of your weaknesses and vulnerabilities, a blackened glare which keeps on driving at you, pressing down on you, forcing you to feel small and wretched.

You may have caught the occasional malicious glance from us, just a flash of hatred, but that is something else. Those glimpses were warnings which could only be used for an instant to avoid detection by third parties and the fracturing of the façade. This is a stare. Sometimes it may be accompanied by hissed words of threat and insult. Sometimes it is cloaked in silence, the balefulness a clear warning that a period of silence will now be visiting you.

The person that you thought we were will be utterly absent. Your world has been annihilated in an instant and replaced by two orbs of glinting black, which tell you that you are hated. Totally hated and that much worse will be visited on you in conjunction with this stare of concentrated evil.

  1. The Stare in the Discard

This is perhaps witnessed if you are actually told of your discard. More often, it appears post discard when you try to see us, to plead with us for answers, to beg us to take you back and so forth. This stare is one of pure contempt. Disdain and distaste for you. How on earth did we come to couple with one so weak, so pathetic and so disgusting as you. You make us shudder to think that we once even looked at you with favour, love and longing. The shame we feel at choosing someone like you is thrust to one side to be overridden by a contemptuous stare, that is designed to weaken you in your tracks and tell you that in no uncertain terms we want nothing to do with you. We have someone far better. This stare is to urge you to keep away and to forbid you from reminding us that we once promised you the world. We do not want to remember such matters. Somebody else receives those promises now. You are an unfortunate reminder of a part of us which we prefer to keep locked away and this stare conveys this through contempt and loathing.

  1. The Stare in the Hoover

The Malign Follow-Up Hoover as you would expect applies the same approach as the malicious stare detailed above. Should we make contact with you for the purposes of trying to convince you to return to us, whether it is post-discard or post-escape, we will look to hold your gaze once again. This time those eyes of ours will shine again but with hope, longing and contrition. Vulnerability, sorrow and remorse may appear to loom large in the rounded and pleading gaze which we now hold you in.

Once more this is pure artifice. All we are doing is mirroring what you show to us. The hope that we might have seen the error of our ways. The longing for us to come to the realisation that we have done wrong. The sorrow for a person who must behave in this manner. The remorse that you engaged with someone so vile. The longing that you have for the golden period to shine once again. It is all manufactured as we mirror back to you what we see but for the purposes of hoodwinking you once again and with mealy-mouthed assurances and never to be delivered promises, we hook you back into our grasp.

The stare is a prominent weapon when we engage with you. It is a device that fabricates those emotions we do not possess and allows you to see the reality of who you have entangled with when you look up on the emptiness and shrink from the malice.

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96 thoughts on “The Stare”

  1. Dear Mr Tudor,
    Many thanks for your reply …l’m sorry for the delay
    My mum is swimming in positive fuel right now …. why would she rock the boat …it’s all in her favour
    I’m her only lifeline
    Luv Bubbles xx 😘

  2. Most of the time, when reading HG’s articles, I continually have questions in the back of my mind about why certain behaviours occur in the first place – behaviours on both the narcissist’s AND the empath’s side. These questions fill my mind automatically and I can’t stop from trying to figure out why. I guess it’s the empath’s neverending quest to try to understand, rationalise and get to the truth.

    The narcissist’s stare is one of these behaviours. I’ve seen the empty stare and the acting – or mirroring – stare. Sometimes, I’ve searched their face for emotion and motive just as much as they have searched mine. But I’ve “seen” these things only after becoming aware of narcissism. Beforehand, I couldn’t see it, or couldn’t believe it.

    What’s interesting, I believe, is that nature has made the narcissist one step ahead. They are the ones who actively seek out victims and then use their manipulations in a targeted way. Whether it’s done instinctively or with clear knowledge, they pursue in a predatory way. They actively seek to overpower.

    Until the time an empathic person becomes cognitively aware of what’s happening, they are largely not prepared for the predator. The stare works and the other manipulations work. These predatory actions “work” because the empath doesn’t think in the same predatory way. But more than that, the empath’s own emotions do not easily allow knowledge and logic to save the day. It takes time and repeated worsening experiences. Victims protect themselves only when they become aware AND are willing to act on that awareness largely in opposition to their own natural instinctive motives.

    So, it seems nature is generally, or at least initially, on the narcissist’s side, so to speak.

    Nature has given both narcissists AND empaths a natural advantage though. Narcissists are predatory and get the first blow, however, empaths are equipped with inbuilt ‘independent’ restorative survival instincts, IF they are willing to act on their experiences.

  3. This was profound to read HG. I only saw the malice stare once. I will never forget it as it terrified me. His eyes are a beautiful green but that night they turned jet black. I finally saw his true self and it shook me to my very core.
    To this day I cannot remember most of that fateful night which I find intriguing. It confuses me as to why my memory is failing me. I never saw him again and within a few days I chose to go no contact.

      1. Original Overthinker
        Thank you. It has been a rough ride (as it is for all of us) but I have slowly realized life is better without the ex.

  4. I stopped giving him eye contact towards the end. Too much had happened, lies, discards. I think sub consciously I made his face almost a blur, as his stare, with it’s lack of warmth, pupil dilation unnerved me.

    I struggle with eye contact in general now. I am aware I don’t give eye contact the same in conversations, nervous I look like I have severe mental health problems* aloof or am hiding something.

    Has the damage caused by Narc’s affected anybody else like this?

    * I am definitely depressed, wish I wasn’t, feel guilty that I am. I am struggling post entanglement, my self esteem is trashed.

    1. OO
      I grew up afraid to look anyone in the eye. Until I was in my 40’s, people would come up and start talking to me and I would have no idea who they were because I’d never looked at their face.

      Now I can look people in the eye, but when I’m out in public I rarely do. It is safest and less complicated to keep my eyes on the ground.

      1. We went to New York 3 weeks ago … I was hustled twice, still obviously a soft touch. My 13 year old daughter is more switched on than me, she said as we were leaving the hotel. No eye contact today Mum! x x

    2. OO,

      I’m sorry you’re going through that. I have been there as well. Time will eventually get you centered again but it does take time. I still don’t feel completely centered but I am back to being happy now. I can totally relate to what you said about not being able to give eye contact. Or the feeling of not wanting to be seen. I didn’t want people to see the wounds that I was hiding. I was trying to appear as normal as I could. It’s like you have created walls for self protection.

      1. Thank you mommypino, that has given me hope. I want my happiness back, feel guilty I am not as happy as I should be. X x

      2. O.O
        Guilt is a useless middleman and con that adds nothing to your life. It keeps you tied to what happened in the past and questioning what could have been, or what you could have done, (and none of that can change) instead of moving forward. What happened happened and now that you can see it in the rear view, you have the power to change it. That is a better expenditure of energy. Give your energy to those that deserve it (that includes yourself) rather than those undeserving, who have already taken more than their share of yours and are moving on to take someone else’s, blissfully ignorant of your feelings – guilt or otherwise.
        Just my opinion.

    3. OO, you don’t need to answer this if it’s too personal, do you have someone supporting you right now?

      1. Hi mommypino

        I have support. However, I cannot go into detail about the root cause or how I have been affected by the Narc that was in my life.

        The Doctor has prescribed anti depressants, I don’t want to take them. I wanted to get though this without. However, this recovery is taking longer and I am feeling worse than I thought I would. X x

    4. OO, take the antidepressants. If you haven’t needed them prior to this, the doctor will be able to wean you off of them as you get stronger. Don’t suffer any more than you already are. Hugs to you!

      1. Hi MB

        I did email consults with HG they have helped massively especially the one this Summer, when I found out he is with somebody else.

        It was an audio reply so I can relisten so the points made are reiterated.

        I am very sensitive person, it was complex, we were teenage lovers, reconnected (or at least i thought we did! Hurt from everything appearing to be a lie now.) He had Cancer during this time, I gave him everything I had.

        So it is all emotional wounds for me, and don’t think that is HG’s bag. The need is for me to heal and move on as graciously as I can.

        Grace is the last thing I feel at the moment. Not great when it is the season of goodwill to all mankind.

        I am going to reply to NarcAngel now, her response regarding her Mother is very thought provoking totally relate to obsessive thinking. Maybe Anti depressants are the crutch I need for a little while until my thinking is less clouded.

        Thank you again

      2. OO, I’m glad that HG is giving audio replies now. I had wished that some of my early consults had been recorded. There was so much information, I was unable to keep up making notes and still being able to listen. I gave up on notes!

    5. Hi NarcAngel

      I hope you can see this, there was no reply under your comment.

      Thank you I really do appreciate your opinion. I am driving myself mad, I cannot seem to change my mindset.

      Trapped in my thinking going over minute aspects of it all.

      I made a comment a couple of months ago that it was a 5 years entanglement. You said that was a lot of time and to give no more to it. Move on and be happy. That is where I am stuck. So want that, my biggest wish for the New Year.

      X x

      1. OO, you may have answered this already and if so, I apologize. Have you consulted with HG? If not, I highly suggest a Skype consult. He can help get your ET under control and give you a bit more peace.

      2. O.O
        I don’t mean to imply that it is easy or can happen overnight. It can sometimes be a slow process, and I hate that you are stuck. Guilt was the word that caught my eye because I view it as one of the most useless emotions. Even anger can spur you forward, but guilt does nothing but erode. I’m hoping that there is some way that you can find to link guilt to say – a wastebasket. When you start feeling guilt, to crumple it up in your mind and throw it in the virtual wastebasket with all of the other trash that was and will never be again. Try to replace it with a thought that looks to your future. Something you used to like to do that you are free to enjoy now that you have the time, people you love and have seen less of because your time has been monopolized, read, do a spa day. Breathe life into yourself. These are things that speak to a future and happiness – not to what was and cannot change. Start small trying to change your focus and you will slowly find your way. I am not usually one to champion meds, but long ago I suggested to my mother that she speak to her Dr about something like Prozac to help with her obsessive thoughts. She told me only recently that she was worried she would not be herself or become addicted, but that she was at the end of her rope, so did exactly that (unbeknownst to me but I did notice a difference after that). She said it changed her life. It stopped the obsessive thoughts (of him) and allowed her to see that she could feel differently after feeling trapped and depressed for years. Dr gave her a prescription and she had scheduled appts to check in with him. She took them for a couple of months and then told him she did not need them anymore and has not taken any medication since. She said all she needed was to see that it was possible to feel differently, and when she did, she knew things could change where she never thought they could before. Then she said something I never thought I’d hear. She said: I should have told you then, but better late than never – you saved my life. Thank you.
        Sorry for the book.
        NA

      3. Hi NarcAngel… Thank you again… It is after midnight here, I have just hit the wall. I will reply to you and Bubbles tomorrow. Night x x

    6. Dearest Original Overthinker,
      I’m so saddened you are going thru this struggle currently
      You should not feel “guilty” my precious … you did absolutely nothing wrong
      Narcs change part of the persona of who we are … hopefully for the better in the end
      I understand all too well the self esteem issue, depression, guilt, entanglement … I’ve had it all
      I’ve always been an eye contact kinda person …. but now Im a bold eagle … I now look at everything, hear what they say and what they don’t say
      Mr Bubbles and I were berated recently (verbal abuse) from one of our kids partners (he was under the influence) ….he stared us in the eyes big time ….. total disrespect after all our generosity and treating him like family
      I’ve been struggling enormously with forgiving him (the empath in me) and Christmas time because they live together and not losing our child into the bargain
      I almost caved ..but if it weren’t for Mr Tudor …l will now not let myself be treated like that anymore …you get one chance (in fact even Mr Bubbles came down like a ton of bricks that I should be spoken to like that, he copped a whollop as well ) ….we have banned him from our house
      Please let Mr Tudor help you…… if I can do it, so can you my lovely
      You are worth a lot more than you realise …you just have to acknowledge it and believe it
      Luv you pet
      We are here for you
      Luv Bubbles xx 😘

      1. Awh Bubbles thank you, you seem like such a cuddly warm person. (Ha I have just teared up, I think I need a hug!)

        I am sorry for what you are going through with your daughter’s partner. I hope she can see through him before there is too much Heartache for her and you all. I know your decision would of been tough and goes against what you have stood for in the past. However, it is correct to show you won’t stand for it.

        It is funny, about the persona, I used to like myself. I was modest, could read people and situations. I was known for being a nice person.

        I used to always tell him I could never read him (probably should of been a red flag along with lots of others). Always thought love was the cure all.

        I am questioning everything about myself, hence all the emotions, the why am I never good enough is a big one today.

        HG and the support of commentators has been brilliant and made me know I am not mad.

        Thank you, and if we don’t comment again. I hope you have a lovely Narc free Christmas.

        Lots of Love

        A/x

    7. OO
      I am nervous to look someone in the eye now. It makes me feel vulnerable which then increases my anxiety.

      1. Brokenrainbow

        (Just had the Edwin Starr song Eye to Eye contact song in my head, I swear I have ADD)

        Sorry it has had this affect on you. I am going to call things the narcaffect.

        Vulnerable such a good word for how a lot of us have become because of the wounds left. Something we should never feel as adults.

        Here’s to 2019, A repaired Rainbow shining bright after the rain and a lack of Overthinking from me. Dancing to Eye to Eye contact giving no shits! X x

    8. Hi NarcAngel

      Thank you, I really appreciate your replies to me.

      You have logic and reason which obviously helped your Mother at time of great distress to her. It was very touching to read at how grateful she was to you when she couldn’t see the wood for the trees.

      I am seriously considering taking the anti depressants as I know I can’t go on like this, I am continuing to break my own heart.

      Thank you again
      A/x

      1. OO
        There was a time I had to go on antidepressants. If I hadn’t, I couldn’t have kept working. I moved beyond them, though. Think of them like any medicine. You only need it till you get better.

        I’d advise trying them and see if they help. Give them at least 3 weeks. If they don’t help, just stop taking them.

      2. Hello OO,
        Merry Christmas! Don’t be apprehensive about taking the anti-depressants. It’s only meant to be for a temporary time. To help you not feel overwhelmed and be able to get some restorative type rest which will ultimately help your clarity and mind truly start to heal. In a year from now, you could already be phasing them out.

      3. Original Overthinker
        Darling girl,
        Do whatever you need to to stay alive. Everything else is of secondary importance.
        We support you.
        We care about you.
        You’re precious.

      4. Hi O.O
        Just a note to add:
        My mother said that at the first appt. she only asked for “something” to help her and the Doc prescribed something first that only helped her to sleep but didn’t help with the obsessive thoughts. When she went for her follow up she asked specifically about Prozac (only because I used that specific example). He replied “excellent choice” and prescribed that. She said the difference was night and day. I mention this because the first thing you try may not be perfect for you, but be honest about how it makes you feel and do not be afraid to address with your doctor if it helps or does not until you find the right one for you. Use them only as directed and only until you feel you honestly don’t need them. Hopefully that and the passage of time will help. All the best to you O.O. We are all here with you.

    9. Hi OO,
      I can definitely relate. The eye contact, aloofness, and depression. Along with my battered self esteem, I can’t trust anyone. No interest in dating. I’m 52, and I don’t think I will ever find love with a normal guy. My ex destroyed my confidence in the bedroom, I’m having to learn how to be a sensual, confident woman again. I left him 3 years ago and have been on 2 horrible dates (no sex).
      I still have hope, even though it’s barely there. I hope you do too OO. Take care of yourself. This is not a ‘normal’ break up.

      1. Hi Cindy,

        In my mind you are doing things right. You are positive, you have hope.

        Even though the dates were disasters, you didn’t settle for less than you deserve.

        You are learning to be sensual again, so you will know what you want and pleases you. Sounds like you liked and wanted sex, so will be an excellent lover, when the time is right.

        Carry on building your confidence and self esteem and hopefully things will click in place.

        Definitely not a normal break up it was a soul destroyer.

        Best wishes for Christmas and a hopeful New Year. X x

    10. Dearest Original Overthinker,
      Thank you my lovely for your comment… it was very much appreciated
      There’s a saying …

      “Love is blind” …..it’s so true

      If you can’t read someone …. don’t bother (I couldn’t read the Weasel…big red flag now as I look back … no one could read him … I’m prettty sure it was deliberate on his part and it’s a narc thing

      I’m like that with my mum …..sometimes I can read her, but then she surprises us with a doosey…. I may need to consult with “oh wise one” … to be sure to be sure…. they throw you off your radar and you question yourself repeatedly …. and being too close clouds your judgement and of course being an empath just makes it worse as we are always looking for the good

      Never good enough…… I know this one ..feel free to ask me questions …haha

      Start with self affirmations ….by saying … I AM good enough, in fact, I’m bloody better than that and everyone can go get stuffed ..haha

      As Mr Tudor mentions … overthinking, stuffs us up, forever questioning ourselves… we must stop this … we are fabulous and narcs know this …nice people get treated like crap … soooooo true
      Youre a good person precious, never doubt that …. you’re better than good

      My punctuation buttons have stopped working….. sorry pet

      Mr Bubbles n I are having Xmas lunch with my mum today ….. so Xmas day will be narc free …. perfect haha
      Merry Christmas to you beautiful
      Hope Santa is good to you and lots a ho ho ho hugs 🤗 lovely one
      Luv Bubbles xx 😘

      1. Update on Xmas lunch today with Mumsy
        My mother was perfect in every way today … Mary Poppins would’ve been proud … haha
        She gave me stress a few days prior to today … didn’t know which way the coin would land … heads or tails
        Today she was generous, set the Xmas table, jovial, dressed up nicely, chatty, even managed an emotional gulp about our family and I even detected an emotional Xmas 😢….and happily listened to my Xmas music (she hates Xmas music)
        I supplied the complete homemade Xmas lunch and lots of pressies

        What say you Mr Tudor…… confusing is an understatement
        Luv Bubbles xx 😘🤶🏻🌲

      2. She neither felt wounded or challenged and instinctively needed to manage the facade to draw positive fuel.

    11. I have been back to the Doctors this morning … Citalopram 20mg … Thank you to all of you for your support … A x x

      1. Dearest Original Overthinker,
        💖
        😘🤶🏻😘🤶🏻😘🤶🏻
        Luv Bubbles xx

  5. I would like to add another “type” of stare I have experienced .
    It came -randomly for me,calculated for him- throughout all the different stages of the relationship :

    The gauging;
    calculating ;
    testing ;
    reconnoitering;
    investigating -strengths and vulnerabilities ;

    detecting-every single change in my facial expressions, the blushing or paleness of my face ,every movement of my body language in my interaction with him and others;

    calibrating;
    seizing;
    possessive;
    controlling ;
    scrutinising ;
    examining;
    absorbing;
    piercing ;
    completely enclosing , enveloping;
    “swallowing” ……stare

    Different schools and cadres =different stares?

      1. And this type of stare I have experienced belongs invariably to? (meaning which school-cadre?)

      2. But the ex-narc stared like that.
        And he had said that he had decided against his ex-first-and-only-real-love (the one who’s like your angel from the past), because she had avoided his look ….

      3. Hello ava101,
        I do not understand your comment but reading it twice I believe it is addressed to HG and not to me?

      4. Yes, SuperXena,
        hat was addressed at HG.
        I meant HG’s angelic, ideal love from the past, who would heal everything, etc.
        My ex-narc had that, too.
        So, he commented on how he was able to look into his eyes, when he was staring at me kind of …. intensily and for a long time, and repeatedly …. like I had passed a test. And he said, even though that woman had broken his heart, blaaablaaah, that he had broken up with her because she hadn’t liked how he stared at her / looked into her eyes …
        And he had a completely different facial expression when he did that, I said that before, it is like he had at least 2 totally different faces …

      5. Hello ava101,
        Thank you for expanding. I understand why you experienced him as having two different faces. Actually they do. Not just two but many: the higher the degree of effectiveness the larger repertoire of faces. The well known masks. They learn how to mimic facial( and body) expressions.

        But the eyes, there is something different with the eyes, the stare.
        I believe that that is the one thing they cannot mimic or mask: what you see or not for that matter ( void-hollowness) in their eyes is very revealing. No way of hiding ,concealing or masking what their eyes reveal.

        Well, at least in my case ( with a GE narcissistic psychopath or psychopathic narcissist whatever label he may be given) I felt from the beginning something was off with his eyes.I did not know then but now I know it was his predatory and dominative nature revealing in his eyes: always following ,detecting,piercing,possesing , encompassing ,controlling me and my surroundings.

        Now that we know it should be a major red flag: the weapon they have with the eyes/ stare becomes then a vulnerability.

      6. Just adding ava101 ,
        That reminded me of something: he hated and got irritated every time I wore sunglasses, he couldn’t read me then.Of course I did( even at night and indoors just to irritate him …just joking).
        Now I am just reminding myself to forget.

      7. HG?
        Have our description changed how you look at women in any way?
        (I mean not how you regard them, but how how you literally look at them, the look in your eyes, etc.).

    1. SX
      Your description of the detecting stare is spot on. I had never before experienced anyone who could detect a minute change in my expression, my very thoughts, and loved making me blush and always picked up on that too. It creeped me out but also intrigued me, just as HG stated. I wasn’t around for devaluation or discard but will never forget his brown eyes turning black, nor the super intense eye contact with narcex.

      1. Thank you wissh.

        They can mimic facial and body expressions but their eyes still say nothing: lifeless, hollow, inert but with a touch of malice.
        I wonder if this particular stare that belongs to the Greater school are those who have psychopathic traits and malice?
        I call these eyes :malignant eyes.
        Wishing you the best for 2019.

      2. Superxena

        Your description of the stare, was triggering for me. That and reminded me of a conversation I had with my ex. We spoke of micro expressions, mimicking expressions etc. I told him he was very good with the expection he had a certain micro expression I know now it was the millisecond between what response was needed in different situations.
        When I was younger I was told I was imagining things and people didn’t do this. My ex found it interesting I could see this. He would question me about my oddities. I believe that was why he rarely lied to me. I never revealed everything about me to him, it may have been more so due to he never asked.

        I hope your doing great and have a wonderful New Year!

      3. Hello Twilight.
        Thank you. I hope 2019’s start is peaceful and positive for you!

        Yes, I agree with you. There was always a micro-delay between responses on how he was supposed to react empathically to some situations since it was just cognitive and not felt.

        I believe that the degree of effectiveness lies just exactly there: in the duration of the delay. The shorter the delay in the response the higher degree of effectiveness.
        Wishing you the best for 2019.

      4. Hi Superxena

        Thank you, the start has been a little rough dealing with mix emotions that will not influence my positive outlook of the new year.

        My husbands delay was obvious, probably why he kept certain individuals around that were not quick subtle, would be being smack in the back of the head for them.

        I have to say it was the one thing my ex worked on being quicker with, he would ask me occasionally what I had observed. I am wondering if he was using me to “improve” now.
        He contacts me every so often, I just don’t respond. I came close when I realized he had been in my home. I had no proof to report it. I have to stay three steps ahead of him, even now.

      5. Twilight!
        I am sorry to hear that.
        Isn’t there a way of blocking him completely. There has to be a way..

      6. Superxena

        He is blocked every where. Changed my phone number twice and moved twice. I didn’t think he knew where I lived now until I came across something that was definitely a message to me he had been in my home. One of my devices I use was set back to factory settings and a specific knife had been moved, one he owned at one time. Nothing else had been touched in my home. Only one way I will ever speak to him again, he has to face me it will be on my terms and not his and he won’t do that.

      7. Twilight,
        It sounds like it is time to report it to the police authorities? If you have not done that yet….

      8. Superxena

        What would I tell them? I have no proof, only what I know to be him. He could easily “prove” he has had nothing to do with me for a while now. He quickly brainwashed people who didn’t even know me into spreading lies and turned people against me.
        I am dealing with a Greater I seriously pissed off.

        Please don’t take offense, I believe you mean to help.

      9. Twilight,
        No offence taken . Difficult situation.
        I wish you well.
        My warmest regards.

      10. Superxena

        Thank you. I believe we may have had a slight misunderstanding of my mixed emotions and the timeframe of what I believe my ex did. My ex was a few months ago.

        I have always dealt with things alone and I have been more open here which has caused mixed emotions.

      11. Twilight,
        I have full understanding of your mixed emotions of being more open here.

  6. I asked him why his eyes were so different one evening – we were already separated. I joked that he looks like a fish when he stares this way. His answer was that he must protect himself from being hurt. Does the cold stare really have a protective function?

    1. Your comment was challenge fuel and his response was designed to assert superiority by suggesting you are hurtful and thus a bad person.

  7. Funny you should post this HG as yesterday I had a friend around and this is one of the things she talked about to me. Her ex (who beat her violently and would have killed her if the police hadn’t got to her in time) had the stare and it used to come out often.I personally havn’t seen it in every narc but certainly in about four and even then only usually once per person. With three of those people it happened when I wasn’t looking directly at them. I get a sense to immediately turn and face them and then I see it. One day, I was with a GEN and I had my eyes shut as we were playing a game involving energy. Again, I had the sense to open my eyes and what was looking back at me actually made me jump back in fright.

    But by far the worst one involved PN this summer. I ignited his fury by not doing what he wished. There have been times in my life where I have experienced true terror. I wasn’t scared that he could hurt me, he’s an old man and not in good physical shape, it was what I was looking at. Fuck. I’ll never ever forget what I saw that day. The utter malevolence in not just his eyes but his face. I was not looking at a human, I was looking at a monster. I turned away and I could not bring myself to look at him again, it was that frightening.

    1. Dear god! I clicked on your profile pic Renard and I’m at work.. that will teach me for being nosey! 🙂

      1. No worries Renarde, it’s a beautifully sexy image. I like your current one also 🙂

    2. I’m sorry that happened to you Renarde, I think it made it even worse to process that it was PN rather than a romantic interest. We all can still get leveled by our parents because it is our natural instinct to always look at them as our first caregivers.

  8. The stare fascinates me – whether it is the shark eyes or the ghost town, it is chilling when you see it. The first time I ever saw the empty stare it had a huge impact on me – my intuition was screaming, it was very unnerving.

    HG, do many of your partners comment on the stare or recognise it? Do you see it in yourself or only in others?

    1. It’s interesting you say you found it fascinating Sarah as I did too.
      He sent me pictures when I was being given the silent treatment from a distance – pictures of him glaring at the camera, at me. Like you, it had a huge impact on me too. He scared me so much and he wasn’t even near me. It kept me from reaching out to anyone, I felt very isolated. The power he held over me with his eyes alone.

      1. Presque Vue, I feel the same way – there is something about another person looking at you in this way that is very isolating. I agree, it is easier to push it to the back of your mind than to think about it as fear takes over.

        As NA has mentioned below I cannot look at photos of the N at all because I see the smile that completely evades the eyes. It is unsettling albeit intriguing.

        When I was a little girl, I had a recurring dream. It was a blue sky which all of a sudden turned red. Out of the grass would rise the head of a black wolf with piercing blue eyes staring at me. I have a theory that the N was the black wolf with the stare that haunted me. The dream I have had countless times.

      1. Dear NarcAngel
        I was just gonna say that …. spot on ..clever one
        They can’t smile with their eyes … we empaths can
        They want what we have and they’ll never ever get it
        Dead eyes dead heart

        Luv Bubbles 🍾 🤶🏻🌲

  9. Pingback: The Stare ⋆ NarcTopia | NarcTopia
  10. The seductive stare is really something that is exciting, sexy and mesmerizing. Absolutely dangerous. It made me feel like everything in the universe stopped and I had this connection with him that nothing can ever break or permeate. How can anybody fake that? I had no idea that a handyman can be such an amazing actor. Although I am thankful that I experienced that at least once in my life. Even though his was fake, the amazing feeling that I got from it was real and unforgettable. And I also experienced the neutral stare from him and the silent treatments when I didn’t allow what he wanted to happen. But when he left he said goodbye and avoided the eye contact with me. He was looking at my 4 yr old and one year old and my special needs stepson, but not me. He then said, “We can say hi.” But he was still looking at the kids whom that message was not applicable to. He closed the door and I was stuck in confusion. Then he opened the door to ask me if I wanted him to let the dog inside the house. He caught my confused facial expression. I told him to let the dog in and he looked down on the ground chuckling like I was such a funny creature, then looked at me like he thought I was cute. Then said goodbye. That is why I has such a horrible withdrawal when he left even though nothing really happened to us aside from me having a huge crush on him. I couldn’t eat and was in so much pain from missing him and wanting him. So thankful I found your blog. I don’t mind saying this again and again. I have zero emotional connection with him, just memories and lessons. So thankful for your work. I hope that you will continue to succeed.

    1. Eye gazing like that is likely my biggest weakness. If I’m attracted I get sucked right in immediately. I very much prefer a loving gaze, or the mirroring as you describe, HG. I really think there can be something spiritual about it, and I crave sex that way. I kind of want to know more about it. It seems to me there is some truth in there and I want to find something. That is more real to me than any specific form of relationship, which is a secondary consideration to me. I feel cynical about it, like I said, because I’m unsure what that means. I know there is a place where you are seeing yourself, but there seems more to it.

      But I was remembering after reading this a different stare that got me worked up once, someone that I never spoke to but have always remembered the eyes. I think he was a psychopath and he never said a word. Weirdest thing my husband was kneeling in front of me to tie his shoe and I was standing facing him and glanced over top his head and a man purposely walked behind him into my line of sight and turned around and looked into my eyes. They looked extremely predatory and “dead” kinda and I told someone later, “I couldn’t tell if he wanted to fuck me or kill me.” I also said that I almost followed him across the room, my mouth fell open for a sec. Never saw him again.
      Anyway, it was a really long time ago and it’s how I perceived it, but reading this I was wondering why that was such an immediate turn on to me, completely spontaneously. I like to think I don’t have a death wish : P,
      but maybe something related to risk/reward impulsivity. Or I guess biology. But I know I am also very much attracted to men who are not like that at all.

  11. The narcissist stares at both of us. Especially my husband of course, and puts herself in his line of sight whenever possible. It’s so obvious and pathetic.

    I think she finds me irresistible.

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