Eyes Wide Shut
Will you ever recognise me as I walk towards you, rictus grin fixed across my face, eyes ablaze with love, passion and desire? Will you notice the way I keep you in my sights as my charm flows over you, seeping into your every pore and orifice? Will you take heed of the sugar-coated words as they spill from my mouth, telling you so remarkably all the things that you want to hear? Will you take note of the phrases which have been recycled again and again and possess the novelty of a cliché? Will you look deep into my eyes and see past your reflection or will you remain transfixed by what shines in these dulled, dark eyes? Will you question how is it that I know so much about you, where you live, where you work, your hobbies and your hates? Will you feel the chill down your spine as I appear once again without warning at a location you frequent or will you regard it as the tingling sensation of excitement and the thrill of my alluring personality? Will you question the platitudes that I issue, like confetti sprinkled on the breeze or will you smile and nod and savour the warmth that rises within you as I tell you how wonderful you are and that we belong together? Will you frown at my declaration of love within a day and a night and a day of meeting you or will you accept and swallow those carefully crafted words without a moment’s consideration? Will you wonder how my hands and mouth became so skilled or will you submit to their heady application and give breathless thanks that they are laid upon you? Will you query how this golden light continues to shine and wonder why you were chosen above all the others? Will you see through the veneer of scathing hatred for those who have gone before you or will you become co-conspirator and sneer at her or at him, disgusted by their lack of dignity in the way that they behave? Will you not ask yourself whether their words ring with truth and why they look as if their very essence has been sucked from them, leaving naught but a fractured shell? Will you wonder why the gifts keep on coming? Will you question the forbidden fruits that have been laid before you or will you gorge on them, delirious with desire and elated by the ecstasy of our largesse?
Will you recognise me when I turn my face from you when you try to kiss me? Will you know what is happening when you are left in a tearful heap on the floor for the third time in a week or will you flagellate yourself for your shortcomings? Will you notice as the triangles are weaved around you and your best friend becomes your supposed enemy, but by whose say so? Will you fight back against the control that is exerted on the way you look, what you choose to do and who you interact with or will you accept it and allow your sense of self to evaporate? Will you understand what is happening to you as you crawl alone into that ice-cold bed, this once haven of sexual congress that now lies like an empty tomb ? Will you realise what is going on as you blink back tears as the clock shows 3am and you have no idea where I am? Will you stand up for yourself when you are labelled whore, slattern, idiot and fool or will you bow your head and retreat, thankful that your injuries are only verbal. This time. Will you remember what you once were ? Will you remain bound by the chains of confusion or will you break them across your knee and free yourself from your cruel bondage?
Will you recognise me as my hand grips your throat and my bile-infused words rain down on you, spittle flecked hatred peppering your face? Will you dial my number for the fiftieth time in two hours as you desperately try to hear my voice and ask me, beg me, plead for me to come home? Will you wince as another dinner set falls prey to my savage fury ? Will you kneel and pick up the pieces, fingers shaking as you fumble for the broken shards that lie scattered across the floor? Will you know what is being systematically done to you each and every day or will you obscure the reality by praying for that golden light to come back and dispel the darkness? Will you recognise me for what I truly am or will you make yet another excuse, wondering what will happen when you run dry of the excuses and hastily constructed explanations for my reign of terror?
Will you recognise me as I cast you aside, shoved into the dirt and sneered at? Will you look up from the smouldering ruins of what we once had and see her (or is it you?) looking back at you with disdain writ large across her made-up features? She seems so familiar, do you know her, there is such a fog now and it clouds so much. Will you understand why you have been forgotten about as your numbed fingers compose another searching e-mail, asking for explanations that will not come, expressing tearful anger that will be smiled at, detailing your abject hurt which will only ever receive a dismissive shrug?
Will you recognise me for what I am when I reach out a hand and lift you from your broken existence? Will you know what truly is going to happen as I lead you once more towards the brilliant, burning golden light? Will you feel the prick of caution in your mind or will you gladly race towards the promised land once again, concern and hesitation thrown to one side? Will you notice the rictus grin once again as you race ahead of me? Will you pay attention to the darkened glint in my baleful gaze or will you charge headlong towards the paradise, addicted to its warmth and glorious sensations? Will you recognise me as I close the door behind us, bolt it and turn the heavy iron key in the lock as the thick drapes are pulled across the dirt-smeared windows? Will you notice the sharpened dagger that I have produced and hold behind my back?
Will you stop and glance in the shattered mirror that dominates this place and if you do, will you recognise yourself?
13 thoughts on “Eyes Wide Shut”
The knot of tension inside me tightened as you led me through each paragraph.
My breathing was barely perceptible as you led me by the hand into that room.
The sound of the lock.
My body taut with apprehension.
“Will you stop and glance in the shattered mirror that dominates this place, and if you do, will you recognise yourself?”
I saw myself in that mirror.
My eyes alert with fear.
I was holding my breath.
Did you listen to it also Caroline R?
Narcs have been conditioning society to create victims for untold generations.
Not if you wear a Venetian mask.
Yes, I will. 😉
that was really a great read HG. So f@$%ing true.
We have HG. I, for one, will never go back nor will I spend any time seeking answers, closure or anything from the current ex narc.
As for the one prior to him a couple of years ago where I was just one of many DLS’s (no HG then so no understanding), I like to yank his chain. Just last week when he was asking for me to come by for sex (let’s say 6 hours drive one way for a 5 minute quickie AND he too, sucks in bed), I questioned him about a few other people on his Facebook friends list. Well now, didn’t I get blasted for coming up with wrong conclusions and misinformation! Ya, whatever dude, I got your number now due to HG. The conversation ended in him saying ‘well why don’t you just delete me’. Instead, I just stopped replying to his messages but when I texted to say hi today, I’m no longer in his contact last, he doesn’t recognize my phone number, oh, and we aren’t friends on Facebook anymore. LMAO My poor heart is soooo breaking! errr Not. Classic textbook. And half a deletion by him; he removed but didn’t block me. He pulled that block shit right at the beginning back in 2015. AND he answered today. I’m still laughing at him.
I think, I would say about 35 times yes and 5 times no. He called me a whore, but that was, when I spent a whole night with one of his close “friends”. That is ok. I would rage too.
I have had a bad conscience at that time, but now I am glad that I did it, although nothing happened (no sex) . At that time I did not know how dangerous that was and how much he felt wounded at that time, because everybody saw it and he could not hide it.
He could do nothing else than to play the superior one.I am so proud today, that I did, what I did.
I did it, because he ignored me a little bit too much before.
At least I know now I am a beast, if someone provokes too much.
Will you understand why you have been forgotten about as your numbed fingers compose another searching e-mail, asking for explanations that will not come, expressing tearful anger that will be smiled at, detailing your abject hurt which will only ever receive a dismissive shrug?
Going to burn the above quote from this article into my brain!
Actually….I feel as if I have already come to the acceptance of the loss and what he really was. It’s actually a nice feeling…freedom…freedom from deception, control and being toyed with. It’s actually quite amazing when the years of agony from losing Eden and Adam and the garden of paradise with all of its promises of life to the fullest and happily ever after come to a slowing stop. It’s quite nice to come to acceptance, there is freedom in acceptance…I always thought that was clique but I am learning there is a gold nugget of truth in it. Although I will say it has taken me 4 years to get to this acceptance after much begging and graveling and making a 100% complete fool (jester clown) of myself! Almost feels as if I have a Bachelors in something…like a sort of graduation. The down side is…I can spot them now from a mile away and there are so many of them…so many! I also do not know if this experience has ruined me for normal men. I am no longer normal…never was. However it is nice being out from under the mind and emotional control…i will relish in that feeling for awhile…so nice that I do not have to send anymore messages or emails and I no longer feel compelled as all hope has finally bowed before acceptence as defeated. Reality has indeed taken its place.
HG …the narc with me grinds his teeth and grins intencely evil like when he is petting the dog and when he grabs me …to pop my back, and says quotes like “I must break you.” Is this the rictus grin ..teehee .
Beautifully written piece, HG! The entire cycle wrapped up with a neat bow on top. Everybody should read this! They will be hooked on your work.
Only time will tell…
but I’m a SE (smart empath) now 😙 xx