Utter Disgust


You disgust me. How did I ever choose to be with you? How did I not see what you really are? You conned me. There can be no other explanation for what has happened. You drew me in and promised me so much. You offered all that I needed and now you have revealed your true colours. Another chameleon. I would have thought that I would have become more adept at identifying you by now but I suspect that you came with leaden tongue which was draped in sugar as you sought to lure me into your despairing world. I cannot believe that you behaved in such a way and after everything that I have done for you. This is the method of your thanks is it? You are a disgusting person to behave in this way. Building up my hopes, thinking that after so long searching and hunting that I have finally located the one that would always give me what I need. The sole supply of my strength, the bearer of joy, the provider of sustenance and yet you promised all this and when it came to the moment of reckoning you failed to deliver. I should not berate myself for once again I have been fooled by someone who came with obscuring smoke and confusing mirrors. I am but a simple and straightforward person who offers only dedication and a perfect love. You knew this yet you lured me in with your false promises and empty words.

How did you think I would react to such perfidy? With a smile and a “oh it does not matter”? Of course not. You failed me and in the most offensive way possible. You have insulted me, me of all people. You have caused grave offence through your disgusting conduct and that was why you had to be punished. It is not good pleading for clemency. You held a position of trust and you abused that trust in a foul manner. You were given complete and utter access to my inner being and you achieved this through manipulation and fraud. Your punishment accordingly must match this heinous crime. Look at you, snivelling and begging, the crocodile tears spilling down your face as you plead for leniency and another chance. How many chances must I give you? You have failed me so many times and you have taken advantage of my most generous nature. You disgust me. So weak and so pathetic. You thought you could break me but you could not. You thought that you could outwit and outflank me. Not a chance. You thought you could do as you pleased but I have found you out and for that you shall receive your comeuppance. Get up and have some dignity. By heaven, I cannot stand it when you behave like this. Your weakness offends me. I can smell the putrid stench of your pathetic vulnerability now that I have pierced that fraudster’s veil. The offensive odour is all pervasive and I want to vomit such is the disgusting sensation that arises from it. Get out of my sight, you turn my stomach. How did I ever think that you would be the solution? I must have taken leave of my senses but then in a way I did. You made me believe in something that was not real. You duped me. Me, me of all people, someone of my brilliance and intellect, taken in by the sleight of hand of a trickster. I cannot stand this association with something so vile as you. I despite you but I also despise myself for having ever chosen you. You promised me everything and I fell for it. I thought I knew better. I thought I had it all worked out, the path forward and the road to infinite excellence but you were waiting around the bend again weren’t you, you despicable bastard. You ambushed me and just as I thought everything was right, correct and well, you sought to topple me with your clandestine behaviours. Your deceit run through you like a disease and you are riddled with it. Do you see how it causes your features to twist in some sick parody of what you are? The vitriol and the malice age you. It is bound to be the case for nobody can such sick sin for too long. I suppose that is why you try and conceal it isn’t it? Your leering sick grin cannot be looked upon for it will reveal all your other warped features, the grimacing evil that stems from being such a disgusting creature as you are. I cannot stand to look upon you, I cannot bear to hear your screeching and pitiful voice which makes me shudder when I think how often I desired to hear it. Oh what a fool I have been to have been taken in by your promises. You have misled me over and over again. How could you behave in such a manner? Are you not disgusted with yourself? You ought to be. I can feel the bile rising in my throat as I contemplate what you have done to me and now as I see you for what you truly are. Leave! Be gone! I have no desire to have you in my eye any longer. My disgust overwhelms me and I must escape your presence. I said for you to go. Why do you remain staring at me and mocking me with those hooded eyes? Is there not end to your torturous ways? Stop looking at me. Stop it, I demand it. Perhaps if I shut my eyes and yes, you have gone. Ha, I am not finished yet. I have dispelled you but even as I keep my eyes shut tight I know that when I open them again you will have returned because I can never escape you can I?

Listen to ‘Utter Disgust’

14 thoughts on “Utter Disgust

  1. J.G says:

    Hello, H.G.Tudor.
    It is not a defensive act of the narcissist to project our own feelings against us as it does to seduce us with our own feelings and our own traits.
    It’s exactly the same.
    They feel the same, because they are a pure mirror, a reflection of ourselves.

  2. J.G says:

    Hello, H.G. Tudor.
    So, this is what a narcissist feels when he starts his devaluations.
    It’s practically exactly what the victim feels.
    It is fascinating, the projection they make of themselves in their victims, the attempt to justify their own acts. Throwing their garbage, to the laying of their victims.
    The irony of life.
    Sometimes what you most desire is never fulfilled.
    and sometimes what you least expect to happen, occurs.
    You meet hundreds of people, and never leave a trace and suddenly you meet a person and change your life forever … Usually for bad.

  3. Cindy says:

    Once again, the ironic nature of this disorder is exposed.
    My ex doesn’t even know what irony is; which is an irony in itself.

  4. Leslie says:

    Provoking, blame shifting, gaslighting, triangulation, denial, projection, blah blah just to create an internal justification for playing dick elsewhere.

    I can recite the whole boring drivel myself but why bother? Mr. Boring Narc Drama go. Please. I’ll even hold the door open for you. Don’t waste time looking over your shoulder though. The open door set me free as well. Lol. ;D

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Did it? Your comments seem to suggest otherwise Leslie, more reading to be done.

  5. screwyoudick says:

    Great writing HG! I hear myself speak and the narc as well.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you.

  6. . says:

    Love that remains

  7. Kathy says:

    I just wish my ex would officially consent for divorce. I’m less disgusted and more amused these days.. It’s like an alien in a human body suit. Love to you HG!

  8. freedgypsysoul says:

    This is how I feel when I think of the ex narc with the exception of one sentence; I do not despise me for choosing him. I made the best decision I could, at the time, based on information available to me AND I’m more than willing to admit that ‘I made a mistake’. I’m human, I make mistakes. Best I can do is course-correct once that mistake is found and that’s what I’m doing. He’s gone, he’s out of the house, he’s someone else’s problem now so when I open my eyes, I no longer see him in front of me. And what a blessing that is 🙂 Goodbye and good riddance! 44 days since he moved out, 44 days no contact for me and it ‘was’ 14 of those that he DID contact but I just double checked my blacklist log on my cell and low and behold….there was a hoover attempt yesterday! So make that 15 days he HAS contacted me. OMG that is funny, I’ll will be laughing for a bit hereover that.

    Anti-narc pill consumed for today (a little HG reading to keep us on the straight and narrow). Thank you HG

  9. lisk says:

    Yes, Dear Narc.

    I’m only human, of flesh and blood—and imperfection—I’m made.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Phil Oakey says hello.

      1. lisk says:

        Hi, Phil. I still keep feeling fascination!

Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Previous article

Eyes Wide Shut

Next article

The Fading Narcissist