The Doormat

THE DOORMAT-2

 

The doormat. There it lies with a pleasant greeting of “welcome home” emblazoned upon it and all it gets is routinely overlooked and trampled on, but it never flinches, it never backs away from performing its function. Many of our victims find themselves regarded as doormats by our kind. Not only is this evidenced by the way that we regard you but it is also as a consequence of the way that we treat you. It is not those factors alone however that cause me to ascribe the label of Doormat to a particular appliance. Much of it comes from the thinking, attitude and mind set of the relevant victim. I have mentioned my sister, Rachael previously. Whereas I trod the path that has led me to where I am today, Rachael found herself becoming a doormat. She was routinely trampled on by all the members of our family and I watched and observed as we grew older as to how this manifested. As time progressed and with the increasing awareness that I have obtained, allied with the observations of the good doctors, I identified certain characteristics that she has which I have also seen in those who have been my primary source victims. I have concluded that whilst numerous of these victims have come close to being doormats, only three have actually achieved that status along with my sister.

Now, it is a mistake to think that a doormat would be regarded as weak. Naturally my kind think this but that is part of our mechanism for maintaining our superiority by pouring scorn on your traits and how they lead you to be treated. Those who are doormats exhibit a different kind of strength. They are weak in that they fail to assert themselves with sufficient emphasis to enable them to escape the worst of out treatment, but they possess a strength by virtue of those characteristics. To be able to have those characteristics and keep them, whilst being abused, ignored, trampled on and taken for granted, is perversely a form of strength and one which we welcome. We want appliances that will keep functioning, obeying us, pouring out the fuel and complying, without breaking down and malfunctioning the first time matters become rough. Finding a doormat amongst our victims is gratifying because it means that this person will not depart us, they have no desire to do so. It goes further however because they wish to stay not only for our reasons but for their own fulfilment as well. They pour fuel in our direction, remain subservient and compliant. What are the traits that constitute a doormat?

  1. The individual is sensitive and guilt-ridden.
  2. This person has learned to survive hostile environments by meeting our need for gratification. This first and foremost applies to the provision of fuel but it also goes further. The doormat will gratify us by allowing us to do what we want, recognises our need and right to do so, allows us to utilise whatever resources we see fit and caters for all of our needs in terms of fuel, trait provision and residual benefits.
  3. The doormat’s perception of love has become skewed. This person seeks love through the excessive accommodation of another’s needs. This may not just be us when we have attached them as a primary source to us, but in respect of other individuals. Those individuals may not be narcissistic but the doormat still wishes to accommodate the wishes of other people (something which of course irritates us and leads to conflict) because the doormat regards his or her role as one of accommodating everybody because then that means that they will be loved.
  4. The doormat simply gives too much. They do not take. They give of themselves on every level, from their emotions, their dedication, their time, their energy, their thoughts and their resources. They are impressively resourced in these matters and appear to have almost limitless time, energy etc. although eventually it becomes evident that they have not.
  5. The doormat does not feel safe unless he or she gives. If they perceive that they are taking they feel alarm and distress. If they are neither giving or taking they feel restless and out of their comfort zone. The need to provide and to give allows them to fulfil their role and in turns embodies a sense of safety for them. Once they begin to feel safe they will continue to give in order to remain in this safe place. This is why the doormat is drawn to our kind because we are takers and do so on a vast scale. We are made for the doormat and even though the doormat may not know what we are, their coupling with us, provides them with an innate sense of safety and security.
  6. The doormat must meet the emotional needs of the narcissist. We are empty. We are voids and your emotional attention, your fuel, needs to be poured into us. The doormat feels a need to ensure that those excessive emotional needs are met (although fails to realise that this can never be achieved) and therefore remains hooked and beholden to us in as the doormat tries to achieve the impossible. I have watched my sister continue to do this with Matrinarc.
  7. The doormat suffers low self-esteem but this is boosted by the success of the narcissist. My victims who were doormats found that their self-esteem was increased by my achievements and my accomplishments. I watched my sister gather her self-esteem from being linked to the achievements of MatriNarc, my father and me. This is a curious behaviour and is not unlike our stealing of traits from those around us in order to add them to our construct and in turn make us look better and more attractive. The doormat does not acquire the traits of our success but the fact we are successful and they are linked with us results in their self-esteem being increased.
  8. The doormat has a high tolerance to emotional abuse. The lashing out through heated fury and cold fury from our kind against the doormat causes the doormat to realise that the emotional need of our kind has increased. This signals to them that they must leap into action. They have a call of duty and rather than find the emotional abuse debilitating (at least at first) they regard it as a useful signal for them to do something in order to cater for it. However, all the doormat is doing is allowing a pressure to build up of this repeated emotional abuse. The doormat can tolerate it for longer than a standard victim but then there comes a point where the threshold is reached, the pressure can no longer be sustained and withheld and at that point there is a substantial and serious damaging effect on the doormat from the release of this pressure.
  9. The doormat feels guilt when catering for his or her needs and therefore almost in a masochistic way will place themselves in the firing line once again with our kind in order to assuage this guilt.
  10. The doormat feels undeserving of being loved. They want to be loved for what they do, rather than for what they are. They regard themselves of fundamentally unworthy of love save when they are carrying out their role. With my sister I saw this with both my father and mother. My father emphasised how it was important to help others and my sister saw that as a clear signal to flagellate herself in catering to the needs of others and especially our kind. My sister also explained to me that in respect of MatriNarc that she never says that she is happy but that my sister knew MatriNarc was happy with her because of how my sister felt, namely devoid of guilt and valued because of her excessive giving. I regarded her thinking as deluded but I did not correct it, because it served my purposes as well.

Listen to ‘The Doormat’

51 thoughts on “The Doormat

  1. Bubbles🍾 says:

    Dear Mr Tudor,
    Speaking of “doormats”
    The weasel was welcomed into the home of his daughter’s boyfriends parents (empaths) at Xmas and there’s an open invitation for him this year as well
    Normally his brother had him for Xmas … but now that the weasel and his fuel (same brother’s former ex) have parted ways … brother must be slightly cheesed off, I’d say
    I guarantee the weasel’s mid ranger “victim” role played a huge part
    What a slimy little critter
    Everything you say Mr Tudor just falls into play
    Mr Bubbles and I are fascinated by the weasel’s performance ….so predictable and on par

    I stopped being the “first” to send Xmas cards to everyone every year (only overseas ones) … the response has been overwhelming …. disappointing

    Excellent article Mr Tudor… you cover so many vital observations which I luv, as I have been able to make heaps of changes
    I started with a new doormat…. mine says
    “NOT WELCOME” 🤣
    Thank you
    Luv Bubbles xx 😘

    1. windstorm says:

      Bubbles
      I love Christmas cards and send out about 60 a year. If I didn’t send them out early, I’d get none in response. As it is I only receive about one for every six I send out. I remember as a child, my mother kept a box of Christmas cards on the kitchen table and would send one out to everyone who had sent us one, but never before she received their card. I asked her once why we didn’t just send them out to everybody and she said that if they hadn’t sent us one first, they didn’t deserve one.

      1. K says:

        WS
        that made me laugh and it reminded me of my ULN’s mother.

      2. 2SF says:

        That made me laugh Windstorm, such narcish behaviour!

        1. windstorm says:

          2SF
          Well, my mother was a narc – one of those passive-aggressive midrangers. She wanted to be perceived as good. It used to bother me that if we received a card right before Christmas, that the one we sent back wouldn’t arrive until after Christmas (here the Christmas season ends on Christmas Day). If we sent the cards out to everyone early, then they’d all get them on time. But Mama couldn’t stand the idea of wasting cards on the unworthy who hadn’t taken the trouble to send us one first.

      3. Bubbles🍾 says:

        Dearest Windstorm,
        I luv Xmas, xmas cards …. you name it… everything xmassy
        Your mother sounds like my mother …tit for tat
        However, I “made” my mother write Xmas cards to her last couple of remaining living friends…. after much huffing n puffing n blowing hot air from her end
        I had to contact one of mum’s friends in England as she thought she had died because she didn’t receive a card before Xmas … (mum was sent one of those animated e cards instead) … she doesn’t go on her computer anymore
        Technology and Facebook have stopped a lot of niceties
        It’s takes effort to select a suitable card, write something personal, buy a stamp and post it ….. you’re actually thinking of that person
        I find it amusing the belated ones you get “after” Xmas …haha
        It’s not like anyone doesn’t know when Xmas day is
        I hope you ended up with heaps
        Luv Bubbles xx 😘

      4. 2SF says:

        Windstorm,
        (sorry for responding so late, I had to scroll through different threads, remembering you wrote it, but I was unable to find it).

        Anyway what I wanted to ask is, did your mother always talk about people she visited (or who came to visit) negatively afterwards? I mean always mentioning the bad stuff never the good side of the people (unless of course they were in high positions or gave her loads of positive fuel)?

        1. windstorm says:

          2SF
          Short answer: yes. Mama was really friendly and nice to everyone (other than Daddy and me) in person, but bad mouthed everyone afterwards. I never understood it growing up and wondered if all adults were that way. One reason I believed I was abnormal.

    2. Leanne says:

      “The weasel” made me snicker

      I used to own a possum. Her name was Dixie but I always called her “the weasel” awwwww I miss her 💞

      1. windstorm says:

        Leanne
        A fellow possum lover! Not enough people appreciate possums. I used to rescue tiny ones who’s mother’s had been run over. I’d crochet little pouches for them that I wore around my neck when they were tiny.

        They were so cute – in an ugly sort of way. They’d come out and climb up and hang in my hair. The last two I had was when my daughter was in high school. Don’t think she’s ever recovered from me picking her up from tennis practice with possums in my hair.

        1. MB says:

          WS, it is so sad to see the babies all standing on their dead mama in the road! I picked up 3 once and they were so cute! No way could I have left them there. The way their tails would curl around my finger. I took them to a rescue though. I didn’t have the confidence you do in my possum-rearing abilities! They are fascinating creatures.

        2. NarcAngel says:

          Windstorm
          Haha. You paint quite a vivid picture.

          1. windstorm says:

            NarcAngel
            Here’s another mental image for you. Not long after our youngest son had moved in with us, we were sitting in our living room watching tv and drinking coffee. One of the possums came down out of my hair, walked down my arm and perched itself on my coffee mug. He sat there peering down trying to figure out what it was and fell in head first!

            Coffee went everywhere and he was soaked and sputtering! I fished him out and began to console him. Our future son sat frozen, with eyes like dinner plates, staring. Years later when this story was brought up he said all he could think about was, “Is she still going to drink that coffee?”

          2. HG Tudor says:

            That amused me.

          3. NarcAngel says:

            Hahaha!

            Wait. DID YOU?

          4. windstorm says:

            NarcAngel
            Ha, ha! I’ll be honest. I seriously thought about it! I’d just sat down with that coffee. But after all his splashing and thrashing around, there was only about a third of a cup left. I had to take him to the kitchen anyway to bathe him, so I rinsed out the cup and got a refill.😄

      2. Bubbles🍾 says:

        Dear Leanne,
        How cute owning a possum … We have a native one living in the tree in our backyard
        The weasel I know …. I certainly don’t miss him ….🤣
        Luv Bubbles xx 😘

  2. SuperXena says:

    This post always reminds me of:
    Sweetdreams …
    “Sweet dreams are made of this
    Who am I to disagree?……
    …..Some of them want to …..”

    1. windstorm says:

      Superxena
      Oooh! I absolutely love the song “Sweet Dreams!” Very true and when I first heard it on the radio, it meshed so with my own observations of people in my life!

      1. SuperXena says:

        Oh yes WindStorm. That song is a good one. I understand why you see it like that ,surrounded by so many narcs and still strong as you are!

        For some strange reason I have had it in my head lately in many different remixed versions . I wonder why…something perhaps to do with awareness?
        Music mirrors our society…no wonder why some songs persist….They do speak volumes. Alarming?

        Season’s greetings. I hope 2019 finds you and your grandchildren well WindStorm!

        1. windstorm says:

          Superxena
          Seasons greetings to you, too! We are all fine. Hope you and you family is well also and have a great 2019!

          1. SuperXena says:

            Thank you WindStorm. My family and I are feeling very well. Good start for 2019 for us!

      2. Tappi Tikarrass says:

        It is a killer tune Windstorm
        Here’s another one of theirs I play occasionally these days.
        Very relevant to our experiences- thorn in my side.
        Gonna put it on now and sing it out

    2. NarcAngel says:

      It reminds me of Seal’s
      “In a world full of people, only some want to fly, isn’t that crazy?”

      1. SuperXena says:

        Oh that one NarcAngel!
        “…But we’re never gonna survive, unless
        We get a little crazy…”

  3. J.G says:

    Doormat, doormat I don’t know if I’ll ever be, but I felt that way about my narcissist. If I wasn’t, I didn’t miss much. Even today I do not understand how he came back and returned blindly to his feet. Stockholm syndrome, I suppose. Or because of my lack of limits. You can’t put doors to the countryside.
    1. colloquial phrase in Spain, used to imply the impossibility of putting limits to what does not admit them.

  4. mommypino says:

    Sadly, I see a lot of myself in this. The only difference is I am not masochistic as I don’t see my giving as a way to self flagellate. Instead I see something that I can contribute to someone’s wellbeing, wether it is an encouragement or a gift that would suit them. The giving is more about them and not about me. I have a propensity to feel guilt easily but my giving is not from guilt. I have my own self esteem, I know the blessings that I have even though I don’t go on about declaring them all the time, but being linked to my successful father and brother and husband does increase my self esteem as well. When I was younger, especially when I was living with my matrinarc, there were times that I struggled with asserting for myself but it was not a percasive pattern. I do give and give and withhold my judgment, giving benefit of the doubt, and for a really long time, longer than most people would but once I find out that I am being manipulated or taken advantage of I have a controlled explosion with the aim of teaching a lesson but even in those times I never fully lost control of myself. As I age and learn more about people, and also from my new awareness that certain people really will never change, I will be more discerning with the people that I invest my time and energy on.

    1. MommyPino says:

      Actually the more I think about it, the reason that I have a tendency to give and give is not to flagellate myself but because I grew up having so little of so many things. By filling a need or helping someone, I feel that I’m helping somebody like myself when I was in need. I also don’t help unless it is convenient for me. But like a doormat, sometimes I question mybown sanity for puttin up with so much crap from people who didn’t deserve it nor appreciate it. They don’t even remember it.

      1. Bubbles🍾 says:

        Dear MommyPino,
        I hear what you say and I can relate so well
        I had a huge decision this Xmas with my son’s partner not being allowed back in our house …. we didn’t relent …. and my son came regardless
        He respected our decision and still wanted to be part of the family ….in fact, he spent more time with us
        Just goes to show

        I hate conflict of any kind, however… Mr Bubbles and I had to stand our ground

        I had the same with a girlfriend of mine, always being late ….I told her if she had been another two minutes, I would’ve left…. she hasn’t been late ever since

        People take us for granted ….. they use and abuse and the moment you change and stand up for yourself ….. you’re the bad guy and all the good things you’ve ever done for them ….theyre forgotten

        Giver … yes
        Feeling guilty … yes
        Benefit of the doubt ..yes
        Never good enough … yes

        Since being here with Mr Tudor, I have worked on all these areas …. it doesnt happen overnight …. but it will happen

        I am not the same person I was over 3 years ago and I’m still learning and growing ….it’s bloody hard work
        I’m still me …. but a better me
        Hang in there precious … give it time and your luv for yourself will flourish and the domino effect begins
        Luv Bubbles xx 😘

        1. WiserNow says:

          Well said Bubbles! I agree with everything you have pointed out here. It takes time and it’s difficult to do because “old habits die hard” as the saying goes, but it really is important to put these “new habits” into practice.

          And by the way, Happy New Year lovely lady!! xx

      2. mommypino says:

        Thank you Bubbles! I can totally relate to what you said. I am working on myself now armed with the new knowledge (thanks to HG) that some people will never change and are just programed to keep taking and even programed to get negative fuel from you while you are helping them because they need it. With that knowledge, as soon as I see a pattern I will nip it in the bud. Standing my ground is something hard to learn when you grew up with a matrinarc who made every decision for you and even spoke for you. I have been working on it even when I was living with her in my younger years. I had a double life where I am like a slave at home but in school I was a gregarious, confident and well-liked student. When I was in school I was like in my fantasy ideal world, which was easy because everything in school is so structured. But now that I’m in the real world, my doormat type of behaviors sometimes show up. It is challenging to reprogram myself out of how my matribarc raised me. But thankfully I do have enough self confidence inside that can help me get the bad habits out and learn more habits of standing my ground and being more assertive.

    2. Windstorm says:

      MommyPino
      Don’t let a possible label pull you down. I was often considered and even referred to as a doormat when I was young. I embraced it and used it as a way to hide and not call attention (abuse) down on myself. But I always knew I was not really a doormat. It was a deliberate defense mechanism.

      “but my giving is not from guilt. I have my own self esteem”

      This is the key. I’m a helper and a giver, too, but I help and give because I choose to. That’s the key. As long as you are true to yourself and doing what you really want to do, other people’s labels are unimportant.

      1. mommypino says:

        Thank you Windstorm. You are right, I shouldn’t let labels get me down. We are natural helpers so we are just being true to ourselves.

        The other part that made me feel sad was not the helping part of the doormat but the tendency that I have to tolerate behaviors or treatments that most people wouldn’t put up with. When my stepdaughters have been glaring at me and giving underhanded or even direct insults and ignoring me, I have put up with it because I was hoping to establish a good relationship with them eventually and thus I was avoiding saying or doing anything that will destroy that chance of them eventually liking me and us having a harmonious family dynamics. Another example was for my sister, I was providing her a place to stay and my time by driving her around because she didn’t have a car even though I had a little toddler and very busy myself. But I also allowed her to abuse me with her Mid-ranger abusive behaviors in my own house and in my own car. My thought process at that time was that she was homeless, she had nowhere else to go, I wouldn’t want to be in her situation and if I hurt her feelings it’s like kicking a dog who’s already sick. So I have put up with her bad behavior mostly. Although even though I didn’t kick her out, I showed her that she cannot boss me around, I would usually do the opposite of what she told me to do but still, I still allowed her to be around me. So I am indeed a doormat in so many ways. But not exactly as described here but I have enough of the characteristics that make me susceptable to being abused or taken for granted or advantage of. Something that I need to work on myself Windstorm.
        From reading some of your posts it looks like you have already worked it out and would not be considered a doormat anymore. I would like to eventually get where you are. I would also like to really feel and believe in my heart of hearts that I am a queen in my own house. And the first step is not letting people that disrespect me be allowed to step inside my house.

        1. windstorm says:

          MommyPino
          No, no one would consider me a doormat now.

          I know exactly what you mean about feeling bad that you’d tolerated behavior that other people would never stand for. We may be alike in that we both act with caution and much thought. I am very slow to react to poor behavior because I want to analyse it and figure out why the person is doing it so that my reaction will cause no harm. I’ve seen way too many people automatically reacting back harshly and causing unnecessary hurt feelings or making a situation worse.

          All those examples you gave when you tolerated abuse were from your past, though. You put up with it because you didn’t understand it and you didn’t want to make the situation worse. You understand it now. Now you’re in a position of strength. It’s that strong woman who’s moving forward now.

          When I played the role of doormat, I was a child or young adult and felt powerless against the narcs in my life. It was a way to lay low and protect myself. I don’t have to do that anymore. As HG would say, I have seized the power and am strong now. So are you. The past is behind you. It’s who you are today that defines you. ❤️

      2. mommypino says:

        Thank you Windstorm. I love everything that you said. You’re so right, I grew up with my Lesser mom causing so much chaos and hurting so many people because she reacts or gets furious so easily without any thought so I have been the total opposite. I remember you also had Lessers in your childhood life. That’s why you understood where I was coming from. I didn’t want to hurt an innocent person so I suspend any urge to fight back in order to really make sure first that this fighting back is really warranted. I love your encouraging words, they inspire me so much. So thankful of my awareness now and so glad that I found this blog and HG’s brilliant work and all of you wonderful amazing kind empaths here who take the time to listen and talk to me. I appreciate everybody here. Happy New Year Windstorm!! ❤️🎉

    3. WiserNow says:

      mommypino,

      I understand what you’re saying. Growing up with a narcissistic parent and being naturally empathic has a way of “making” you like this with these characteristics. I think “doormat” is a word that automatically gives a negative impression, and it makes you think of the bad/sad side or being taken advantage of.

      Nobody wants to think of themselves as a doormat. If you try to ignore the negative impression of the word, there are other perspectives that are not so negative. The qualities of giving, helping or caring about someone else’s well-being are admirable and commendable qualities to have. That is much better than being cold, selfish and self-centred.

      The important thing, I believe, is to be aware and discerning, as you say, and to be logical with your help and giving. Even when it comes to a narcissist that you are in “low contact” with (because no contact is not possible etc), it is still possible to give and care as long as you are in control of what you are doing and are doing it with complete logic and can see clearly that it’s not because of emotional thinking.

      1. Bubbles🍾 says:

        Dear WiserNow,
        Thank you kindly lovely for your response
        For me, a lifetime of abuse doesn’t equate to an instant overnight change or quick fix read ……it takes a bloody long time to assess, evaluate, reajust my thinking and one very important lesson for me is studying “people’s behaviour” …… I have learnt so much here from Mr Tudor and everyone’s stories (no wonder Mr Tudor can size people up in an instant)
        Our “emotional thinking” and “giving” is part of our DNA … however our brain does marvellous wonders and it gives us the opportunity to refocus and learn …..and you can change

        Your last paragraph is crucial
        “The important thing, I believe, is to be aware and discerning, as you say, and to be logical with your help and giving. Even when it comes to a narcissist that you are in “low contact” with (because no contact is not possible etc), it is still possible to give and care as long as you are in control of what you are doing and are doing it with complete logic and can see clearly that’s it’s not of emotional thinking”

        We may be considered “doormats” by many, but we do have the ability of being in charge of who’s grubby shoes we allow on it
        Knock knock …… “who’s there” ?
        Thank you precious once again
        Luv Bubbles xx 😘

      2. mommypino says:

        Thank you WiserNow, the name doormat does hurt. Especially since I know through the actions and comments of my narcs that that is how they view me and ridicule me in their minds. I had a wrong belief that people will eventually like someone if that person is able to show that the first impression about them is wrong. But then it becomes a never ending cycle of so much animosity, mind games, and vitriol. Now with my new knowldege from this site, I know that I should never participate in those things again and just completely walk away.

    4. Bubbles🍾 says:

      Dear mommypino,
      Thank you sweetness for your reply
      I too, was a slave at home and very well liked at school …and kinda teachers pet… ..Miss Perfect student (I actually hated school) because my teachers were mean n nasty and yelled a lot
      Going from one unpleasant environment at home to another … I became the pleaser, the giver, the doer, volunteered for everything…..Bubbles will do it …. they’d say
      I just wanted peace
      Having step children would not be easy… however everyone deserves respect and it works both ways
      You sound like you’re feet are firmly on the ground and you’re slowly moving forward… good for you
      Slow change is good … keeps people guessing …haha
      Luv Bubbles xx 😘

      1. mommypino says:

        Thank you Bubbles! You’re so sweet. Thank you for all of the kind words. I was lucky that the teachers in the Phils. are usually sweet. Even the nuns in the Catholic school that I went to are all adorable and sweet. I heard that Catholic schools here in the US are different from the ones in the Phils. Our school felt like a small community or family. We knew everybody. When I got married in the Phils. my husband was schocked at how many old classmates came. He said that he didn’t know anyone who has that many friends. I think it is the way schools there are run and the culture that we had. That’s why we never have any school violence.

        I also love that you and Mr. Bubbles are now standing your ground to not be taken advantage of. HG’s work is really an eye opener for a lot of us. I have been telling my friends about it. The concept of narcissism is also new to most of them but after I explained it some of them realized that they have had experiences that are similar. I love the thought of empaths being empowered and using their force of goodness in other more productive endeavors than wasting time on narcissists. I wish you and Mr. Bubbles more power and happiness this new year! Love, MommyPino ❤️

      2. Bubbles🍾 says:

        Dear mommypino,
        Sorry for the delayed response precious …….it won’t happen overnight, but I will get there … lol (so much reading here, I can’t keep up)
        I went to an “all girls” school … I think it stunted my growth regarding males ……so naive 😱
        Thank you for your lovely words and thoughts ..most appreciated
        Mr Bubbles and I have been here learning “together” for some time now ..
        We have competitions to see who’s the first to sus out narcs and peoples behaviour over a coffee or a glassa …the closest winner has to buy the next round ☕️🍷
        We try to turn it into a positive … either way, we get high 🤣
        Thank you again lovely one
        New year wishes to you
        Luv Bubbles xx 😘

  5. Becoming Observant says:

    Spot on. The guilt, omg… Nailed into the psyche by the caregivers who could not have cared less.

    Are not all empaths doormats? Idk

    Giving = praise (fuel) = safety

    When the giving becomes expected (taken for granted), the praise stops, the fear of abandonment sets in, and paranoia/drama ensues.

    Do you suppose that non-narcissists do not respond to the excessive giving nature of “doormats”, and that they reject them? This would compound the Doormats’ attraction to the narcissists who accept them.

    Doormats and narcissists seem like two sides of the same coin: and both groups were likely abused/neglected to evolve into what they are.

    1. WiserNow says:

      Becoming Observant,

      I can relate to what you’re saying. I agree that the overall motivation of the doormat that HG describes is an element that all empaths have to some extent.

      As mommypino says below, I can see myself in the description too. And as Windstorm notes too, the label (which automatically gives a negative or derogatory impression) can muddy the reality a little bit as well.

      I can relate to all ten of HG’s points. It all rings true, especially having a high tolerance to emotional abuse and a need to cater to the narcissist’s emotional needs. The thing is, I don’t see myself as a doormat, mainly because I always had a sense that it was wrong or that I didn’t “enjoy” it. It was a family role that I was more or less conditioned or forced to adopt and then it became the “norm”. I resented it and tried to change it but it was firmly set in place. Then after becoming aware, I realised my own input into the dynamic and that the ways I tried to change it before were actually playing right into the narc’s hands.

  6. Lori says:

    I’m curious about this because you mention guilt but what I know of.Codeoebdency it’s shame and shame and guilt are not the same.

    This is why I feel Narcissism and Codeoendency are very much the same. They are both shame based disorders

    Do you see guilt and shame as the same ?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      No.

  7. WiserNow says:

    HG … another question if you don’t mind,

    Regarding the blurring of boundaries between a narcissist and someone they treat as a doormat, I can see that the boundaries can be blurred due to either:
    – the innate, natural personality traits (of liking to help and selfless behaviour) of the doormat; or
    – the progressive and continual dominating “conditioning” doled out by the narcissist.

    Which of the two conditions above do you think are more responsible for the doormat’s behaviour?

    Also, what happens when the doormat reaches the stage where “the pressure can no longer be sustained and withheld and at that point there is a substantial and serious damaging effect on the doormat from the release of this pressure”?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      The former.

      A breakdown.

      1. WiserNow says:

        Thank you for both of your replies HG. Your answers are much appreciated.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Pleasure.

  8. WiserNow says:

    HG,

    Thinking about the thought processes and motivations you describe that drive “doormat” behaviour, it makes me think it’s the same as (or similar to) being co-dependent. Do you think it is?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Similar, yes.

Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Previous article

The Stepford Devaluation

Next article

Connected Yet Removed