Just The Way It Is



By now you all know that I am driven by the hunger that rages within me as I must seek out fuel to feed the beast. To begin with, my fuel comes from the compliments and admiration you send my way during our golden period. Yes, that blissful, wonderful time when everything tastes better, smells more fragrant, looks brighter and sounds sharper. I was asked why can I not contain my need for fuel to receiving admiration and plaudits? Why must I embark on such a destructive course which brings mayhem to everyone around me. Why must it hurt so much? A fair question.

In my case, there are two reasons for this. The first brings forth that old adage of familiarity breeds contempt. Imagine that strawberry is your favourite flavour of ice-cream. I bring you a large strawberry ice cream in a sugar cone. You take a lick and it is delicious. So fresh tasting, so creamy and there are even little pieces of strawberry contained inside of it. It simply is the most sumptuous ice cream you have ever introduced to your taste buds. These strawberries have been grown in God’s garden, tended to by angels and grown with the purest water, the most fertile soil and vibrant sunshine. The milk has been taken from cows which graze on nothing but the most verdant grass, free from pollution and contamination. In fact, every ingredient that has been used in the creation of this magnificent iced confection is the best and perfect. Not only that, it has been crafted by the Supreme High Creator of Gelatos. I bring you a second one. Why not? This is an ice cream fit for champions. You eat this second one but by now you are feeling full. I bring a third, the taste is still great but not as good. Now I give you the good news that you are eating strawberry ice cream for breakfast, lunch and dinner and nothing else. Soon, the amazing taste of the ice cream no longer brings you pleasure. In fact, you start to dread the sight of the ice cream as it is brought to you and then it makes you angry that you have to eat it. You are sick of it now, it has lost its allure.

This is what happens to me. It always happens. Since I am wired to seek out instant gratification, even the most wonderful sensations soon pale to me. I am not built for the long-term, I have no desire for longevity. If it was me eating the ice cream, I need to go and seek out mint choc chip or even vanilla or perhaps a juicy steak instead. I need something different in order to give me that hit. Why not then just leave the strawberry ice cream along and seek out that new taste sensation, why do I have to subject the ice cream to a campaign of savage and nasty behaviour. One reason is that since I have invested so much energy in securing all that strawberry ice cream I am not going to let it go. I need to treat it differently and thus generate a break from its taste. With you, I need to have a break from the now stale praise and admiration you provide to me. It just does not do it for me. Similarly, I have invested energy in ensnaring you and I do not want to let you go. I have to treat you differently to change the dynamic. I need to keep you around so I embark on a confusing campaign that means you cling tighter to me. I will of course be seeking out new admiration from new sources. There are so many flavours for me to taste. You were once shiny and new. Not any longer. Someone else is shinier and newer.

I will return to you, like I will return to the strawberry ice cream. I have forgotten how it sickened me so I will eat it again and wow, it tastes good. Similarly, I will grant you a short return to the golden period. You lavish me with praise and love borne out of relief and I enjoy it. The law of diminishing returns applies however and soon I tire of your admiration as I tire of the strawberry ice cream and once again I must take a break from it, whilst never actually severing ties with you or giving away the ice cream. Back and forth I will go, occasionally being good to you to receive your admiration as I occasionally have a scoop of the strawberry ice cream. Thus this familiarity and unwillingness to let you go means that I have to treat you badly in order to resurrect the positive fuel on an infrequent basis whilst drawing on the negative fuel to provide the contrast.

I mentioned two reasons. The second reason arises from occasional glimpses of reality. For the most part we dwell in our false construct that we have dragged you into. You may achieve something or a colleague may secure a new contract or we notice a friend purchase a flash, new car. This provides us with a painful reminder of our own limitations and our hatred of the limelight being moved elsewhere, however temporary. In such a case we have to lash out. We must denigrate, despise and demean in order to create that contrast again, we make you look bad and we look good. By putting you down, or the friend or the colleague we feel powerful and in control again. The horrible sensation vanishes. On these occasions, envy and fear drives us to be horrible to you. We have to do it to make ourselves look superior in comparison.

In both instances we need to provide a contrast in order to maintain our fuel. Thus, all cannot be rosy in the garden, we need to spray the weed killer over the flowers you have grown to ensure we receive the fuel that is our primary aim in life.

47 thoughts on “Just The Way It Is

  1. NarcAngel says:

    2SF and MB
    Just found your replies now. The avatar was all in fun but stuck. I don’t think it really matters because if I were to change it to something lighter (and I cant think what of) some people might accuse that I am being misleading with some of my more blunt and less well received comments. This way it is easy to spot and allows people to avoid me if they are not comfortable with me or what I have to say, or to simply put down what I say as …ahem…cattiness, which of course is not the case, but I think it’s a pretty good indicator of those who can focus on what is being said instead of an avatar. I have seen some pretty sunny avatars in my time here with nothing pretty to say (my view of course). Still, I’m considering it.

    1. windstorm says:

      My own opinion is that our avatars are a reflection of what is important to us. Some people use their avatars to express who they feel they are, some to affect who others feel they are, some out of whimsy and some never choose an avatar at all, presumably because it is unimportant to them. Personally I’m more of the “whimsy” variety.

      Your avatar seems pretty spot on to reflect my opinion of the inner you. The fact that you haven’t changed it also seems fitting. Instead of criticizing why you don’t act like we think you should, perhaps we should stop and realize that we are all different and others don’t necessarily think the same as we do. That’s one of the things that keeps life interesting.

      1. 2SF says:

        That’s Windstorms way of telling me off. I’ll be standing in the naughty corner Windstorm 🙂

        “The fact that you haven’t changed it also seems fitting”

        NA says she hás changed, she has become a bit ‘softer’ so she said, so I thought perhaps she could change her Avatar with her personal change. But like I said, she should do whatever feels right for her. She asked me what I would suggest.

        “Instead of criticizing why you don’t act like we think you should”

        That was not the case Windstorm, it was only about an angry looking avatar.

        “perhaps we should stop and realize that we are all different and others don’t necessarily think the same as we do. That’s one of the things that keeps life interesting”

        I totally agree with that xx

        1. windstorm says:

          No, that wasn’t me telling you off, merely me expressing my own opinion. Avatars do represent an aspect of the commenter’s personality, but can be impossible for someone else to understand exactly what. My own avatars tend to be things that caught my eye as something both unusual and highly moving to me, but may make no sense to others.

          1. 2SF says:

            I got it windstorm xx

  2. Leanne says:

    Ah… the strawberry ice cream one…!

    HG, you may have answered this previously, but do you find more narcissists, due to the current instant gratification tendencies?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Do you mean, do I come across more narcissists and if so, in relation to what? More normals? More empaths?

  3. Kathy says:

    I haven’t had strawberry ice cream in a decade and I think I want some but I’m on a diet damn you!

  4. Kelly B says:

    Had a narc ex boyfriend when I was living over in Europe.His ex girlfriend came back into the picture.He told me I was a steak and she was a hamburger. Then he said once in awhile you want a nice hamburger. The last one torched the garden. Its exactly on target on their behavior.

  5. J.G says:

    Hi, H.G. Tudor …
    I liked this post a lot and it’s quite enlightening.
    Familiarity breeds contempt. Ummm, I did not know this saying … And it’s that everything in life tires …
    And you are so quickly volatile and ephemeral in your feelings, I’m sorry … in your interest in the main fuel.
    If I put on your shoes, I understand your point of view and even your way of acting.
    The example of ice cream or food is very good.
    What I do not agree with is the manipulation, deception and abuse to achieve it … Although I understand that if you do not do it this way. How could you get it and survive? (cheating, manipulating, seducing)
    A question that attacks me is that you should not have sexuality in the same way as other people. I read your sex book, and what I read to you is a mere mechanical act. Without sentimental implications of any kind like masturbation …
    You, the narcissists, are too complex, to discover all these things that you tell us for ourselves.
    Feeling a lot for my narcissist, he will not taste another spoonful of me. I will not pay attention to it, I will ignore it and criticize it if it approaches. To keep it at bay
    As you say in this post, there are many flavors to try … it’s a free bar.
    Mine No more.
    Sorry for the rest of the Cattle unwary. Since, they only see us as WON who to devour.

  6. J.G says:

    Hello G.H. Tudor…
    I liked this post a lot and it’s quite enlightening.
    Familiarity breeds contempt. Ummm , I didn’t know this saying… And it is that of everything one gets fed up…
    And is that you are so quickly volatile and ephemeral in your feelings, sorry …. interest in the primary FUEL.
    If I put myself in your shoes, I come to understand your point of view and even your way of acting.
    The example of ice cream or food is very good.
    What I don’t agree with is manipulation and deception and mistreatment in order to achieve it… Although I understand that you don’t do it this way. How could you get it and survive?
    A question that assails me is that you don’t live sexuality in the same way as other people? I read your sex book, and from what I read to you it is a mere mechanical act. Without sentimental implications of any kind like masturbation…
    You narcissists are too complex to find out all these things that you tell us on your own.
    Feeling it a lot for my narcissist, he won’t taste a spoonful more of me. I will not pay attention to it, ignoring it, and criticizing it if it approaches. To keep it at bay. As you say in this post there are many flavors to try… Mine no more. And a hundred for the rest of the Livestock. Well, they only see us as that WON which to devour.

  7. Leslie says:

    In your victim grooming behaviour, you over indulge going for the addictive high. The high cannot be sustained. When it wears off, however high you have been is as low as you will go.

    In other words, you set yourself up for failure.

    The childish overstuffing with sweets only to be sick afterwards.

    The constant extremes are a juvenile inability to master self management and self limiting behaviour.

    1. NarcAngel says:

      Once again, your first three lines can be used to describe you in the golden period.

    2. SuperXena says:

      With all due respect:
      Are your comments being cathartic for you or are they just keeping you stuck on the same spot going round and round and round?

      Wouldn’t it be more helpful to internalise the whole process ( to find out instead what ,how and why YOU feel the way you do) instead of externalising it and projecting it (to the wrong person)?

  8. ava101 says:

    Happy New Year to you, HG!!
    And Happy New Year to everyone!!

    So …. it took one year of 98% no contact, and my matrinarc today managed to be NICE on the phone today and even fake a warm-hearted mother.

    Only one stupid sentence, many other people make, too, that’s all.

    1. Caroline R says:

      Happy New Year ava101!

    2. Tappi Tikarrass says:

      Happy New Year ava101
      There is a New Years gift waiting for you in the Never Again post x

      1. Caroline R says:

        Tappi T
        Happy New Year!
        Much peace and happiness for you in 2019.
        Thanks for the ‘Superwog’ link on a previous thread. I binge watched it on Boxing Day.
        I found a couple of Asian-Tiger-Mother YouTube videos too, they were similarly hilarious.

      2. Tappi Tikarrass says:

        And to you too Caroline R
        Hope you’re keeping cool in the heat

  9. Joanne says:

    I love this illustration. It helped me explain to a friend what was happening to me in relatable terms.

  10. Caroline R says:

    Are you having a dig at Leslie with this today?
    Ha ha!

    1. HG Tudor says:


      1. Caroline R says:

        I apologise for that comment.
        You’ve promised not to use your teeth and claws against us.
        We so appreciate you for that.
        You’re always promoting that which is in our best interests.
        We so appreciate you for that too.

        (Caroline surveys HG’s luxurious and magnificent white wolf fur, and strokes it adoringly just at the back of his head. She softly tells him how wonderful he is).

    2. Leslie says:


      Leslie (me) lives in a country where the culture is total narcworld from top to bottom. HG doesn’t need to waste his time adding anything. :DDD

      The narcs killing was nicely apropos. I have survived (so far). Others around me have not. It’s legal to murder us here. It’s termed “family matter”.

      Happy New Year

      Enjoy a narc free life.

      1. Caroline R says:

        Is that why you don’t want to talk about your experiences with us here? Because of so-called ‘honour killings’ in your country? I can’t imagine how much pain and anger you must feel.

      2. 2SF says:

        Leslie, may I ask where you are from? Are you in a muslim family?

      3. Tappi Tikarrass says:

        Nicely veiled bigotry there 2SF….
        Why the assumption?

        1. 2SF says:


          I do not do anything veiled. I am only asking where Leslie is from. No idea why you use the word bigotry. I had to look it up (I’m not English) and is says:
          ‘the fact of having and expressing strong, unreasonable beliefs and disliking other people who have different beliefs or a different way of life’

          I do not see where I dislike someone, I do not dislike anyone here.
          Different beliefs and opinions are fine with me.
          So I truly do not understand why you would accuse me of such.

          Assumption of what? That Leslie is in a muslim family? First, it’s a question. Second, Leslie is saying this:

          “It’s legal to murder us here. It’s termed “family matter”.”

          I don’t know any country besides muslim countries where murder is legal, when it is a ‘family matter’ (honor killing).

          1. HG Tudor says:

            Murder, by its very definition is always murder. Now, certain forms of killing are lawful. I suspect that is what Leslie meant.

          2. 2SF says:

            Well let’s hope Leslie will be a bit more specific next time, so dumb people like me don’t have to second-guess what is meant.

      4. Tappi Tikarrass says:

        Please go back to google and look up xenophobia… might be a useful English word for you to know in addition to bigotry. So called honour killings are not the exclusive domain of Muslims…… eg, shall we talk about some western religious cult practices and events? I’d rather not.

        1. 2SF says:

          Honestly Tappi, where did I state killings are exclusive to muslims?
          I might have misunderstood Lelsie’s comment but..
          Me !!??? I have travelled the world. I love foreigners from all over the world, have friends in many countries. I help (muslim) refugees, my sons have muslim friends, my door is open for every single person in the world. If there is one word that would definitely NOT fit me it would be xenophobic. It seems yóu are the one with prejudice.

      5. Caroline R says:

        Are you ok?
        Are you safe?
        Do you have someone that you trust?
        Can you escape?

      6. Tappi Tikarrass says:

        Hi 2SF
        If you were only asking where Leslie is from, why add
        ‘are you in a Muslim family?’….. it seemed like an assumption to me.
        I’ve definitely had too much Canadian Club tonight and have probably jumped the gun regarding said assumption.
        Tonight did I say?? It’s bloody almost 6am where I live and I’ve yet to go to bed….
        And you’re not dumb, you may be ignorant. There is a difference. One is a lack of knowledge (ignorant), the other a physical lack (dumb). Yes, I know you were being sarcastic….

        Just because someone travels the world and helps others doesn’t mean their mind is open or that their motives and intentions are fair, reasonable and open-minded.

        1. 2SF says:

          Tappi, I agree with your last sentence, that’s why I expanded.
          And I thought we were talking Xenophobia, not open-mindedness, being reasonable or fair (which I think I am, but I guess everyone would say that about themselves). About being ignorant I can say that the more I learn the more I am aware of my lack of knowledge.
          The problem with this blog is, you (generally speaking) read a comment, you jump in and you don’t know anything about the person you are responding to. I’m guilty as well (even though I usually don’t drink).
          I hope the Canadian Club made you sleep well.

        2. Mercy says:

          Tappi Tikarrass, instead of seeing 2SF as a bigot or having xenophobia couldn’t it be reasonable to think that she was trying to learn from Leslie by asking her this question? You call her ignorant yet judge her when she is trying to gain information. I think your attack was unfair and I think if this is a subject you feel passionate about, educating instead of criticizing would be more effective.

          1. 2SF says:

            Thank you mercy for coming to my defence. It’s okay, I guess Tappi had ‘issues’ with something related and my question triggered her (or him?) somehow. That, in combination with alcohol and lack of sleep maybe caused her to act the way she did. No hard feelings, but merci anyway Merci 😊😘

          2. NarcAngel says:

            Well it WAS Canadian Club lol.

          3. 2SF says:

            NA, does it have the same effect on you? 😅
            I’m gonna get me a bottle tomorrow, I looked it up and it is available in the closest liquor store here.

          4. NarcAngel says:

            No. Booze makes me cuddly and lovable. I don’t drink nearly enough for most people lol.

          5. 2SF says:

            Cuddly and lovable… my mind is unable to make that link with the mask here in the avatar. Perhaps that’s why ‘most people’ think you should drink more 😏 🍻

          6. NarcAngel says:

            What is your suggestion for a more suited avatar for me?

          7. 2SF says:

            It’s funny you ask NA, because last night I was googling cat women with more friendly faces to suggest to you. Then I thought I don’t really like catwomen at all and next I thought ‘who the hell do I think I am to tell you to change your avatar’. So I let it go.
            But now you ask,… anything NA, but I would be pleased not to come across an angry looking face. I have tried to not make the link of the avatar with you as a person, but somehow I don’t manage to do that quite well.
            An avatar is personal, you’ve had it from the beginning, so if this one feels good for you, you should keep it. However you could consider how (also new) people ‘see’ you here. Some people would say ‘it’s only an avatar’, but when you do not know a person, the avatar gives an impression of something related to this person. Just like with a job interview, your first impression tells who you are (for the interviewer that is, could be totally wrong).
            The automatically given avatars one gets here are pretty neutral. Still I was very happy to have been given a green one this time, instead of the red one I got before. Anyway, you should do whatever feels good for you and perhaps other readers would totally disagree with me.

          8. MB says:

            NA, for what it’s worth, I find your avatar perfectly suited to you. Especially with the leather comments from yesterday.

          9. Mercy says:

            2SF, your responses were fair and reasonable. I’m sure you’re right about Tappi being triggered and having a bad day. We all do! Take care.

      7. Tappi Tikarrass says:

        Hi 2SF and Mercy
        No, I wasn’t having a bad day though I was definitely triggered.
        Mercy, I did say 2SF MIGHT be ignorant, and there were other assumptions being made by 2SF in our exchange, pointless to elaborate on now as the conversation has run its course. I was a little haughty. I agree with you Mercy, education and not criticism is definitely more productive in any type of discussion.

        The comment triggered me because I know from direct experience how subtle racism, bigotry and xenophobia can express themselves. For example, whilst growing up, I was asked countless times ‘what’s your nationality?’. Simply because I didn’t look like the majority. Inside my head I’d be screaming ‘I’m just as Australian as you are! I was born here! I don’t know anything else!’ When you experience things like that repetitively, it affects you, it’s a little reminder that most others think you’re different.

        My parents were teenagers themselves when they migrated here and very embracing of most things Australian. We didn’t speak their native tongue at home, only English as they mistakenly thought we’d be disadvantaged at school. My parents have many stories of direct (go back to your own country) racism and it’s more casual variants…. that’s an actual term here, casually racist….. though didn’t dwell on it. Hell, my mum had many friends but not one from her culture of birth.

        We (Australia) were a pretty strong example of how successful multiculturalism CAN be but in the late 90s a highly conservative politician began to stir up the racism and bigotry for his own political advantage. This has been very damaging on many levels.

        Also, I’m so disappointed with humanity. We don’t seem able to get the basics right, that we’re ALL from the same family. That we all actually have more in common despite differing cultural expressions.

        I’ve really condensed my thoughts on all the above and I hope it makes sense to you both and gives you a better understanding of why I commented in the way that I did.

        1. 2SF says:

          Tappi, this sure makes sense to me, you only accused the wrong person this time. I am always defending anti-racism. In our country we have the ‘Black Pete’ discussion every year (google it). White people have no idea how coloured people are discriminated in every day life.
          I’m with you Tappi.

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