The Ties That Bind

THE TIESTHAT BIND

 

One of our central aims when we have targeted you is to bind you to us. During our seduction we create this magical place and invite you and only you to inhabit it with us. We build a fantastic place and place you on a pedestal in the centre of this artifice. It is very difficult for you to realise this is a fallacy and even harder to do something about it. Every day, every hour that you remain close to our influence allows us to create more ties, more connections and increase the extent that you are bound to us. We make you feel fabulous, worshipped and loved. The dizzying, whirlwind nature of our passion is unlike anything else you have known and you readily accept it. It is of course not informed consent. You have no idea what we are, but nevertheless you accept all of this wonderful treatment. You allow us to permeate every aspect of your life. We draw you into ours and make you feel special and privileged for being allowed to do so. Consider how we penetrated your every network so everywhere you turned we were there.

We knew all your friends, we ingratiated ourselves with your family and got to meet your colleagues. We knew all the places you liked to go to and introduced you to some additional ones. We made sure we knew every favourite thing of yours, from books to plays to food. Your wine rack became stocked with the types of wine you preferred, your wear the jewellery that was bought for you after careful solicitation of what you deem pretty and I occasionally arrive bearing a new book from the stable of authors that you enjoy to read. Bit by bit I invade your life and as our relationship progresses at light speed, the gradual, creeping advance of my influence has actually gained more than a toehold. It has spread across your territory like some formidable weed that cannot be held back, covering and smothering. My clothes hang in the wardrobe, I have my favourite chair at your house, you now buy the cereal that I prefer to eat in the morning even though you think it is just a mouthful of sugar. You now wash my socks, my songs populate the iTunes playlist and the bathroom is testament to my occupation with the bottles, razors and accoutrements mingled amongst yours. You cannot fail to see my influence all around you, but you welcome this and from it you gain a great happiness. From dating, to staying over, to co-habiting and on to marriage, this inexorable march of sudden and frantic seduction, although this is only ever apparent with hindsight as at the time it was the right thing to do, results in our lives entwining as I wrap my tendrils around your life and drag you tight against me. So many links, connections, lines and ties between you and I.

These ties keep you in place despite the abuse that is to come. It is sudden and bewildering but you will not give up easily. Not only did you say those vows, you meant every word and we know this. You will not let what we have built up crumble to dust. Admirable as your fortitude may be, you may as well stand on a beach and command the tide to halt its own unceasing advance for all the good you will do. This will not stop you trying though. We know this. The ties are many and they are tight so you will not run for cover at the first administration of a silent treatment. You will not down tools and walk away when the shouting continues long into the night. You do not pack a bag and leave it in the hallway, sitting on the stairs as you wait for us to return, late at night, from whatever tryst we have been engaged in. You keep going, bound to the hope that everything will be good once more, that the golden period will return. You hang in there, you battle, you demonstrate misguided resolve as we lash out time and time again, drawing the negative fuel from your distress, dismay and disarray. You will not let go. The connections are too many. Our behaviour is reprehensible as we open up front after front after front against you, leaving you confused and crushed. We twist, blame, push and pull yet you will not waiver. No matter how many times we knock you to the floor you keep coming back for more, dragged back onto your feet by the ties that bind you to us.

Then one day you remove yourself from our toxic influence or in some instances you are removed. Those ties remain but there is an elasticity which allows you to escape us. To be taken away from the acidic words and viscious schemes. The insults, the violent rages, the isolation and the denigration may have been halted. You may no longer be subjected to being spat at, your hair pulled, your money withheld, your social interactions curtailed and your self-esteem trampled underfoot. You may have escaped the daily devaluations which came at you in so many different and unedifying ways but your ordeal is far from over.

You may not have our furious face shouting into yours anymore. You may not be sat cowering behind a locked bathroom door as we pound on it demanding you come out. You may not lie crying in a bed made to feel empty by our absence. You may not stand outside the study seeing the glow of the monitor within, under the door and wonder who we are engaging with online, that knotted sensation in your stomach inducing sickness. You may have escaped many of these manipulations but the ties that bind remain.

The bond we have created with you is so strong, so deep and so far-reaching that every day you will feel a vast void at being parted from us. You will excuse the abuse as you hanker for those golden days. You will feel like something has been ripped from you by our absence. Even though you know how terrible we have acted towards you, you will still suffer that sense of illogical loss. Every day feels empty. You wonder what we are doing, who we are with and whether we are thinking about you. You see our presence all around you still, people still ask about us, you collapse on to your bed burying your face in that t-shirt we kept under our pillow and you still smell us on it. You drink deep of the scent, hoping the nagging pain will recede, that somehow you will be magically restored to where we once both were, when we were happy. Your run your fingers over the tub of hair wax which we left and you remember watching us as we carefully applied it. You cannot bring yourself to discard it, clinging on to these reminders of the joy that once abounded in these walls. You pass the bookcase, touching the spines of the volumes we bought for you, the words and letters all further reminders of our presence here in this house. You miss us you miss us so much, you shouldn’t do, not after what we have done. Not after the vile treatments you have suffered. It makes no sense that you should feel this way but you do. You ache for us, the ties that remain are still being pulled and yanked, even though we are not there with you. The searing pain rises as another reminder appears, the tie still strong. Unlike an umbilical cord which provides life, your cord to us continues to pain you. When will this end? When will this agony recede and be replaced by something else? Would it now not even be better to feel nothing? To be numbed and anaesthetised so you do not have to endure this ongoing pain.

The bond we create with you is so powerful, so deep and so long lasting that it is often the aftermath of the ties that bind that hurts more than the abuse itself. That is how dangerous we are.

18 thoughts on “The Ties That Bind

  1. Bekah B says:

    I once asked my narc if he was afraid of losing me.. He thought for a moment and replied, (with subtle, confident arrogance) that he’s not afraid because he will not ever lose me.. I wonder if he believes this is the reason why.. I wonder if he believes that we are forever bound together because of our children..

  2. Stacy says:

    I am not married to my Narc, but we own property together. My escape will be more complicated, but from all the information I am reading I think I am starting to be discarded. I do not suspect another women, but what do I know. The insight from these articles has shed some light as to the why they do the things they do, I dont feel as bad about myself and I know all the scathing comments are just part of a plan. Does not make me less emotionally exhausted and physically I’ll. The addiction to him his hard for friends to understand. I am miserable with him and miserable without him. At least when he is not around my brain gets a rest. I am getting to the point that I just can’t take the crazy confusion any longer. I think he knows it. He is changing is punishments and even calls them sanctions. The psychology of a narcissist is fascinating and amazing…but I think it is time for my experiment to end. Finding this site is a relief and has been so helpful in my understanding of what is happening to me.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I am pleased that that is the case.

  3. Kellie Mccoey says:

    I’m forever changed, maybe for the better. He has taken a piece of me and will always have it. I know I can never get it back. I don’t want it anymore, he can have it. I don’t need it, he does.

  4. 69Revolver says:

    We are addicted to the narc. He/she is our drug of choice. Trauma bonded.

    After the discard/escape, we *ache* for just one more Golden hit. “Just one more,” we say. We’ll then walk away, promise.

    But if we muster up enough rational brain during this ache, we also know….one hit won’t ever suffice. We WILL overdose on this Golden hit. And then life is all but over.

  5. Cindy says:

    It is illogical to still be mourning the loss of my narc. It seems as if all my energies; physical and emotional are concentrated on remaining no contact. I don’t have the desire to date. Being alone is safer than risking it on the chance of encountering another narc.
    The last paragraph pretty much sums it up for me. It’s been almost 3 years since I left him.

    1. Bekah B says:

      I can relate to you on this, Cindy.. I really do feel that as the years go by and me and my narc drift further apart, he will still be on my mind, every day, in order to remind myself to not to reach out to him.. And I strongly believe that I will never be married and, as of now, for the next few years, I do not want to date anyone else.. I just don’t want to put my energy into anything with another man for it to fall short and crumble, for any reason.. Narc or not..

  6. J.G says:

    Hello, H.G. Tudor…
    Once again on the nail. Such an accurate blow.
    An anxiety and emptiness that lasts for years, an agony for life.
    And I say it from experience, it’s been 20 years.
    I’m going to do the math.
    I met him when I was 18 years old and I am 43 years old.
    Oh, my God!
    Ohh my God!

    25 years, a quarter of a life. This is really pathetic and sad…
    Does anyone give more? Rent more suffering than me on the blog?
    How is it possible that I even want to take years off in these subjects, jajajaj I will be a somatic narcissist.

    Good advice from experience:
    To have a very, very busy agenda. It makes you not think
    So the mind doesn’t have a moment, and memories can’t penetrate because it doesn’t find such a loophole.
    Although there are always times when they appear as are the omnipresence …

    At this moment, when I’m stirring my cup of coffee (Cup of coffee = Life and decommitment with my narcissist)
    These coffee wells (memories) are again in suspension,
    and the anxiety is coming back on. It is an indescribable anxiety.
    After reading H.G. Tudor’s fury book, I thought part of his fury had been transferred to me. Well, what it feels like is something very similar.
    to the fury that the narcissist keeps inside.
    It is as if your heart had been marked by fire with an iron heated in the infernal fire of the fury of the narcissist that he keeps inside, but this burn would never heal. At least that’s how I feel it, it’s difficult to capture
    or verbalize this feelings in writing.

    Please a little cream for burns…

  7. flutterbymorpho says:

    The only tie that’ binds me at present is having his name on the title deeds. There is no bond, connection or romantic memories with a shallow empty soulless shell. If I ever look back it will only be to see the nothingless that was there. I’ve had more of a friendship, trust, conversation and knowing each other’s souls with the wild garden birds and my pets. Incidently even my dogs know his stare, they know his body language and when he starts his intimidating behaviours. They too live on hypervigilence when he’s in .. even one of my 3 yr old granddaughters gave me a look the other week when he walked in the door.. she hasnt even been around his presence much (i keep it that way)even a 3yr old can communicate with a facial expression and a knowing and we understand each other.. that’s one of things I always wondered about.. that connection with him, I have it with all my family and friends, even some work colleagues & neighbours, we know each other and can know things even without speech..but it has always been missing with him.. he really is an empty shell of nothing…

  8. Leslie says:

    Please keep exposing narcdom. It’s the closest possible thing to being accountable.

    If you don’t want me to post, it’s not an issue.

    Jesai apki merzi, jinab.

    1. flutterbymorpho says:

      Keep posting Leslie , I like your posts.. I reckon you have much more knowledge to share. The comments help others just as much as the article..

  9. Leslie says:

    HG, did you disenroll me?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      No.

  10. Findinglife11 says:

    Eww. I don’t miss any of it. Yuck.

  11. lisk says:

    Two words: Trauma Bonding

    As for that t-shirt: I stole one out from the hamper right before I moved out in August. I just threw it into the trash two weeks ago, before the new year.

    Out with the old, in with the new….

    1. flutterbymorpho says:

      I threw all photos,cards,wedding photos, bits and pieces out years ago..despite still living with him! I’ve kept jewellery because that would be silly to throw away perfectly good gemstone earrings.. the actress Zsa Zsa Gabor, known for her many marriages once said “never hate a man enough to give him his diamonds back” well i actually hate him more rhan that! I’ve felt like ramming the wedding ring and diamond rings down his bloody neck! And watch him choke.. Or getting some kind of momentary satisfaction by throwing them into the river! But I calm down and realuse they are inanimate objects with as much sentimentality as you want them to have.. a reminder only if it reminds.. I shan’t be taking one of his smelly t shirts for sure.. Well done to you..it’s a symbolic act of letting go!

  12. WiserNow says:

    Another one that rings true. I find that some ties bind very tightly and others don’t. In the past, I found it easy to walk away from some narcissists when it was clear the relationship wasn’t enjoyable or when a point of no return was reached. Leaving was a relief and I had no wish to ever go back. When I look back at those relationships now, I feel either an aversion and I shudder at the awful things, or, I think of them as learning experiences that taught me something.

    The family ties are the ones I find hardest. To me, they’re impossible to break. There’s no clear line there.

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