Told You So

TOLD YOUSO

 

“You know you really shouldn’t get involved with me you know, I am damaged.”

“Well, it is a little bit late for that isn’t it? I am already involved.”

“I know and I am glad to hear you tell me that, really I am, because I want you more than anything. I have not wanted anybody else in the way I want you but it is because of that I think you would be better off without me.”

“Don’t be silly, what do you mean by that?”

“You are so wonderful, so perfect. I truly have not met anyone like you. It is as if everything I have ever wanted and needed in somebody has been put together and rolled into one.”

“That is lovely of you to say, but I am not perfect, far from it.”

“To me you are.”

“Bless you, that is so sweet. I think you are wonderful too, not at all damaged. I cannot believe you said that.”

“Well I am.”

“Not from where I am sitting. You are incredible. Thoughtful, loving, attentive, interesting, sensual and so passionate. Those are just a few of the things that spring to mind when I think about you.”

“What else?”

“Oh let me see. Generous, yes generous and kind, considerate and successful. Entertaining as well. I don’t think I know anybody who can light up a room like you do. I love to watch you when you have everyone’s attention, I can see how much they love to listen to you.”

“Oh you are just saying those things to make me feel better.”

“No not at all, I mean every word, I really do. I have not met anyone as special as you and that is why I love you as I do.”

“You shouldn’t, I don’t mean to be rude, but you will only get hurt.”

“How? By you?”

“Yes.”

“How?”

“I don’t know; I just always seem to mess things up. It may sound strange but somehow I want to think, I mean, I kind of know it should work with you, with you more than anybody else, I suppose I am just terrified that what we have is so wonderful, so perfect that I might do something to ruin it and then you would be hurt and I could not stand for that to happen.”

“You see, there you are again, considerate and kind.”

“I could not live with myself if I hurt you and I just do not want to run that risk of that happening. You do not deserve to be hurt.”

“That won’t happen, I can feel it. What you and I have is something out of the ordinary.”

“Yes we have haven’t we?”

“Absolutely. I love you and you love me and nobody is going to change that.”

“I know, I know, but what if, you know I do something?”

“Like what?”

“I don’t know, it is just that well, previous relationships have not exactly been successful have they? My track record is not great.”

“No but that wasn’t your fault was it? Look, you told me all about what has happened in the past. Not many men would be so honest as you to admit to what you have gone through. That takes real courage and is typical of the honesty and decency you exude. You are a good man and you have been treated abhorrently by some wicked people. Oooh, if I ever met them, I don’t know what I would do.”

“I knew you would understand. You always do. You get me. They never did you see. I tried you know. I always tried to make it work. I just wanted both of us to be happy but you know when whatever you do is not enough? When no matter how hard you try to please somebody but they always find some kind of fault? That was them. They made me feel like it was my fault a lot of the time. They had that way of twisting everything around so I was made out to be the villain. It is hard to explain it, but that is what they did.”

“I understand. There are some people who just delight in the misery of other people but that is not going to happen with you and me.”

“No?”

“No. We have both suffered previously.”

“I know. That is why I do not want to hurt you, you have had enough from the past and you deserve to be treated properly.”

“Well that is what you do. I could not ask for a better boyfriend, I really could not. You put me first, ahead of everything and you do so much for me. I really do appreciate it and each day I feel more in love with you because of what you do for me.”

“Thank you. That is all I want. Both of us to be happy. I think it must just be because of what has happened in the past, I am worried that this time, having found you, it will go wrong again and you will be hurt and I could not live with that.”

“Honestly, there is nothing to worry about. You have just been made to feel like this because of what they have done to you. It is understandable. I know you won’t hurt me. How could anyone who says the things you say to me ever hurt me? I have never had someone say the wonderful and beautiful things you say to me before. You leave me in tears. Tears of happiness admittedly because you just know what to say, you understand me.”

“Yes. There is a connection and it is deep and meaningful and I do not want that ever to be severed. I will fight to my dying breath to stay connected to you. I want to become you.”

“See, there you go again, saying the most wonderful things.”

“You bring it out in me. If it wasn’t for you I don’t know what I would do.”

“Well you don’t have to wonder do you? You’ve got me and you always will have.”

“Do you mean that?”

“Absolutely.”

“You see I am really in heaven every time we kiss. I don’t ever want to hurt you or lose you.”

“That will never happen. You have me forever.”

“I hope so, I really do.”

“You do. Now, let’s not have any more talk about you hurting me, that isn’t going to happen. We have the rest of our lives to be together and be happy. Let me get another bottle of wine, no, it is my turn, you stay there. You do enough running around after me, let me do something for you for a change.”

“Okay, same again please.”

“Coming right up. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

4 thoughts on “Told You So

  1. freedgypsysoul says:

    I was warned. I failed to take notice, I failed to pay attention, but then again, I was already living with him so could not easily undo that move. “we both have suffered before therefore we will do our best to ensure that we don’t hurt each other now”, “all the others were so mean, cruel, hurtful, they don’t get me, you’re so kind and loving and attentive”. Out camping, he ‘chose’ to get drunk because he knew he could trust ‘I had his back’; translation; I would watch out for him and when the time came, not only make sure he made it to our bed in our camper but look after him as needed. Got him undressed, got him in to bed, got (and held) a puke bucket for him so he wouldn’t puke IN our bed, and listened to him whine and cry inbetween puking “don’t leave me T, please don’t leave me. I’m not going anywhere, why would I leave? I don’t know T but they always leave, I don’t want you to leave. I love you Raymond, of course I’m not going to leave, you are good to me, good for me. Please T, are you sure? Because they always leave and I don’t want to be alone. No Raymond, I promise, I won’t leave.” That was the July long weekend, 2 weeks after we moved in together. I never did leave, I was not in the position to do so quite yet but I was definitely looking at it as the evidence stacked up against him for his infidelity and serial cheating.

    I see so much of many of HGs writings in that couple of hours of time frame; it’s all about him, he got drunk so I would HAVE to focus on him and him alone, looking after him. I’m not much of a drinker so he knew I would always be available to be his caretaker, isolated, in our camper away from everyone else. The begging and pleasing for attention (fuel level a little low??). Everyone else has left me, just shaking my head right now as the scratched tint continues to peel off the rose tinted glasses. The no respect for boundaries; I’m 47 and have NEVER held a puke bucket for anyone, never, ever and would have been content to go to my grave not holding one (I grew up with an alcoholic, have low tolerance for alcohol abuse and most drunk people because they violate boundaries continuously), he is 54 and although amusing on one hand to look after him, on the other hand, I was totally disgusted that I had to, not only disgusted that I had to look after him but that he forced me to do something that I had never done in my life, nor did I ever want to! He was like a sobbing child, begging me to stay with him and puking at the same time. Truly pathetic behavior for what is supposed to be a grown adult. Oh, the boundaries, the isolation, the fuel, the future faking, the empty promises…….

  2. lisk says:

    “When no matter how hard you try to please somebody but they always find some kind of fault?”

    “Trying to please.” That’s the issue right there.

    My narc was always “trying” or “working so hard” to demonstrate his love for me.

    I never asked him to. I just liked his spirit, his personality, from the beginning. But then he added all these demonstrations and acts of love (and they sure turned out to be acts, didn’t they?!) into the mix and somehow I was supposed to applaud them and adore him for it all. But really, it was like he was always performing—like some circus monkey or like a dog doing tricks.

    None of that was necessary with me.

    I did not need him “to do.” I only needed him “to be.”

    But I now see that narcs just cannot simply “be,” perhaps because they are so horribly uncomfortable living within their own skin.

  3. J.G says:

    Hello, H.G.Tudor.
    This kind of dialogue, I don’t remember having it. I suppose, there will be different forms of bombardment of love…
    On the other hand, I was never warned that he was wrong or had any kind of problem.
    Speaking of something else, one thing is certain, the narcissist shines by the fuel of his IPPS. Last time I saw him, it was a couple of weeks ago. I saw it differently, I saw it turned off and it doesn’t shine like it used to…
    Is this a misconception or am I influenced by what I read?
    The truth is that I saw it differently, and not because I looked at it with different eyes (hate or resentment). I only looked at it from the purest, coldest, analytical observation. Without any kind of empathy.
    The exact word of what I saw, was a dull man, without brightness, without that touch, that spark that before gave off. On the other hand, his attitude when he saw me was to see a persona non grata and as if he didn’t want me to see him in that state.

    Do you know anything about that?
    Is this real, or is this a misperception?

  4. Christopher Jackson says:

    Poor ipps she has no clue!!

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