The Golden Rules of Freedom – No. 4

golden 4

You are never immune to our kind. You will ALWAYS be susceptible to us because of your innate addiction to our kind. You cannot remove it and thus you will not achieve immunity. You must therefore always be resisting.

You can don the armour to protect yourself as fashioned through my works, but that armour does not give you permanent invulnerability. All armour must be updated, maintained and checked otherwise the shield splits, the chainmail links weaken and the breastplate shatters more readily.

If you think that you are immune to us, you are succumbing to emotional thinking. It wants you to think that you are immune because if that is what you think, then guess what you will do? You will either want to test your immunity or you will believe that you can engage with us in some way and therefore you are doing precisely what your emotional thinking wants you to do. It wants you to engage with us and it will find whatever way it can to make you do that.

You are not immune. You may very well be able to take a telephone call from us and not react to what we say you may even feel nothing for us – no pity, no love or no hate. That time. You may be able to take that second telephone call from us and feel the same way, but because you are not immune, the more you engage with us – whether this is thinking about us, talking about us, spending time with us – you will eventually fall prey to your emotional thinking to a greater extent.

The very fact you are engaging with us when you think that you are immune, means that your  emotional thinking is working, because of course logic would tell you that you have no need to engage with us. Why then are you doing it? Because I want to show myself I will not react, I will not get drawn back in. That is emotional thinking. You are engaging with us and several things arise from this which are problematic. They may not appear problematic to you, because during that telephone call you feel in control, you did not get upset, you do not feel anxious any more, you do not feel anything for us, but you are creating problems.

  1. You will be providing us with fuel. It may be minimal but it will be there because you will not be able to maintain a neutral and flat tone throughout a conversation. Yes, you may be able to achieve this for a very short time and yes, you may not be giving much fuel, but it is there all the same. Thus, we are getting something we want.
  2. You are not rejecting us. By speaking to us you have signalled that you will answer the phone and engage. You may not be enthusiastic but you answered nevertheless. This provides us with encouragement.
  3. You are feeding your addiction and therefore your emotional thinking will want more and in its insidious way it will con you by telling you that you handled the call without any difficulty (it feels like this of course but it is not the case) and thus it will encourage you to do so again or encourage you to attend that social event where you know we will be there because you remain confident of being able to handle the situation. All you are doing is allowing the addiction to be fed and for the emotional thinking to surge until it overwhelms you (and it will) at a future point.
  4. You may well be feeding us useful information in the course of the conversation which we can use to our advantage.

Accordingly, by thinking you are immune and therefore thinking you can engage safely with us, you are creating risks and problems.

You have no need to engage with us.

You have no need to test your immunity because you are not immune. Understand this.

Instead, you can build your resistance. You are resistant but not immune. Some of you have a very low resistance, others far higher, but whichever it is, this resistance, just like the functioning of your own resistance to disease, can erode and weaken. The easiest way for this to happen is by repeatedly exposing yourself to engaging with us. The more you do so, you do not build your resistance but you weaken it. Of course, as I have explained above, you think you are becoming more resistant because you have an encounter with us and you walk away head held high thinking you handled it well. Superficially, yes, but beneath the surface, the problems I have detailed above are forming, waiting and growing ready to ensnare you.

By obeying this golden rule, you will avoid the complacency and risk which comes with thinking you are immune. Instead you will recognise you have resistance, you will understand that his resistance can be made stronger and can also be made weaker, so that with that logic defence established in your mind, you will work harder to avoid complacency and the problems that come with that.

Some of your resistance will be innate, but the majority of resistance is that which is learned and applied. You increase your resistance through reading and understanding, through the imposition of a solid no contact regime, by applying a rigorous purging of the emotional infection so it is driven to the lowest level and by the building of Logic Defences. Combining all of those elements will heighten your resistance, minimise weakening it, reduce the risk of using your resistance unnecessarily (which is of course a consequence of the impact of emotional thinking) and means that when a hoover happens to get through unexpectedly, that when you have those ‘bad days’ when you pine for us, your resistance will not be found wanting and you will repel the hoover, you will reject the emotional thinking which is straining to make you contact us and you will ensure that your resistance remains intact. Do not voluntarily test it, that is giving in to emotional thinking and taking an unnecessary risk – save its strength for when it is really needed because those moments will indeed come.

By applying the cornerstone elements from the paragraph above, their maintenance becomes easier, more natural and more instinctive and thus less arduous for you. You do not need to maintain a state of heightened vigilance, for that becomes draining, you will create a more-readily maintained defensive regime. Doing so little and often becomes far easier than a sudden overhaul when it is too late, which is invariably when complacency has already become the traitor who is unlocking the castle gates.

You are not immune.

You are always resisting.

Remember this and that resistance will achieve freedom and maintain it.

42 thoughts on “The Golden Rules of Freedom – No. 4

  1. Deandra says:

    Hg, I have blocked my ex, moved and changed jobs and not made any contact with my ex for over a year. He is a mid ranger who discarded me. Would a mid ranger be challenged and intrigued by this unexpected total silence or just write it off as I am a cold bitch?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      He would regard you as a cold bitch, assuming that he has attempted to hoover you. He may not have tried as he may still be in a golden period with your replacement. I would need more information about your personal situation to provide an accurate answer and for that I recommend you organise an email consultation with me.

  2. Supernova DE says:

    “because of course logic would tell you that you have no need to engage with us.” ….

    The key words in that statement are NO NEED, because damn it can feel like a need at times, even though it is just an emotional “want.”

    I appreciate this post HG, and the timing is great as my ET has been getting me the past few days, damn those passive hoovers! I sense a hoover coming for some reason….and I’m usually pretty good at predicting it…will maintain resistance!!

  3. Joanne says:

    HG
    I have not gone NC and I really don’t foresee a hoover based on our affair being so brief, and him not having any difficulties securing plenty of fuel sources.

    I fear that unfollowing/blocking/etc will insult him and ignite fury. He can ruin my marriage in an instant with photos and texts…

    1. Mercy says:

      Joanne, yeesh thats tough but chances are if he isn’t hoovering he’s not likely to be checking your social media. It’s best to do it when he’s not paying attention. If you wait and he has the opportunity to hoover (because he’s not blocked) it will open the door for him to create the problems you are worried about.

      I’m not an expert at NC but I am an expert at failing NC. I know the more opportunities given to the narc, the more he can destroy.

  4. Jess says:

    How long does it take to stop being hypervigilant about any hoovers that may be launched in our direction? Have been NC 5 months now and although I am calmer, I am still constantly on the ‘lookout’ for exUMRN trying to somehow establish contact. I’ve had two email wishes that landed in my spam box that I ignored. Anyone else feeling this way or is it just me?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      There is not set time period Jess and your NC appears to be robust, save that I anticipate he is occupying your thoughts more than he should. You would benefit from creating distractions for yourself and if you want additional help regarding this issue, do consult with me and I will be able to assist you.

  5. Laurel says:

    Quote: ‘The very fact you are engaging with us when you think that you are immune, means that your emotional thinking is working, because of course logic would tell you that you have no need to engage with us. Why then are you doing it? Because I want to show myself I will not react, I will not get drawn back in. That is emotional thinking. You are engaging with us and several things arise from this which are problematic’.

    Absolutely. And this was my HUGE mistake with a year of no contact under my belt.

    I remember sitting there reading the text he sent and actually saying to myself ‘ok – can you handle this? Are you able to stay emotionally distanced from him?’

    What ensued over the next three weeks was shattering to me. It did however mean I went to great extremes to block him in all ways. New email address, number and I’ve disappeared off social media.

    I know I can’t interact with him on any level ever again.
    He can be so sweet. But he’s a cruel, self serving person who has no empathy. Only an ego boosting agenda. I can no longer afford to pay the emotional currency to boost his ego.

    He triangulates like a pro. I know he has no respect for me. I am healing and I am getting on with life. I was so impressed with this post. It ‘fueled’ up my resolve to keep doing what I’m doing. I no longer hope the way I used to. I no longer care the way I did as well.

    My mantra on the tough days is:

    I don’t want to hear or see your name.
    I don’t want to hear your voice.
    I don’t want to read your words.
    I don’t care what you are doing.

    Thanks for the insight HG. There is nothing linear about this process of letting go and moving on. Everything helps. Emotional ties are what Keep the pain going. They can alert you to danger though! I think acceptance is key to healing. There’s no other way. We cannot fight. Just accept that it is what it is. I worry I think about him too much still. I’m just being kind to myself. And reading a lot.

    I loved your Red Flag, Manipulated and Ghosted and Gilded books too. I will review them properly on Amazon.

    Sending sunshine to everyone from Australia!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome and thank you for reviewing the books.

    2. Supernova DE says:

      Laurel,
      I appreciate you sharing this, as it reminds me that no amount of time NC will make it OK to try and talk to him.
      I worry I think about the MRN too much also, but I am trying to be kind to myself in this regard, just as you say.
      Best wishes!

  6. SMH says:

    Hmmm. I just had this revelation that I am far from immune. The last four months, when I was ‘involved’ with and thinking that I was really interested in someone else, were simply an attempt to divert my thoughts from MRN. I was completely ambivalent the whole time yet I stuck with it and even struggled to gain control. Why? I was using him. Now that it’s over/paused, MRN has hijacked my brain again. I did not think that would happen. I thought I was cured.

    Of course MRN’s passive hoovers have not helped – he has me exactly where he wants me – thinking about him. How did he know to time things so perfectly so that he would be present just when there is a void??!! It’s like he sees everything I am doing and knows my every thought.

    I have not looked at his social media or IPPS’s or anyone’s really. I have not contacted him. I have not even Googled him. I have not done anything. But right now I don’t feel like the success story I thought I was. Instead, I feel like this will never be over – that we will indeed be connected until one of us is dead!

    1. Marina says:

      Hi SMH. I totally know what you mean about “how did he know “? I had a casual flirtation with my narc at the local bar for years. He finally decided to make a move when I was at a serious weak point grieving the loss of my sister and brother in law(seperate incidents). I still wonder, how did he know I was ripe for the picking? It really is like a sixth sense for them!

      1. SMH says:

        Marina,

        I am very sorry for your losses! Coincidentally, I also lost my sister (six months ago) and I also met MRN at a point of weakness, though about something different years ago.

        MRN doesn’t know about anything that’s been going on with me for the past 8 months. The passive hoovering (online creeping) is what he has always done, some of which I’ve been aware of and some not. Some catches me at a weak moment and some passes me by. I didn’t even ask HG if it could be him until it had been going on for a few months, and now I am waiting for the next attempt.

        I think some of it must be deliberate – your bar guy seems to be – but also that their suction hoses are always hoovering – swishing around like an elephant’s trunk catching whatever they can. When our emotions are heightened, we are more vulnerable.

        The other guy wrote today – very chatty. We are trying to be friends and he seems to be thawing. Not so serious all the time. He has lost two siblings himself and knows about MRN. He got a horrified look on his face when I told him about the online creeping. I had to add that MRN is not violent/dangerous. It is hard to explain to normal people!

        Do share more of bar guy story if you care to, Marina. Are you involved with him now?

    2. Supernova DE says:

      SMH,
      You hit me in the feels with this post haha. Somehow I think the MRN’s hold on the most…Greaters are so good at getting fuel they have so many more distractions, and Lessers won’t put forth the effort. But the MRN will remember, and I think probably come back over and over and over, those passive hoovers don’t take much thought or effort.

      1. SMH says:

        I think you are right on all counts, Supernova DE. It’s a big never ending game and I have to accept that he is going to drive me crazy for the rest of my life!

    3. Mercy says:

      SMH, you are still a success story! You’ve held onto NC, you’ve tried to date (who cares what your reasoning was with Scottish guy, you got out there), and you are truly learning who you are. The fact that you can admit that you are still vulnerable speaks volumes of your success. Success isn’t taking the easy way, it’s facing the hard shit and you are doing that. You are allowed to have bad days. Don’t be hard in yourself.

      1. SMH says:

        Thanks, Mercy! I’m better today – it was just a blip and I didn’t slip. Good thing I can come here to write and I still have all of you. xo

  7. Marina says:

    Hey H.G.
    I am completely fascinated with N.P.D. and the other “dark” personality disorders. I’ve been researching (really just googling) psychopaths and I recently read that they supposedly
    A) need very little sleep and are able to sleep soundly just about anywhere
    B) have a limited sense of smell. That is, they can tell they are smelling something but won’t be able to differentiate between odors as well as a normal person
    I remember my last narc telling me that he could indeed sleep anywhere and didn’t require many hours of sleep. I thought nothing of it at the time but now it frightens me! I wish I could test his sense of smell!
    Just curious if either of these traits apply to you.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      A applies to me.
      B I have an excellent sense of smell, take this new perfume for example, Essence De Stinkfish what a confluence of delightful fragrances.

      1. MB says:

        “Essence of Stinkfish”. Oh HG, I fear your sense of smell has been affected by your profound NPD. That is Essence of Skunk Penis you are smelling. (Compliments of NAs New Years prank.)

      2. mommypino says:

        HG, I have read in a book that psychopaths do not have dreams. But I have read in an article that psychopaths have a lot of sexual and aggressive dreams. Does any of those apply to you? Or do you also have regular dreams?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          I do not dream.

      3. mommypino says:

        Wow thank you HG! That is so fascinating! I can’t imagine myself never dreaming.

  8. Marina says:

    That advice is beyond valuable! Thanks H.G.

  9. Min says:

    H.G. Good evening, a question, is it possible that those women who are especially nourishing, maternal, awaken in the narcissist some kind of particular dependence or idealization, because they unconsciously represent the “good” mother they did not have?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Applicable to the Victim cadre of narcissist.

  10. WW says:

    I’m sorry I lost it on you with my beating to a bloody pulp comment on the other post. I have moments where the rage is uncontrollable and it feels great to bite. I’m happy this fuels you. It’s a perfect ecosystem you have here. 😉

    1. HG Tudor says:

      It’s a tiny dollop of fuel for me.

  11. 69Revolver says:

    INDEED.

  12. Leslie says:

    Never let your guard down. Ever. Not ever ever ever.

  13. Luna Enigma says:

    We may not be immune, but we learn how to be bulletproof

  14. J.G says:

    ” when complacency has already become the traitor who is unlocking the castle gates”.

    This is the part that made me think that my ideas of revenge are not so good, I had not thought about this fact…
    A golden warning…

  15. Try The Fruit Salad says:

    Also: Anyone else read these scrumptious posts in the computerized voice that hacker group ‘Anonymous’ uses for their videos? It’s fitting
    :
    “..you cannot resist

    you cannot hide.

    WE. WILL. FIND . YOU..” – Anonymous

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You can listen to them in my superior voice TTFS over on YouTube.

      1. MB says:

        Your Scottish voice?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          I am not Scottish.

          1. MB says:

            I was kidding! (Because of your earlier comment to the reader that wondered if you were Scottish.)

      2. Presque Vu says:

        Pahahahaha!!! love that MB that really did make me laugh

        1. MB says:

          I’m glad you got it Presque Vu! I like making people laugh. Enjoy your day.

      3. kathy0720 says:

        I mean the voice is fine HG but I’m more of a reader..

  16. Try The Fruit Salad says:

    YES. Some of us need the LULZ of playing shell games and hot and cold with all the narcs. They are precious, precious Pocket Pets. Understand THAT. Believe. **screamed in Tyler Perry Madea voice**

  17. pascaleshealingjourney says:

    Wow, it’s like reading my own story!! During the hoover phase I believed that I was immune to his insidious manipulations too. My thinking was exactly as described. But obviously he was still getting to me one way or the other, so No Contact was the only way to go.

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