The Wrong No Contact

THEWRONGNO CONTACT

No Contact.

This is what anybody who has been a victim of our kind must achieve. Whether that status of victim stems from being a friend to a narcissist where you are taken for granted, used when the narcissist needs a lift or someone to moan to or whether it is the beaten down and trampled Intimate Partner Primary Source who was wife, boyfriend or partner has endured and suffered extensive abuse, no contact is the antidote.

Building that robust and effective wall of no contact can be difficult. It is time consuming, requires rigour and perseverance and not only are you trying to repel the advances of the narcissist who is trying to breach your no contact regime, you also have to fight against yourself and your emotional thinking which is trying to make you breach no contact as well. Indeed, it is often your emotional thinking which proves to be the harder enemy to conquer and it is not a one-off battle. Your emotional thinking, because of who you are and the emotional infection your engagement with the narcissist has caused, means that this is an ongoing battle which requires your repeated vigilance. Through the application of understanding and building your Logic Defences, the task does become easier, but it is not one which goes away. Like any wall, it must be checked, maintained and patrolled, otherwise holes and breaches occur and the narcissist will impact on you once again.

Time and time again I see people who think they have put in place no contact and they have not. Sometimes it almost beggars belief that the victim thinks they have established no contact – it is obvious they have not. In other instances you could be forgiven (if forgiveness was something I gave) for thinking you have implemented no contact but in actual fact you have not. There are many instances where people think they have instigated no contact and all they have done is embark on The Wrong No Contact. Here are just a few of the many ways in which you might be getting no contact wrong and the risks that come with this.

  1. Looking At Social Media

Just because the narcissist does not explicitly know you have looked at his or her social media does not mean this is no contact. Indeed, we rely on you doing so and expect you to look at our social media, that is why in certain instances you are not blocked from looking at our Facebook account, Twitter feed, Instagram and so forth. We want you to look at it. Just because you are not interacting directly with us, just because you are not commenting and we are not replying, just because you are not adding likes – this is not no contact. If you are looking at our social media you are likely to see indirect jibes made about you, Relationship Bulletins about your replacement, reminders of the golden period and even direct attacks against you. This will result in :-

  • a risk you will be upset, hurt, angry
  • the maintenance of the emotional infection because you are thinking about us
  • a surge of emotional thinking which may cause you to contact us to attack us for our barbed comments towards you, to seek answers when you are upset about the reminder of an anniversary or similar
  • stopping you from moving forward

2. Not Blocking Our Number

You may think that it will be the first thing you will do when you commence no contact. You block our number from your telephone and mobile phone so that we cannot call or text you from the relevant number. Of course we may get around this by using a different device therefore that is why you are better served by changing your telephone numbers, but if you do not change the numbers then you ought to block the new number of ours which appears and keep doing so, like a matador dodging the on rushing bull each time to avoid harm.

Nevertheless, the number of occasions I see people who claim they are no contact but they have not blocked our number is higher than you might think. These people think that if they, as victim, do not contact us, then that is no contact. No, it is not. Of course, those people who do not block the number are giving in to their emotional thinking because they WANT the narcissist to contact them.

If you do not block our number, this is not no contact. One of the easiest hoovers for us to perform is to text you. It uses no effort, it brings with it a reduced consequence of wounding (say compared to ringing you on the telephone or seeing you in person) and allows the drawing of fuel. If you do not block our number, you are lowering the hoover bar to such a low level that hoovers are more or less inevitable.

The emotional thinking of victims tells them things such as :-

  • It is over, there was a ‘final discard’ he will never contact me anyway;
  • If she does text me, I won’t reply and that will wound her, so actually I am ‘winning’;
  • There might be an emergency and therefore I cannot block him

Utter rubbish.

There is no such thing as a final discard. We will contact you, subject to the Hoover Trigger being activated and the Hoover Execution Criteria being met. If you do not block us, this is going to happen. You will be hoovered.

If you allow a text through, you are maintaining the emotional infection and you will suffer a surge in emotional thinking which may very well result in you responding and before you know it, you are not only providing fuel but you are being drawn back into the Formal Relationship. Months later you will ask ‘how the hell did that happen?’ Every text which arrives adds more and more to your emotional thinking until such time that you can no longer resist. Oh, I hear your protestations that you can resist but i have witnessed such resolve melt away. If you are playing Russian roulette and pull the trigger once and do not blow your brains out, you have survived. Pick the gun up again and again and again and eventually you will kill yourself. This is the similar effect of repeatedly engaging with us by allowing those texts through – you WILL succumb.

So what if there is an emergency? I know you are kind, decent and honest but we are no longer your concern in that respect. You need to remind yourself that you have no obligation towards us (of course our perspective will make us tell you differently) and therefore that False Suicide Power Play Hoover is not something you have to deal with. If you co-parent establish a mechanism whereby the narcissist e-mails routine communication to you. You tell the narcissist in advance that you will check the e-mails once a week at a set time  and never deviate from this. This way you cater for communication regarding the children but only expose yourself once a week to potential hoovers. When the narcissist realises this is being done, see how the hoover attempts diminish. If you need a mechanism for emergency communication, tell the narcissist to contact a third party who will then contact you. Use this gate keeper.

3. Keeping our telephone number

You may say that you will not use it and therefore think that this is no contact, but once again, this is not no contact. With our number sat in your phone, even if you have changed the description to ‘Arsehole Number One’ , ‘Shit 4 Brains’ or ‘Narcopath’ you are creating problems :-

  • You see the name and number and you are then reminding yourself of us and thus this is a form of Ever Presence ;
  • You are leaving open a gateway. There will be an occasion when your emotional thinking surges and causes you to try to contact us. If our number if there you will use it and message us or ring us. If there is no number, you cannot call us.

Do not come up with the nonsense of ‘I have memorised the number so I will remember it anyway so what difference does it make if I keep the number in my phone?’ Bollocks. Your memory is fallible and over time if you have not used our number, you will eventually forget it altogether or at least get some numbers mixed up. If it is still in your directory, you will ring it.

Delete that number. Do it and do it immediately.

4. Talking to friends and family about us

You may think that because you are not engaging with us directly then this must mean no contact is in place. It is not in place if you continue to talk about us to your friends and your family. This is causing you to engage with us, albeit indirectly. All this does is result in :-

  • You continuing to think about us with the consequential impact on your emotions;
  • The continued feeding of the emotional infection which you should be purging, not feeding ;
  • Allowing your emotional thinking to surge with the risk this may control you once again and you end up contacting us or succumbing to a direct hoover with all that follows from that

It is of course inevitable that you will discuss the situation with your family and friends especially when you do not understand what you are dealing with. However, once you realise you are dealing with a narcissist then there does not need to be any more discussion. If you are not sure whether the person is, do not discuss it with your family and friends, they invariably have no idea whether the person is or not, they have no expertise. Indeed, they may well be revelling in joining in the ‘narc hating’ sessions which are actually not helping you at all. Alternatively, they may well be sick of hearing you going on about him or her and want you to shut up, but tolerate it out of a sense of loyalty. If you are unsure, ask me and I will give it to you straight, one way or the other.

Once you know, you go.

No more debating it with your best friend. No more mulling it over with your football mates after the game in the pub. No more ‘ifs and buts’ discussions with your parents. This person is a narcissist and you are not to dedicate any time to discussing this person. If you have to discuss an arrangement concerning the narcissist because they are collecting the children from your parents, then that is allowable but keep it to that. You do not need to tell people what the narcissist did or said. All you are doing is repeating this person is a narcissist, you already know this, they already know this, so why keep going on about it?

You do it because your emotional thinking wants you to do so. It wants you poring over the latest misbehaviour because it craves the horrified gasps from your friends or looks of disapproval from your mother. You do not need these responses.

Do not talk about us. Explain to your friends you do not want the narcissist spoken about to you. If they try to do so, politely explain again that this person means nothing to you anymore and therefore there is no need to talk about them.

5. Watching what we are doing

You may make the intelligence agencies proud of your covert observation of us as you watch where we go, who we are with and what we are doing. You do not need to do this. Again, once you know what we are, get out and stay out. Yes, I understand it is so tempting to know what we are up to, are we seeing someone else, what does he or she look like, why are we going to these places but all you are doing is succumbing to your emotional thinking which is conning you into maintaining a link with us.

Your emotional thinking will tell you that it is permissible to engage in this behaviour because you are not contacting us directly, you are merely observing. These are examples of your emotional thinking conning you into thinking this stalking and observation is a good idea

  • You are gathering evidence to tell other people what we are doing to confirm what you have told them previously (you do not need to – you know what we are, that is all you need, you do not have to persuade other people)
  • You are gathering evidence for a court case (you do not have to do it – hire somebody to do this or if you cannot afford to do that, have a friend or family member do it – also question whether you really need to this evidence)
  • You want to know who the narcissist is seeing so you can warn this person about us (part of your decent nature but unnecessary – you owe the new person no such obligation to warn then and in any event it is unlikely you will be believed because of the smearing we will have done against you)
  • You just need to know for your own piece of mind (utter nonsense, you do not need to know at all)

Recognise these sleights of mind by your emotional thinking and act on them.

If you keep watching us, all you are doing is

  • Creating harmful emotions that impact on you
  • Keeping the emotional infection alive and growing
  • Causing your emotional thinking to surge so you contact us directly
  • Being spotted by us and suffering a hoover (benign or malign)
  • Being spotted by us and being on the end of a restraining order or similar for harassment etc

These are just five examples of The Wrong No Contact. There are many more. Be alert for them, recognise them and understand why you are not implementing no contact. Stop letting your emotional thinking con you.

Once you know, you go.

Get out, stay out.

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56 thoughts on “The Wrong No Contact”

  1. Alright HG.. I am abandoning all ties. I’ve blocked (rather than just delete all his family members) and I am actively deleting all photos on my phone. My narcissistic traits have had a blast making fun of his panic pick and new comrades.. BUT the emotional infection lives in this fleeting form of “fun.” It’s killing me because the absurdity represented in these photos I have are validating in a sense, but I have to move forward. I’m reading No Contact and you are correct. I hate that you are always freaking right. Now, can you send me a non-narcissist that is good looking, good in bed, not an idiot? Just for part-time use?

  2. I realized what he is about 7 weeks ago. I went no contact and a week later he signed up for Facebook. He hasn’t added me but I know he did it to get to me. He knows I’ll constantly look at it. I’m guilty of doing everything in this post. It’s hard. I’m struggling. His love bombing was effective. Do I block him on Facebook? Or will that give him more fuel? I’m still learning.

  3. IMHO, this article is one of your most important (And possibly one of the most misunderstood).

    No contact is painfully difficult at first. It’s like operating on oneself without the anesthesia. But DO IT. Cut them out of your life. Exercise all the demons.
    Only then can you begin the process of healing.

    Peace 💞

  4. I did not block his number for some time. That resulted in SMS hoovers. When I finally blocked his number, he used a payment app to message me. He even transferred small amounts of money, to try to get my attention. I ignored him for six months, and then he managed to get a reply from me on new years eve. That ended with us meeting and having sex…. cannot believe it, how I could let myself be fooled after everything I have learned. I managed to see through his lies and manipulations the next day, and got away from him again and went No Contact, for real.

    I know he has a new IPPS,but keeps her a secret, it might also be that he has not embedded her yet.
    Does a narcissist hoover when he has embedded a new IPPS? or does this prove that he has nobody, and is desperate for fuel?

    It was very clear that he did not want to get into a relationship with me, he wants me to hope for it, wait for it, while having sex with him and while he does what he wants because we’re not «together». This was our relationship for six years. I still was his primary source.

    Does his hoovers mean that the new IPPS is in devaluation?

    I also have very strong reasons to believe that this new IPPS is a narc herself. Will two narcissists always cheat on each other?

    1. Leolita
      The IPPS is in devaluation when promiscuity is occurring so he may no longer be in the Golden Period with the IPPS.

      The hoover turned into a booty call for some hoover fuel (sex = fuel) however, it looks like he doesn’t want to re-establish the formal relationship (FR) with you. If you are not sure about the IPPS, then you may find this article helpful.

      https://narcsite.com/2019/01/05/the-veiled-primary-source-6/

  5. I am going through this right now. I actually broke up with him this time. It is so damn hard not to check Facebook and see what dating websites he’s on. My heart just hurts.

  6. “Emotional infection.” You nailed the feeling. Do you remember that tracking bug they inserted in Neo’s belly in The Matrix, which looked like a shrimp? That’s what I imagine my narc did to me the first time we kissed. No matter how much I try, I can’t get rid of the tracking bug. It tracks my thoughts, my feelings, my actions, my conversations, my sleep. I fucking hate this human being.

    1. Sweetest perfection I hear you!! Nice analogy!!
      There are things I still don’t do 15 months after leaving him! The addiction is still there, desperate to purge but something keeps me doing 1,2 and 3!
      Have you consulted with HG? I have finally decided to do so because he deserves no space in my mind heart and soul. I have held off for various reasons and one of them is because I wasn’t fully ready to let go as I truly believed he loved me.

      1. Thank you, Presque Vu. I haven’t consulted with HG but I need to. I haven’t stopped doing my own things, but there’s not one day I don’t think about this person. Of course, interacting in this blog reinforces it, but it’s a good alternative to stalking him on Facebook and I learn more. If I were Neo I would take the blue pill, which I always thought looks very suspiciously like a gel Advil… 🙂

  7. This post came at just the right time. I’m busy with your No Contact book presently but external factors have caused an unexpected surge in emotional thinking. This has (hopefully) put me straight somewhat. Thank you, H.G.

  8. Dear Mr Tudor,
    Harry Potter is on your blog …. posts are disappearing and reappearing … magic happens
    Thought you should know … started yesterday
    And there’s no ,waiting for moderation” …”poof”, the comment vanishes
    Luv Bubbles xx 😘

    1. Bubbles
      Harry Potter may be here on the blog, but I think a Weasley is more likely responsible for the loose gremlins.

      1. Dear Windstorm,
        Haha … luv those Weasleys
        It’s still going weird and postings are running on 9 3/4 and a day late and the formatting is changing right before my eyes from old to new and new to old ….. Voldemort is at play….. I can feel it 🐇🎩
        😂
        Luv Bubbles xx 😘

      2. Leanne
        Well the furry gerbil has survived Richard Gere’s ass because the blog stats are back.

  9. This is me.
    I’m scared he will smear me to my husband if I block and unfollow him.

    Won’t this ignite fury and cause him to lash back at me?

    1. Joanne, I was terrified like you. And then I read Smeared and I almost collapsed with a panic attack. I love my husband and I don’t want to lose him. I made a terrible mistake and I’m paying for it. Like you, I didn’t touch Facebook at first for the same reason, but narc wouldn’t stop hoovering there, posting a million things that referred to me, my taste in music, my country, my university, anything that he knew would make me think he still thinks about me. At least he is married too so I don’t think he wants to take risks, but you never know. I decided I had to give myself some peace of mind despite the risks. So I deactivated my account, period. That way I didn’t have to block him, his IPPS, his friends, and everyone’s mother.
      However, I still stalked his profile for a while until I realized this was hurting me and stopping any progress, so now that I’m abroad and away from our common environment I used this time to really disconnect. I miss Facebook but the craving dissipates after a while.

      1. SP
        Deactivating Facebook was a smart decision, and eliminated your need for blocking. Narc and I are connected on so many different social apps 🙁 some of which I cannot deactivate (without causing real suspicion). I know I’ve worked myself into a real predicament here. He is not very active and is definitely not posting anything related to me – what you described would be really hard for me to see. But when I do see a post of any sort, my fight or flight response is through the roof. I know I need to do this. I’m just so scared…

      2. Joanne, have you read No Contact? Under the list of excuses for not implementing NC, HG includes “fear.” Fear of igniting his fury, fear of being smeared, fear of being threatened… as HG says: “Utter balls” (I was gonna add an exclamation mark, but he wouldn’t use that because it’s emotional thinking).

        Joanne, you need some time until your anxiety dissipates, I’ve felt the same fear. Maybe you need to start cutting ties like I did, step by step. Then, you need to digest the fact that if you really go NC, it means there will be NO contact, never, ever again with this person. It’s a hard concept to swallow for an empath, I at least keep being friends with all my exes (and there are a few). But this one is not a normal ex, he is putrid, and his stench will be nauseating after a while. You are scared of him telling, but by maintaining contact, he can always have that control over you. Always is a long time…

      3. SP
        Thank you. Yes, I am very anxious right now. At one time, the reason I didn’t want to go NC was because I thought we could be friends. And, I wanted him to continue “observing” me/ wanting me. I realize now that’s not even something within my control. But now, it’s just fear, and as much as I don’t think this narc would be that terrible to me – knowing he’s a NARC, there’s no guaranteeing what he may do now or whenever. Always IS a long time, and I can’t have him holding me hostage for the rest of my life.

      4. Joanne
        You could look at it that if he were to do something that you fear, he coukd do it now or later, so why give him more time/chances? The longer you stay entangled the longer he has to collect and hold things over you, and you would have a tougher time explaining the length of your involvement to your husband if that were to happen (and I’m not saying that would happen – just that it’s your fear). If you consult with HG, he can tell you the best way to extract yourself from this situation. Who knows better how one of his kind would respond?. It will result in a plan to effect and hooefully peace of mind. Just a thought.

      5. NA
        Yes I have considered consulting with HG on this in particular. In fact we’ve already consulted on my situation in general and it’s been incredibly helpful. We are no longer entangled romantically, yet still loosely connected (purely virtually). We have had a few meaningless, benign, friendly interactions over social media since it ended. I guess there is also a part of me that feels I was not fully ensnared since we never “consummated” the affair with sex. I don’t know 😔 I appreciate your comment and will continue to keep consultations in mind. I still listen to my personal HG recording all the time to stay planted in the reality of what this all really was.

      6. Joanne, I think you are ensnared as soon as the narcissist engages with you. Consummation isn’t necessary to bind you. The relationship is still forever. Correct, HG?

        I totally understand you wanting to “keep him sweet” as HG calls it. I get you 100%. Our situations seem almost identical. Emotional thinking runs rampant.

      7. MB
        Yes! I’ve not heard HGs reference to “keeping him sweet,” but this seems close to my thinking. I know this is ET. I don’t deny this is “forever,” regardless of our affair being brief and the lack of sex, what he was able to do to me in such a short length of time will leave an imprint on me for the rest of my life, especially if I don’t employ NC. The good news is that after all I’ve learned here, I’m no longer under any fantasy that this narc could ever meet me on my level – emotionally, sexually, mutual companionship, etc. But even knowing that, I admit that though long, a tendril remains. He has SOMETHING. MB, I would love to hear more about your situation. Are you married too? What is your status with your narc?

      8. Joanne, this is something my narc told me: “We are way beyond that [sex]. We have been entangled already for a long time. For me, there’s no separation between our emotional-cultural-intellectual-psycho connection and the physical one.” I can’t believe I fell for this BS… But yes, I agree with MB. After reading you two, I think the three of us have similar situations. I haven’t had a consultation with HG yet because I’m scared he will tell me my narc is a Greater and then I will run and lock myself in a monastery.

      9. Oh, that would be lovely, MB. We would laugh so hard at comparing notes … are we allowed to be real friends? I don’t know if that’s part of the secret five rules that no one can talk about. “The first rule of the five rules is: you don’t talk about the rules.”

      10. SP, check out HG’s Instagram page Knowing the Narcissist. He’s been quite the little busy bee on there lately. Beautiful lake pics, HG!

      11. I just stopped stalking one narc on social media, MB, give me a break lol. I don’t have Instagram, I’m incognito at this moment, traveling and not posting any pics, which feels weird to be honest.

      12. Sweet P
        I think its great youre travelling and not posting. Be in the moment and experience. No one else needs an update. Leave them with thought fuel lol.

      13. Thank you, NA. I am lucky, I’ll be traveling most of the year. And yes, this is not for anybody but me.

      14. No one answered my previous question: are we allowed to be friends? I’m serious. We can travel and drink wine and laugh at our narcs’ sexual oddities. And every time one of us feels like answering a hoover, she does a shot of tequila. It would be fantastic!

      15. SP, I thought I did answer your question. Maybe it didn’t go through. Of course we are allowed to be friends if that is what we want. It is not possible through the blog and remain anonymous though.

      16. That’s why I asked. Rule #8 of Narc Club: “You must not post personal information that will allow another person to contact you.” I understand that and I am actually very private about my own details, I haven’t mentioned where I’m originally from, what languages I speak, where I am currently and where I’m traveling to or what I do for a living either. But I want a cocktail!!! 🍸

      17. SP, you are correct! Any personal details will be filtered out by our dear protective moderator. Isn’t he the just the best? It is for our own protection and he takes that VERY seriously, as he should. There are many here who are in serious danger.

      18. MB & SP, lunch and cocktails would be so fun 🙂 I just checked out HGs insta. Love the little teaser posts… assume he’s swept some lucky lady away for one of these long weekend jaunts he frequently describes in his writing…

      19. SP
        I fell for so much BS too. I totally get it, especially if yours is a Greater, the level of intelligence and suave he has makes his allure and manipulation that much stronger. I believe mine to be UMR, which is dangerous enough. Smart, charming but with just enough rough edges to make him seem genuine and believable 🙄 I haven’t done the narc detector (I just skipped to standard consult because I wanted specific answers) but I’m still interested to see where my narc falls on the “spectrum.”

      20. Sweetest Perfection,

        “I haven’t had a consultation with HG yet because I’m scared he will tell me my narc is a Greater and then I will run and lock myself in a monastery.”

        Running to a monastery – that made me giggle this morning.

        You might find a consult very helpful. Initially I thought that my narc might be a Greater but he is not (Mid-Ranger).

        Regarding safety from a Greater in a monastery; I think HG, somewhere, said that seducing a nun is on his bucket list…

      21. Ha ha of course it is, WhoCares, every good Don Giovanni/Don Juan/Casanova needs to have a nun in his seduction catalog!

    2. I was in the exact same place a few months ago. Was using that potential danger of being exposed as a reason for not going NC. Consulted with HG and got some final missing parts of the puzzle for being able to go NC. It hurt pretty bad when I did it,even more because it was gradual (we were also working together remotely). But believe me,it does get better over time. I still get thoughts of him throughout the day but they don’t hurt any more. I don’t really know if I would make it if we were in the same town or even country. But since we’re not and now I am full NC it is much much better,I am getting myself back! We’ll see how I will feel if our paths cross again but until then I hope my LT will be completely in force 🙂 so do not fall into despair, I am only one more to confirm that GOSO is the only way. Especially if married. Be strong,stay strong 😉

  10. Hello, H.G. Tudor.
    Well, in my specific case, I had a quite correct zero contact.
    1) I haven’t seen social networks (yours doesn’t have / I don’t have)
    2) I don’t have his number (mobile phone / he doesn’t either) I’ve changed my phone number many times…
    3) I keep his phone number in my brain as many times as I call (sometimes this phone number comes to me, and I wonder whose phone number it is, while thinking about who I remember it to be my narcissist’s home phone). This happens to me from time to time (every two or three years).

    4) I don’t usually talk about this topic, nor observe his life… In these moments I speak more for the novelty, of the discovery that he is a narcissist. He was quite out of my life. Only sporadic encounters in the street. 1 or 2 per year. I always go by car and this avoids many encounters. But lately the meetings were more continuous because I detected blood sugar and I have to walk. He lives between my house and my mother’s house, sometimes these encounters are inevitable. I have timed the schedule of meetings 11:40 am. I try to pass by the street at 11:15 am to avoid these meetings. It’s very good, look at the time you find it, people usually have habits of exit and entry home.
    The victims also have our tricks.

    All my friends (I don’t have jajaja) / acquaintances many are of new batch and I don’t usually talk about it. For several reasons
    1 No one cares what I experienced.
    2 I have a new life and a new relationship.
    3 These friends don’t know the victim and don’t relate to her.

    I don’t frequent bars / restaurants / shops where I can find them. If for some reason I find it, it’s fortuitous or maybe it’s following me although this is unlikely.
    But for the moment only the meetings mentioned above have taken place, in the street.

    Although I may think that my zero contact can and will be tuned, I think that changing my whole life is a very high price, so I also think that I have done a lot during these 15 years to allow myself to go for a walk and see my mother. If there is some kind of hoovering knowing what I know. I will leave immediately, I know what it is, because I’ve lived it, I know what it is because you’ve told me and for me it’s not attractive even my desire for revenge is gone because I get tired of thinking evils that didn’t work… hahahaha I’m not good for that… evidently I’m not a narcissist.

    1. meetings not meetings, I don’t talk I just see him on the street and he sees me.
      He limits himself to look at me with the look of an ungrateful person.
      I see it right now as neutral/indifference because that’s what bothers him. I know it thanks to you. I limit myself to making my life.
      He lives 5-10 minutes walk from home.
      Not seeing him and maintaining zero contact in these circumstances is really very difficult.

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