Tell Me That It’s True

 TELL ME THAT IT IS TRUE

I told you I loved you. That was not a lie. I meant it when I said it. I meant it every time that I said it, wrote it, messaged it, voice mailed it, gifted it and e-mailed it. I knew how to portray it. That wasn’t hard. There is so much material available for me to know what to say, how to say it, what to do and how to do it. I have seen it when it has been directed at me time and time again. All I had to do was mirror it. I have had enough people fall under my spell and love me so that I recognise love when I see it. It became simple enough to replicate it. My intentions really were noble. I wanted to love you and I gave you the love that I knew that you wanted. I did enough to fathom out how you wanted to be loved. Goodness knows I put in the spadework. I observed you and saw who you interacted with. I followed you to the places you frequented and noted what you ordered most often to eat and to drink. I sat behind you on the bus one time and saw the book that you read. I recognised the author so I went and bought three other of her titles and displayed them at home in readiness to show you and to let you borrow those which you had not read yet. I dispatched a Lieutenant to chat you up and gather more information for me to collate and consider. I trawled the internet looking for your footprints. I sat up late as my phone buzzed and pinged with the messages from other prospects that I was cultivating but I made them wait as I searched for you. I found you and using a reliable false profile in the name of a friend of the opposite sex to me I managed to secure your online friendship. I did not approach you directly, despite the cloak of anonymity. I preferred to walk like a ghost through your cyber world, observing your photographs and establishing the places where they were taken. I noted who your friends were, I highlighted potential competitors and I discerned who your family are. I took in the YouTube postings and when they were timed which told me you enjoyed a few glasses of wine in the evening on your own as you posted musical memories from your teenage years. I walked through your posts and your comments, picking up snippets of information that detailed your devotion to romance, your love of small dogs and your dislike of the cold. Like a silent, vast machine I remained your unseen companion for a month as I sucked up as much information as I could in order to build a picture of you and how you wanted to be loved. Each meme you posted gave me a clue. Every discussion with your friends added further layers as I created the person that would love you. I uploaded to him your interests and made them his. I bolted on the necessary skill sets which would please you. I furnished him with the choice phrases that you wanted to hear. I configured his actions, expressions, behaviours and more that would make him provide you with the love that you wanted to much and once all of this considerable preparatory work was complete I began my seduction.

I loved you. I loved you with passion, desire, attentiveness, excitement, mystery and kindness. All created from the morass of information that I had gathered about you which was layered onto my existing experience from previous relationships and my knowledge of how love operates in the world. I know that it worked. You fell for me hook, line and sinker and you became enveloped in my creation where you flourished, you shone and you bloomed. Your happiness radiated from you like sunbeams, the pleasure you took in us being together was tangible and all of those around us commented as such. It was marvellous, spectacular, wonderful and perfect.

You had no idea that my love was a creation. Why would you when not only did it match your concept of love but driven by my excellence it exceeded it? Why would you challenge something that felt so golden and so glorious? You would not. I gave you this love and you returned it. It was a match made in heaven. It was a transaction that suited us both. You received my scintillating synthetic love and you gave me the love that sustains me, that emotion infused reaction which powers and sustains me. We both were winners.

Was it such a bad thing that what I gave you was a fabrication if it looked like the real thing? I might even go so far as to say that it was even better than the real thing. Am I to be regarded as a bad person for this fraudulent act. Is it not the case that my deceit pleased you? Yes, you did not know about this deceit, you had no awareness of the fabrication but that caused you no harm did it? You saw and you believed and seeing is believing surely?

When I took you in my arms, shielding you from the black day that you had emerged from and you looked into my eyes and saw the love, the devotion and the optimism that burned there, did it really matter that I was mirroring what you showed me so long as it made you happy, elated and feel loved? My optimistic eyes were your optimistic eyes.

When I unleashed my hatred you could not and still do not understand how someone could treat you like that when that person kept saying that he loved you.

It was easy to switch to this vicious malevolence. It was easy to peel back the veneer that was the manufactured love. It was easy to switch off the creation that I made that provided you with this perfect love. A flick of a switch and he ceased to exist, leaving you with something else instead.

I did not lie when I said that I loved you.

I did not lie when I whispered that I loved you.

I did not lie when I shouted that I loved you.

I just did not tell you the truth.

The truth that I never felt love for you.

Because I cannot do that.

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8 thoughts on “Tell Me That It’s True”

  1. Hey ava101!
    I’m back with a vengeance! (lame joke)
    I left an apology and a New Years musical mix on the November posting of Never Again, for not being able to continue our conversation… I’m a lazy bitch tonight so won’t rewrite that message here. If you could be bothered, have a look!

    That’s great news that you were able to reconnect with your Portuguese friend. No, I missed the mini narc story but good on you for blocking him. This young, compassionate guy….. is it a friendship or more?

    I hope your Irish mate is found asap. A parents worst fear- a missing child….. And don’t you worry ava101, there are plenty of good people out there to meet…..
    I do have a prediction for you though- I predict that you will meet at least one narcissist in the coming year…. and you will handle them with grace and humour! Xo

    1. In fact, ‘no love’ is better than ‘bad love’. Anyway, we can always love ourselves- the healthy way. And, though many do not believe, I know that God Loves us! He even loves Mr. Tudor. I mean, He seriously does!

  2. At some point there comes a time when those fancy loving words that are all lies don’t matter anymore!

  3. Hello, H.G. Tudor.
    Really, you didn’t lie. You just missed a lot of specification. You didn’t lie when you said you loved me.
    That’s true. But, if you had been specific and told me what you loved about my fuel. You would have been left with nothing.
    And you’re always hungry.
    Isn’t that true?
    But I have to admit that it is a great effort to collect information. To create this pantomime and reflection that makes us fall in love.

  4. Until yesterday, I thought that the narcs had incredibly vanished from my life but then I had a meeting about a business project with a guy I had met last week, where I suddenly felt like in another dimension and him completely de-valueing myself … or how do you say, haha. Making me feel completely insignificant and talking down to me. But, so, I closed my laptop with a grand gesture and left.

    Buuuut my narc mother for once did something nice for me …she went through all the very old papers she’s kept for many decades and found the second name and former address of my first friend … She had lived in Germany across the street from us, when we were in kindergarten … when we went to schook, she returned to her home country, Portugal. So, now, after all those years, I have found her again, and she just lives 2 hours away. 🙂 🙂

    She was my first “abandonment” experience, because I didn’t understand back then, but she is definitely not a narc. 🙂

    1. Hi ava101
      That’s a great story about your first friend. And I like your reaction to the business narc…. stylish and really the best thing to do!
      Keep us posted with your friend and how it goes x

      1. Hi Tappi, you’re back! 🙂
        How are you?

        Thank you! She is as sweet as ever! It really felt kind of healing to chat with her.
        I thought I’d share, because we had talked about experiences with sisters and female friends!

        Ah, yes, business narc, haha, exactly. Never heard a word back from him, again. But I am kind of proud how I handled that situation, and didn’t permit him to make me feel bad.

        I also blocked the mini narc I had experimented with (don’t know if you saw that … he always had a new excuse why he couldn’t drive, meet in the middle, etc., wanted me to come _near_ his place instead, which I declined 100 times …. ).

        —>> I am narc free!! I live with an empath / helper person, and met a young guy with a lot of compassion!! Incredible!

        I am also very sad and very positively surprised at the moment – a friend of mine, a young guy from Ireland, has vanished a week ago … no sign of him … I am worried sick … but there is a group on facebook where people organize searches, put in a tremendous amount of work to find him, exchange every single information, etc., all so, so helpful and caring — This all gives me hope for a world with more empathy. 🙂

        Even my ex-landlord whom I was sueing has agreed on an acceptable settlement payment.

        So … I hope this year stays narc free and that more people with compassion and empathy show up! For all of us!!

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