Errors of the Ignorant – No. 1
A series based on the comments made by people who fail to understand the true nature of narcissists and the narcissistic dynamic. Whilst these comments may be well-intentioned, they are incorrect, perpetuate misunderstandings and in many cases create false hope, dashed expectations and perilous outcomes.
It is a common response by those who fail to recognise our kind and also have no understanding of what we are and how we operate to tell the bewildered victim that the cure to our odd and unpleasant behaviour is to shower us with love.
Note that here the timing is important. We are devaluing you and therefore you are already on that slippery slope towards dis – engagement.
If, as someone who has been ensnared by one of our kind, you turn to somebody who is empathic for advice to understand what is going on, you will fall foul of their empathic trait of being a love devotee. This belief in the power of love, whilst a good trait in itself, is corrupted to become a burden when it is added to the equation with our kind. This near slavish belief in the fact that love will conquer all ills and overcome all problems results in an understandable, albeit misguided, injunction to apply more love to the problem with the narcissist.
It is not going to work. It is too late.
This is suggested most often with regard to the romantic dynamic between victim and narcissist. The advisor fails to recognise that the temper tantrums, the silent treatments and the name-calling, amongst so much else, are manifestations of the ignited fury of a wounded narcissist and instead attribute them to something else – it does not matter what the chosen descriptions might be because they are wrong. This means that the advisor fails to identify that the victim is in the grip of a narcissist in this romantic entitlement. They also fail to recognise what this means in terms of behaviour and as a consequence they see the application of love as a panacea which will cure all ills. This does not work with our kind.
There is no issue in providing us with more and more love during the golden period. Indeed, this is what we want and as a consequence of that approach you provide us with plenty of positive fuel. All is well. Of course, your confusion and bewilderment begins when we start to devalue you and you cannot understand why it is happening. Thus, you turn to someone else, some advisor, to try to gain answers for these unfathomable behaviours, volte faces and about turns.
The devaluation may occur for several reasons, when in the romantic dynamic between narcissist and Intimate Partner Primary Source (“IPPS”) but in the majority of cases it is because of the failure by the IPPS to maintain fuel at the right level of frequency, quantity and potency.
If you love us more and therefore provide us with more positive fuel during devaluation then there are several outcomes which can occur, but ultimately they all arrive at the same place; failure.
- If the problem was that your positive fuel was not stale but you were not providing it as often and as in the quantities we wanted, then an extra push of loving behaviour from you will remedy the problem BUT only for a short while. You will be granted a Respite Period by the narcissist as your positive fuel shines once again and the golden period returns. This may last for a few weeks, perhaps months, but it will ultimately result in your finding yourself in the place detailed at point three below;
- If the drop off in your positive fuel was caused by quantity and frequency issues, then devaluation has begun and there is a risk that we have begun the process of engaging with finding your replacement. Dependent on how advanced those searches are and how effective the prospective replacements are responding, even though you increase the frequency and quantity it may not be enough to save you from continuing devaluation, because of the interaction with one or more Candidate Intimate Partner Secondary Sources. Thus, loving us all the more does not work and your devaluation continues;
- The problem may not be the frequency and/or quantity but the level of potency. We have, in essence, had too much of a good thing and our familiarity to your potent positive fuel means it has lost its allure. Consequently, by trying to give us more of something we have become ‘sickened’ to, is not going to work. It is like someone becoming tired of strawberry ice cream and you turning up with a huge tub of strawberry ice cream. You will not stop the devaluation. Even if you managed to secure a Respite Period (see one above) eventually the familiarity issue will appear and you will find yourself in a situation where the potency no longer is effective, no matter how hard you try to love us and show that that love and devaluation will continue.
The consequences of this is that advising somebody to continue to love and to show even more love for us are:-
- The creation of a false hope that the perplexing behaviour we engage in will end;
- Victims will remain in an abusive and misery-inducing relationship for longer than they need to;
- Exposure to potential harm – whether it is the physically explosive response of a Lesser Narcissist through to the enduring mind games and psychological torture of coupling with a Greater Narcissist. The risk is increased of some form of harm – sexual, physical, psychological and/or financial arising;
- A complete erosion of the victim as they keep giving and giving of themselves, spurred on by this apparent authority that love will provide them with the answer to the issue and make it all good;
- A further false hope whereby if a Respite Period has arisen, the victim is conned into thinking that this increased loving has been successful, when in actual fact all it has done is secure a stay of execution and most likely made the eventual resumption of the devaluation all the harder to endure;
- The pollution of the victim. At some point the victim will be dis – engaged with and the failure of this apparent panacea of applying increased loving runs the risk of creating cynicism so that the victim feels unable to and/or unwilling to ever try to love anybody else again in a romantic sense.
This advice provided by somebody who is ignorant about what we are is tantamount to saying to somebody, “Stay in the burning house because eventually the fire will stop and you will then be okay.”
If you are in the romantic dynamic with our kind, all the continued provision of your love when the devaluation has already commencedwill achieve is to cause you to be bound to us and it signals to us that there is more negative fuel to be drawn from you because of your desperation to remain with us and to try to apply love to cure a situation which has now become one which cannot be cured.
11 thoughts on “Errors of the Ignorant – No. 1”
I cannot believe the picture accompanying this post! This exact image is the same one he sent me once. He said simply ‘this is us’. There was also another, similar again, but with words, something about a demon being saved by an angel. It was a meme.
Seeing this image was good for me today. Because it didn’t cause me to react in an emotional way. No feelings of sadness, wanting him or feeling crushed. That’s a huge accomplishment!
It did remind me though, of the enmeshment I was once tied to with him – unable to leave even though I knew how badly I was being affected. This image is powerful. It really is a visual representation of my time with him.
I’m currently reading your ebook ‘Sex and the narcissist’, HG and it’s been a cathartic release (no pun intended) because I actually feel like I have been set free of my trauma bonds with him.
I see him in a new way, and without any doubt now, I realise he did not love me. So many things he said, did and red flags that existed have cropped up in my mind reading this. So many ‘aha’ moments and pieces of the puzzle falling into place.
I can see it all now. It’s like being in a maze- left by him and me looking for him. Scared and alone and in pain. But he left me and it’s dark now. It’s cold and dark and I’m lost. I’ve tried so hard to find my way out. It’s been so hard. But then day breaks and you start using your intuition, self soothing and talking sense to yourself. You realise he isn’t coming back to help you get out of the maze, so you decide you can do it. It might be scary being lost but you know it’s not impossible to get out. You gave managed this long and survived.
Finally, you do get out – it’s the biggest feeling of happiness and relief! Still tinged with sadness thAt he didn’t want to be there for you, but when you see that you are now free, it doesn’t matter in the way it once did.
It’s true, no matter how much you love him, it won’t change the outcome. It’s like being in the maze and calling out his name. He’s not going to reply even if he hears his name.
Love hasn’t enough. Because he doesn’t want love. Just fuel. And it was a burning hell trying to give it to him.
Thank you HG. That image has made my day, in the most ironic way. I’ll review your book today on amazon. Truly awesome.
I am pleased to read that and thank you for reviewing my work on Amazon, that is both necessary and appreciated.
This is genius HG. I have a friend who (she doesn’t saaaay it but I know) that thinks you are totally creepy. Like I know she can’t figure out why in the world I would follow you etc. I just don’t mention it anymore..
Anyway, everything you have said here is
absolutely spot on. My emotional thinking
would have me baking some asshat his
favorite cookies and it would be like an
overdose of the strawberry ice cream!
It is ignorance and it’s unfortunate that it is this way. Adore you. Even if some people think you are creepy!
I am not creepy, not at all. I am brilliant and informative.
Oh I know. I would break bread with you certainly—it just lends to someone not understanding..
Uh-Huh, whatever you say, Sociopath…
I have that friend too Kathy! And my husband thinks HG has a creepy voice. (But he would never say it to his face!). Ha ha
Haha! I think it’s the whole Ted Bundy thing ruining it for the good HG’s. Ted just took it a little too far. HG’s voice is lovely. I don’t listen to his audio though—I’m more of a reader.
You’re missing out not listening Kathy. I read for the information, but I listen for the enjoyment.
Haha! I’m just a really avid reader!