Where Has He Gone?



The relationship had hit a rocky patch, albeit describing it as such would actually understate the manner in which our relationship has progressed as of late. It would be more accurate to describe it as a series of peaks and troughs. The devaluation began and the unpleasant behaviour has worsened. There have been peaks when we granted you respite from the denigration and abuse, the brief reinstatement of the golden period, before you were plunged once again into another trough of bewildering and upsetting treatment. Each descent seemed steeper and harsher than the preceding one. You hung in there, clinging on to the prospect of another glimpse of the golden period. Perhaps this time you would be able to hold onto it? After all, you must be doing something correctly mustn’t you if you can get the golden period to return? If only you could work out what was necessary to cause it to return and then for it to remain, then everything would be wonderful again. It is this eternal hope, which we rely on and that we stoke, which causes you to hold on even whilst you are being spun around, pushed and pulled and driven to despair.

This tumultuous period has persisted and then suddenly we have gone. We did not return when you expected us. The repeated telephone calls you have made have resulted in a ringtone but nobody answers. You have left repeated voicemail messages and you have sent numerous text messages, each with mounting desperation, begging and pleading for us to get in touch. You have called friends who have not been unable to assist in locating us. You even called the local police and hospital to ascertain if we had been arrested or we were being treated following a fall or a road accident, but those enquiries have drawn a blank as well. You have checked our online presence and there is nothing that shows any activity there since we disappeared. Messages do not even show as read. There is no indicator of us being online for over twenty hours now. It is as if we have vanished from the face of the earth.

People may regard this as the discard. This moment when we just cease all contact with you and disappear. It certainly feels like you have been discarded. As the hours turn into days and you still have heard nothing, you feel like we have just gone elsewhere without caring about telling you, providing you with some kind of explanation or even being concerned about the effect this disappearing act has had on you. Although this sudden cessation by our kind has gained popular description as the discard, a more accurate way of describing it would be to call it the pause.

This is because although we have vanished and we give the appearance of having ended the relationship, in our minds it has not ended. I have mentioned before that from the moment you are engaged by us, you have accepted an unwritten contract that you will be bound to us, in some way, until one of us dies. The nature of this binding, this connection will vary dependent on the various stages of the relationship. During seduction we will have many tendrils wrapped around you as we bind you tight to us and this continues during the golden period. The tendrils will unravel and then tighten again during the devaluation stage and then nearly all will release you when the “discard” occurs. You may not see us, you may not hear from us, you may have no contact at all with us, but in our mind there still remains some tendrils between us. A handful may still remain for the purpose of gathering fuel. Even though we cannot see your desperation and your despair, we know that this is what you will be experiencing and this provides us with fuel. Accordingly, there remains an intangible connection between us still. Even when those fuel tendrils loosen, it remains the case that there will be at least one left which will remain for however long is necessary before more tendrils come looking for you again as we unpause the hiatus and hoover you.

Accordingly, it may appear that we have discarded you but that is not actually the case. We have pressed pause so that we can halt that relationship. At some point we will return and press play again. You may have moved on in terms of your life, trying to heal and to piece things together again. We regard the relationship just as it was before we disappeared. That is why we often behave like nothing has happened. When we do re-appear we display an astonishing tendency to carry on as normal, as if the hiatus of months, maybe even years, did not actual happen. This is because from our perspective there has been no hiatus. We paused our dealings with you and now they can continue. Whatever else has gone on in between is irrelevant and does not need to be discussed. This capacity to behave in such a manner leaves you bewildered and amazed but this is entirely how we regard matters when we do such a disappearing act. All we have done is press pause and you are expected to be ready and waiting for when we come back and press play again.

So where do we go when this happens? The simple answer is that something shinier, brighter and more interesting has gained our attention. Just like how a child can be playing with building bricks and then when a toy with noises and flashing lights is waved under his or her nose, the child wants the new toy and immediately forgets about the reliable building bricks, we are the same. We will have been cultivating and courting this new toy and when we deem that it is superior to you we want to play with it all the time. We do not want to play with you anymore. When we seduced you, we made you feel like nothing else in the world mattered and you were the centre of our universe. This is now happening with your replacement. This more effective appliance has been chosen over you and in order to ensure that the seduction is totally effective and the fuel is obtained in huge amounts all attention must be focused on the new arrival. We will have moved between the two of you for a period of time (although you may not know this was happening) as we evaluated the prospects of the positive fuel from them against the continuing negative fuel from you. We enjoy receiving both but then the decision is made that the positive is going to be in copious amounts and therefore we switch to wanting this all the time and you are forgotten about, although not forever.

When this pause happens we will be concentrating on the new primary source of fuel that we have selected. The seduction had already begun. This is now the golden period for us and her. Just like the one you had. For this to continue the binding and the fuel provision all our efforts must be concentrated on her and not you. All resources are shifted to this front and you are forgotten about. It seems as if you never existed but we have not pressed stop. You do not get away that easily. We pressed pause so that you were shunted to one side so we could ensure that nothing got in the way of the coupling up with the new appliance. We will be taking them to places, whisking them away, spending lots of time at their house, just as we once did with you. That is where we have gone to. We have gone to someone else and have done it with the intensity and totality as we once did with you.

Do not despair however. We will be back to press play again. When might that be? You will be given no clue but the temptation of fresh hoover fuel will mean that pause becomes play, although it is more likely to feel like rewind to you as it all starts again.

64 thoughts on “Where Has He Gone?

  1. Bibi says:

    HG, I find myself, after a few glasses of wine, marveling over your legs. I now know their entire contour and shading amid the redness of Superdry Shorts and how your bronzed fuzz balances the reflection of sun. The ankles are a little thick, but that is not a criticism, as it merely means you have a strong stance about you, and your toes, while not a foot person myself, are tolerable, rather than hideous. Knees look healthy too. Quite meaty, are you.

  2. Bibi says:

    Oh and just wanted to add that this image always reminded me of Edward Hopper’s painting ‘Rooms By the Sea.’

    He is one of my faves. My work cube is decorated with a number of his prints.

    1. MB says:

      Bibi, let’s start a movement for another “sliver of HG” pic!

      1. Bibi says:

        Hahaha MB. We could compile all of him, cell by cell and construct what we wish.

        Muhaahhahaha (Evil laugh)

  3. Ema says:

    I just did my first Narc Detector and am so excited to receive HG’s feedback. I think I’ll suffer insomnia til he sends me his answer. There are 2 outcomes, either it will hit me that I was stupid and paranoid, misinterpret signs or I have actually learned something from being here and was on the right path. It feels like a fateful moment, if HG confirms the man is a narc, maybe I will be able to collect the shattered pieces of my self confidence and start trusting my senses or… accept that I was wrong and need to work on myself, go apologize to the guy that I kicked his butt, because I thought he was a narc…
    Anyone felt like this ?

  4. sighofrelieff says:

    As in not as I’m ….typo

  5. sighofrelieff says:

    You mentioned in one of your posts about how as the narcissist or psychopath ages that they need less fuel. I was wondering what you consider the aged narcissist. Like age range. I know you said you have not arrived there yet and that you are in your prime. So I don’t know what you consider aged. As I’m needing less fuel or up in age narcissist.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      No, some need less fuel and others need the same but struggle to get it. See Time and the Narcissist.

    2. Anm says:

      I keep trying to push HG into writing more aging and narcissism. I think most theories on the subject are incorrect or too generalised.

      1. Anm says:

        Theories from Therapist or Experts

        1. NarcAngel says:

          Glad you clarified you were pushing HG to write more articles in relation to therapists and experts. I was concerned you were now in the market for an aging narcissist and HG’s matrix is pretty full.

          1. HG Tudor says:

            Savage! You’re lucky I am dining out tonight with esteemed company otherwise to the dungeon you would go!

          2. Anm says:

            HG! I am down for the Early Bird Special Dinner tonight… Or whatever you call it in the UK. You can add me to the Triangulation. 😉 Happy Friday.

          3. HG Tudor says:

            Ha ha, HG does not do early bird dining – I am dining at 8pm but in which time zone?!

          4. MB says:

            A place that looks not very fun is where he is. But what do I know about fun places to visit anyway!

          5. NarcAngel says:

            You’ll only get crumbs (mixed with lint, as aging narcissists tend to accumulate in their pockets).

            Enjoy your evening and do tell Lizzie I said hello.

          6. HG Tudor says:

            Well the other person’s name does begin with L, so you were partially correct.

          7. MB says:

            I’m curious HG, what does dining with esteemed company have to do with NA’s escape from the dungeon treatment. (This time anyway!)

          8. HG Tudor says:

            Because I shall be well fuelled.

          9. MB says:

            What I’d give to be on your arm for that dinner and watch you work your magic!

          10. NarcAngel says:

            It’s no matter to me. I never looked good in white anyway.

          11. MB says:

            White NA?

          12. NarcAngel says:

            Meaning that I am familiar and comfortable being painted black and banished to the dungeon. Zero impact.

          13. MB says:

            Oh, I totally missed the whole point NA. Must be the ditzy dust working on me!

          14. MB says:

            I could never be comfortable being painted black, NA. Not that I could do anything about it!

          15. windstorm says:

            I’ve had narcs and codep family members and associates painting me black all my life. It is uncomfortable if I spend time thinking about it. My go-to response is to laugh out loud at them and just walk away. Granted these are usually women and no risk of physical danger. When it happens with men I go tell someone else what happened and laugh with them!

          16. MB says:

            WS, you’re such a strong and independent woman. You’re my hero!

            When people don’t like me, shun me, etc. It only reinforces and validates the feeling of unworthiness in me. As HG says, “it burns, it wounds”.

          17. windstorm says:

            I don’t know that it has anything to do with being a strong woman. Probably more because I am a very observant woman. I notice how many people think well of me, who respect me, as opposed to the few that think negative things about me. It seems illogical to give more credence to the few who think negatively than to the many who think positively.

            Also I can see and feel the insecurities and faults of other people. Often the people throwing dirt have glaring problems of their own that either keep them from seeing clearly or make them want to tear down others to make themselves feel better. It doesn’t make sense to trust what they say.

            Plus I’ve been studying and dissecting myself for many decades. I know myself inside and out – the good, the bad and the ugly. No one understands me better than I do, so why would I let their opinion or words really affect me one way or another?

            I have feelings of unworthiness, too. Sometimes they jump out at me and can be crippling. But I’ve determined that they are scars left over from my childhood. And like other scars, they’re on the outside. They may affect what others see, but they don’t affect who I am on the inside.

            When I was six, a girl moved into my school who had been in a house fire when she was three and had burn scars all over her body. You know how kids are, we all stared at her and expected her to be different from us, but she wasn’t. She was used to her scars and had accepted them and went on with her life just like the rest of us.

            I thought a lot about her and how she could be so normal, yet look so awful. My father explained that her scars were only on the outside. That inside she remained the same little girl she’d always been. I think I internalized this and it became a source of my strength to deal with the abuse and ugly comments I’ve had over the years. No matter what happens or what other people think, only I determine who I am on the inside.

          18. MB says:

            WS, you are beautiful inside and out! The story of the little girl with the burn scars is a beautiful reminder to us all about acceptance.

            I think I am the opposite of that little girl. I’m pretty sure my scars are on the inside. Outside I remain the same little girl I’ve always been. I look normal and act normal. What happens or what other people think, determine what I feel though. If they validate me in a positive way, it feels good and it gives me the power to push down my feelings of inadequacy. If they criticize me, I agree with them and feel weak and useless, not even worthy of the air that I breathe. I’m really not all that different than the narcissist. I put up a front so they don’t see what I’m really like. I won’t allow myself to be who I really am. I’m afraid they won’t like her and I can’t take that chance.

          19. windstorm says:

            It hurts me that you feel that way and that for whatever reason you are trapped into that thinking. I would just say to always remember that it’s the bottom line that counts. If you act like a good person and primarily do good things, then you are a good person – no matter what you have hidden inside. ❤️

          20. MB says:

            Don’t hurt for me Windstorm. Send me positive thoughts. I don’t know why I feel so ashamed and worthless inside and I don’t want to visit that. I just want to feel better. My shame is making itself known yesterday and today. I feel it like a punch in the gut. I just need it to pass before I disappear. Maybe I need an audience to applaud me or something. Ha ha. I need something on the outside to distract me from looking inside.

          21. windstorm says:

            I’m always sending you positive thought, MB. Never doubt it. Whenever you feel ashamed and worthless, think “my friends on Narcsite think I’m a great person. Windstorm’s sending me positive thoughts right now!” ❤️

          22. MB says:

            Thank you Windstorm. I treasure having you in my life. Meeting all the fine people here has been a beautiful, unintended consequence of finding HG’s work.

            Thankfully, my “episode” for lack of a better word has passed. I would take a long hard look at the events that led to its passing but I’m just so glad it’s gone. When I start contemplating the shame, it gets worse and for now, I’m free of it and I’m ok with that. The positive thoughts worked!

          23. windstorm says:

            That’s good! Just remember, I’m totally serious, I’m thinking about you and sending positive energy every day, throughout the day. ❤️

          24. MB says:

            I know you do Windstorm. A lot of people say it and don’t really mean it. Us empaths speak truth. If we say we are thinking of you and sending positive thoughts. We truly are! Keep it up. I can use all I can get. Need to build up my reserves so I can start giving it away again.

          25. Kim e says:

            MB. Hugs &Love are what I got for you

          26. MB says:

            Thank you Kim e! Right back atcha ❤️

          27. Twilight says:


            Your beautiful inside, I wish you didn’t feel as you do.
            That shame isn’t yours, nor the guilt.

          28. MB says:

            Thank you Twilight. From your comment to me over the weekend, I know without a doubt you are a contagion. You knew what I felt and I never said. That feeling did take hold. But thankfully it has passed again for now. It will be back as soon as it gets jabbed again. But for now, I’m back to comfort.

          29. windstorm says:

            As in painted white?

          30. MB says:

            Ahhh, straight jacket. I get it now. It was early for me.

          31. NarcAngel says:

            Haha. Have another coffee. A straight jacket is just my family coat of arms.

          32. MB says:

            NA, “coat of arms”. I see what you did there!

          33. MB says:

            I thought she was talking about the aging narcissist too!

            I’m actually a bit interested in that myself. I haven’t seen mine for 5 years. He won’t even send me pics. Now I see why! I googled and wished I hadn’t! Dear Lord! He doesn’t even look like the same man I saw last. 50-55 has been unkind to say the least.

          34. sighofrelieff says:

            Wow that’s interesting. I haven’t seen mine in 5 years either and he also will not send me any pics of him or show me. His social media doesn’t have any updated pictures either. He isn’t in the 50s but it would be interesting to see how 5 years has changed his looks. He knows exactly what I look like because I have sent him plenty of photos. Anyways. It’s funny…he says send more photos to me…but when I ask to see a photo of him now….he goes silent. Anyways I know I shouldn’t be talking to him and Im really not, that was just a short stint that has already ended and I am now on no contact. But yeah anyways.

          35. MB says:

            SOR, that is interesting. I get silence when I ask for pics too. Also, the asking for more pics of me.

          36. sighofrelieff says:

            Yes…that is beyond irritating 😠

          37. Anm says:

            MB, the aging of narcissism fascinates me because I have seen it unfold for better and worst. My daughters father is 15 years older than I am. His decompensation will occasionally remind me of early Alzheimer’s symptoms.
            My mother, not a Narcissist, but a Borderline, has drastically improved with age. Her behavior used to be so naively toxic, but she is more aware and laid back. We currently have the best relationship I have ever had with her. So disordered aging seems to be an interesting topic for me.
            You are right, I think around 50 is when you see them changing drastically

          38. MB says:

            Anm, I met him at age 49. I guess the best years were behind him by then. What a shame.

      2. HG Tudor says:

        There will be more on the subject.

      3. Alexissmith2016 says:

        HG, you don’t do early bird dining?

        Is this because you don’t want to miss happy hour at the dog and duck?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Ha ha, it is because I am too busy adjusting my fuel matrix over canapes in the Presidential Suite at my hotel.

      4. Bibi says:

        All food becomes poop anyway so it doesn’t matter when you eat it.

        You can always count on me to ruin the romance. To the dungeon I go!

      5. alexissmith2016 says:

        Hahahahaha awww you made me laugh a lot!

      6. mommypino says:

        Sending positive vibes to you MB. I think most of us with wounds from the past are susceptible to feelings like that. I just never forget to look up to the One who made me the way I am and loves every bit of me as His perfect masterpiece, including the imperfections that others or I can’t appreciate. It is hard to feel solid inside if we weren’t blessed with unconditional love during our formative years.

  6. Sarah says:

    True and very real to me. The ever presence of the “pause”.

    The N I was in a relationship with had excellent behavioural controls, was never violent as he would see this as beneath him, he was the master of the backhanded compliment but again it was not obvious because he was an expert at creating the ambience of caring connection and safety. He was well loved, well liked and charming.

    The affairs haunted me back then, but those wounds have healed. It was the words N uttered as I made my escape that left the lasting impression. “I resent you for doing this because I am not ready yet, but you should know the only time I will ever stop talking to you Sarah is when I die. I own you”. He had never spoken to me in this manner before. It was the first time I saw the real him, the blackness of his stare – his way of losing control.

    It is only years later having read so many books and connecting with narcsite that I understand the full meaning behind those words. The condition is lifelong for both of us now, there are options and controls available to me but the risk is ever present and always.

  7. Kim e says:

    HG. How many shelf ipss will a typical mrcn have?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      It varies, cerebral will have more Virtual Shelf IPSSs – thus it might range between 1-8 (most of those being virtual).

      1. Kim e says:

        When you say that the mrcn might range between 1-8 sipss most of them being virtual, can you elaborate on that please?
        Were they always virtual? Not quite sure how to have an ipss virtually.
        Also, is future faking used more by one school than the other?

        thank you

        1. HG Tudor says:

          A Virtual IPSS is one where there is sexting, mutual masturbation over Skype, dirty telephone calls, picture and video swapping – yes?
          Of that SIPPS matrix some will have been virtual and become proximate, some proximate and never virtual and some virtual and remain virtual.

          1. Kim e says:

            Thanks HG. Did not think a cerebral would be that into the whole sex thing but then again fuel is fuel.

      2. Renarde says:

        @Kim e

        Yes, this has resolved another tangle today I
        I’ve been having for a while. Virtual IPSS’s and the Cerebrals.

        Only a few days ago I was saying how the very worst sex I’d ever had came from a guy I’d perceived to be a Cerebral.

        Words are cheap. Cerebrals are smart. They also pretty much recoil from the act itself but they do like their blowies. Very much. So they talk a good game. In some cases a very good game. An almost near total lack of physical control is the give away.

        However, unlike the Elites and of course the Somatics, they have shunned the route of ‘practise makes perfect’. So they’re crap.
        Moreover, they know they’re crap. They just dont care as they’ll deploy other aspects of the lovesex manipulation. I.e I suffer from PE (oh, this will almost always be physically and not psycolocially based.) I was abused etc.

        An Empath at that point would pretty much instantly snap out of what, if any, reverie they were in and immediately come screaming to the rescue of ‘The Victim’. Not realising it for the monumental deflection it is.

        Number one hunting ground for virtual IPSS’s are kink sites such as Fet.

        1. Kim e says:

          Thanks for the reply. Not quite sure I want to know how you know all this but on the other hand want to know how you know all this……LOL

          If you could be so kind there is one statement you made that I am going to ask clarification on. You said”……So they talk a good game. In some cases a very good game. An almost near total lack of physical control is the give away”. What do you mean about the “lack of physical control?

          And also, wouldn’t kink sites and such produce tertiary ipss as they only see this person once?

          I am intrigued.


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