Should I Get In Touch With The Narcissist?

SHOULD I GET INTOUCH WITH THENARCISSIST?

 

The creation of anxiety and uncertainty are twin concerns which we engender in much of what we do. Both have the effect of stopping you from doing things, preventing you from analysing matters in an effective way and ultimately from helping yourself to escape our hold. One way of doing this is through the Prior Warning Silent Treatment. Now, it is our usual fashion, when applying a silent treatment not to tell you what we are doing. If it is a Present Silent Treatment, we remain in close proximity to you but we do not speak or respond to you. You soon realise that it is a silent treatment but you were not fore-warned. The Absent Silent Treatment is where we absent ourselves from your presence. We may just walk off, we may leave as expected but then stay away or we may just not turn up when expected and it often is a short while before you realise that you are being subjected to a silent treatment, you just think initially that you cannot contact us or we must be busy and it is only later that you realise we are giving you an  Absent Silent Treatment,

The Prior Warning Silent Treatment relies on telling you that we do not want you to contact us but it is still not immediately obvious that it is a silent treatment that is being meted out towards you. Consider these phrases, for instance: –

“I will be in meetings all day so don’t contact me.”

“I will be sleeping so don’t call me. I will call you when I am ready.”

“There is a poor signal in the area so I will be incommunicado for most of the trip.”

“I need some space for myself, so please don’t get in touch. I will ring you.”

“I have a lot to do today so don’t call or message me.”

They all seem like legitimate reasons for not being in touch for a period of time but when uttered by us what we are really telling you is,

“Time for a silent treatment and I wonder how long you can cope with it?”

 

The timing of this Prior Warning Silent Treatment is the key to recognising it. First of all, it is less likely that we will say the things above during the seduction unless they are actually true, but there will be a Comforting Caveat attached to the statement. Accordingly,

“I will be in meetings all day so don’t contact me, but I will pop out and give you a call when I get a chance, because you know how much I miss you.”

“I will be sleeping so don’t call me. I will call you about 8 o’clock. If you haven’t heard from me by then, do ring me.”

 

“There is a poor signal in the area so I will be incommunicado for most of the trip, so I will find a landline on which you can reach me and will let you know what it is as soon as I can. I wish you were coming with me. I hate being apart from you.”

 

“I have a lot to do today so don’t call or message me, until 1pm please unless of course it is an emergency, but I will message you when I can because I miss you.”

Notice how there is no talk of needing space. This is because we do not want space from you during the seduction, far from it. Indeed, we will reluctantly accept an enforced absence from you during seduction and if possible try to re-arrange appointments and the like to ensure we spend time with you.

The Prior Warning Silent Treatment is doled out during devaluation and when there are specific circumstances. We do this when we know that you have concerns that we are interested romantically in someone else, that we are spending time with someone else and our motives (and theirs) are unclear. In essence, when we are triangulating you (although you probably will not realise this is what is happening) we will issue the PWST. We do this because it enables us to wield power over you by telling you and controlling you in terms of whether are permitted to engage with us. It also means that you are told there will be a silence (although you won’t necessarily know that it is a silent treatment) from the beginning. We know this will cause you to wonder whether the silence is real and thus your anxiety will begin. You will feel uncertain about whether we really are non-contactable and whether we are doing something else. The problem is, we know you only have a suspicion and nothing concrete.

Accordingly, when you know we are apparently uncontactable you wonder who we are with and what we are doing. This makes you anxious. This provides us with fuel even though we do not witness it because we know how you will be feeling. We know that: –

You will be toying with messaging us to see if it is received

You will be toying with messaging us to see if it is read

You want to ring our mobile to see if it actually rings

You want to ring from a withheld number to see if we answer and if you can discern any background noises

You check our social media profile to see if there have been any updates there when we are supposedly unable to contact anyone.

You are torn between wanting to get rid of the anxiety and find out what is really going on and the risk of getting it wrong and upsetting us. You fear that we have an interest in someone else and we are actually spending time with them. If you do not do something, this time is unchallenged. This other person may not know about you but if you get in touch with us and make yourself known, then you are laying down a marker to the other person and possibly warning them away from us. You will also find evidence of us having lied which you will want to use against us. At this stage you have no desire to be rid of us. On the contrary the devaluation is such that you want things to work out and return to the golden period again, but you cannot stand this uncertainty. You wish you could make a decision but what if we have told the truth and you interrupt us in a meeting? Not only will we furious with you, we may well hold it against you in the future (you are damn right we will). But then again, if we are with someone else and perhaps we know that you suspect and you do nothing about it, we might think you do not care and do not want to fight to keep us? It is quite remarkable the effect uncertainty and anxiety can have on someone who is being made to feel steadily more and more insecure.

All the while we are drawing fuel from this. If we have told the truth, we gain fuel knowing you will be anxious. More likely it is a lie and we are either with someone else or just wanting to be away from you. In either instance more fuel is gathered and we exert our control over you by this Prior Warning Silent Treatment. You have the dilemma of whether you should contact us. What would you do?

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19 thoughts on “Should I Get In Touch With The Narcissist?”

  1. Wish I would have known this year’s ago. Pulling all this BS on me. The push and pull I thought I was losing my mind. Driving down I-95 heading north from Miami looking in the fast lane. On the side tied to a pole were some green trash bags. Neatly stacked was a pile of someone’s stuff. Where they and everyone could see it. I laughed and wished to God I would have thought of that.

  2. “But then again, if we are with someone else and perhaps we know that you suspect and you do nothing about it, we might think you do not care and do not want to fight to keep us? It is quite remarkable the effect uncertainty and anxiety can have on someone who is being made to feel steadily more and more insecure.”

    HG, I presume in that last sentence you refer to the uncertainty and anxiety felt by the narcissist? Not someone of your stature of course. Undoubtedly only lower echelon can feel such inferior feelings. You are full of confidence.

  3. I’m having withdrawals Mr Tudor. It’s been such a very long time. I holding strong and immersing myself in your work. I don’t miss him but he monopolizes my mind. How do I get him the F out!

  4. Omg I really was I. This kind of relationship for 9 years … than he left me for a new person when I figured it out slowly

  5. Hello, H.G.Tudor…
    I as a smart girl, and that this one has given me the experience, I would not call. I would try to get out of the way as soon as possible. and disappear, without leaving a trace.
    But since this assumption is not mentioned, I, who am so visceral, would have called him.
    And it is that, if you call bad and if you do not call bad.
    Bad for excess…
    Bad by default..
    Seeing how bad these two options are.
    I would opt for
    to leave a missed call. Well I don’t call him overwhelming him and I would always have the excuse that the number was dialed by mistake by my nephew playing with my phone, in case of fury…
    In the opposite case, the narcissist as he catches the day can take it as a positive fuel (interest on my part).
    My definitive option would be the Missed Call, it could even be that he called me to know the reason for this call and according to the tone of his voice so I would play my cards…

    Assumptions

    1 in case of fury : Sorry, your number was dialed by mistake …
    2 I called you because I miss you so much.

    And if all goes wrong, I still have an Ace up my sleeve. Since everything is possible, I would go crazy, denying everything.

    3. Me? What? What? Call you? When? Don’t I remember? I think you’re wrong!, I have no record?. It doesn’t make sense what you tell me…
    And this I would do, because the sentimental relationship with a narcissist, is crazy. And you know: “madness has no cure”.
    And to play the game we better play both …

  6. Hello, H.G.Tudor…
    I as a smart girl, who’s given it to me from experience wouldn’t call. And I got out of the way. I would disappear so she wouldn’t find me.
    But as this assumption is not mentioned and I who am so visceral I would have called him.
    And it is that if you call bad and if you do not call bad.
    Bad for excess
    Bad by default
    I can leave a missed call, I don’t even call him overwhelming him, and I would always have the excuse that it was a call by mistake in case of rage.
    Otherwise, you can always take it as an interest, and positive fuel because you may think I’m interested.
    Missed call, you may even call me to find out what’s going on or what’s going on. depending on the tone I would respond.

    I’m sorry if I frame myself or call you because I miss you…
    Today I would be crazy, because the relationship with a narcissist is a little crazy. And you know madness has no cure.

  7. Yeah this is so spot on. Makes me sick to my stomach. I definitely can tell when I was higher up on his radar vs. way lower. The times he would have to cancel plans with me but he would be overly apologetic and reschedule immediately.

    Then there were times he would cancel plans and be so fucking indifferent about it. There was no urge whatsoever to suddenly reschedule! Nothing! And the “sorries” were minimal, I think there was one and it was so contrived. And rescheduling was like pulling teeth. Non-committal, dismissive, evasive. As opposed to the other times where he was so apologetic and attentive like it was the end of the world.

    It was that behavior that at first I would try harder but then I just pushed myself away. Of course he would sense this and then reappear again with his attention. And back I would go. Repeat cycle. Ugh.

  8. They surely are as efficient in their Silent Treatments as they are in all of their other mind-games.

    They are the biggest children on the face of the earth… dear spoiled brats.

    1. Nika- Being Real… Confused
      They most certainly are efficient.

      HG Tudor
      DECEMBER 19, 2018 AT 16:49
      Creatures of total economy.

      1. K,

        If it is easier for you, it’s okay if you just write “Nika”. I just added the “Being Real… Confused”, so people will understand why sometimes I get mixed up. 😊 I tend to do things backwards.

  9. I am use to his bad-*ss Silent Treatment. It is a reply to me, in itself. It is saying, “No, I’d much rather sit here and suck my thumb, than respond to her.”

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