Never Again

NEVER AGAIN

I have lost count of the times that I have been told “never again”. I have heard it said by other people who have met my kind even more often. I am entirely relaxed when I hear this phrase because I know that although your intentions are to never go through that dance again with me or one of my kind, it will happen. We may be gone for some time but we will return and when we do we will resurrect all those wonderful memories as we seek to Hoover you back into our reality. The emotional attachment that we create is so great that even though you looked in the mirror every morning and mouthed “Never again” to yourself you will struggle to resist. You cannot help but wonder if this time it will be different. You do not want to say no for fear of someone else receiving our amazing and scintillating love. You want it. You learned the lessons and as the introspective empath that you are (as well as suitably conditioned by us) you will blame certain things on yourself. You will convince yourself, because you want to taste that mesmerising kiss once again, that we have changed and that this time it will be different. Why should someone else get to experience that wonderful love? That is not fair. You put up with the rough and the smooth. You have earned your stripes so it is only right that you get to have us again isn’t it? That is what you want. When we first departed and you saw (for we wanted you to see) that we had found someone new it ripped you apart. Notwithstanding the full horror of your dance with us you hated the fact that someone else now basked in our glorious light. You wanted to warn them not because you cared about that person but because you wanted us back. You wanted us to yourselves. You felt a sense of unfairness that she was now with us. You would lie awake wondering if I was saying the same things to her as I had said to you. You wondered how she would respond to that blazing, heavenly love that you once relished. Would I be the same for her as I was to you? You kept telling yourself that it was only a matter of time before she befell the same fate that you endured, yet the postings and pictures told a different story. You began to worry. Had I changed? Had I become a better person after you? Was she somehow able to please me in a way that you could not? You had to know. You had sworn never again but now you wanted me back. You wanted her to go away and free me to be yours again so that you could apply your learned lessons and everything would be wonderful again. She did not deserve me did she? But you did. You made such sacrifices. You opened your heart to me despite the daggers I drove into it. You served your time and you are entitled to your reward. Not this Jane-come-lately. You want to give us that chance to prove we can do it. You want to show you brought benign influence to bear. You want to prove that the beast can be brought to heel in the most compassionate manner. You might say never again but you do not truly mean it. Not in your heart of hearts.

By contrast when we say “Never again” we most definitely mean it. Never again will your life be the same after meeting us. Never again will you feel able to trust anybody after being subjected to our acid reign. Never again will you be able to smell certain scents, hear certain songs and see certain places without breaking down in tears. Never again will you love someone in the way that you loved us. Never again will you want somebody as much and in such an intense way as you wanted us. Never again will you be able to feel calm and relaxed since for too long you have been subjected to a heightened state of anxiety. Never again will you experience that euphoria you once had with us. So when you declare never again it is never truly meant, but what you fail to realise is just how many things will never again be the same for you.

9 thoughts on “Never Again

  1. CelsiusD says:

    I recognised so much in this post again. But I don’t agree with you last words, dear Tudor

    “(…) never be the same for you.”
    As you said in a previous comment, if love does make you feel that way (constantly being hurt, mislead in confusion, good energy misdirected in an unsatiable black hole), … if week after week, month after month, this is the only constant: the lack of compassion, the unwillingness to behave in a fair manner, the inabilty to take care of the precious little or huge very intense good things… if it is and remains “say as I say (not as I do).”, well, then it is not love. – you said… 😉

    I love my happiness actually. A lot.
    The lightness, the one I felt before him, the one actually so easy to reach w/o (t)his all swallowing, endless looped negativity…
    I love the variety of tones and vibes and thoughts, the diversity in and of quality of feelings and people and situation. And my tranquility of mind, the free space I can fill again with my walking the talk (or not! And be OK wirh that.)
    There is so much more than this, …sorry … narrow set of mind a N represents and tries to choreograph around him. It is his/her paranoia. Not mine, not ours.

    And it is paranoia.

    So yes, hopefully “things are never going be the “same””.

    (And I smile “saying” this.)

    I wish you could agree on this.

  2. Kellie Mccoey says:

    Please tell me that isn’t true. Please tell me it will get easier with time. What am I supposed to do?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      It will become easier, however you have to put in the work to achieve it, there is no magic pill. What are you supposed to do? Consult with me and I will give you the tools and motivation to achieve freedom.

      1. Kellie Mccoey says:

        Okay

  3. Leanne says:

    True. . My life may not be the same (as any big event in one’s history would do) but when I say “never again”, I mean it.
    With addiction- just say no.

    1. Cindy says:

      The more you educate yourself, the easier it will become to say ‘never again’, no matter how many times you backslide. This site is an excellent source of information.
      HG’s statements in the last paragraph of this article rang very true with me. We can save ourselves from the narcissist, but the price we pay is learning how to live a ‘new normal’. Good luck Kellie.

      1. Kellie Mccoey says:

        Thank you Cindy. I’ll need it.

  4. foolme1time says:

    This time HG I hope you are wrong. With the knowledge you have given us, whether it be through your books, consults, your blog, and yes even Instagram, we will be able to say never ever again and mean it. I know I can! Thank you HG Tudor!

  5. Leslie says:

    I yearn for the creation he presented to me, not the creature he truly is. I grieve the loss of someone who never existed.

    The man who stands before me, calling me shitty face, is not the one i agreed to spend my life with. That man became like the river mists, cold and without substance, then melted away in the clear light of day leaving this shapeshifting balhas.

    Un anum dokoya? Un ja asay chaghacha gim ba da gochheh ja ji ulay osum ba.

    From where did you come? You entered the garden of my heart and left your footprints on my soul.

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