The Errors of the Ignorant – No. 4
A series based on the comments made by people who fail to understand the true nature of narcissists and the narcissistic dynamic. Whilst these comments may be well-intentioned, they are incorrect, perpetuate misunderstandings and in many cases create false hope, dashed expectations and perilous outcomes.
It is often the case that a victim of our kind finds that the (unidentified) narcissist continues to keep in touch with them. As I have explained on many occasions, we will always look to hoover you whether it is post escape or post discard because there is the prospect of fuel and potentially the opportunity to draw you back into the Formal Relationship. Those hoovers are governed by the Hoover Triggers and also the Hoover Execution Criteria. If you are unaware of the nature of the person that you became entangled with, it is highly likely that you will keep triggering hoovers and the bar will be set low on the criteria, which means you will be regularly hoovered.
This may seem to somebody like we are just keeping in touch, wanting to see you, perhaps explain why things did not work out, organise to address outstanding issues. Those are the most likely views taken where the dynamic has been between narcissist and Intimate Partner Primary Source (“IPPS”). It does not end there however. In this dynamic, you will have been devalued and this will cause you to question certain behaviours that you have experienced and witnessed. If you are an Intimate Partner Secondary Source (Shelf or Dirty Secret) you may well not have experienced any devaluation and instead you are seen only at certain intervals, picked up and put down and we keep coming back to you, seeing you, sending you pleasant messages as we future fake and provide comfort crumbs. There is no ‘traditional’ malevolent behaviour towards you and yet you find yourself not elevated to a position of IPPS, so you find it strange that you are not referred to as the girlfriend or you do not meet our family and friends.
Whether you were the IPPS and you are now being repeatedly hoovered or you are the IPSS who keeps getting picked up and put down, these ongoing interactions can last for years. We have embedded you into our fuel matrix and whilst you may never return to the position of IPPS (or be crowned as such) you remain an appliance that we draw fuel from. This leaves you perplexed. We are intimate with you (or have been), we talk of future plans with you, appear to confide in you, yet there is not the sensation of being in that formal intimate relationship of partner, spouse, boyfriend or girlfriend. This leaves you puzzled as to what you mean to this person and why we keep engaging with you even though there appears to be no end game in sight.
Labouring under this situation you seek advice from a third party who listens to you explain the dynamic. They are likely to gloss over the devaluation (if you were once an IPPS) preferring not to get involved in conflict again and instead focus on what appears to be a more constructive interaction now as you are hoovered. Whether it is being hoovered or being placed on the shelf and removed from it, this advisor will deduce that our continued interest in you and our efforts to keep in touch with you (which may be strenuous at times – for instance tracking you down after you have moved) ) means that we are clearly interested in you and this should be regarded as ‘a good thing’.
No it is not.
The advisor is likely to suggest that because you clearly mean something to us that you should continue this engagement with us, perhaps look to increase it if we remain interested also (invariably you are) and therefore great things are on the horizon.
No they are not.
The only things you mean to us are in accordance with the Prime Aims (fuel, character traits and residual benefits).
This prolonged contact is born out of our need to secure these Prime Aims and keep you within our fuel matrix. We want to keep drawing fuel from you and we do this through the repeated hovering (even though we may never put the Formal Relationship of boyfriend and girlfriend back into place). We do this through taking you off the shelf and engaging with you as an IPSS and then putting you back there when we turn to somebody else. We will continue to do this for as long as we are able. Perhaps we will restore you to the position of IPPS following these hoovers or we might promote you from IPSS to IPPS and of course your continued engagement with us appears to have paid off. In the short terms yes, but ultimately that promotion or restoration is a poisoned one as your devaluation as IPPS will come about.
If there is no restoration or promotion you will be kept in this state of purgatory, never sure precisely what you are to us. You see us sometimes and then not on other occasions. You hear of us doing things with family but you may not be invited to join in. Certain social occasions are excluded from you also. You feel close to us because of the way we make you feel when we are with you but at the same time there feels like a gulf between us because we are not admitting you entirely into our lives. You may feel like the Other Woman or Man, you may feel like the Friend With Benefits, you may feel like the Secret Shag, you may feel like you are Permanently In Waiting and if it is this last one, you are correct. You are permanently in waiting as you are at our whim and pleasure. If we want to engage with you, we will, if we do not, we will not.
By convincing you that this elongated song and dance translates into you meaning something to us, your advisor has made an error of the ignorant. They have given you false hope that you are special to us, that we will make good on all those future fakes, on all those tempting promises and that those comfort crumbs will somehow gather together to make a Relationship Cake. They might, but it will not be to your taste in the end and more likely, they will not and five years later, ten years later, twenty years later you are still the one waiting for us to call and pick you up as you realise that your life has been placed on hold and all because you were made to think that this narcissistic behaviour of hoovering/shelfing denoted that you were special and you meant something to us.
If you recognise this behaviour in your dynamic with someone or that it is happening to someone else you know and care about, do not commit the error of the ignorant and enlighten them to the reality of what they are in and what awaits them.
19 thoughts on “The Errors of the Ignorant – No. 4”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
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I’m not in love
So don’t forget it
It’s just a silly phase I’m going through
And just because
I call you up
Don’t get me wrong, don’t think you’ve got it made
I’m not in love, no no, it’s because
I like to see you
But then again
That doesn’t mean you mean that much to me
So if I call you
Don’t make a fuss
Don’t tell your friends about the two of us
I’m not in love, no no, it’s because
I keep your picture
Upon the wall
It hides a nasty stain that’s lying there
So don’t you ask me
To give it back
I know you know it doesn’t mean that much to me
I’m not in love, no no, it’s because
Ooh you’ll wait a long time for me
Ooh you’ll wait a long time
Ooh you’ll wait a long time for me
Ooh you’ll wait a long time
I’m not in love
So don’t forget it
It’s just a silly phase I’m going through
And just because I call you up
Don’t get me wrong, don’t think you’ve got it made
I’m not in love
I’m not in love
Songwriters: Eric Stewart / Graham Gouldman
Big boys don’t cry.
This post is so important. It is relevant not just for the ‘relationship,’ such as it is/was. It is also relevant for the post-escape/discard hoovers. It is easy to think that the hoovers mean that you matter to the narc. But shelving and hoovering are two sides of the same coin! Revelation. Reminds me of the bag of sugar analogy awhile back. Coming off the shelf is a scoop. Hoovers are a crystal.
Such accuracy of observation and thinking….
The endless resurfacing and effort to stay in touch was a circular trap for me for many years. We want to feel like the ‘special’ one but alas, it is not so!
Hello, H.G. Tudor.
As you know, you are smarter than hunger…
And it is that when, you have us hooked, we will do everything that is in our hand or better said in our heart. And with this and this you play like naughty children.
In Spain there is a saying that say:”El que espera , desespera”: “He who waits despairs”.
Meaning: Alludes to SUFFERING suffered by those who live in uncertain hope of getting what they want. Lexical observations: Demuele means “wears out patience, bothers”. Observations: “Message that takes a long time, many men demolish” (Book of Good Love 712).
And is that you like to see the victim suffer in the background because with it you get PLACER (Power, Control, Fuel, Emotional attention). And I “without knowing how much I gave, only receiving mistreatment”, Paradoxes of life.
Correction and punctualization:
Paradoxes of life with a narcissist…
Yes, I had an advisor like this. Early on in the so-called Golden Period, I questioned my narc’s explanation about how he got a certain set of concert ticket (will not bore you with the details here.
I said to my male friend/advisor, “I think he’s lying about how he got those concert tickets.”
My advisor said, “Who cares how? It’s obvious he really likes you!”
I was ready to cut ties with the narc because I thought he was lying. Then advisor made me feel like I was taking things all too seriously.
I should have taken things all too seriously.
Brilliant
True. Thank you.
HG. How would a mrcn react to finding out he is being future faked by a sipss?
Is this even possible?
If you fail to deliver on something with regard to that school of narcissist, it will wound and you can expect to be punished. Most likely you will be castigated for your failure and then placed on the shelf, painted black. Of course you are far better served by imposing no contact than wondering what he will do to the apparent future faking.
Do you find it frustrating that you provide all of this valuable insider information, and there are still many of us that want to play with fire?
No. I give you the tools, you are adults – you decide what you want to do with your lives. I also understand why people make those wrong decisions but it doesn’t impact on me. My work is the best, it has helped hundreds of thousands of people already so far, but it’s a collaborative process. I provide you with the best tools to achieve freedom but if you do not wield them, well, that’s on you.
Well, in a way I feel like the tools aren’t JUST for freedom. The understanding of your way of thinking is also a helpful tool for those like me who seem contented with life on the shelf and such. A peek into the playbook, if you will. I don’t deny that it’s foolish, but at least I’m in an educated position on the shelf.
HG. I guess I should have asked the question different as I am not sure what I asked was future faking.
I asked him….”if I did this, …..how much notice would you require”.
I did not state I was going to do it but IF ….
Is this considered future faking?
No.
I believe this is one of the hardest to get through! You want to believe you are important to someone, anyone! So that being in this position whether a second or dirty secret you make yourself believe you are special to them. You start telling yourself things that aren’t true. Ex. We share secrets together that I know he wouldn’t share with anyone else. Or he is so very busy and works so hard and just does not have the time for us at the moment. He has told me to never underestimate how important I am to him! He wouldn’t say that if it weren’t true?! Depending on your vulnerability at the time, you will let yourself believe anything!! None of it is true! They only want your fuel. We are not important to them and never will be! The only narcissist you should ever believe is HG.
Damn right.
FM1T, preach it girl, preach!