How To Make The Narcissist Return

HOW TOMAKETHENARCISSISTRETURN

To bastardise a phrase, “How does your emotional thinking affect thee, let me count the ways?”

“I still love her and I always will, I miss her so much.”

“I know what he is, but I don’t care, I just have to be with him, there is no point otherwise.”

“I cannot stand to be without him. The pain is too much, so I would rather have the ups and downs than nothing at all.”

“I understand her now, so I can control the situation better so I will not be hurt. I can make this work.”

“Since I understand him, I can explain to him that I do and he will realise and everything will work out for the best.”

“All I need to do is work on pleasing her and asserting my boundaries and we can get through this, love conquers all.”

“I am better than her and he will soon realise what he has lost and he will come back to me, we are soul mates and meant to be.”

“They say if you let someone go and they come back then it is meant to be. That is what I must do ; let him go and ensure he returns to me.”

“I know he has hurt me but I have done some bad things as well, so if we are honest with one another we will sort things out, I only want him and nobody else.”

“I know he is bad for me, but well, it is so boring without him. Nobody else compares to him.”

“I don’t care if he hurts me, I love him and I know he really loves me and that is all that matters in the end. Love hurts sometimes you know.”

All of the above are the product of the fraudulent effect of emotional thinking and a thousand thousand further phrases besides. I have heard so many and read even more. I have no doubt you can think of similar utterances and proclamations.

So, if the bond is so tight and the pain so awful that you cannot bear to be without the narcissist, why not make him or her come back to you after they disengaged from you. They wanted you once, they seduced you and goodness, how did they seduce you! Those magical, mesmerising days of golden, beautiful, flawless perfection. If only you can return to them. How might you go about achieving this? What steps can you take to ensure that the narcissist returns to you and not only returns but stays? After all, you know they are a narcissist now, you understand why he or she operates as they do, you recognise the manipulations and you are confident that you can handle the narcissist so that not only are you not hurt but so that you do not lose them. You have gained the power through knowledge haven’t you? Now, all you need to do is cast that magic spell to make us come back to you. What can you do to guarantee the return of the narcissist to your arms, to your home, to your bed?

  • Provide that positive fuel. Provide the narcissist with that reminder of the glorious and potent fuel that once drew us to you. Let it gush and fountain from you, with your praise, love and admiration for us. Do not hide it under a bushel, let it appear in vast quantities and often. Drown us in your positive fuel.
  • Make those traits of yours which we expressed admiration for shine and appear prominently so we see what rewards await us by coupling with you once more, so we can claim those traits once again. Make sure that your achievements are noticeable – that promotion, that recent big client win, the articles printed in the press, the new followers for your work and so on.
  • Ensure that the residual benefits are available once again. Have that house open to us whenever we choose, make it clear that money is available, let us know that we have a house keeper who will cook, clean and care for us, let it be known that yours is ours, that your contacts are accessible to us for our use, that we can plug into your networks once again and attend those prestige events. Whatever those residual benefits are, make it evident that they are ours for the taking.
  • Demonstrate penance for everything bad that you have ever done. Make it clear you were at fault and that we were not, recognise your shortcomings and apply the suitable mea culpa mea maxima culpa so we know your contrition is genuine.
  • Remove any obstacles. If you have a new partner, ditch him or her. Drop the restraining order. Obviously destroy the no contact regime. There should be no fence, wall or barrier to our glorious return.
  • If we have been bad mouthed in anyway, make sure this is overturned. Ensure that family, friends and colleagues speak well of us, correct any ‘misunderstandings’ they may have acquired about us and create a fertile ground for the growth of our new and improved façade.
  • Look and be your best to cater for the relevant cadre of narcissist, be it somatic, cerebral, victim or elite. Ascertain which we are and cater to that by adjusting your appearance, behaviour, outlook etc to align with what we want.
  • Demonstrate subservience once again and your willingness to submit to our authority. Be strong to the world at large, if that is the way you are, but ensure we know that you will roll over and want your tummy tickled by us on our return.

Those are the key grounds which cover the various matters which you need to attend to if you are looking to make us return to you after you have been disengaged from so that your pain and misery is swept away and you can embrace the wonderful new Golden Period Mk 2.

Will those steps detailed above guarantee our return?

No.

You can never ever make us return.

Why?

This impossible outcome, much as you want and long for it, can never be guaranteed to happen for three reasons :-

  1. We are the controllers. We control, you are controlled. You do not tell us what to do, you do not make the decisions for us to obey, you do not bring about a situation because you want it, it happens if and because we want it. You may make the situation more appealing to us, granted, but even so there is never a guaranteed outcome. We must decide if we are to return. It is not even whenwe return, but if. It may never happen and if it happens it is only when we decide and on our terms. Not yours. You cannot compel us to these things. No matter how inviting you make it, no matter how much you place yourself on the sacrificial altar and declare that you will do anything and everything for us, it is not guaranteed to work because we must always have control and that means we must be the decision maker; and
  2. You do not know what else is occurring in our fuel matrix. No matter how well you tempt us with the creation of what you think is an inviting scenario, someone else in our fuel matrix may well be outshining you. If we have a new IPPS and we are in that golden period with them, there is NOTHING you can do to affect that. Our fuel needs may be met by a variety of appliances and therefore there is little need for you. You do not know the extent of our fuel matrix, how it is constituted, who is in it and what roles those people take. You do not know how much fuel is provided, how often and to what potency. You do not know how the character traits are supplied nor the residual benefits and because of this lack of knowledge, you can never have any guarantee that we will return to you.
  3. Our split thinking. If you are painted black, you are painted black and no matter what you do to try to shift that perception, you are not guaranteed to be able to do it. This means that you go can be superlative in your provision of fuel and all else but ultimately it will be scorned because your treachery (as seen by us) obscures and denigrates all that you do. You will remain black until we decide that you are white and whilst you might cause us to regard you as white because of something you do, you should note that

a. That still does not guarantee our return to you because of points 1 and 2 above ; and

b. Your turning white is usually as a consequence of someone else in our fuel matrix turning black and thus you have no control over that happening and when.

Furthermore, you may become painted white but you can soon become black very quickly and you have little control over how that happens.

How can you make the narcissist return to you?

You cannot.

You may want it to happen because you are being blinded by your emotional thinking. I understand that and you can tell me all the reasons why you want it to happen, how it will be different and so forth and I will shoot down each and every reason with ease.

You cannot make us return to you and one day, when the emotional thinking clears and logic prevails you will accept this and say

“I do not want the narcissist to return – because he is a narcissist.”

You will have then begun to seize the power.

40 thoughts on “How To Make The Narcissist Return

  1. Supernova DE says:

    Argh, forgot to follow.

  2. OMJ says:

    The most relevant thing for me has been that we have no control whatsoever over their fuel matrix and that there is always more than we think.

    I did all the things in the article 8 months ago. I thought I was almost there then I literally went crazy when I met one of his IPSS ( a Narc too) and I scrapped a few months of hard work trying to gain him back and went NC. That was my last rock bottom.

    I did finally went weak at my bday Hoover ( I thought I was so strong with my 3 bf) and since then I have no illusion I can beat him by staying in contact.

    I know one day I will go NC for good – like anything in my life there is a light bulb that will go on.

    With all the work here and with HG , now I can read the patterns and predict them most of the time and I keep some distance physically and emotionnally.

    My ET does ramp up once in awhile – generally he does something that kills it rapidely though because of the awareness.

    I keep coming back here – that is my lifeline – along with my projects .

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Your first paragraph demonstrates clear understanding and acceptance, well done.

      1. OMJ says:

        HG I would have gone a lot crazier and wild if you have not hold my hand at that point. You saw it coming and you had the right way to help me salvage myself and see through.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Indeed I did and you are welcome.

  3. wissh says:

    This was very helpful because it was relatable, and because when I got to your question, will that make you return, I already knew that I would never want to go back to him. Cliche but knowledge really is power, and I was educated here. I had no desire to do any of those things before reading that they didn’t matter anyway.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Good.

  4. Sara says:

    I have to smile as I read this. Today my 5 year old son was asking me to explain why Zara Larson was singing “I want you to ruin my life” on the radio repeatedly. Case in point of ET broadcast to the whole world.

    Unfortunately my son is too young to read the blog!! HG, you really should consider writing a children’s book! Granted you would need to simplify your artful words for every occasion and modify your pictorials, but I would have my money on you for a best seller.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      It is on the To Do List, thank you.

      1. Tappi Tikarrass says:

        I can help you with that.
        When you’re ready.
        All you need do is ask
        I’m sure there’ll be others happy to assist as well!

        Your army of one may need a recruit or two for this project!
        Relinquish some control? Hehehehehe
        We’ll see about that eh Tappi?!

    2. BetterwoNarc says:

      That song reminded me of a narcissistic relationship too.

    3. Tappi Tikarrass says:

      Now that is an excellent idea!
      One for teenagers as well HG…

      1. HG Tudor says:

        I may need some assistance with pitching it towards children and teenagers, they are not things I am hugely familiar with.

  5. marinathemermaid3 says:

    I would like to share with you all what I called “the experiment “.
    First background info. I had been in a long term relationship with a narc and I did my homework so I knew about the disorder.
    I went through a period of intense grief over the death of my sister, brother in law, and 4 cats(all seperate incidents!). I shut down socially and sexually for about 2 years.
    When I did regain my sex drive, I was starving! I began a sexual relationship with a guy who I flirted with on and off for years. He told me he wasn’t into monogamy, and I was totally ok with that, which really pissed him off! There was absolutely nothing romantic or emotional about our sex, but it was really hot! Kind of like angry sex. I soon became aware that he was a narcissist, and I mean classic text book stuff, not just a few traits. I knew I should immediately just go no contact, but I was cocky and the sex was so exciting that I decided as a psychological experiment (or so I told myself) to see if I could manipulate him into continuing our no strings attached sex (he had withdrawn once he realized he couldn’t make me jealous by talking about his many lovers). I decided to try my best to hang in there for 3 weeks only. Well, I didn’t even last a week! I tried over the top flattery: biggest penis, best technique, sexiest man I’ve ever met blah blah blah. I took whatever blame he doled out (lots of stuff that was completely fabricated) and apologized constantly. I remained calm when he stood me up, silent treatment, insults etc. Nope. Nothing worked. Either he saw through my attempts to manipulate him(I may have laid it on a bit thick with the flattery), or he just decided that he might get more fuel from me if he managed to piss me off.
    Well, he eventually really did piss me off so I went no contact. Next time I saw him (about 3 weeks later) he was furious.
    I learned my lesson.

    1. wounded says:

      Pardon my example. Let me rephrase – I’m curious about the reaction from a pesky mid ranger should such an interaction occur. I have no interest in manipulating the narcissist back but revenge of a sort comes to mind.

      Thank you for your swift response.

      1. HG Tudor says:

        What reaction, Wounded? I do not see the previous comment in the moderation pane so you will need to be specific.

      2. wounded says:

        I’m not having any luck with my train of thought. I’m asking what a UMR would do if a former victim entered into the first sphere and ignored the narcissist. I’m sure the reaction would depend on several things such as fuel matrix etc. I’m looking for generalities if possible.

  6. wounded says:

    HG, if a former victim made an appearance in your life, for instance walked into a coffee shop you frequent, and not only was happy but completely ignored you, how would you react?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      1. I do not frequent coffee shops – I think I may have visited them less than half a dozen times in my life.
      2. Nobody ignores me.

      1. MB says:

        Only Farquhar goes to coffee shops on Malice days!

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Ha ha, indeed.

  7. Bekah B says:

    I really like this article and I can attest that it is very true.. No matter the positive fuel, no matter the turning of the other cheek, no matter how much of the residual benefits you give…..no matter WHAT, you cannot make the narcissist return.. In fact, you cannot even keep the narcissist from devaluing you, no matter how good your behavior is and how much positive fuel you pump out.. I was much like HG’s Sophie, at one point in time.. I smiled, I kept my thoughts and opinions to myself, and I tried to rationalize how I was feeling when my narc hurt my feelings and convince myself that this is just the way it is and I need to get used to it.. Nothing….NOTHING stopped him from doing the terrible things he did to me and taking advantage of all of my resources.. So after a while of me trying to be perfect and still receiving the short end of the stick, I just flipped the script and started to “bite back”, so to speak.. My narc himself even admitted I was becoming a bit too bold in certain situations.. And I wouldn’t take back me becoming more independent and assertive within our dynamic for anything in the world.. Not even for him to come back.. 😉

    1. Mercy says:

      Bekah, good for you for biting back. You are right, no matter what we think we can handle, we are just not made to do it without emotion. Eventually they wear us down. Who wants to live like a doormat anyway? The pain of them staying in our lives is so much greater than the pain of leaving or devaluation. At least with them gone we have a chance to heal and be happy.

      1. Bekah B says:

        Absolutely.. Well said, Mercy..

    2. lisk says:

      In fact, you cannot even keep the narcissist from devaluing you, no matter how good your behavior is and how much positive fuel you pump out..

      Such an excellent point, Bekah B.

      Specifically, “no matter how good your behavior is” just triggered a flashback for me.

      I remember saying to him during a devaluation episode (in which I was manipulated to react aggressively, I am quite sure): “I don’t understand! I have been doing everything RIGHT. What the hell is going on here?”

      FINALLY, I know what the hell was going on.

      Thank you, HG, and fellow-narcsiters.

      1. Bekah B says:

        That concept is just so frustrating to me, though.. How, when you are doing everything right, is it that you are still not treated with respect and dignity? But I guess this is what it was like for the narc when growing up.. No matter what they did, they were pushed to do more and more.. Nothing was ever good enough to stave off reprimanding and criticism..

  8. lisk says:

    One thing I can say after reading this (and almost everything else HG writes): I have lost my taste for “love,” at least the sappy, demonstrative type of love. I am no longer a love devotee (or maybe I never really was one?).

    I think when two people love each other, they know it and they show it naturally. There’s none of the overkill of “the golden period.”

    Now I have to ask myself, “Why did I ever desire that overkill?”

    One thing on which I blame that desire is listening to too many silly love songs on the radio when I was a teenager.

    As an finally-growing-up adult, I’m going to stick with instrumental music from now on.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Fair observations.

    2. BetterwoNarc says:

      Maybe yoh desired the overkill because it felt so freaking good. For me it was like the highest high and made me do things I thought I would NEVER do, like engage in an affair. Because I thought my strong feelings must mean something. How foolish of me

      1. Supernova DE says:

        BetterwoNarc,
        “it was like the highest high”….um yea, I can totally relate to that. I’d never even flirted with another man until narc came along, but damn he made it so appealing and here I am more than three years later.
        Nothing has replaced that feeling since, not alcohol, not other men, not better sex with my husband, nothing. Nothing probably ever will.

        1. BetterwoNarc says:

          Yep, that’s my biggest fear. That I will never feel like that again. I’m only 6 months out.

    3. wounded says:

      I like what you mentioned about showing love naturally without the overkill. My music has changed drastically. I’m more drawn to classical now. More often I sense narcissism in too many songs and don’t feel the need to be mired in it.

    4. NarcAngel says:

      “Why did I ever desire that overkill?”

      Do you think it might be because the narc is telling us the things that we have always privately suspected about ourselves but that we are too ashamed to admit to thinking? That they confirm what we know to be true about ourselves (that we are beautiful, intelligent, delightful, etc) but that we are taught not to acknowledge about ourselves because it is unattractive and wrong to “blow your own horn”? Instead we compete. We try to look better, be younger, be smarter, have the biggest house, better car, be more successful at work so that people will notice us, validate that we are worthy, and say the things about us that we are forbidden to say about ourselves.

      That all gets expensive and exhausting, and then someone comes along and says all of those things for us. Validates and actual verbalizes all that we already believe and know to be true. They relieve us of the burden of wondering if others see in us what we see about ourselves. They know this and hold up a mirror. We do all the hard work and then we pay for the priviledge of hearing what we already know.

      It’s always nice to be acknowledged but shouldn’t it start with us? Given the price we pay in the end, isn’t it better to learn to appreciate those things about ourselves and be proud of them instead of looking for, and hoping that someone else will do it for us? They give us what we want and then when they want to extract their payment we recoil and vilify.

      We (unconsciously) look for a narcissist to give us what we want and need so that we don’t appear narcissistic. Ironic.

      1. Leanne says:

        Very valid point, NA. I’ve had similar observations

  9. W says:

    Add to the ET thinking list “now that I’ve devoured all of HG’s works, I can manipulate him so I get what I want and I won’t be affected emotionally by him” lol

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Correct.

    2. Supernova DE says:

      W,
      Been there done that also…and my response to myself is the same as yours —> LOL (laughing hysterically at myself thinking I could turn off my emotions).
      Live and learn, right?

  10. Jess says:

    Another very practical article. Truth.

  11. foolme1time says:

    My emotional thinking has gotten me in more trouble then anything else at any given time!! I actually sit here and argue with my logical and emotional self before I write a comment! 95% of the time my emotional thinking still comes out on top! 🤦🏼‍♀️ I’m such an empath!!!

    1. BetterwoNarc says:

      Me too! I am very logical, but I can’t seem to overshadow the emotional aspect.

Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.