The Weapon That Is Infidelity

THE WEAPONTHAT ISINFIDELITY

Infidelity is a given when you are ensnared by one of our kind. We know that it is not pleasant for you to think of us in the arms of another, conjoined in sexual congress as we do things with them that we have done with you and then we return to you. We know that infidelity is something that someone like you abhors. You have a strong moral compass, you behave in an honest and decent fashion and expect us to do the same. That will not happen. You place considerable belief in the question of trust and the concept of monogamy. Our infidelity will manifest in lots of different ways: –

  • Having sexual liaisons with third parties, some of whom will be strangers and others will be prospects who are looking to seduce;
  • Sending and receiving text messages of a sexual content;
  • Describing online what we want to do to someone and they to you;
  • Sexual liaisons with your friends and family members;

Although I know it is scant consolation to you since ultimately it is the breach of trust which causes you the greatest pain, we do not commit acts of infidelity because we want the sex. Admittedly, the physical sensation is enjoyable but that is not the reason we are repeatedly unfaithful. In terms of our attitudes to sex and especially sex with you, read Sex and the Narcissist. For the purposes of this publication it is sufficient to explain that when are unfaithful the sex is not the primary purpose. It is the fact that in your world sex is equated with love, affection and attraction and as a consequence it serves a purpose as a formidable weapon in our hands. We use it to seduce to we can additional fuel from third parties. We use it to seduce a new prospect who will provide us with fuel and will ultimately replace you. Initially we will be covert about our infidelity as we do not wish to damage having you as our primary source and therefore our need to obtain fuel from secondary sources through infidelity will remain covered up. Over time we will continue to use sex with other people as a means of gaining additional fuel but we will also be doing this to seduce your replacement. Eventually when we start our devaluation of you, we will be far less covert concerning our extra-marital affairs and often we will not care if you know or not. Indeed, we may even flaunt a mistress in front of you for the purposes of making you try harder and to provoke you so that you provide us with additional negative fuel.

Infidelity is not about the sex. It is about fuel. It is about control. Being unfaithful to you abuses your trust, it pours scorn on the vows we have taken and makes a mockery of you and what you stand for. It is abusive behaviour and to expect a narcissist to always be faithful is like expecting the tide to stop advancing when you tell it do so. It just will not happen. Infidelity is second nature to us because the weapon that is sex is just too good not to use to gain additional fuel. If there was another device that was so potent we would use it instead. The fact that sex feels enjoyable is just a matter of nerve endings and a pleasant side-effect. For us, sex is all about using it to further our aims; gathering fuel.

We will be unfaithful to you at some point. That is a guarantee. When we are first seducing you, we will be in the process of devaluing someone else leading to his or her discard. We most likely will have withdrawn sex from the victim who we are devaluing and be having sex with you as the new object of our seduction. This does not mean that since you are the apple of our eye we will be faithful to you. We will have intermittent sex with the person who is subjected to the devaluation either as a means of giving them a short golden period again or for the purposes of extracting further fuel by subjecting them to humiliating sexual activities. We will also be courting other prospects also as well as you and therefore there is a strong likelihood we will be bedding that person also. We will, when seducing you, maintain an image of fidelity since that is what you expect. If you are conducting an affair with us, we will assure you that our current partner (whom we are devaluing) never has sex with us, we sleep in separate beds and so on. We will bemoan the fact they never have sex with us in order to draw sympathy from you as the new prospect.

By contrast, we will triangulate you as the new prospect with our current partner. We will drop heavy hints that we are being unfaithful or even actively admit it in order to further the hurt. Our rationale behind this is that monogamy is for the little people and this does not include us. That would make us less special and we cannot have that. We are entitled to seek sex outside of a relationship because this is our inalienable right to enable us to obtain fuel. We feel no guilt in doing this, we do not respect any vows we may have given to remain faithful to you and we have no qualms about coupling with someone else. The reason for this is that we have to do it and in a perverse way, the only reflection on you is that you are not giving us the fuel we need. It is not a reaction to what you look like, what you do, who your friends are or what your interests might happen to be. We will of course use them, as a method of lashing out at you should you try and question us about our infidelity because as I have explained in Manipulated we will deploy blame shifting frequently when we are under attack. It is often the case that when a partner learns of the infidelity of their partner that they will scrutinise their own conduct.

“Is it something I have done?”

This means that you will examine your own behaviour and try to improve in some way because you will want to salvage our relationship. The fact of your addiction means you do not want to let us go. You will be mightily hurt and offended by our infidelity but you will try to find some way of fixing it because that is what you like to do. If our infidelity shows any risk of causing you to depart, we will hastily reinstate the golden period, as a Preventative Hoover, if you will, to stop you departing from us. Most of the time however, because of the way you are, you blame yourselves (often because we warp your way of thinking to do this) and you try to patch things over. Your need to resolve matters results in you clinging to us notwithstanding our fidelity. Indeed, in some instances you want to prove that you are better than the person we committed our infidelity with. You want to fight to retain us and ensure that our relationship triumphs.

We will also use infidelity as a means by which to control you and make you do what we want: –

“If you gave me more attention I would not go elsewhere.”

“If you put out more often I would not have to get it from someone else.”

“Perhaps if you hadn’t let yourself slide I wouldn’t stray would I?”

“If you thought more about me rather than yourself perhaps it would not have happened?”

“I won’t leave you, I should, but I will stay but some things are going to have to change.”

You are the victim. We have committed the transgression but other than when we fear you might leave us and sever our supply of fuel, we will not apologise but pin the blame on you. You will have been subjected to a succession of manipulation wiles in order to browbeat you and lower your resistance so that when we unveil our infidelity we use it as a method of getting what we want from you, namely more fuel and more control.

Infidelity is bad enough in the context of a “normal” relationship. With our kind it will always happen, it will always happen with many people and will do so repeatedly. It is a further black flag of abusive behaviour.

26 thoughts on “The Weapon That Is Infidelity

  1. Ashlee says:

    Deb are you talking about “You”? Hg, the Netflix show “You” is interesting because it’s told from the stalker (narc)’s perspective.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Noted, thank you.

      1. Bubbles 🍾 says:

        Dear Mr Tudor,
        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cKOhno0IMpA
        Luv Bubbles xx 😘

      2. Bubbles 🍾 says:

        Dear Mr Tudor,
        https://youtu.be/X4bF_quwNtw
        Luv Bubbles xx 😘

  2. Aurum says:

    I’m just going through this at present- and to be fair, I had so many red flags over the past year that we’ve been together- particularly the sudden switches from everything being harmonious to unbridled rage over the most ridiculous of things… the grandiosity, pomposity, the vitriolic verbal onslaughts, constant demands in terms of his expectations and utter refusal to address his own childish, erratic outbursts. He’s a high achiever, running his own successful company and as such I blamed much of it on work stresses.

    I was reaching my limit, however. So following yet another explosive outburst, I removed myself over the New Year for a bit of head space.

    When I returned (having moved in with him just four months ago), and after four days of no contact, he was quite conciliatory and we ended up sleeping together.

    The following morning, I noticed his phone lighting up at 7am. Instantly I knew something was amiss- I’d never had reason to suspect infidelity (because he was so busy) but it was Saturday morning and when you know, you just know. He cajoled me into going downstairs to make coffee (allowing him to attend to his phone). The next thing I knew, he was rushing out of the door for an ’emergency’. No explanation.

    It turned out that he’d been back in contact with his ex (fellow narc- Instagram ‘model’) whilst I was away, she was contacting him to come and rescue her from an alleged argument with her boyfriend after professing that she wanted him back. He returned, told me very matter of factly and proceeded to carry on with his day, laughing and joking as his family arrived half an hour later.

    Unbeknown to me, the smear operation against me was already in full effect. This was all my fault, for being lazy, for not doing anything, for not catering to his every whim.

    So I told him straight- she was welcome to him. No tears, no begging, pleading or drama- I even sat back as he tarted himself up to go and stay the night at her place- aftershave wafting through the entire house. I was instructed to pack up and move out.

    I told him I was glad I wouldn’t have to make polite excuses for his little limp d!ck anymore, that I’d found his recent weight gain rather off-putting and that generally speaking I found him a rather dull and tedious little business man.

    The true devastation this has caused, however, is another matter.

    Did I handle this correctly, in terms of not giving the satisfaction of betraying my true feelings? The swiftness and callousness of the discard is something else… utterly mindblowing. Like he just flicked a switch and… next!

    Meanwhile, I’m now going to be temporarily homeless until I can make alternate arrangements.

    Unreal!!

  3. Trocadero says:

    HG, are all womenizers narcs? I don’t know how to distinguish that,if there is sth to distinguish in the first place. I know people who are serial cheaters but very very good friends for example. It’s pretty confusing. Thanks for your insight on this.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      No, but most will be.

  4. Bubbles 🍾 says:

    Dearest NarcAngel,
    Haha….. juggling their balls 🏀 ⚽️ with lies …. that is very clever
    I really that 🤣
    Thank you beautiful, you always make me laugh
    Luv Bubbles xx 😘

  5. Liane says:

    How would the narcissist react if he finds out that his victim was unfaithful to him?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      See ‘Cheating on the Narcissist’.

  6. Blondie says:

    Quick question please HG. If the narcissist is that bit older and you know they are on medication and drinking alot most days. How will this effect their fuel matrix regarding intimacy and infidelty. I noticed last year the drinking and medication were having a big impact on his libido. I said nothing.any views please.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      This is an expansive question Blondie as I would need to know the type of narcissist and your place in the fuel matrix. An email consultation is the appropriate forum so I can be accurate for you.

      1. Blondie says:

        Ok thankyou.

  7. Leslie says:

    It’s about commitment….an expression of bonding.

    Or the extraordinary lack of commitment and inability to bond.

  8. lisk says:

    It’s a question of lust
    It’s a question of trust
    It’s a question of not letting
    What we’ve built up
    Crumble to dust
    It is all of these things and more
    That keep us together

    1. Sweetest Perfection says:

      Mmmm

  9. J.G says:

    Hello, H.G. Tudor.
    If I know this, I have experienced it too much.
    So more than the pleasure of sex, what you experience when you are unfaithful to other people is:
    Power by being able to do it.
    Control to use sex as punishment.
    Superiority by being able to do it when, as and with whomever you want.
    As a weapon to punish.
    As fuel you feel:
    Desired.
    Coveted
    Wing
    Ambitious,
    Longed for,
    Anxious,
    Like, the other person,
    Beloved,
    Alaggians ,
    Intended
    Wanted
    Envious,
    Attractors. etc etc.
    And by addition, an orgasm that never comes bad. But this if, as a plus added to the above exposed. But that this last one is not really important for the narcissist.
    Now I understand what Lorena Bobbitt did.

  10. J.G says:

    Hello, H.G. Tudor.
    If I know this, I have experienced it too much.
    So more than the pleasure of sex, what you experience when you are unfaithful to other people is:
    Power by being able to do it.
    Control to use sex as punishment.
    Superiority by being able to do it when, as and with whomever you want.
    As a weapon to punish.
    As fuel you feel:
    Desired.
    Coveted
    Wing
    Ambitious,
    Longed for,
    Anxious,
    Like the other person,
    Darlings,
    Winged ,
    Intended
    Envious,
    Attractors. etc etc.
    And by addition, an orgasm that never comes bad. But this if, as a plus added to the above exposed. But that this last one is not really important for the narcissist.
    Now I understand what Lorena Bobbitt did.

  11. Deb says:

    Hg, I was just watching a Netflix show about a stalker and it made me wonder if most stalkers are actually narcissists. About what percentage of stalkers would you say are also narcissists?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      All stalkers are narcissists or narcissistic.

      1. Bubbles 🍾 says:

        Dear Mr Tudor,
        I did not know all stalkers are narcissists or narcissistic
        The weasel surprised me many a time … he found out my routine
        Thank you for confirming it

        Regarding infidelity… the weasel forgot telling me in one breath he’d been faithful to his wife for 26 years and in the next breath he’d had intimate liaisons with women whilst deployed (still married to her)
        Oh yeah …he said he was also celibate for 7 years (even though he maintained he had a high sex drive apparently) when he returned from duty but at the same time having affairs…. 1 + 1 doesn’t seem to add up
        There always appeared to be someone lurking behind the scenes, for drinks or coffees or sex, yet we never saw or met any of them but aways heard his stories
        They don’t appear to know what their left or right hand is scratching
        Talk about the Bold and the Beautiful ..did you write it … haha
        Luv Bubbles 😘

        1. NarcAngel says:

          Bubbles
          Balls. The answer is their balls. Their left and right hand are scratching their balls while trying to keep all their lies in the air.

      2. Liane says:

        What’s the difference between a narcissist and a narcissistic?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          The former has no empathy, the latter has low empathy.

      3. NarcAngel says:

        Are you still considered a stalker if two people are out for a walk but only one is aware?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          No that is hypnosis.

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