Why the Narcissist Downgrades
“HG, I am decent-looking, have a good job, I am intelligent, caring, fun and interesting, I dress well, I am a dab hand at cooking and nobody has ever complained about my bedroom skills and he has left me for THAT! Why?!”
It is a refrain I have often heard.
Why, when the narcissist could have you, did he go and choose somebody who is clearly inferior to you in so many different ways?
What is so good about her or him?
Where have you gone wrong?
Why on earth has he chosen her over you?
Why has the narcissist downgraded?
This gives you the answer and it will not only help you understand, it will make you feel a whole lot better too.
45 thoughts on “Why the Narcissist Downgrades”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
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So how would you advise we move on? Find someone else? Will you then leave us alone? Or will you continue to smear further and more wildly? Would my moving on, be seen as a good thing/bad thing or cause more issues?? Do the increased accusations and quite horrific character destroying mean anything significant? I feel like I’m walking into traps to in some way incriminate myself as the wrong doer when deep down (or have proof) of lying etc.
I’ve long wondered if I was the Narc, but am repeatedly told this is not the case as I am reacting to a very insidious introverted, covert narc. How do you know? Sorry just having a moment and your post popped up at that moment.
Quite alright Lauren, those are expansive questions and they are best addressed through a consultation so I can help you as effectively as possible.
Tried to triangulate me with this unattractive gross woman. I wish I could have give him the middle finger salute. One on each hand. He is like a parasite in my head.
It is difficult to accept that the Golden Phase can never come back to what it once was, let alone, remain so. I suppose that knowing this fact is what enables me to “seize the power” more so than any other truth. It tells me that anything on my part, whatsoever, is only a waste of time if all I am hoping for is a return of this Golden Splendor.
It returns as part of a respite period but is nor as powerful nor as sustained as it once was.
Thank you, M. Tudor. I wish it could just be sustained, even if not as powerful. It would still be more thrilling and exciting than “normal” guys.
If only it could be sustained, I would do nearly anything… anything.
Yes but it is ultimately not to your benefit so you should reduce your ET and focus on logic to avoid our kind as early as possible before your window of evasion closes.
This would be the subject matter of my Consultation:
How to reduce ET;
How to focus on Logic;
Before Window of Evasion Closes (meaning, and steps to take if window has already closed).
Thank you for your extensive responses to me, today and yesterday. I am deeply appreciative. (And, a bit saddened that I cannot seem to make my way out of this Love/Loathe Vortex. I am desperately dizzy and still not strong enough, as I had hoped. I am trying so hard to conquer it… so, so, hard).
I can assist with those matters if you wish.
“…The problem is, you ain’t been loved like you should
What I got to give will sure enough do you good…”
Chaka Khan –
(But now, no earthly love will be good enough)…
Perhaps a consultation is in order, here…
That is your choice, all are always welcome to seek a consultation although there is no obligation to do so.
I understand.
HG, as a weopanized tudorite is it possible to enjoy the benefits of a golden period as an intimate partner, but escape unscathed (when we see it waning) since we are aware of the dynamic?
No.
Logic says get out, stay out (which means the same when you spot one of our kind at the start of the seduction). This is your window of evasion. If you think you can enjoy the benefits of the golden period and bale out on your terms, that is ET in itself and you are running a huge risk of ensnarement. Yes, some people might be able to get away with it, but they will be very few in number because if you succumb to the golden period its hold through your ET is very, very powerful.
Bummer…currently tempted to try it. But I shall endeavor to be good 🙂
Don’t do that SW, this is your ET corrupting your sense of pride to think you can do it, there is no need to do so.
Ok (SW brandishes shield from HG”s new line of merchandise…)
So, to be clear, libido falls under ET?
No, your ET corrupts your libido.
“your ET corrupts your libido”. Would you be willing to elaborate HG?
Certain of our kind provide spectacular sexual experiences. Your libido drives that need for sex, your emotional thinking basically says
“Feeling frisky are we? Why not give Mr Narc a nudge, he was superb in the sack, don’t worry about him being a narc, grab the sex and run, you’ve got this.”
It commandeers the sex drive as a means to try to cause you to engage with the narcissist to feed your innate addiction and once you do, the ET rises again and you enter dangerous territory.
Thank you for that libido trick explanation, HG. It’s almost like it was tailored just for me and my frisky Hoover triggers.
I see how that could be the case.
Oh and apologies! I should have said new line of appliance, not merchandise 🙂
And what if she is similar to what you have always been except now with all the ABUSE you gave profoundly neglected yourself and are just a shadow of who the new supply is. She is younger however 6yrs also has long hair is a divorced with grown up kid’s. I still have a young child.Has fake boobs which I have always wanted to have a lift and he said one day and even has had some work done to her face and body and is taller than I. He ticks the boxs of 99% of your articles.
I hace made it very difficult to my narc to Hoover and triangulate after scraping but we share the custody of a child (it’s not our son) and we still exchange documents and information. I do not write him, I only forward the information. He, on the contrary, explains things to me (in an attempt, I think, the get an answer). This guy has recently sent me 2 formularies filled in by two different (femenine) handwriting styles. He is so lazy he can’t even write himself! Or this could also be a premeditate movement to get his fuel? I think he is a mid-range. He was very outspoken about his way of reasoning as if it was normal…
I fear the day I’ll see my replacement and that feeling reinforce my need to stay totally NC.
He went on dating sites Immediately after my escape, and the lucky bastard found my doppelganger. and shes more successful ta boot. (but older ha) Now he really has it all. I hate it. Hes love bombing her now but i try to remember a zebra doesn’t change its strips. Part of me feels bad for her, but NOT really. Im very resentful of this seemingly easy replacement.
Starscape,
My ex did the same thing after I left him. How does he do it? When I left him, he was a whiny, weak, broken down, mean shadow of a person. Obviously he had to recover quickly to gain fuel. That prick found some lonely, oblivious, ok looking, younger woman. And she’s got money!
I am jealous because he just seems to skate through life. He’s always had someone to fall back on. While I’m left living check to check, trying to repair my credit rating, he is having a good old time sponging off the new appliance! I am angry and resentful because I can’t even bring myself to start trusting men again, so I’m not dating yet.
I’m even mad about the fact that when he does finally show his true colors and destroys her life; I don’t get to watch it happen because I’m NC. Isn’t that sick?!
my ex left me for a fugly midget…it was the only thing that would date a married man. of course she said he had to pay for 4000 per month bc he was a doctor and he could afford it. He was oh-so-happy to shell out the cash feeling like a big spender, and now i heard he cries the blue moon, he is divorced and has no money lives in an apartment and laments the life he used to live large when he was married to me in a big 10,000 square foot house with pool spa and tennis court . He is miserable but he cant leave bc she is ready to claim sexual harrassment #metoo! haha.. soon this 55 year old will get this fugly fat midget prego and he can get his midget son pedro. sounds diviine. I cant wait to hear all about how happy he is to be having an infant in his 1 bedroom aprtment he shares with his ugly girlfriend. and he is soooooooo happy i hear. haha. jokes on him, he left his perfect family, all his friends and family and he gets to hang out in chollo ville and eat his refired frijolis his baby mama gives me….FART FART FART all the way….and this is not emotional thinking this is the facts jack
Life is Certainly Not fair. We give and give.. we “try a little harder” We forgive and make excuses again and again..If you are truly NC, i envy you. I tell myself to remember how good it felt to escape. How it feels not to have to cower beneath his thumb. How i know what he is now. or should i say isn’t.. he didn’t love me and he doesn’t love her. He doesnt know how. Its all about him. It is only a game. Focus on you .. I know i know.. easier said than done..
Hello, H.G. Tudor.
Speaking of another subject. Here I was thinking about zero contact and narcissistic behavior when they leave us on the waiting shelf. Aren’t they exactly the same? I know very well the benefits of zero contact. But thinking about it coldly, that’s what you do in relation to the empathic when you discard it, because the relationship never ends definitively and you only apply zero/waiting contact on the shelf. Don’t we behave definitively when we apply zero contact like the narcissists themselves?
tricky tricky.. they are “waiting contact” .. we should be “no contact”…
Randomly, it came to my attention that my N is now involved with the mother of a child who was very violently murdered (by her then boyfriend) about 7 years ago. I’m pretty torn up about whether/if/how I should warn her…
J, I would definitely consult HG on this one. I think the guilt would eat me up if I stayed silent even knowing that if I said something it wouldn’t change anything.
He is not a relationship bulletin type, never posts pictures of his appliances since his ex-wife and never changes his status from “divorced.” However, through tagged photos, I was still able to see a girl he had dated a couple times in the past, and based on what I can see now, she’s back for a third round. I do know she’s “not a patch on me,” so I don’t care all that much about it. I wonder if she knows what he is. I wish this didn’t matter.
Stop looking at his social media.
Yes yes yes. Best thing ever.
I know 🙁 I really wish I could just block him everywhere, entirely.
Joanne, not looking is Sooo hard at first. It took me a long time to gain this self control. Once I got over the initial urge to check on him I realized I had better control on my emotional thinking. It seems like social media is designed to create triggers. Not only what they post but what time of day are they online, is he keeping his regular schedule, why has his activity changed, who’s the new girl that liked his post, why is he all of a sudden chummy with so and so???? I over analysed everything when in reality, who cares?
Once I stopped looking I didn’t have emotional triggers and it felt really good. I even kept him blocked when I failed the Hoovers. I knew social media was a tool to hurt me so I eliminated it. It gave me a sense of control.
Mercy, social media is awful! I am not NC and he’s not blocked anywhere (which is another story) but the visibility into their lives, their online frequency, new female friends, new PATTERNS of posts (used to be kid pictures, now it’s other random things that I can only assume are meant to draw certain attention) – all of it is so triggering. I guess it’s lucky for me that he has a really boring life, not like he’s jetsetting all over the world or whatever, but still.
We didn’t “end” on bad terms. I am on the shelf I guess and this is our only form of communication (liking/commenting on one another’s posts🙄). I thought I could handle going back to this after our brief affair but it’s driving me insane. I really just need to stop but I’m scared.
Joanne, I read another one of your comments on Stolen Love. I can see you are in alot of pain right now. It sucks bad but just know you’re not alone. We are all here because we’ve been through something similar. It does get easier over time and HG provides us with the tools for freedom of the pain. Just be diligent, keep reading, keep reaching out to other readers that you relate to and you will eventually notice the pain isn’t so bad, the fear is gone and your strength has returned.
Take care
Mercy, thank you so much for your comments. Yes, I’m in pain now but nothing compared to where I was 2 months ago. Before I began participating in the forum, I was listening to HG on YouTube every day. Little by little, things become more clear. It’s just so very hard to accept that a human being (that I’ve known almost forever) could behave in this manner, and that I fell for it. But it is comforting to know I’m not alone in this and that we’ve all had such similar experiences. I am so looking forward to the day when these feelings have gone and it’s all a distant memory!
Joanne that day will come. You are on the right path. I dont think we ever shake the impact that the abuse had on us but once the pain is gone and we get a grip on our emotional thinking that new scar make us a better version of ourselves. I’m recovering too and every day is better than the day before. We’ve got this!