The Asylum of the Grotesque

THEASYLUMOF THEGROTESQUE

“Why don’t you try to love me the way that I love you?” – Paula

“Perhaps if you just tried you could find a better way to something deeper and more substantial.” – Kate

“I know it is within you, it has to be, all you need is to embrace it and place your trust in me.” – Alex

“I know you flirt with all kinds of dirt, but beneath the sin, I know you want to love me like I love you.” – Karen

“If you let me I will show you how to love without condition or cruelty, it can be done by all of us. Just let me try.” – Caroline

I still hear these words from these women (and more besides) as I sit late at night in the large living room to the rear of my house. It is on the first floor and provides me with a commanding view of the fields to the rear of the property, the occasional copse breaking up the undulating countryside. I had two bedrooms knocked together and created this living room where I like to sit and look out across the view as the sun vanishes and the cool, calmness of the night arrives. The sky shifts from the medley of flaming oranges, reds and yellows to a soothing azure and then the darkness descends. Karen and I enjoyed sitting in the large elbow chairs that faced the window. Often we would say nothing as around us the lamps would switch on, a gentle click signifying their creation of a pool of light as the timer activated them one by one.

I will often leave the city behind and come out here so I can sit in this house which I regard as my castle and with a glass of Chablis in hand, watch the sky change colour. The occasional noise of a distant animal might be heard but largely there is silence. The enveloping stillness of a calm world until I hear their words. All of them meant what they said and did so with the best of their intentions. I know that because I could see it in their eyes. Whether it was the earnest green, the heart-felt hazel, the beseeching blue or the inspiring grey, I still see them as they tried to make me see a different way. They wanted me to change. They wanted to make me something else.

Now Karen no longer sits beside me, I rarely bring the girlfriends that I acquire out here. I prefer the solitude, only for a few days. I will periodically check my electronic devices and the winking displays, lists of messages and e-mails sustains me as so many seek my attention. Without Karen, I decide against having the lamps gently bloom and instead prefer the gathering darkness. It is here that I can sit and plan. It is in this quiet that I can marshal my resources, mark my targets and organise my machinations. It is also when I resist those pleas to become that which I regard as impossible to achieve. I prefer to walk amongst my trophies. I stride amidst the frozen tributes to my brilliance as I picture each and every of my conquests as if they are beautifully crafted statues each in a pose denoting my victory over them. There is Siobhan, on her knees looking up at me as she begs me not to go, her pretty features contorted by the pain she is experiencing. Paula sits at a table, her hands clamped over he mouth, her eyes wide with fear as she fights to say nothing, terrified that a word might slip from her lips. Becky dangles limply, the strings rising upwards attached to her hands, her feet, her head, her hips and other places. The broken puppet. Kate stands on tip toe, her face a mask of anguish as with one hand raised above her eyes she peers into the distance as if searching for something, an empty dog lead in her hand. I let my hands glide over the smooth stone that has captured their defeat and embodied it in an eternal stance. My fingers drift over open mouths, curled lips, tear-filled eyes and flared nostrils. I savour the misery, anger and dejection that has been injected into these statues. I regularly walk amongst them and it reminds me of my power, the hold that I have over these people who sought to change me but could only ever disappoint me. Why would I ever want to do what they would have me do? Why would I embrace their suggestions when I can create these monuments to my omnipotence? These masterpieces of misery always reinforce that I am destined to do this for this is what I do best. I am reassured, validated and comforted that my way is the right way when I take a stroll  in my asylum of the grotesque.

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110 Comments

  1. HG, Forgive my presumptuousness, but I must call BS.
    Your masterpieces of cruelty are far very from your greatest achievements. They may be exquisite examples of lack of empathy, cruelty and dark control/power (which delivers your most potent fuel, per your writings), but objectively, your work here (and I’m sure elsewhere given your intellect and abilities) is exponentially greater, just low in fuel production. When you share your insights you scatter millions of precious stones into the water of humanity that ripple ever onward through time endlessly. Talk about power and legacy!

    And I do hope you never hurt a dog or any other pet. If you have, please keep it to yourself and never do so again. Ever. Thank you for your consideration.

    Long live the new dynamic! My sword is drawn in defense of your ongoing willingness towards a positive shift in behavior and awareness. Here’s to hoping I never have to fall upon it.

    1. HG, I hope you understood my intent. My comment was not meant as a criticism or provocation. My apologies if it seemed so.

  2. Interesting update for you, HG, on “Medusa’s” dog, Luna..

    I asked my son last night if he missed Luna and he said, “Not really.”

    “But I thought you liked her? You spent money buying toys for her.”

    “Not a lot of money! I bought her one toy.”

    “But..?”

    “She was a bad dog. I’m glad she’s dead.”

    So, I am feeling bewildered, kind of like your statue.

    1. I think that Luna was desperate to get away from her hideous family and that may be the reason why she kept running away. She is in a better place now – without them.

      Also, I understand the meaning behind my son’s words, “she was a bad _____. I’m glad she’s dead.” I don’t like it, but do understand it.

  3. To be fair to HG I don’t think he has said at any time his new relationship is going to be different or that he has changed to a degree that his awareness will definitely alter things.
    Unless i’ve missed that somewhere, but I doubt it’s something he would say and actually post as This has happened and now it’s all different in any real way.
    He may be trying to manage the narcissism in a slightly different way due to knowledge he now has and I think it’s interesting for us that he’s sharing that with us.
    I don’t think awareness alone is the fix even if other types of narcs gained the awareness that HG has.
    It would be great if narcs could use narcissism for the things in life that it is useful for and not use it in situations that it is completely damaging and unnecessary but that same could be said for empathy used correctly and only when truly necessary.

      1. Thanks NA,
        Yes it’s interesting to watch this unfold with HG’s new ipps and see what happens , but whether HG will actually tell us if he starts his nonsense with her is a whole other matter.
        I’m not a religious person but God help this woman 😬
        Let’s hope in amongst this intelligence she’s got a secret degree in psychology , specialising in psychopaths or let’s hope HG behaves himself.
        I don’t know where this Sheildmaiden comes from maybe it’s meaningless and is a TV program or something but I hope it’s not her being some kind of saviour – because as we know
        She will Fail !!!
        The fact that he hasn’t done as much over the top seduction is a good thing and I wish him all the best, we all care about him and hope for the best.

    1. Oh how very intresting Bubbles! Because Bundy crossed my radar a day or so ago and I was trying to peg him.

      What do you think?

      X

    2. Zac Efron as Bundy? OMG. The film looks like shit but I will say he really looks like him.

      I have heard from women who knew Ted in real life that he was ‘addicting’ and ‘intoxicating’. Ann Rule said that Ted made her feel safe. He used to walk her out to her car at night.

      I would be curious in HG’s assessment of Ted. While violent and murderous, he was way too smart to be a Lesser. This man was exceedingly intelligent. He knew what he was.

      1. Dear Bibi,
        I would be very intrigued by Mr Tudors assessment as well
        I was amused at his comment “I’m more popular than Disneyworld”. haha
        There’s arrogance n conceit right there
        The movie has come at a good time with all the sexual deviants being exposed
        I agree he was very intelligent …. they all know the psychology of their victims ….thats whats disturbing
        Luv Bubbles xx 😘

  4. Hi HG,

    So interesting that you have a “Kate with a dog leash” statue..

    May I add my own personal Kate with a dog leash story? Indulging me, please? I actually have more than one Kate with a dog leash story..

    This story involves myself, Kate and a dog who I call “The Notorious R.I.T.A.” a.k.a. “Little Miss Rita”.

    I lived with an ex-boyfriend a few years ago and he had a dog named Rita. Rita and my ex lived in the Southern California canyons, where she was allowed to roam free while my ex was at work. All of the homeowners had dogs – all kinds of dogs. It was great! Half of the dogs were “on the leash” and the other half roamed free. Rita had several little doggie friends. One was named Luna. Luna was either all coyote or half coyote. Luna was NEVER on a leash. Rita was a wild thing, half black German Shepherd and half black Labrador – big and strong, plus goofy. She would NOT come to me, nor would she allow a leash. She was constantly in trouble with the neighbors. They would ask me when they saw her following me while walking those crazy hills, “Is that your dog?!!” , added by either, “your dog bit my dog” or “your dog keeps pooping in my yard” or “your dog teases my dog in his/her fenced-in yard”. There was also an interaction with a Park Ranger (another funny story).

    Anyway, one day a neighbor’s friend drove by me as I was just starting my car and the friend said to my neighbor, “Who’s dog is that? It just crossed the road and almost got hit by a car!” That was it. I called my ex and asked what to do. He spoke to her on the phone which stopped her, I walked up to her, grabbed her collar and led her inside. I kept her locked up until it was time to go for a walk, at which time I put that leash on her. I trained her not to cross the street by continuously taking her to almost the end, then turning her around and saying things to her that we don’t go any further – and locking her up inside again. So, she became accustomed to the leash. She became very excited for our walks. I eventually let her outside without the leash to give her back some of her freedom. She always stayed near home, protecting me, I guess. I would just call out from inside, “Rita, let’s go for a walk!” and she would whimper excitedly. Luna, her doggie friend would follow along with us sometimes.

    So, the end of this long story is that my son’s friend, “Medusa” has a dog in her parents’ house (where she lives). Their dog, Luna, was never trained properly and would repeatedly get away and run around. “Medusa” seemed to think this was funny. I call it irresponsible pet ownership. No surprise, Medusa’s dog, Luna got killed last week because she got hit by a car.

    “The Notorious R.I.T.A.” never got hit by a car and still lives!!

  5. Hi HG,
    You write about the “new dynamic” and you say that your relationship with this new woman has started without the “box of tricks” you previously used.

    For the last six months I have been reading a lot on relationship addiction, sex addiction, attachment styles, dismissive-avoidant attachment and narcissism, which brought me here on narcsite.

    I know you are not a sex addict. You are not addicted to sex, sex is merely a strategy you and most narcissists use to increase the outpour of positive and then (later on) negative fuel. You objectify people and your talks with the doctors may have helped you realize there are more ways to get your need for fuel met. And this new dynamic did not prevent this new woman’s becoming more and more fond of you.

    I remember your post about the first time you cheated on a girlfriend and how good that made you feel. Your narcissism and the resulting objectification explains your lack of empathy and unwillingness to be sexually exclusive. However, from what I learned about sex addiction is that all people who are “addicted to sex” objectify prospective sexual partners. Because of their increased sexual activity they see so many bodies and bodyparts and they develop an immunity to intimacy. If it hasn’t been before, it will become devoid of intimacy. Like a doctor that sees the body of his patient as a factory of flesh and blood, or an emotional factory.
    All treatments of sexual addiction include total abstinence of any sexual activity for a long time (more than a year), so no masturbation, no porn, no sexting, no intercourse. Eventually this will lead to a comeback of intimacy when sexual activities are resumed. Now, I know you said you don’t want the intimacy that comes with having sex.

    So, I was wondering to what extent you see this new woman as an object or appliance … compared to previous girlfriends?
    And it makes me wonder if being or becoming sexually intimate with this new woman would strip you of your possibly growing ability to see her as anything other than an object or appliance. Since your sex life is absolutely none of my business, I don’t expect a reply to that last concern of mine. You can take it as food for thought if you wish.

    1. Hello HB,

      There is no such thing as a sex addict full stop, so I agree I am not a sex addict. I have explained the role of sex in the book Sex and the Narcissist. Sex ‘addiction’ is a manifestation of narcissism.

      I appreciate your observations and thank you for sharing them.

  6. I’d just like to make a general comment on this idea that Narcissists in general are attractive and charismatic , this just simply isn’t true, they come in all shapes and sizes and all look completely different and certainly don’t all possess charisma, in some special way, almost as if they walk around enchanting people magically.
    They don’t all do massive impressive seductions or amazing sex skills.
    Some of them are complete unattractive twats just as some so called normal people are.

      1. Thanks Windstorm
        It’s just sometimes it can be portrayed as if we are all helpless under these spell binding attractive people or their infidelity is in some way expected due to them walking around and people just throwing themselves at them left right and centre due to this amazing magnetism , bloody ridiculous . Half the time it’s obvious pretty early on they are complete assholes and we cling on anyway.

    1. Lisa
      You’re right. If we all showed pics here of the ones we were involved with there would be a lot of grimaces and wtf!’s behind each others backs. Even some of the things that I’ve heard them say make me want to laugh until I vomit instead of swoon lol. They’re not magic no, and we don’t need to feed more into that illusion.

      Same on the flip side – i shake my head when I hear women say that their narcs newest installation is less attractive, less intelligent, less anything than them. Says who? Thats what someone was saying about them while they were with the narc and they would have argued that it wasn’t true.

      1. Yes NA, and why would a narcissist be with someone awful , surely there are always a line of beauties in the fuel matrix just waiting to be promoted to IPPS, not to mention that a narcissist can go and seduce a great beauty at any given time.
        This kind of bullshit also needs to be addressed.
        If women started having a bit more loyalty to each other instead of happily listening to men speaking badly about other women / girlfriends / wives and accommodating their infidelities it would make life a bit harder for narcs in this area. Let them stick to their web cams , porn, hookers and cyber sex.

        1. It is nothing to do with needing loyalty. It is all about being able to identify red flags and pay heed to them – knowledge melded with the reduction of emotional thinking. Do that and the philandering narcissist (male OR female) will be evaded by the potential victim.

          1. Yes i understand that HG but my point is that in all of these stories of cheating regarding narcissists or the evil ex’s we as women should be turned off by men who speak that way about other women and have some consideration for these women , put ourselves in these women’s shoes so to speak , would we want to be talked about that way , would we want our husbands / partners doing these things to us
            Hello …. Isn’t that called empathy

          2. Yes but the empathy is directed to the narcissist because he smears the real victim (the spouse) plays the victim (my wife abuses me/is psycho/just a friend now).

          3. Yes HG, but I now hear and see that very differently thanks to your teachings.
            I totally get your point that it’s not about loyalty to other women, we all know the post , Have you seen who he’s with etc.
            I fully understand that there will be cases when it’s a genuine WTF, but if people genuinely want to stop being victims they need to just start thinking differently because this also keeps people stuck , the comparisons of appliances , either prior, during or after the entanglement.
            It makes no difference who they are with.

          4. “the empathy is directed to the narcissist because he smears the real victim (the spouse) plays the victim (my wife abuses me/is psycho/just a friend now).”

            So true. An acquaintance calls his wife ‘The Authority’, the control freak who would not even let him spend time with friends without her permission. I see that as a red flag and I am almost sure he is a MMRN but other women have empathy for him.

      2. Well, many years ago I had a Lesser somatic ditch me for a fat chick who had no education, no career or ambition, could not spell, and held a criminal record. He wanted someone dumb, someone he could control and someone to bend to his whims.

        My ex bf who used to call me ‘pb’ married a girl who resembles me in face shape and hair color but is really fat.

        I could try to say she isn’t fat, but she is. Granted, I feel sorry for her more than anything. But likely she is clueless and their marriage has worked because she is willing to worship him. Where I was not.

      3. I agree. This is compersion. I’ve had it leveled at me before by a narc who was triangulating me with another woman.I was aware at the time, he may have been aware. I tend to think he was but it’s not relevant. Fact is, he tried to get me to argue why he should pick me over another submissive.

        Despite everything I knew from HG about ER, this one really did get under my skin and I properly spat the dummy. I am not better or worse than everyone else, neither superior nor inferior, I am just different. As we all are. His reaction was very telling though. he did not get angry with me or cross. He just lapped it up and kept on poking but I still didn’t waver and he KNEW I wanted him. He then comes back the next day and doesn’t apologise, know he commends me for my strength of character.

        I did mention a few days ago that I had come across (again) the profile of a woman who PN has attested to sleeping with. I mentioned that her education, her literacy was not good and she clearly had been in the wars herself. She was vulnerable. I would go further and say that my richer and more intelligent/educated/middle class father would be considered a catch for her. That therefore is a loaded statement on my behalf because it appears as if I am judging her. I am judging her; we all judge. Most of us keep our traps shut.

        So now I will judge and I will compare and I now place these women – my mum and this woman side by side. I have a choice, who do I help? Do I stand up for my mother? Do I stand up for the woman? Or do I stand up for both or neither?

        Well, there is no competition really. I AM judging and I choose to help the woman. That woman is not better than my mother (a LV) but she is a survivor of NPD abuse because she is clearly a CD. She’s MY ‘sister’. And all I need to do is send a short message with a link to this website attached. Thirty seconds work. Boom. Because that woman is either shelf or non shelf. What’s the betting she’s being interacted with right now given everything that’s going on in my life and the networks involved?

      1. Dear Lisa and Renarde,
        Do you know him tooo …. they all look the same 🤣
        I keep it as a friendly reminder 🤣
        Luv Bubbles xx 😘

  7. I dont know much about the scrapbook but i see it mentioned a lot. It sounds ominous but i got thinking about it and it reminds me of something my narc would bring up a lot thru the time weve been together. Everytime id send him pictures online hed tell me he set a file up to save them and would tell me the name he called it. I found this kind of tacky in a way and half wondered if he alluded to the fact there were other “files” and i was just another one of these said files. Basically an appliance. Dehumanizing and placing me and memories in a kind of box to store away. I also felt that maybe he anticipated the end someday of our relationship and wanted these momentos in place to look back on. A bit like a serial killer saves mementos to relive moments that they enjoyed.
    Basically he is aware he self sabatoges relationships and that they will end eventually.
    His file reference i found strange but i can see that maybe this was his version of a scrapbook. Its sad bc thatd means he accepts that no relationship will ever last and has begun saving aspects of it once it has just begun. Very sad.

      1. Hello Lori. You have asked me why I do not wish to find someone with whom I can have a mutually beneficial relationship……and that is a very good question.
        You are also correct when you say that the aging Narcissist doesn’t necessarily get ‘better’ with age…… they just become easier to handle.

        Lori, I think that the honest answer to your question is that my husband’s physical and mental health is deteriorating at such a rapid speed that I would despise myself if I left him now.
        His doctor has told me that my husband is literally living on borrowed time.

        But truth be told Lori…..it is more than just a sense of duty that I feel for my husband. I love him.
        I will try to explain. His mind is starting to fracture, and I am increasingly seeing the person he has managed to keep hidden for most of his adult life……..the horribly abused little boy that he once was.
        I am regularly seeing glimpses of that terrified child……..in many ways Lori I have almost become the mother that my husband never had…….I love him and take care of him and I hug him when he tells me he that feels scared to die.
        You see Lori, what is also dying is that monster inside of my husband. It seems to me that as my husband’s life is ebbing slowly away, that ‘Thing’ inside of him that has dominated him for his entire life and demanded a never ending supply of fuel is also dying.
        I can see it with my own eyes……..the ‘Creature’ is gradually becoming weaker as my husband’s body and mind are starting to fail him.

        Lately he has started telling me things about his life……..I believe that he has begun the process of unburdening himself to me, which is what many people do when they are near to the end of their lives.
        Lots of folks speak to their Priest or their Rabbi, but this is not an option for my husband because he does not believe in God, so I have sort of become his confessor.

        I personally DO believe in God, and I believe with all my heart that when the time comes [and it won’t be too long now], that in spite of my husband’s confirmed atheism, that God will receive him with open arms and heal his tortured soul. I truly do believe this.

        Lori, I hope that I have giving you some semblance of an explanation……I wish I could offer you more……but in many ways I am still struggling to comprehend it all myself.

    1. My ex husband kept a file of pics where he just had cropped pics of my head (um…yikes). Cropped everyone and everything else out. He also kept a file for when I said something that amused him. He called it “wendyisms” I was never allowed to see that file – which annoyed me to no end…grrrrrr

        1. That comment about the head is revolting HG, I do believe this is just a lesser and i don’t mean lesser narc, version of what is taken to the extreme with serial killers that cut off body parts or keep body parts or return to body parts or parts that are put in different areas etc .
          Doing this shit with scrapbooks , files or whatever is a version of this in terms of how their brains operate.

          1. You misunderstood. He cropped the head to go and photoshop it onto something else.

          2. No i get that HG, i’ve read sex and the narcissist , it’s like playing with body parts like with the scrapbooks

          3. Jolly Good ha ha
            Some have scrapbooks to play with, some statuettes, some digital ….
            trophies no doubt for smearing or blackmail or just looking at, and some have a head in their freezer.

          1. Indeed. This issue is taking on a new dimension from a dodgy photoshopped head on to a pornstar’s body or even a credible photoshop to applying video footage of a victim onto video footage of porn with the consequent problems for this person when it is uploaded to the internet.

  8. For some reason, I thought for a moment those (small) statues existed. From reading this, I understand these “trophies” are images in your mind, memories that fuel you, give you satisfaction and sense of power. The heartache of these women fed your ego. So the asylum of the grotesque is that part of your psyche. I know I am stating the obvious, it is just that, for some reason, I had some confusion regarding this part.

      1. Lucky girl?!
        You’re not paying attention to this site. At all. You deserve that smack in the face with a wet fish, IF it ever comes your way.

        So, H G. Do you still want me to write ‘Mr Tudor’s property’ on my inner thigh, with red lipstick?

        1. Yep, I knew this comment would come.
          I was kidding, Sarah.
          Funny, your question to HG seems a little flirty to me. Should I also give you a smack in the face with a wet fish?

  9. I’ve completely missed all of this , You have a new girlfriend HG ? So the one called Kim ? She’s now a statue ? Is that correct ?
    It’s interesting if this is your first new proper girlfriend since your awareness and i’m presuming therapy and the blog?
    I wonder if you can manage things differently , even if it doesn’t work out, it would be interesting to see what happens if you do make slight alterations in the way that you get fuel from your IPPS.
    Of course there’s always the strawberry ice cream dilemma , but i think most people feel this at some point in their relationship they just handle it differently by looking at the bigger picture.
    Will you give us details about any changes you may make in getting your fuel needs met ? I hope you’ve started off by NOT doing an over the top seduction golden period ?? I hope you just started it at a more steady pace ? Is that possible ?

    1. 1. Yes.
      2. Who?
      3. Not first proper girlfriend, I had one before, but the first following the awareness etc.
      4. We shall see.
      5. You will get updates – also see my Instagram page.

      1. Thank you HG for your replies
        I’m not on instagram maybe i need to join to follow you.
        Oh god not the statue debate again, I started this before , thinking they weren’t real, then apparently they are, but then I thought the hand was wax and someone else’s hairy legs , so i’m completely hopeless.
        I think to put this statuette thing to rest , your next profile pic should be of one of them , sculpted by your own fair hands of course.

        1. Get on IG Lisa. I just have this feeling that one fine day we will see a selfie taken by HG with the assistance of his long left arm of he and The Shieldmaiden.

          1. Yes MB, I will have to go on there but i don’t even really use FB apart from messenger, but I need to keep an eye on what HG is up to on there, i’ve missed the whole new romance that he’s having .

          2. I made an MB account on IG just to stalk HG! #tudorite #groupie #obsessedwithallthingshgtudor

  10. HG, given your age (guessing late 40s) don’t you think it’s all rather business as usual with regards to your new love interest? If you’re truly honest with yourself.

    You seem as high as a love struck schoolboy yet talk about a new dynamic. Your infatuation with this new women seems ridiculously out of proportion given the amount of other ‘The Ones’ you’ve obviously had in the past.

    You tell empaths to get their emotional thinking under control yet it is clear that your delusional thinking is just as bad if not worse (albeit I realise it is the disorder that is fuelling your delusion).

    Also, isn’t the point of your new understanding and therapy with the doctors to learn how to fuel yourself ultimately? There is no ‘the one.’ It’s no-ones job to fix, fuel or save you.

    Asked with all due respect to you and the good work you do x

    1. You are perfectly entitled to ask such a question.

      ‘I seem as high as a love struck schoolboy.’ – I understand you use this in a purely descriptive manner as opposed to a judgemental one, but consider what evidence supports such an assertion. You do not know me, you do not see me privately, yes you get glimpses through what I write in the comments and through Instagram (which I use to give followers more of a look into my daily doings whilst preserving my identity). I suspect it would be more accurate to state that I present as in good spirits, if you think it is higher than that, please do show me the evidence in support and I will look again.

      ‘you talk about a new dynamic’ – this is a fact. This is the first IPPS I have engaged with post my increased awareness through my work and the work with the good doctors. I have learned new things, I made some adjustments. I will not become something else, I will not be ‘cured’ but this is a new development so there is very much a new dynamic. Can my ‘lifted spirits’ also sit with this new dynamic? It is entirely possible, so let’s see what occurs.

      ‘infatuation’ – I agree that in the past there has been infatuation. On this occasion, again, what evidence do you have to support such an assertion (and you cannot rely on ‘you always start out infatuated’ because this is a different dynamic as explained, so where do you see this infatuation, I am interested in your observation in this regard. Might the usual infatuation be tempered (not eradicated though) by what I have learned? It is possible. Again, let us see what occurs.

      ‘your delusional thinking is just as bad’ – pleased provide evidence of anything I have stated which would be regarded as delusional and I shall reflect.

      ‘isn’t the point of your new understanding with the doctors to learn how to fuel yourself ultimately?’ – Actually, no it is not. I will always need fuel. This work is about raising awareness, understanding the drivers in my behaviour and making modifications to seek to avoid the injurious actions which have occurred towards intimate partners in the past. I cannot completely change, but there is potential for me to be ‘less bad’ in certain arenas. Again, will this happen? It is a possibility, so let’s see that occurs.

      Thank you for your question.

      1. I was wondering where the “comment” was that you alluded to earlier this morning. I’ve been looking and looking for it! Thank you for this insight and for sharing such deeply personal information.

      2. What you wrote HG about a new dynamic since learning new things and making adjustments sounds very hopeful thats all any of us can do is to improve and learn so thats great to hear!
        I have to say its nice seeing you happy in your posts. Not to say you werent before but you seem way more jovial and i really do wish you the best this time round!
        I know you hate the word hope and dont believe in it but i do and i have hope in your new relationship! :)

        1. Indeed but let me reinforce again that my dynamic is truly unique, people should not think this is achievable with their narcissist (I know you are not suggesting this CM but I wanted to use this as an opportunity to reinforce this point.
          Thank you for your kind wishes. As you know, I do not do happy, but with a ‘white’ view and plenty of potent positive fuel that impacts on how I operate and you have clearly observed it and described it as ‘jovial’ which is fair enough.

      3. HG, thank you for taking the time to respond.

        You are right, I do not know you but can only gauge what is happening from the information you give us and from being educated in narcissism – thanks to yourself.

        Okay, first off, referring to this person as The Shieldmaiden. Whether you call her this to her face or not is irrelevant. It is objectification. She’s already super human in your mind. Bring me my pedestal. You say she has a ‘brilliant intellect,’ ‘cleverer thank Dr O’ and that she is ‘breathtaking.’ And for yourself that ‘she adores me’ and that you are now ‘taken.’
        This is your new dynamic is it?
        Can’t you just be content that you’ve met someone you quite like. A new dynamic would be showing some kind of measured restraint in the golden period also. But as you point out, you could very well be showing restraint in your private interactions with her. We just don’t know. However, from the language you use it would appear … just appear, that you are bringing your A-Grade, false self to the table YET AGAIN!

        With regards to self fuel, you say you will always need fuel. Yes, unfortunately you probably will. My 87 year old father is still at it and it isn’t pleasant. To be truly groundbreaking would be to learn how to self fuel. How it’s done .. I don’t know.

        Finally, I note most of your readers wish you well with this latest girlfriend and I do too. However, I also wish all the women that have come before her well (and lets be honest, there’s been quite a few) most of whom were probably also brought up in narcissistic, abusive household but thankfully did not waste their lives abusing others …..and I wish your new friend well. Let’s hope if there is a disengagement in the future you do finally manage to show some restraint and she gets out relatively unscathed or at least, like most of us here, her eyes are finally opened to the truth.

        Best wishes to you and keep up the good work on the blog… work that is truly groundbreaking. Xx

        1. Thank you A383, a considered post and thank you for your observations. I would point out that I do not call The Shieldmaiden that to her face, I use her real name. I use it here and on other platforms to shield her identity and it is a complimentary term.

          She does have a brilliant intellect. How do I know – I have seen her qualifications besides ascertaining her intellect from conversation, discussions and the contents of her library. She is cleverer than Dr O on the basis of qualifications and achievements.
          She is breathtaking but I accept this is linked to description rather than some objective measure. She does adore me – she told me so and I can see she does by what she does.

          In fairness to you, and you acknowledge this, you do not know the totality of what is occurring privately in the interaction because I don’t have a camera following us around! Accordingly, I understand how you have formed this opinion but you have tempered it entirely fairly by recognising that it appears like the usual golden period behaviour but it may not be owing to you not being in full possession of the facts. I have exercised restraint in my engagement based on increased awareness and I have noticed that I have achieved the same outcome (namely the commencement of a formal relationship) but without having to utilise the full ‘box of tricks’. I also accept (from discussion with the good doctors) that there will be an element of ‘business as usual’ since whilst I have substantial awareness, it logically follows owing to my narcissism that there will be occasional blindspots – I still dislike admitting that and I have fought the doctors on that (there is an example of my ET vs logic clashing.) I appreciated your observations however as you delivered them in a constructive and considered manner. Thank you.

      4. I think this “new dynamic” is effecting people one of two ways

        1. giving them hope

        Or possibly

        2. Giving people the idea that the Narc maybe be happy with their replacement which induced the feeling of not being good enough (shame)

        1. 1. This is why I repeatedly explain that this is a unique (and as yet unconfirmed outcome) and since most people encounter Lesser and Mid Range they should remember that they do not know what they are and never will and thus will not change. Greater see no need for change if someone is entangled with that school.
          2. This is a common feleing Lori and not one that has arisen or been increased by the new dyanmic. It is a question I get asked a lot which is driven by emoitonal thinking and reduced self-esteem following the beasting by the narcissist.

        1. I do not feel any need to do so now, I have indicated many times previously this is incorrect and my fingers must be used for more important tasks such as pressing the button on this new ‘Soul Squeezer’ I had delivered this afternoon.

          1. I also thought you were probably in your late 40s I must say I did think your legs looked younger than late 40s.
            I remember reading Amanda -who as I recall was slightly younger than you- was crazy about Simon Le Bon. I know Duran Duran was very popular with young teenage girls in the beginning of the 80s.
            I guess you’re maybe five years younger then. Definitely not under 40.
            It also explains why you still see yourself as a young god.

      5. I see what you are saying HG. I wouldn’t say I really have those feelings. I know that Narcissism isn’t really curable and the only way for any possible slim chance of a cure would be through awareness which neither a mid or Lesser are capable of but I’m not sure people newer to this dynamics of Narcissism wouldn’t find hope in your new dynamic so my guess you wlll have to keep reiterating this over and over

          1. HG, yes you may have to repeat yourself. As you know and in fact, depend on, hope is not easily squashed. We “hope” like you “breathe”. I for one am very aware that yours is the only situation of its kind. I don’t want it to work out for the sake of the study of narcissism so much as I really want it to work out for you. That’s where my hope stems from. I couldn’t care any less for your other douchebag breathren.

  11. Although I do not like it to say, this one is not true anymore. I am persuaded that you helped a lot of women to understand narcissism and to handle their personal situation. That is what you do best now.
    You have found another kind of trophy now. Hopeful faces.

    And as far as I can see, you do not abuse it.

  12. This is the first time reading this and i question the idea of this so called power i find it flimsy for a few reasons. First off most targets have a chink in their armor and that is why they are targeted in the first place. Its not an even playing ground as well bc targets are usually empaths. Narcissists play by a totally different set of rules and have an advantage of not caring or being invested in others.
    Those statues are representative of a moment in time. What about the ones who moved on with their lives and escaped? Wheres the power in that? They became stronger and improved. Id say they hold the power bc they took their power back. The statues are only a moment in time of their weakness but its not the whole picture.
    The ability to upset someone, make them beg, see them cry, have them compete against another for love based on deciet and lies is not power. Thats nothing special and doesnt make a narcissist special. If i wanted to tomorrow i could put these tactics in place and start manipulating people but would it make me feel powerful? No it wouldnt thats nothing to take pride in. Its no special skill.

  13. Again the long stream of articles geared for fuel gathering. You explain in articulate detail about how you wreak your destruction. Now please describe the way out, not just physical removal of ourselves, but how to recognise these butterflies, crows, and lieutenants. How to dismantle or prevent a smear campaign. How to neutralise and negate the abhorrent infection in our lives.

  14. As always, a fascinating article Mr. Tudor. You have given me a glimpse of my husband’s younger self. The man he once was. Handsome, earning a LOT of money in his high powered job, and juggling his endless coterie of women.
    He sometimes tells me about his past relationships and what an eye opener it is.
    One example is a girl he lived with briefly. Apparently she didn’t like it that he stayed out all hours and went with other women so he told her she would have to go. The relationship was over.
    He told me that she went to pieces…..she cried for another chance…..she begged…..she pleaded. In my husband’s words, ‘she was a bit upset.’

    She asked him if she could stay at his place while she looked for a flat of her own and my husband told me that he agreed.
    She slept on the sofa and he proceeded to bring women back to his flat for sex……and one of the women was this girl’s best friend.
    Apparently the ‘Best Friend’ was not ‘Happy’ that he was allowing his ex to carry on living with him and she wanted him to throw the poor girl out on to the streets.
    But…..get this: My husband said that he told the ‘Best Friend’ that if she didn’t like it she could ‘F… off.’
    My husband seems to think that he behaved in a very noble manner.
    When I pointed out to him the cruelty of him bringing the discarded girlfriend’s BEST MATE back for casual sex, he got angry.

    Of course I know EXACTLY what he was doing. He wanted the discarded girlfriend gone as quickly as possible, so he did this by parading a string of women around his home, and no doubt the discarded girlfriend could also hear the sounds of sex coming from the bedroom.
    Not only did this speed up the process of getting rid of the discarded girlfriend, but this cruelty also gave my husband the fuel that every narcissist needs…..the devastation and heartbreak that the ex girlfriend was feeling was the oxygen that feeds that deep, empty void inside the Narcissist………that black hole where a soul should be.

    The ultimate slap in the face for the discarded girl was hearing the man she adored [my husband] and her FORMER best friend having rampant sex just metres away.
    Anyway, it seems to have worked. She was gone soon after.
    I asked my husband if he ever saw this heartbroken girl again and he said that she left town and no, he never saw her again.
    Just recently my husband mentioned this girl again…….he said to me, and I quote: ‘I treated that girl very badly didn’t I?’
    I just looked at him……he already knows the answer to that question.

    1. Laurie
      Says a lot about the women he brought back that stepped over her to get to his bedroom doesn’t it? I see some things haven’t changed as he’s still triangulating.

      1. Hello NarcAngel. Yes it does say a lot about those women…..but the strange thing about Narcissists is that they have a LOT of charisma and sex appeal. Put this together with good looks and a lot of money [which was my husband in his prime] and it is a lethal cocktail.
        And yes you are right…..he is still triangulating. He has a little ‘Harem’ of women on Facebook.
        I am currently watching the complete disintegration of the Narcissist in old age and ill health……which is my husband of 5 years. He is no longer a handsome young man with a high powered job. He is now in his 60s and has been told by our Doctor that he does not have many years left. His mind is also fracturing.
        It is a terrible and tragic thing to see.
        I suppose many people would say that Narcissists like my husband deserve everything bad thing that comes to them……..and maybe they are right.
        But what I see is a broken man who is still the horrifically abused little boy who was so terribly traumatized as a child that he became a monster.
        I know what you are going to say next…..that many people suffer horrendous abuse and they don’t become narcissists. True. Instead they become drug addicts, alcoholics or prostitutes.
        I guess you could say that Narcissism is simply another crutch that the abused child uses.
        I am sorry if I haven’t told you what you want to hear…..which is that I hate my husband and that I am glad he is suffering so terribly.
        The truth is that people with Cluster B disorders have already suffered more pain than any person should EVER have to go through.
        If my husband was still that handsome and charismatic young guy then no doubt I would have been cast aside for something ‘Better’ a long time ago.
        But he knows that he no longer has the health, looks or money to ‘Exchange’ me for something else.
        I love him………and if that makes me pathetic in your eyes then I can live with that.

        1. Laurie
          You have misjudged me. I am not the person who wants to hear that you hate your husband and are glad to see him suffering, or think that you are pathetic. In fact I pointed to the behaviour of the women stepping over others to get to him as no better. Also that some things never change despite their decline (such as triangulating) because that is innate. I understand your compassion. I also understand that it is not for everyone to undertake the view or role of caretaker that you have. It is a personal decision and if that is what you have accepted for yourself and have no issue with it, nor should anyone else.

    2. Hi laurie…how does your hubby treat you? Im sure his npd didnt go away. From what ive learned it usually evolves and gets worse unless some sort of intervention.
      What you shared reminds me of what happened to my nonnarc grandma. My grandpa went for a so called walk on the farm with her friend and she said she knows they went to have sex. When i was helping to look after her the last few months before she died she told me so much about her life and some of it shocked me. Her marriage was definitely not one built on mutual respect or even love.

      1. Hello Chihuamum. That’s an interesting question because what I have become is his ‘Mum’.
        He is now in his 60s, in very poor health and his mind is starting to fracture [I think that maybe he has the beginnings of Dementia].
        I have sort of become his mother figure.
        I take care of him and what I am witnessing is the total disintegration of the aging and ill Narcissist.

        It breaks my heart. Am I stupid to feel empathy and pity for a Narcissist? Maybe. Am I stupid to love him? Maybe.
        But I DO love him and I DO pity him.
        You see, there is something that I have discovered about a full blown Narcissist [which is what my husband is], and it is this; THEY HATE THEMSELVES.
        They despise themselves more than anyone else could ever hate them.
        They know that they are not normal, and when I say ‘Normal’ I mean that they are incapable of deep human emotions. They envy those who are able to feel love because they know that it is something that they can not feel……at least not in a deep sense…….but they wish that they COULD feel it.
        I suspect that deep down even Mr. Tudor wishes that he could feel genuine love, but I digress.

        Their feelings are childlike and selfish because at some point in their abusive childhood their emotional growth was stunted and they have to invent an all powerful ‘False Self.’
        Lately I have noticed that my husband’s mask is slipping and the ‘False Self’ is momentarily replaced by the the terrified and abused little boy and it is both sad and heartbreaking to watch.
        Basically, their stunted emotions are those of a child. Inside my husband is still that terribly abused 9 year old boy.
        His capacity for feeling love was destroyed along with his childhood.
        What remained was an empty void that nothing can ever fill…..except the fuel that the Narcissist gets from his victims.

        You ask how does he treat me? Well, he still rages and screams for hours on end but then we have a ‘Golden Phase’ where he knows he has gone too far and he is on his best behaviour.
        If he was still the handsome young guy that he once was, with the high powered job in the military and earning BIG bucks, then almost certainly I would have been ‘Replaced’ for ‘Something Better’ but he knows that he is now old, ill and hasn’t got many years left to live……he needs me.
        I am sure you are wondering what it is that I get out of this marriage to a disintegrating Narcissist………that’s a very good question.

        Mr. Tudor would perhaps say that I have low self esteem and that I am co-dependent…..and perhaps he would be correct.
        But here is the truth: I love my husband…….because I know that he was not born a monster…….evil people turned him in to one.

        I would like to tell you something about my husband. We live in the countryside and a couple of years ago we found an orphaned fox cub.
        My husband brought her home and cared for that cub like she was a child…….when she was old enough he set her free in to the wild.
        As we watched her go he had tears in his eyes.

        THAT is the reason that I love him……and when he dies, which won’t be too far in to the future, someone else will judge him.

        1. Laurie, thank you for sharing your story. I enjoyed it very much. It gives a perspective that we don’t usually get to see here. There is a special place in heaven for people like you.

      2. Hi laurie … ty so much for sharing and im glad i asked bc so much of what you wrote resonates with me.
        First off i get what youre saying bc this is the position im in. I know what my narc is and altho ive lost attraction for him and respect in a lot of ways i do care about him and love him. There are aspects of his personality i really enjoy and his companionship means a lot to me.
        I dont want to advocate staying in an abusive relationship but it is an individual choice and one thing ive learned thru all this is to never judge or at least keep an open mind bc nothings black and white in life. I guess there are many factors in regards to whether a person stays and keeps a narc in their lives. That being said life is a forever changing journey.
        I could never turn my back on the narc but the relationship has changed. My abuse has not been as severe and moreso covert. It really is an individual choice and one you have to accept consequences for bc they dont feel the same and can be unpredictable.
        You sound like a very caring person and i wish you all the best!

      3. I have an honest question Laurie. Why would you not want someone more capable of having a mutually beneficial relationship with?

        Does this man treat you well? Because from my experience and reading they aren’t cured in old age. They may have some of their symptoms lessen but In many cases they are worse.

  15. HG, Please provide background on the picture used for this article. I was thinking this post had a different picture previously. Thanks!

      1. Is this a photo of one of the actual statues? If so, for which individual?

        I am excited to learn that you have a new IPPS and wish you many happy and healthy times together.

        Thank you for helping me and so many others. 💕

        I will be subscribing to Instagram so I don’t miss out on future updates!

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