The narcissist in your life may have turned to you and said,
“You are the one true constant in my life,” or words to that effect. Of course, when this sentence was said to you with faux sincerity shining in our eyes it was intended as another love bomb that rained down on you from up on high. What we were actually doing was engaging in a rare moment of truth.
We require a constant in our lives for a variety of reasons. To begin with it is because when we are seducing you, you provide us with all that delicious positive fuel and we cannot get enough of it. You are shiny and sparkling and that fuel tastes so glorious. We want to be with you all of the time to drink deep of your fuel but also to ensure that you become addicted to us as we love bomb you. We want you constantly with us so that you are exposed all the time to our charm, our wit and our affection so that as we drink up your fuel, you become addicted to the euphoria you feel by being with someone so wonderful as us. We also want you constantly by our side to isolate you from anyone who may just have the knowledge and temerity to shatter the fantasy world that we have created so you wriggle free from our grip. After expending time and energy in trapping you and clamping our jaws around you, the last thing we want is for you to be able to escape us.
Inevitably you let us down and your supply of positive fuel lessens in quality and quantity. Your dereliction of duty means we must draw fuel from other appliances. A normal and healthy person might think that if a person tires of the other in the relationship one might look at ways of rekindling what first drew those people together. Well, you know what? We do that, only we do it in our skewed manner. We have no interest in working at the relationship, that requires too much effort. We will however rekindle the golden period in order to enable our vacillating between devaluing and idealising to have the maximum effect. You may also consider that if someone no longer has any interest in the other person in the relationship and especially if that person is looking elsewhere then he or she would do the decent thing and end the relationship and move on. Not us. We need you. You might question why that should be the case since if we are treating you so badly, why on earth would we want to remain with you? If we are committing acts of infidelity with other people, why do we remain in a relationship with you? The answer is because we need a constant appliance. You are that constant appliance. We have decided that you would supply us with delicious positive fuel and although you would let us down and reduce that supply, we could keep you around as we drew negative fuel from you. You are the mainstay. There is no logic to us in having a relationship then ending it and moving on to another person some time later. That would not provide us with enough fuel, nowhere near enough. We need someone who will always be there so that he or she:-
- Provides positive fuel to being with;
- Provides negative fuel thereafter;
- Represents a good return on our investment (we are not going to throw away such an asset that readily);
- As a constant enables us to use others in our manipulation to draw more fuel from the constant and the other people (triangulation, smear campaigns and so on)
53 thoughts on “Constant Companion”
The more time passes, and the more distanced I feel from the narcissist, the more I understand what actually happened. Last year when I started reading about narcissism, I just felt like an idiot for allowing someone to treat me like a disposable. Ignoring me, than contacting me again as if nothing happened. I used to think he did that because he really missed me, because he thought I was so very special, and because we had this deep, spiritual connection. Right. Of course, it was because he didn’t get enough fuel elsewhere, and he knew exacly what to do to pull me back in for another cycle. He never really gave me the chance to escape, he never wanted to really cut contact.
It’s nice that now I understand it’s very hard to recognise these manipulations when you’re not informed about narcissism, and that it doesn’t mean I was stupid.
The downside of understanding more about narcissism, is that I found out that there are many of them. I know a couple of angels with dirty faces. A few lessers. Some midrangers. In my family, too. 🤔 They’re everywhere!
Same experience here, Rachel.
I wonder if there are some who never, ever run out of the ability to furnish the Narcissist with fuel… EVER?
Yeah. Everyone who is an H.G. groupie! In my mind I call them the Tudorettes. They could even have their own matching outfits. Or maybe start a band! Of course H.G. would be the front man.
H.G. and the Tudorettes.😁
You seem to be a very angry mermaid! While the Tudorettes start a band, why don’t you swim to the North Sea, and help cleaning up the waters! Over 200 containers with plastic fell off the MSC Zoë, it’s a disaster. Dutch people, fish and all the other mermaids can use all the help. See you there? Thanks!
Marinathemermaid3, this is a fabulous idea. HG already holds the rockstar title. MB, SP and Lue are brushing up on their karaoke skills, they will make excellent back up singers. NA and can be the bodyguard, no one’s going to intimidate her. K can organize all of our events. Windstorm and Contagion can use their special powers to feel out the crowds mood. They will have to work closely with NA and warn her if they feel like there may be trouble. I will be happy to design our matching outfis (sorry no glitter MB) and on my downtime I’ll have NA’s back. 2SF will keep us nourished with a nice meal and hugs…if only we could get SMH and HG to stop debating objective standards vs subjective so we can get this show on the road…thanks for the idea little Mermaid. Anyone else want to join?
Haha. I’m in.
NA, I actually imagine you looking like one of my favorite female rock stars, Shirley Manson from the band Garbage.
Imagination is a wonderful thing.
Doh! I spelled Tudorites wrong.
Thank you for the laugh Mercy! There was a thread a while back where we talked about a cheerleading squad.
You asked who else is in. It should be noted that nobody is excluded here. The sign up sheet for The Tudorites is always up. We can’t get too many members. Spreading HGs work far and wide is the aim. The more we have, the farther the reach.
Absolutely MB, we all have something to offer!
No, thank you ☺️
Mercy, can I be the drummer? I’ve always fantasized about playing drums in a band. Now, we need a more badass name, that one sounds like cheerleading, which was exactly the intention I think. We should be called Narcissystem or something like that. And wear black outfits.
SP, heck yea you can be the drummer! I would agree to all black but only if we glam up with accessories. I like the name!
Great idea! Thanks for putting me watching the crowd. That way I can hide away out of sight. Very in keeping with my personality.
Windstorm, they say it’s the ones behind the scenes that make things happen. We’re in good hands!
Fantastic. It’s a deal. I will even wear glitter, why not?
Ha ha ha…count me in Mercy!
I guess a more valid observation would be why do you care ? It’s obvious that you do
M. Tudor 👹 & Tudorettes 💃 💃 💃
Bwahaha Mercy, I’m in but only if HG stops goading me with his logical fallacies and sloppy conceptualizations :).
That’s just your perspective SMH.
OK you win, but only because I have better things to do than to argue with you. As you yourself have said, arguments with a narc are never resolved.
Give me a T give me a U give me a D give me an O give me an R give me an E give me a T give me another T give me an E give me an S!
Where are the promised T-shirts, HG?
Print those t-shirts minions, damn you, print them!
(They are complaining that the potatos are getting soggy with the paint so they cannot do potato prints – always has to be about them doesn’t it, bloody minions.)
NA, in my imagination everyone here is sexy and fabulous, and in their late 20s-30s like HG (that was my last joke about age, promised).
Yes. All the regulars on this site who worship H.G. I call them the Tudorettes!
We’ve already long beat you to the punch by calling ourselves Todorites but thanks for the suggestion.
I think she maybe someone that has been here before stirring trouble of stormtroopers, HGs dogs, and lieutenants…..
She feels awfully familiar…..
By the way I am Twilight I decided it was time to embrace who and what I am throw that damn cloak in the fire and step into the light, go for the change!
I knew who you were but wasn’t sure the reason for the name change so I decided to use caution and not acknowledge it unless/until you did. Glad you’re feeling the change and that it feels a better fit for you!
I must go against the grain and proudly declare that I do not worship anyone, but God (even though I’m a sinner). To love someone is one thing, but to actually worship is another (unless it’s our partner in marriage).
Besides, “tudorettes” sounds like a disco group. You could all be called the “Sociopacifists”… perhaps.
We LIKE this, Marinathemermaid3. Thank you.
Seriously, you don’t want to see me in a cheerleaders outfit …. I’d look like an over glitterized aging drag queen with massive pom-poms
I’ll be the minion mascot … ..I can relate…. 🤣
Luv Bubbles 😘
Yes! The long time regulars on this site who worship H.G. The Tudorettes!
It is a big world, so I am sure there are those rare individuals, somewhere in the universe, who would be a perfect companion for a Fuel Addict, and would never run low of providing it in rich abundance. But, even then, I imagine the Narcissist would discover some minuscule fault that would be entirely intolerable.
My mid-ranger has said this to me exactly, that I am the only constant factor in his life.. Of course, this was said after he disengaged and needed to hoover me temporarily for residual benefits.. He has also expressed to me in our formal relationship that he knows he will always have me and that we he will never lose me.. Not necessarily that I won’t leave him, but specifically: he is not afraid to lose me because he knows he won’t.. I never understood the underlying meaning of that and thus have yet to interpret it as a good or bad thing..
Oh Bekah. You might still be with this guy but just know he doesn’t deserve you!
At this time, he has disengaged.. It’s been 3 months and one week.. He is out of state with his new IPPS, which I know, since she and I attended school together at one point in time.. I refer to him as “my narc” and “my mid-ranger”, simply because he is the father of my daughter and my unborn baby now.. I am 16 weeks pregnant.. 16 weeks run concurrent with the 3 months and one week since he’s been gone, so it is safe to conclude he abandoned me, while I am pregnant, and our daughter, to have his needs met by another source because he doesn’t want this child.. I do believe he meant to only give a correct devaluation for going against his wishes of me aborting the baby, but once he met this girl, he just completed disengaged to embed her as IPPS..
All of that is a description of our dynamic in “narcissist terminology”.. How do I really feel, based on my empathic and emotional nature? I feel like my baby’s father left me while I am pregnant for some other woman and that he is never coming back because he doesn’t care about me, our 2 yr old daughter, or this unborn baby.. My pregnancy has me stuck in a perpetual emotional state, because of all of the hormones and such.. And I’m just depressed, anxious, angry, jealous, and feeling like I’ve been abandoned and rejected, day in and day out.. This is one of the greatest emotional struggles of my life..
Dear Bekah B, I am extremely sorry to read your experience and can’t imagine the tremendous psychological and physical pain you’re going through. I know it’s hard to see it from this angle at this very moment, but if the narc wanted you to get rid of your child, you didn’t accept that and he abandoned you for another woman, I see this as a blessing in a long term. Imagine what kind of father and partner he would have been. I know you feel abandoned and rejected, because we see things from our emotions, but he doesn’t have those emotions, he just did what was more pragmatic for him. The new IPPS is just another tool. Please repeat this to yourself every day, you are not worse than her, you are actually luckier to having got rid of that evil being. Be strong and read HG’s books and posts, he helps you see things in real light without emotional attachments. And remember, narcs may disengage for a while, but empaths are the ones that have the power to remove them permanently from our lives. Meanwhile, we are here for you 😘😘😘
Thank you, sooo much, Sweetest Perfection for your kind words.. I will try to tell myself that every day.. It is extremely difficult to get in a place of logic and apply these things you have said, but I know with time one day I will get there.. And you’re absolutely right: I do feel I have the power to keep him out FOR GOOD.. And whenever, if ever, he tries to come back around, using our children as an excuse, he will be rebuffed because this is something I just can’t forgive..
This can go both ways also for the person ensnared. Altho a narcissist will use abuse and enjoys negative fuel a victim one who is codependant will stay bc they want that constant and are getting something from the relationship despite enduring abuse.
When i read this i see codependancy all over it on both parts.
Its true the healthy way is to end a relationship if its not working. The unhealthy way is to cling onto a relationship for security and benefits while abusing the other or enduring that abuse. That is dysfunctional.
What do you believe the co-dependent gets out of their abusive relationship with a narcissist, especially if it’s not any residual, tangible benefits? You have insight on the concept of co-dependency, but I’ve always struggled to determine exactly what the person who is being abused gets out of all the trouble they endure and why they decide to stay..
It’s called Intermediate Rewards. When the highs are very high, and lows are very low, the highs become addictive. This does not just happen in romantic relationships, it happens in cults, and even in some work environment. I just left a job where we did corporate finance. I had no prior experience, but I did extremely well. I was the Boss’s #1. On days I delivered, he made a huge fuss about me, lots of benefits; on days I didn’t deliver, he acted so disapointed in my work, acted almost embarrassed that he made a fuss about me yesterday. That type of environment is a mind game, and becomes very addictive. Codependents do not cling on to the abuse, they clinge on to the idea of the high moments.
Hi There Anm,
Thanks for clarifying that for me.. It seems it’s all a mind game that one can become addicted to playing.. That’s very scary, indeed..
Control, identity and self worth. A sense of being needed
Hi bekah…sorry this is delayed but anm is right about the intermittent reward and validation but to the core of the problem if you go deep its not that far off from a narcissists issue of needing validation from outside sources. Imo it starts from childhood where a psychological/emotional need was not met. I cant speak for others but with my own experience i rarely was built up or praised and there was upheavel due to my parents rocky marriage. There wasnt that stability. I needed that rock and feeling of security that wasnt there. As a result i developed anxiety issues. I also had low self esteem and it manifested into seeking validation from people similiar to my mother with npd. You seek what youre familiar with and look to resolve unfinished buried issues subconsciously or at least thats been my case.
My brother(golden child) got all the validation while i was gaslighted and made to feel i had no voice or what i had to say didnt matter. I now know thats bc im a reflection of my mother and she does not like herself. I exhibit qualities she does not respect.
As a result i chose a narc who i feel i can rely on to be there always and who i seek to gain validation from which are both false realities. He has intermittebtly rewarded me by creating a sense of being there bc he knows of my abandonment issues and has created that sense of reliability and he gives me validation by listening to whatever we talk about but on the flipside can be covertly abusive and has shelved me on and off emotionally and physically.
The intermittent reward is like a slot machine with each lever you are anticipating a win.
Thanks for sharing your experiences, Chihuahuamum.. That helps me to further understand what is lacking within the person that is co-dependent, but not necessarily narcissistic.. It all comes down to validation, I suppose.. And the concept of subconsciously being attracted to someone you seem to be familiar with and seek to resolve unfinished, buried issues is veerrryy interesting to ponder on.. Hmmm.. 🤔
Yes Chihuahuamum! You pull the lever over and over, but only get the validation when it suits them. When it doesn’t suit them, the abandonment hurts more than if you hadn’t pulled the lever at all. This is why HG advocates no contact even in situations where you are not in “imminent danger”. It’s time for me to stop pulling the lever and I know it.
-areas of the brain that is reasoning becomes less active
-activates bonding and intensifies the focus on the rejector
-shares the same pathways of physical pain
-triggers the emotions of being unsafe and/or defective
Silent treatments, ghosting, and showing no compassion, betrayal and blindsiding are things done
Why no contact is an important factor.
Rejecting another is a way of causing pain with out ever laying a hand on them.
Salmi slicing a moment here a moment there gradually becoming more intense as things progress until the grand finale of disengagement.
Everybody has had some layer placed upon them they learned in childhood. Those born and raised by a Cluster B the rejection was layered at a young age and then slowly develops shame within, guilt not being good enough, feelings and thought of not good enough to be loved.
Chihuahua mum, thanks for clarifying and expanding on that!
You seem to have a whole new awareness about yourself. Maybe this was always there but it seems to have awakened in you recently. I have had a similar experience. I feel like I have a whole new awareness. It’s like I can see things I didn’t see before in myself and others.