In Love With A Married Man
You think about me every day. You wait for those teasing and tempting text messages which come through repeatedly during the day and then dry up around 6pm when you know that I am home with her. Once in a while there might be a sudden text at 9pm telling you that she has popped in the bath and that I love you, I miss you and I hate being apart from you. The text also warns you against replying and therefore all you are able to do is touch the glowing screen and try to feel the sentiment behind these electronic messages of desire.
How you cherish that period around 5-30 pm when every day we speak on the ‘phone, just you and I. I am driving home from the office and I use the half an hour or so to regale you with my compliments and to issue those promises that perhaps one day I will be driving home to you. Whatever you are doing you always ensure that you are available and your ‘phone line is free in order to engage in this call. You now arrange social engagements to take place later or you remain at your workplace, ensconced in the office, appearing to be engaged in a business call, save that you smile far too much for something that is work-related. That half an hour of heaven when we talk as if we were properly together, making plans, discussing the things we like and dislike, planning the next time we can snatch some time to make love without being detected or laughing about what was discussed when we met for lunch.
You manage to arrange to have lunch with me at least once a week. We deliberately choose a place that neither is likely to be recognised in and we place ourselves around the corner and out of sight. Hands held beneath the table and then removed when the waiter nears us, just in case. Stolen kisses, lingering looks and promises, oh so many promises of the wonderful world that awaits us once I manage to free myself of the chains of my marriage.
You listen carefully and attentively, showing the empathy for which you were chosen as I make oblique references to my miserable home life. Each time you gently press for more information to enable you to understand what it is that I have to endure. What it is that I have to put up with and what it is that has driven me into your arms? I try not to say too much at first. I do not want our oh too brief times together to be spoiled by my tale of woe, but your sympathetic ear proves irresistible and I allow you to learn of the injustices that I suffer on a daily basis.
“We just do not get on any longer.”
“She lost interest in me sexually three years ago. I am amazed I have lasted this long.”
“Nothing I seem to do is good enough. No matter how hard I try, she always finds something to criticise.”
You listen and nod. I know you are desperate to weigh in and slide a knife between me and her and cut our bonds, but the decency that you are imbued with prevents you from doing so. You even suggest reasons why this state of affairs is as it is. You are kind, generous and understanding.
You thrill to my sudden calls out of the blue. You always answer after one ring, sometimes even less, thus denoting that your ‘phone is kept next to you at all times. Your voice always tells me how delighted you are to hear from me. When we meet your eyes, your kiss, your hugs and your spoken enthusiasm cause me to soar as I witness your devotion and desire.
You experience a surge of excitement when you are disturbed by a chime in the middle of the night and see that I have managed to issue another text to you.
I cannot get you out of my head and had to let you know. Don’t reply, I am in bed with her.
The delight that you experience at hearing from me when you expected not to is tempered by the knowledge that I am with her and not you.
The weekends are hardest as you often tell me. I can tell you want to say more but I know you are fearful of pushing me away by being too demanding. I text you when I can and even managed to call you, speaking in hushed tones from a toilet cubicle or a changing room in a department store, stifling my laugh that I have pretended to try on some clothes just so I can call you.
I keep you hooked though. I know how much you want me. I know you love me and I know you want me to be loved, to take me away from the misery of my marriage. I promise you that one day we will be together. Now is not the time, it isn’t quite right at the moment, there’s a family event coming up and it wouldn’t be sensible to drop such a bombshell with that on the horizon, there is a family holiday she booked it and I didn’t know until now but what can I do? I will have to go. I keep the promises coming and the excuses flowing and still you hang on.
I know you wonder why I keep my ‘phone close to me. You haven’t said anything yet but I am not stupid. I can see the suspicion in your eyes when I wake and immediately check my mobile.
“I am waiting for an important e-mail that may have come in from the States overnight,” I explain and issue a disarming smile. You nod. You seem to accept the explanation.
You have complained how you are unable to ever get me on my ‘phone when you ring when I am on my way home. How many times have you left messages asking me to pick up some milk or to collect one of our children from swimming or football only for me to pick the message up too late?
“I need to be available for my clients. They don’t know I am driving home nor do they care; they need to speak to me. After all, if it wasn’t for them we wouldn’t have this would we?” I explain pleasantly sweeping an expansive arm at the large house and expensive furnishings all around us. You nod in acceptance. You understand my work is important. I tell you often enough that it is.
“I wish you would meet me for lunch when I come into town,” you say every week or so. I kiss your forehead and tell you that I wish that I had the time to enjoy lunch with the woman I love but it is a sandwich and a bottle of fizzy water at my desk for me. There are targets to hit. You nod in understanding and tell me that I work too hard. I thank you and my mind drifts to what I will eat in that Thai restaurant I will be having lunch in tomorrow.
“I wish they would leave you alone,” you sigh when I turn away from you in bed after having made love to you. Your hand lingers on my back, wanting to maintain the closeness and the connection as I attend to my ‘phone on the night stand and issue a late night text before placing it face down.
“I know but it saves waking up to a problem,” I say before turning back to you and kissing you as we nestle in our marital bed.
I know you cherish our weekends together when the demands of the working week intrude less on our domestic life. I can sense you looking at me as I sit, phone in hand, a smile of contentment playing across those lips but nowhere near as wide as the smile inside of me as I fire off a tempting and teasing message.
“Just seeing if Dan is available for squash next week. Tuesday night, so I will be back late,” I say across the room by way of explanation, opening up a gap in the week for someone other than you. You smile and nod and return to your book.
“I love you,” I say suddenly and you look up, the devotion and desire burning in your eyes and it seems so familiar almost making me say something, but the thought passes and I wallow in the admiration and love that you send towards me. You have never ceased to do that.
You do not know about her.
She thinks she knows all about you.
Neither of you really know what I am.
18 thoughts on “In Love With A Married Man”
Adele, your comment made me laugh and cringe all at the same time. Ah yes, those were the days when I thought I was in invincible. I’ve been damn near every ‘S’ in the book to the same man, sometimes at the same time! DLS is no picnic, unless you’re another narcissist. I would argue that it can be one of the most dangerous positions because of the elongated golden period that is really only more time to get you fully addicted and blinded. You never get the intense devalue like the others, but rather snippets that leave more to interpretation. And I had no problem dishing it right back at him, which only challenged him and heightened his interest. I was independent and sassy, so I fooled myself into thinking it worked just fine for my lifestyle – best of all worlds. Great sex, great intellectual debates, a trip here and there, some nice gifts…
At least the extreme devalue can serve as a warning for some. Mine was never really “mean” to me outright so it took me a long time to see the abuse. My fuel was apparently so great, I was nearly promoted all the way to IPPS before my survival instincts kicked in and I planned my first of many attempted escapes. It left us both baffled that when I was finally to be made queen and get everything I always wanted after so many years, something within me railed against it. I would find out later this was survival instint.
Yes, the sex/affection/adoration is better than any drug I’ve ever encountered, and I have had some good stuff. And just like any substance addiction, it will end up turning you into a slave, your mind to mush, make you insane and can even kill you. For the record, my walk on the wild side made me think I was even more invincible because I was fortunate never to get addicted to any actual substances. My drug of choice was apparently love, and I never saw it coming when I fooled myself into thinking it was just more dabbling.
Every addict tells themself they can handle it in the beginning. Every. Single. One. But there’s always a voice in your head warning you even if you choose to ignore it. Make no mistake, any relationship with a narccisist IS an addiction that WILL eventually catch up to you if you stay entangled too long. How long is too long? Well, let’s just say I will never risk finding out again. I’ve survived other things in my life that would have made others lose their minds, including the loss of a child. But nothing came so close to driving me to insanity as that relationship. If you’re inclined to ever be the untouchable badass, just don’t. Take it from me. DLS is not a safe position.
Thank you again for allowing insight into this ‘special’ dance from your experience. It is a touchy topic for many people who have shared a similar role ‘in the shadows’. I understand your thoughts and feelings and can relate to many, many points you made with regard to the dynamic and the tragic and dangerous delusion that lies in the conviction of being “untouchable”. Thank you for ‘stepping out’ and being so open and honest about it.
I am very sorry that you had to endure such loss in your life. That is beyond comprehension.
the sad truth of some peoples reality
So, here’s the thing that I don’t understand about women who are in this type of relationship. Do they not getting being in the “dirty little secret” position is the absolute best? And that, if you can think logically and not be jealous, that allowing your narc to have other woman only serves to strengthen you as a source of fuel?
Maybe it’s just me, but this is the best position to be in. It means you always give great fuel, you get a steady source of your narc’s admiration, and you never have to have the burden placed that leads to discarding.
It’s great! I mean, at least to me, it is. I’d do whatever it takes to be in this position if I had a narc that great in bed. Why would I waste that by being jealous?
I understand your point and if one was forced to choose to a place in the Fuel Matrix, the DLS would probably rank as the least worst (I will not write best). However, your addiction to the narcissist means that your ET will keep driving you to engage so there is no real contentment in the arrangement. It will seek to drive the empath to want more time with the narcissist, to become the ‘girlfriend’, to meet the narcissist’s friends, to have a holiday together rather than afternoon sex in a motel. Yes, some people keep the ET under control so this does not become too problematic but the DLS has no control in the dynamic and it is not a good position to be in.
HG, I’m very thankful for your work of weaponizing empaths against your predator brethren. Your answer about the DLS being the least worst is brilliant. I hope everybody will find your work and not stand for this.
Nowhere else in our lives do we accept this type of treatment. All we want is more time with the narcissist for God’s sake. I don’t think that’s too much to ask of a person that even remotely likes you. And we put up with it because they are “so wonderful” that we will wait around infinitely. How arrogant is that? I can’t even begin to imagine treating people that way and expecting them to ever SPEAK to me again, much less like me! I wouldn’t blame them if they didn’t. But the narcissist? He’ll treat you how he damn well pleases and you will like it and beg for more. That’s messed up. Fuck him! He can keep his precious time because I don’t want it anymore.
Thank you MB.
HG, I’ve been known to use your work inappropriately. (To convince myself that I can handle N supplements to intensify my life and make it more interesting without there being a downside.) There’s no enhancement. There is only diminishment. I need a new hobby!
I wondered where you were going with the first sentence.
You’re the only narcissist for me anymore HG! Why mess with the rest when you’ve got the best?
Hi adele…i dont think theres any perfect position to be in except maybe the furthiest and that being tertiary. The person that they see everyday and greet politely. A dls would also face challenges. If youre ok with being on the bottom of the totem pole and being inadvertently shelved bc the narcissist has others who rank higher priority than you. Feeling like youre an afterthought most of the time. Being the bit on the side the narcissist can take or leave bc there are others in the matrix who can step in.
I think perhaps if youre also a narcissist and know full well you are using the narcissist possibly but as a normal or empath its human nature to want more and to feel worthy which i cant see getting being in any type of placement in the narc matrix and especially the dls position.
Dls usually end up wanting more and feeling ignored. They fantasize about being promoted and being more than a dls. It ends up in resentment and sometimes the dls wants revrnge and to blow the narcissists cover.
Until the narc decides it’s time for your spouses to find out. Always a downside.
“if you can think logically and not be jealous, that allowing your narc to have other woman only serves to strengthen you as a source of fuel?”
Adele, I understand your thoughts and line of arguments. And it might work well for some people because it serves their agenda or because they are able to compartmentalise in that section, even over time. It may even work for you.
Your calculation already demonstrates emotional thinking because the involvement is based on a hidden agenda which is, in your example, becoming a steady fuel source which may then, over the course of time and with repeated great sex equal becoming the best fuel source available in the matrix and then there you are, competing with several other women who may rank higher than you – and being DLS is a weak position to begin with – for the top spot in the matrix. It is further ET to believe that it is within your power to prevent a discard (that is what I read in your words) by being agreeable – it is not. What DLS are doing many times is selling themselves short by catering to someone else’s needs while remaining in the shadows, without any possibility to shape or influence the secretive ‘relationship’. The narcissist’s wishes come first and so do other people who rank higher in the matrix. The decision whether and in which capacity such a relationship continues or ends will never be within the DLS’ power. If you are truly ok with that, then good for you.
Or any different number of decisions I couldn’t even begin to imagine with a conscience, from minor to huge.
Adele, imo, that kind of thing is best w a nonnarc too.
I am generally not possessive myself. It is the emotions that are the problem and I see things entirely differently.
Marriage is sacred, and I would never want to be in-love with a man who is married.