Why Does The Narcissist Seem So Odd?
It is accurate to state that we operate in three essential states. There are varying degrees within those states, differing levels of intensity which are affected by factors such as the type of narcissist that we are, what we require from you, the level of empathic individual you are as well as several others. Nevertheless, there are three basic states. The first, as you would expect, is the golden setting. We are at our most wonderful, most brilliant and most loving when in this state. This always appears during our seduction of you and we will reinstate it from time to time and often when we hoover you in order to suck you back in and keep you hanging on to us. The second is the dark setting when we instigate our devaluation of you. This dark setting allows us to deploy our various machinations against you, a variety of different manipulations as the abuse begins and we make your life particularly unpleasant. This requires effort and energy on our part and whilst we will be rewarded with fuel, a certain degree of application is required to use these manipulations against you. When we unveil our dark setting it is upsetting and confusing but often you will find some reason to explain our behaviour. It is usually the wrong reason but you will find one nevertheless as you like to understand and have a reason to explain why someone is behaving in a certain way towards you – you decide we are stressed, tired, hungover, in need of affection or perhaps you are unduly harsh on yourselves so that you, in that usual empathic manner, blame yourself for the behaviour we have meted out against you. Perhaps you did not listen when you ought to have done, perhaps you should have realised that we wanted to go out tonight, or that we would not want chicken for a second time this week.
There is a third setting and this often proves more confusing than our unpleasant dark setting. This setting might be regarded as a neutral setting, somewhere between the golden and the dark, but it is not. This setting is on the road to the dark setting and is closer to that than the golden. This particular setting is the stranger setting.
There will be times when we do not wish to apply considerable energy to our continued devaluation of you, but the devaluation must continue. It may not be as harsh, since there is no shouting, no violence, no insults and such like. It is not the golden period because we show no affection, we do not do things for you and we do not exhibit any of the charm that once flowed so readily from us. During this stranger setting we are neither wonderful nor awful but we behave like someone who doesn’t really know you and you are certainly left feeling like you are dealing with somebody else.
If you telephone us we will not dole out a silent treatment and ignore your repeated calls. We will not answer in less than a ring and speak to you with affection and enthusiasm, instead we answer and engage in a monosyllabic conversation. It is like drawing teeth. We confirm that nothing is wrong and you may think there is but we have not responded angrily or harshly. We have not accused you of anything, we have not labelled you in some way but the conversation is flat. It is as if our personality, whether golden or dark has vanished and left almost an automaton in its place. We function, we talk about our day but with little detail and certainly no enthusiasm. We ask questions of you but they are polite and perfunctory as if we are just going through the motions. There is no nastiness, no backbiting or sneering. It is difficult to process because it is not nothing, that cannot be the case because we are talking to you, but it feels like nothing.
We may call around to see you but it feels like an inspector has called around. We sit, we decline a drink that you offer us and we answer your questions without offering you anything much in return. Where has the charmer gone? Where has the monster gone? Who is this stranger that looks like us, sounds like us but is not behaving like us? You cannot accuse us of being unpleasant but it feels unpleasant because you are dealing with someone you do not recognise. Any questions about what is wrong with us are politely answered and you are assured there is not a problem, but we seem lifeless. You flatter us, compliment us and whilst we accept them there is no spark of interest, there is no response.
Why are we like this? Why is this being done? Why do we seem like someone else? It is as if we have been abducted by aliens in the night and replaced with a robot which is neither wonderful nor savage but is frustratingly something else. This third setting occurs during the devaluation period. It is not a respite from devaluation as that is the golden setting once more. It is clearly not the dark setting as that is the rolling out of nastiness and abuse. This third setting is an indicator of the calm before the storm. Whilst there are occasions where we might switch from golden to dark setting in the blink of an eye, this third setting is used when we wish to conserve energy in readiness for unleashing a particular savage next stage in the devaluation as we will move to the dark setting and crank it up to eleven. You are not cruising along being driven by fair winds, nor are you being thrown up and down buffeted by a storm, instead you are becalmed or moved along by a weak breeze. This is the time we are girding our loins, gathering information and plotting. The switch of functions to the organisation and scheming of what is to come, along with the intense outpouring of energy required to sustain the vicious intensifying of this devaluation means we adopt this near automatic state. You may not ever see this happen dependent on the nature of the narcissist you have become entangled with, but when you do, you should be aware that a storm is brewing and not just any old storm but a supercell storm of savage and damaging proportions. This is a warning.
27 thoughts on “Why Does The Narcissist Seem So Odd?”
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HG, is it possible for the stranger setting being used on the IPPS to spill over into interactions with the IPSS and others in the fuel matrix? Or, if the stranger setting is used, is it intended only for the recipient of such behavior?
It is usually reserved for the IPPS, for the IPSS it will be as a consequence of shelving.
Thank you for the answer HG. The stranger setting felt devaluing/disengagementy, so I was curious.
Thanks HG for the heads up it’s good to know the warning signs
You are welcome VJ.
This explains everything!!!
That’s why he was neutral with me the last time I saw him and it was just another frustration on my part when I kept going out of my way to please him.
I should have known.
There was always a calm before the storm before I would be beaten and punished to extreme by my step dad.
It’s this neutral quiet stage I dread the most because the fear builds, the pit of your stomach is filled with dread because you know, sense and feel a shift despite reassuring words uttered to you that all is well.
I honestly have not realised until recently how much I have been conditioned by my step dad to take extreme punishments, listen to his lecture on why he had to punish me for my own good and to desperately want his approval and friendship AFTER he had abused me.
I’m only realising now! that this was a definite part in my upbringing. My god, he must have felt powerful, truly fucking majestic.
I wish I knew all of this over the last couple of years. Thank you!
You are welcome.
Because they are odd
Yes, I experienced this third setting, so your warning came too late, HG.
But would I have heeded your warning back when it happened? No, I don’t think so.
When I read your posts, HG, I often say to myself, “Wow. I wish I would have found this site three years ago! My life would be so different not.”
But, then I realize that I would have read your words and probably stayed stuck in my situation, in denial that I was going through any of this.
It took a real, tangible discard for me to recognize that I had been involved in the typical pattern of a narcissistic relationship. So, really I found your site at the only moment I could have found it: when I was ready for it. Thank you for being here, HG.
An honest observation.
When you’re in “Neutral” … do wait for an opportune time to shift into the storm? Do you calculate and wait for an unexpected change of plans? Or a point of reference so the victim looks back with uncertainty and self blame?
A Greater would do so, yes. Lesser and MidRange make the shift instinctively.
Thank you !
How should one react to this third setting if one wants to confuse and mess with an upper mid-range? This third setting is where I am with my hoovering narc.
You should never aim to confuse and mess with a narcissist at this juncture. Apply GOSO.
HG, does the stranger zone immediately go right into devaluation or does it go back to rainbows and sunshine?
The Stranger Zone is part of devaluation. The SZ is not always present, however, if it is, the process with an IPPS is
1. Golden Period.
2. Devaluation commences covering
a. The Stranger Zone, followed by
b. “Traditional” Devaluation
Part 2b will contain Respite Periods.
How do you know always what article to post that makes sense to my current narc woes? The Stranger Zone. I am going on my 3rd week of this behavior. My birthday is next week so I guess it makes sense. He is saving the nasty shit storm for then. Still no word if he is attending my party or not. He was invited, knows the details but has not committed to attending because is paranoid that my best friend is going to raise a toast and expose him at my party. At least that is the pity party reason he wants to use. Then he says “But the day is important to you and I should be there”. Back and forth he goes.
It will be most interesting to see what happens. Maybe he will not attend so he can make it easier for me to cut this cord.
HG …how can an ipps make the storm blow over and go somewhere else. ? Can he get his fuel from work and blow up on someone their instead of me ?
You can never guarantee causing an outcome with our kind, other than by effecting no contact. If you want the storm to go somewhere else, impose no contact. The narcissist can gain fuel from work colleagues (not work itself) and if a colleague issues challenge fuel or wounds the narcissist then there will be a ‘blow up’ by way of response to those actions.
Will a narcissist seek his ipps to heal the wound from work issues and criticisms from colleagues ? He keeps the happy worker facade that way ? Or will he be thinking on how to get them back or paint them black etc .
Potentially. If the narcissist is with the wounding NISS colleague and nobody else is around, expect a Corrective Devaluation against that person. If there are other NISSs watching, then a MR and a Greater (but not a Lesser) would be more likely to ‘swallow’ the wounding from the relevant appliance and withdraw (to maintain the façade). The MR would seek fuel from the IPPS (or another appliance to address the wound). The Greater may absorb it (possibly seeking fuel elsewhere) to maintain the facade but would then ‘get’ the offending appliance when they least expect it later.
HG …you said you aren’t into taking care of animals . I have an observation about the mid range lesser I know ..He is triangulating me with our dog. He says “hello, sweet angel” … to our male dog when he comes in the door , and even says the dog is sexy , and he will not touch me and says he doesn’t want to touch anyone.( really?) probably paying for someone to suck him off ..
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Mr Tudor this was incredibly educational. I always wondered why he could be extremely nice, extremely nasty or extremely nothing. He really only had the 3 gears you discover and I would include a fourth one: extremely tired.
Thank you for explaining this!
You are most welcome.
Alma…..I heard the “I am so tired” ALL the time.
That and “insert random family member’s name here” is sick.
Everyone in his family is always constantly sick or he’s oh so tired. The same recycled bullshit excuses.