Will The Narcissist Deploy A Follow-Up Hoover?
The follow-up hoover. A staple method of gaining fuel from you either post disengagement (discard) or post escape, whether of a positive and/or negative nature. How though does the follow-up hoover come about, how do I decide whether to do it or not and what are the circumstances that can cause it? Here is an instance which will assist your understanding of our methodology and mind set so you can identify the factors which put you at risk.
I disengaged from you. You failed me and you had to go. You had no idea of course that this was the case. You tried to see me, speak to me, plead with me and you were rebuffed and told to stay away. The teeth were bared at you and you saw that look in the eye, the one that still unnerves you and you backed away. You slid into misery and confusion, unable to comprehend why I flung you to one side, why I wouldn’t at least do you the decency of explaining. You do not realise that our kind are never beholden to the obligation to explain. We are above that. You however operate by differing standards and regard it as a common courtesy to explain why something has been done and it certainly applies when the situation is one of romantic entanglement. You believed that you are owed an explanation. We operate from the position that we owe you nothing because once upon a time we gave you everything.
I have the new primary source of fuel of course. She was from a shortlist of individuals who were being cultivated as I embarked on my cruel devaluation of you. When I slipped away to my bolthole, when I made repeated excuses to go to the bar when we went away on holiday, when your back was turned I was extending my electronic tendrils as I engaged with these prospects. The fuel flowed from them as they readily connected with someone as charming as I. How could they not? A couple of these prospects have been kept in reserve, contingencies as they became outer circle friends who will wait in the wings, suitable brainwashed and conditioned so that they will jump at the chance of being promoted to the primary source at some future point. I know as well that they will not hesitate to hand me the dagger which I will plunge in that primary source’s back at some future point. There is no sisterhood here in the battle to win my affections and favour. Thus two find themselves admitted to the chain of fuel providing appliances and like two growing plants, I occasionally tend to them, cultivating and maintaining their interest, keeping alive the hope of promotion. It is reassuring to know that if the one who eventually saw off the others on the shortlist has to be discarded then there are ready and waiting appliances who can be plugged in without much more effort. It is not always possible to find those appliances which will wait around but it is far from impossible. You may be surprised at the number which will readily accept a role as an outer or even inner circle friend, possibly an acquaintance too in the right circumstances. Content to have intermittent contact with me in person. Happy to have more frequent contact through electronic medium. These reservists will smile at the primary source, appear to even be friendly but they are only doing it to maintain my favour. If I give the signal they would rip the throat from the primary source in order to replace her. That is what we bring out in people.
Still, those are the reservists but for now an excellent primary source was chosen and thus you were surplus to requirements. You heard no more from me as a wall of silence greeted your attempts to contact me. Your position as primary source came to an end. You were made redundant and you were cast aside. I drew fuel from imagining your distress at this state of affairs and your repeated attempts to contact me provided similar fuel until I decided that I wanted to concentrate on the new primary source and therefore you needed to stay away. Thus, as I mentioned, the teeth were bared, you were warned and for once you listened and backed off.
Life has been sweet with the wonderful, new and shiny primary source who has lived up to expectations in her admiration, adoration and love. All is well and I cannot say that I have really given you any further thought since I made it clear that you were to “stay the hell away from me, understand?” I have been drinking deep from the new, potent fountain and enjoying all of this fresh, succulent fuel. So much so, I soon moved her in and why not? I may as well ensure that such a precious source of fuel is on tap.
Then one day I was moving some things around in the study and I found a book which belonged to you. I picked it up and you flared in my mind. I know that if it was the other way around, you would have been consumed by emotion as you triggered this ever presence. That does not happen with me. There is no charge of emotion but instead there is the spark of opportunity. The appearance of this book has caused you to enter into my sphere of influence. You did nothing did you? No telephone call, no text message, no driving past my house, all of the usual things which victims do in the aftermath and which will invariably result in a hoover. The appearance of this book has thrust you into my mind again. I have plenty of fuel from the wonderful primary source but a dash of hoover fuel would be welcome also. You let me down and as a Greater, I revel in being able to toy with you. I feel no need to re-engage you as my primary source, your replacement is functioning well, but I am fuelled, powerful and I want to taste your hoover fuel. I will approach you in a benign manner but this is to mask my true intent – I wish to toy with you, I want to make you feel uneasy. I will not lash out in the manner of a Lesser with an insult, nor some passive aggressive utterance like the Mid-Ranger, indeed, were I either of those the presence of the IPPS in the golden period would almost guarantee there would be no hoover, but I am not of those schools. I am a Greater and therefore the continued puppeteering of someone who promised so much, yet failed me means I have an opportunity to toy with you. It need not be prolonged, I have no need to re-engage you but I want you to know I am still out here, still able to reach you and that knowledge combined with the fuel I expect to harvest creates that delicious sensation of power. I am still able to impact upon you. I still matter.
You have entered the sixth sphere of influence and caused a Hoover Trigger.
Moments such as these are delicious indeed. I have taken a bite of the succulent cherry that is the new primary source but here I am with a delightful opportunity to take a bite of another cherry and apply a hoover to you. What I especially like about it is the fact that because I do not want to or need to rekindle our intimate relationship again, the effort required will be minimal in order to get a taste of your hoover fuel. I pull out my ‘phone and look up your number. I kept it of course. I felt no need to block it. You rang and you rang but I never answered and eventually you gave up. I wonder for a moment whether you have blocked me and feel a twinge of irritation if that proves to be the case. Nevertheless, I have the energy and inclination to want to hoover you, I perceive that there is a good prospect of gaining fuel from you, I have no reason to think that your fuel will be diminished, I have considered whether there may be obstacles but do not regard there as being any which would mean the attempt is likely to fail and I have not perception that you will reject me and thus criticise me and cause wounding. The Hoover Execution Criteria has been met and I have surpassed the bar, it is thus time to hoover you.
I jab your name and smile as I hear the ringing noise and within just two rings (two rings! Someone remains keen!) you answer. Your voice is tentative – excellent, your apprehension and fear remain intact.
“Hi Tabitha, how are you?”
There is a pause. You are trying to work out what is going on but I know you will want to talk to me. You answered didn’t you? You spoke. You want some answers. You need to know. I have seen it so many times before and therefore I know that no matter how much you may think that you need to end the call before it gets going you will not do so. I know that the emotion is surging through you, hope, expectation and no doubt the glowing embers of the love that has not yet been extinguished for me. You are caught between love and fear – am I calling to rekindle matters or am I here to punish?
“What do you want?” you ask but it is not said in a hostile tone, more of slightly anxious curiosity.
“I was just thinking about you and I thought I would give you a call and see how you were doing.”
“I don’t understand. Why call me now when you made it clear you didn’t want anything to do with me?” Ah, a bit of a fightback from logic here. Fair enough.
“I know, I know, that was some time ago, I was in a bad place, a lot going on and something had to give. I know I didn’t handle it well, I am sorry.”
Like hell I am but I know those three words will have a magical effect. I stop speaking. I can picture you trying to hold back the tears, fighting with the competing emotions that are washing over you. I can feel the power rising inside of me at this image as I gather the fuel.
“You hurt me, you really hurt me,” you say voice cracking slightly.
“I know, I know and I am truly sorry, I know you must hate me, listen if it is any consolation to you, I hate myself for what I did to you, you didn’t deserve to be treated like that.” That should hit the spot. A bit of self-flagellation always goes down well.
“Well you won’t hate yourself as much as I hate you,” you answer with a little steel in your voice. It’s good. It is all fuel.
“Trust me Tabs,” oh yes the shortened name for added familiarity needs to be used here, “I know just what I did and I am not proud of myself. I just felt it was only right that I call you in order to explain…”
I hit the end call button after saying this. Let’s create those shifting sands. Note how my actions are deliberate and calculated since I am a Greater.
Five seconds. She will call back in five seconds.
Sure enough her name appears on the ‘phone as she returns the call.
“Hi,” I say enthusiastically.
“You went off.”
“Yes poor signal I guess.”
There is another pause. I say nothing allowing the silence to be used to compel you to speak. I know that you want to talk. It was always likely and your behaviour so far is laden with indicators that you want to continue to talk. Again, this is a deliberate calculation on my part.
“You said you wanted to explain,” you say and I hear the hope in your voice and the fuel drips from you once again.
I know that I can dangle the prospect of answers in front of you for weeks now. I don’t want you back. I do not need you back but I have tasted your delicious hoover fuel and I like it. I have managed to cause you to speak to me and then call me back after everything that I did to you, including my callous discard. That highlights the power I have and that is why when remembering you through seeing the book it was too good an opportunity to miss and I applied a hoover. I appeared as pleasant to you (thus one can deny any allegations of malicious behaviour) but my intent was far from pleasant, I wanted you on edge, concerned, wondering and anxious. An iron fist in a velvet glove. Not to win you back, but to get you to respond and to provide me with fuel. And it has worked.
I lick my lips before I speak.
This cherry is mighty sweet as is the fuel from this successful follow-up hoover.
6 thoughts on “Will The Narcissist Deploy A Follow-Up Hoover?”
When the HT and HEC are met, is the hoover instantaneous or can there be a time delay? After I was shelved on separate occasions by a MMRN and LMRN, I sent them handwritten cards expressing my feelings for them. Both took about 2 weeks to respond. While that in and of itself isn’t that surprising, what I found interesting was both responded via text late on a Friday night. Was that just a coincidence? Before I knew she was a LMRN, I remember thinking that it was strange the LMRN’s response seemed to follow the same pattern as the MMRN in regards to timing and content of the message (friendly/future faking as friends).
It depends on the hoover deployed.
If it is a text message, it is instantaneous. If the narcissist comes to see you, this might mean walking across a room or planning an aeroplane flight which of course occurs in the future. Usually it is instantaneous.
Thank you HG!
“I don’t want you back. I do not need you back but I have tasted your delicious hoover fuel and I like it. I have managed to cause you to speak to me and then call me back after everything that I did to you, including my callous discard. That highlights the power I have. . . . .”
This is exactly why I am wary of answering the phone when he calls now.. I couldn’t bear to reinforce to him he still has that power over me.. It turns my stomach just thinking of it.. I also couldn’t bear to be rejected by him possibly hanging up, me calling back, but him not answering.. Yet I have fallen for these phone hoovers time and time again.. Sometimes I wonder if I was the one who caused the continuous disrespect directed my way whenever my narc just felt like being an ass towards me, because I was the proverbial doormat.. It’s like nothing could break me for a long time.. And whenever we disengaged and then re-engaged, the respite periods were sooo golden.. I truly believe both he and I were relieved that we were both back on the same page again.. But on and on this cycle continued for years and here I am now, finally fed up with it and enforcing boundaries.. I don’t believe my narc likes it one bit..
Be gentle with yourself. HG writes about Emotional Seas. You have your own, especially since you are expecting a baby. Not only do you have mental and emotional battles to overcome, you have physiological battles with hormones, and important events in the near future. I remember one night, while I was pregnant, my daughters father hoovered me, and I spent the night at his house. The whole time I was there, I was expecting a woman to call him. Then the phone range in the middle of the night. My daughters father looked hesitant to answer the phone due to me laying in bed next to him. My heart began to pound. He finally answered. It wasn’t another woman, It was a little boy. I listened into the phone call as well as I could. The boy started to cry, “you said I could call you any time, you said you would help me if I ever needed you. I need my father!” My heart froze. Here I was pregnant with this narcissist laying next to me. Some boy was talking about his long lost father (my ex?), and my ex was casually saying “not my problem”. I listened in without breathing to get every word I could in from the conversation. I heard him mention that his mother was working at a grocery store two cities away… Then the phone call ended. I asked my ex, “what was that?” He said, “you know. Just a kid prank calling in the middle of the night.” I explained, “he was crying” “yeah, it was fake crying. A prank call”. Fast forward, I had my baby. My hormones were all over the place. That boy suddenly came into my mind again. I called my ex and asked if the boy has ever called back. My ex was like, “what boy? I don’t know what you are talking about.” (Gaslighting). I got off the phone with him, and contacted everyone I knew in that boys town to try to find that boy. My hormones, mother instincts to protect went into high gear. If I found that boy, I wanted to send him a large chunk of cash and to make sure my ex didnt hurt him. I didnt find him, and a lot of people from that town blocked me from social media. Lol.
Why am I telling you this? This was my big melt down post formal relationship with the narcissist. I also went through over analyzing if it was ok to answer if he called, should I text, should I email? What if I give off fuel? There will come a time, when the narcissist is stirring up the pot everywhere he turns, and you can and will master the resting bitch face. The narcissist may call to face time your child one day, and try to squeeze in a few words with you. You will look into the cell phone camera and mention that your child has eaten mac and cheese for the 3rd day in a row in the most boring tone and expression ever. And that’s as emotional as it will get with that call. You got this! I’m also here if you need anything on this site.
I cannot believe that happened to you, that night at your daughter’s father’s house! I would be at high unease knowing the narcissist just coolly dismissed the child like that.. I bet he played it off perfectly and really convinced you it was a prank call.. The nerve of him.. Smh.. And also the nerve of the people who blocked you on social media after you had your baby and tried to find the boy so you could help.. I tell you, I am about sick of social media nowadays.. I do have an anonymous FB account now that I use to play games and post questions about my situation (very sparingly) in groups, and I tell you: people just do not understand.. They have written such horrid things, calling me stupid, socially inept, saying my pregnancy is my fault and they don’t blame my daughter’s father for leaving me.. Incredibly invalidating.. But luckily I don’t take what they have to say so much to heart because they are just largely misinformed.. They have no idea the impact a romantic entanglement with a narcissist can have on a person.. So their comments, judgments, and advice are irrelevant.. Thank you for offering to be here for me on this site.. I know I need to surround myself with support now more than ever, and I will do just that.. I can’t wait to achieve “the resting bitch face” with my daughter’s father.. Lmao!! I like the way you put that..