How Your Emotional Thinking Creates Excuses

 

 

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THIS IS A KEY ARTICLE IN TERMS OF BOLSTERING YOUR UNDERSTANDING.

The fact for so long you had no idea what you were dealing with resulted in you engaging in an anticipated behaviour. This behaviour is one which we regularly rely on in order to keep you in the dark. I have made mention of the various traits which we look for in those who make the most useful victims to us. One of those traits concerns your ability to try to find the good in everyone and everything. This is a typical empathic trait and along with all of the others which you possess causes you to flare up on our radar when we are seeking an excellent primary source. Your desire to see good means that it obscures your ability to see the bad or perhaps more accurately, to accept the bad. This is how your emotional thinking once again cons you and causes you to fail to see what is really happening, how you make excuses for the behaviour. Your emotional thinking craves the interaction with us, it is selfish and wants to experience all of the ‘good’ which flows from us and to convince you to ignore the bad. Your emotional thinking does not want you to acknowledge what is really going on and exit the relationship. Your emotional thinking wants to gag logic so it cannot be heard and cause you to overlook the bad in the hope of recovering the good once again. Thus, your emotional thinking will make you issue excuse after excuse for what we do, so you remain invested in the relationship with us. Accordingly, your emotional thinking continues our control of you. It is those who are empathic who suffer from this effect from their emotional thinking. They are convinced to consider their action as selfless, a reflection of how they wish to see the ‘good’ in people, how they make allowances and are tolerant – but when you are ensnared with our kind, all that is happening is that you are being prevented, by your own emotional thinking, from seeing what is truly happening and this is to your detriment.

Of course, at the time it is happening, you cannot see it happening because your insight is impaired by the emotional thinking. Occasionally, logic might just make itself heard (only to be ignored) as you notice that a certain behaviour is not acceptable but your emotional thinking rises once again and swamps that logic before it can gain a foothold in your mind. Emotional thinking whispers that excuse for you and it is easier to accept that than go along the rocky road of logic. Thus, your emotional thinking keeps you blinded to the truth and it is only later when you have been punched in the face by the gauntlet of brutal honesty that you finally pay heed to logic and with hindsight realise how you have been conned. It happens over and over again and is all because of your emotional thinking gaining control of your thoughts.

This is something we desire because it prevents you from truly recognising what it is that is happening to you once your devaluation has begun. We of course love to operate from a position of plausible deniability, we court ambiguity since we enjoy and need to twist and turn in order to achieve what we want. If you saw everything as stark and clear as I now describe our machinations to you, you would be more inclined to escape us and bring about that unwelcome cessation of our primary source of fuel. It would also make it harder to apply those hoovers when we wish to return you to the fold and have you engage in our cyclical endeavours once again. We present you with the truth of what we are on a repeated basis but although we offer it up in front of you, we never let you see it clearly. We draw a veil across certain elements, apply a smoke screen, obscure some parts and distort others. The reality is there before you. It is evident and plain but because of the way in which we purposefully manipulate you, you are unable to see it. It is akin to us pointing out a ship on the horizon. It is obvious for us to see but when we hand you a telescope to gain a better look at this vessel, the lens has been smeared with something which distorts the view, or we place our finger over part of the lens blocking your view.

The consequence of this distortion is to prevent you from truly seeing what we are. This in turn means that you are unable to form a clear and coherent view of the person which has taken hold of you. This becomes infuriating for others who we have not been able to drag into our façade, but who recognise full well what we are. These observers tell you what you are dealing with. They may be circumspect to begin with, hoping not to offend your sensibilities but over time their increasing exasperation causes them to come out and say it straight. Yet, such candour rarely finds favour with you because you do not like to be told something about someone as wonderful as us (or at least someone who was wonderful). You do not like to think that the golden period has gone. You do not like to be deprived of the idea that what you once had will never come back or even that it did not exist to begin with. Most of the reasons why you think like this is as a consequence of our manipulative behaviour, which further foes to underline that it is not your fault. Even your desire to see the good in people is not your fault either. That is who you are. We know that and we exploit it. It is our fault again but of course in the midst of the battle that we engage in with you, we will never admit that anything is our fault. That will never do.

Thus, your view of us is obscured and because of this you will always issue excuses to explain away our behaviour, our words and our actions. You make these excuses time and time again, to others and to yourselves. You believe these excuses because this is how you think and you have been led towards this train of thought by the schooling you have received at our manipulative hands and mouths. You also utilise these excuses to continue to convince yourself that the unsavoury elements of our behaviour are just an aberration, on occasional blip in respect of an otherwise magnificent person. Your charity is amazing and naturally most welcome for through this blinkered approach you divest us of responsibility for the things we do, something which aligns with one of our many stated aims. You prevent yourself from examining further the reality of what has now ensnared you and the repeated application of these excuses keeps you in situ. We want you to utilise these excuses. We want to hear them. We want them said to us and to others. Your excuses frustrate and alienate those who are against us, your excuses support out manufactured façade and most of all they ensure you deny to yourself that which is directly before you. Here are twenty-five of those such excuses. You will have said them and probably more than once. Understand that each time you utter one you have issued a further death knell for your prospects of escaping us.

  1. He is just tired; it makes him snap.
  2. He doesn’t mean it, not really.
  3. You don’t have to pretend with me, I just want you to be yourself.
  4. He has a lot on his mind at the moment.
  5. Work is particularly stressful for him.
  6. He sometimes has a bit too much to drink, but hey, who hasn’t been there?
  7. I think perhaps I am too harsh on him at times, it is my fault really.
  8. He is in a bad place but he will come through it.
  9. He is a complex person; you don’t understand him like I do
  10. It is just the way he is; I have got used to it.
  11. I know it seems bad but he does so much that is lovely; this is only a small part of what he is like.
  12. Nobody knows him properly, that’s why you think bad of him.
  13. He is a popular guy so he is always going to have women hitting on him.
  14. He has a temper, I know, but that’s part of what he is and it’s not for us to change him.
  15. I need to be more supportive and then he will be better.
  16. He’s not well at the moment but I will help him get through it, you will see.
  17. You’ve only heard one side of the story; he is not like that at all.
  18. Yes, well, his family would say that about him to cover up what they did to him.
  19. All he needs is to be loved and I am the one who is going to do that for him.
  20. You don’t know what you are saying anymore, it is okay, I do understand.
  21. It was a one-off, it won’t happen again.
  22. I know it was wrong but this time he has promised that he won’t do it anymore.
  23. You don’t understand the way that me and him are together.
  24. You are just jealous of what we have. Why can’t you be please for us, for my sake?
  25. I’m sorry, it was my fault.

Sound familiar?

35 thoughts on “How Your Emotional Thinking Creates Excuses

  1. Michelle says:

    Making excuses for others is a really bad habit of mine. I do it to avoid confrontation, for one thing. I also think I had to learn to understand the adults in my life and their motives. I really didn’t like things that my Narc Ex would do to me, like not showing up for events that were important to me, but my mother would make excuses for him and insist that I was being too harsh. There was lots of evidence that he took me entirely for granted, but I was encouraged to ignore it.

    When I began talking to Narc Friend a couple years ago, he would sometimes take up to 8 or 9 days to answer a text. If I called him out on it, he’d say he was busy with work. I discussed it with a friend, whose assessment of him was far less generous: “Everybody takes a crap,” she says, “so he’s had time to text you and just didn’t.”

    The problem is that every time I have insisted on boundaries in a relationship, i.e. telling someone that they failed to meet my entirely reasonable expectation, the relationship has blown up in my face and it’s been written off as my fault. And that’s ultimately what making excuses really is — a lack of boundaries.

  2. Kellie Mccoey says:

    I can play mental chess with a narcissist all day long it’s my emotions that are my downfall. Once I get my emotional thinking under wraps I’ll be golden.

  3. E&L says:

    Butterfly, This is HG’s blogsite. He has courteously established a forum for civil discussion. By calling him “pathetic” you are attacking his character verbally and “assuming” all the commenter possess the same opinion. As Mona said 1) ‘Let Butterfly tell, what she wants”, then please afford me the same courtesy, and 2) “He does not need your help”, nor do you need Mona to defend your thoughts and opinions. I am not a super-anyone, just expressing thoughts and ideas with other peeps! I am grateful to HG for be brave, innovative, and truthful. Thank you HG!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome.

  4. Joanne says:

    HG, I think you should add to the list: “I know what he is now, so I can game my actions and responses toward him in order to control outcomes.”

  5. Leslie says:

    HG, he has found me.

  6. J.G says:

    Hello, H.G. Tudor.
    Being hit in the face with the glove of honesty… Couldn’t be better expressed.
    Really when you learn you see that our state of emotional thinking is a big problem. So we let ourselves be dragged by it. Although we see reality, it is always camouflaged, softened by our emotional thought.
    To work on our emotional thought, taking it away from our lie and going to a rational and logical way would make us see things in a different way.
    To write a detailed diary of all the things that are done to us and told to us, in which one could pour in all our state of mind and sensations would make that we could see the facts annulling with it the Emotional thought to minimums.
    The emotional state or thought is one of our great defects and problems, because in real life, not everyone is as good as we think.
    H.G., a post again without waste in which we will be able to work. In my particular case, now I go with lead feet and I don’t see anything good in people. I look at actions, rather than words, and I try to have a rational rather than an emotional thought in all aspects of my life. Although this is hard work, you know the goat throws into the bush…

    By the way H.G. Tudor. I wanted to ask him, if possible, to write about the monster. Monster here, Monster there. I read monsters everywhere. But I’m not entirely clear about the concept of the monster. Could you tell me what the Monster is?
    According to what I understand and my understanding the Monster is its real character and personality … that because of its negative character and emotions ( Anxiety, depression anger, hate sadness, pain, anger, rage, rancor, remorse, guilt, envy, greed, selfishness, revenge, superiority, arrogance, anger, bad temper, outrage, annoyance, annoyance, fury, resentment, hostility, animosity, impatience, indignation, irritability, violence). Fear, distrust, nervousness.) These cannot be shown to society, much less to the victim. This is why he steals the most positive character traits from the victims and from his network of contacts, in order to create a facade that imprisons and encloses his true personality but at the same time attracts with it his possible victims… Taking again from these victims all their character traits in order to facilitate their seduction.

    This is what the monster is, or the monster is something else and I haven’t understood it well…
    Do you have an article that speaks and explains what the monster is?

    1. Lou says:

      Hi JG. No, there is no article about the Creature (monster). HG is working on a book which will explain this concept.
      I am afraid you will have to wait to read about it.

      1. J.G says:

        Hey, Lou, thanks for the answer.
        I will be waiting anxiously, I am interested in knowing the creature or Monster. I think it will be a shocking book, like everything that H.G. writes. Although I think I should do some forward or a short post on this subject. To open a mouthful.

  7. Laurie says:

    I don’t think that Narcissists ‘sell their souls to the devil’.
    I truly believe that ALL Cluster B personality disorders stem from early childhood abuse/trauma.

    The child doesn’t ‘choose’ to become a Narcissist……..the child has to survive in whatever he or she can.
    Some victims of childhood trauma will become alcoholics, some will become drug users, some will become prostitutes, some will become wife beaters, some will become life-long criminals……and some will become Narcissists.

    1. Twilight says:

      Laurie

      I agree and some are genieticaly wired to be yet environment will play a big part in their development.

      No different then Empathic spectrum with or with out HSP being added into the mix.

      1. Laurie says:

        Hello Twilight, forgive my ignorance, but what is HSP?
        Thank you in advance for your reply.

        ps. Yes I think you are right…..there are often hereditary factors at play.

        1. Twilight says:

          Laurie

          HSP is highly sensitive person

    2. NarcAngel says:

      And some children of childhood trauma will become empaths. Damaged, but in a different way.

      1. Laurie says:

        Hello NarcAngel. Yes I think you are right. I know for sure that various traumas that I have been through have actually increased my Empathic abilities and I have managed to forgive people who have hurt me terribly.
        I am NOT saying that this makes me ‘better’ than other people…..far from it, but I do agree with you that different people handle horrible experiences in different ways.

    3. windstorm says:

      Yes, Laurie. But some victims of childhood abuse will become empaths and some will be normal. So what does that really prove? It can’t just be that childhood abuse creates narcissists. There have to be other factors involved, such as hereditary.

      1. Laurie says:

        Hello windstorm. I am certainly not an expert on the subject of NPD. I am still trying to learn as much as I can about this disorder, hence why I come to this site and also many others.
        I think you might be right in that there could be hereditary factors involved because from what I know about my husband’s mother, she certainly seems as if she had Narcissistic traits as well.
        Apparently she often told him she wished that he had never been born.
        My heart actually hurt when he told me that.

        1. windstorm says:

          Laurie
          I feel certain there are hereditary factors. Both my family and my husbands family are full of narcs. My oldest son is a narcissist and i know that he never suffered any abuse. He has never had any empathy since he was a baby. I think it’s like being colorblind. Some babies see limited colors, some feel limited emotions.

          Your comment yourMIL made to your husband reminded me of my mother, although my mother’s was more passive-agressive. She used to sigh and say that she’d always wanted to have several children, but when she saw what I was like, she was scared to have any more. That’s why I was an only child. 🙄

  8. Butterfly says:

    You know a lot about narcs. but not enough about emphats. We find you ridiculous many times, we are ashamed of being seen with you, we think you are pathetic quite often. The only thing that makes us weak in front of you is compassion. It’s so obvious for us that your life is meaningless and unuseful…but we feel sorry for you because you look like humans thought you are not, because you decided to sell your soul to the Devil.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Really? The comments here and my own experiences entirely contradict your assertion that “we are ashamed of being seen with you”. Unfortunately your comment is high on emotive comment and low on actual substantive evidence.

      1. Butterfly says:

        In fact I never told anyone about my relationship with the narc. I would never admit it. He’s a greater by the way.

        1. foolme1time says:

          Butterfly quite often on here people attack HG depending on where they are in there healing process. Your emotions are running very high. We have all been there, some more then others. I myself was like you in the beginning. Attack him because you can not attack the one who has done this to you. He is not the enemy! We are our on worst enemy! HG is full of so much knowledge! He is committed to this blog! All of his time is spent teaching and helping people to understand the things we could never make sense of. He is so respectful and so kind! Be angry that is ok, it is part of your healing process. Don’t attack this man who has given so much to so many. Use his knowledge to learn and grow so that this will never happen to you again! I wish you much peace.

      2. Kellie Mccoey says:

        I love my Mr Tudor. He helped me a great deal when no one else could. I started my quest to find out why this man I was dealing with was so messed up. I have ended up learning about myself in the process. It takes all kinds in the world. He definitely has a place in my heart.

      3. Mona says:

        Sorry, I have to defend Butterfly. It is a normal reaction to degrade the one who has degraded her. It is healthy, because it helps to build up her self-esteem again. Therefore she can do it and she is allowed to do it.
        If she felt shamed to be with her narc, she should ask herself, what kind of reason she had to be with him. Pretty good sex? Or whatever it was. All in all it was a mistake.
        That she mixes up her narc and HG, that is pretty normal, because all narcs are made of the same wood. They all seem to be the same person at the first view.
        Of course he provides information, of course he is helpful to understand, but why the hell do people defend him ? He is still a narc and only tells about his point of view and he is nothing else.
        E&L, I really appreciate your attempt to be objective, but that is what all people try to do and that way they enable narcissistic behaviour. They allow narcs to exist. Do you remember that narcs show a pretty nice face to their supporters and degrade other ones?
        Let Butterfly tell, what she wants and do not defend an aggressor. He is not an aggressor for you and me, but he was for many other people in his life.
        He does not need your help. He is wicked enough.
        And that he helps you, is not a reason to degrade her, or is it?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          E&L is making the point that it is futile attacking me and therefore not worth doing. There are far more effective ways of using one’s energy by digesting what is written here and applying it to one’s own benefit, than attacking the author of the work. I understand why people do attack me and I am not going to rehearse those points yet again. Butterfly is welcome to articulate her observations and feelinss, as is E and L, as are you.

        2. E&L says:

          Mona, 1) Then, perhaps, you will allow Butterfly to respond, as the question was posed to her 2) She was speaking on behalf of “empaths” and the commenters on this blog. I would prefer to express my opinions myself 3) Again, HG has no idea who 99.999999% of us are personally,
          we are simply sharing ideas and thoughts.

      4. Mona says:

        Agreed, HG. And probably Butterfly will calm down. I do not like it, that people who read your topics the first time, what naturally evolves high emotions, are scared away. We all (including you) are here to learn to control our feelings better.

    2. E&L says:

      Butterfly, Why do you attack a person who is generously providing knowledge and insight with virtually no reciprocity from you and zero personal assault against you. HG is providing you his perspective. You are lashing out at the wrong person. He extends respect to you. It would be a kinder, more mature response to extend the same to him. I mean, think about it, he has no fucking idea who you are. We are all just sharing thoughts and ideas. If this blog offends you, you are not his victim. You may disengage at any moment.

      1. Butterfly says:

        I’m not attacking anyone. I’m explaining my own truth…the same as he is doing. If my comments offend you you don’t have to read them either.

    3. Viktoria says:

      Butterfly
      You are attacking because you hurt and I wish that pain could be taken away but it can’t. It just dulls with time.Seek other forums for empaths. Our stories are all so similar and we are left broken after a relationship with a Narc. It is part of the path for many of us and teaches us how to grow to the next step. Most empaths learn to not hate the Narc any longer. The pain that never goes away is about not being able to fix the Narc.Also, that the relationship was not real. The person we thought was our soulmate was a front. That pain dulls. Take a deep breath, then search for the truth that will help you see the path and move on.

      1. Butterfly says:

        Why should I respect someone who is unrespectful with the 99% of the human kind? By “attacking” H.G. I’m just confronting all of you readers… using the writer as an object in the same way he does with all of us. I could better explain myself in my own leanguage, there’s an interesting philosophical debate behind this.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Once can challenge but in a constructive and courteous manner. I do so repeatedly in my engagements with all here. If you wish to castigate me for the way I operate outside of this place, you may do so, but ultimately it will not get you very far, Butterfly, which is why I understand why people do express themselves in a ‘raw’ fashion and I let them do so, however, it is not something which should be sustained for a number of reasons.

  9. Leslie says:

    Well said.

  10. Sarah says:

    “Punched in the face by the gauntlet of brutal honesty.” Ha! I love it.

    HG, I think you should cut to the chase and post this option on the consultation bar along with audio and narc detector.

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